guess what?

I'm a mom.

And guess what becoming a mom didn't cure?

My mental illness. *gasp!* Yes interwebs I am still very much bipolar after giving birth to my two beautiful daughters. And it sucks! (Um, not being a mom. That's pretty awesome. Being a bipolar mom sucks.)

I seriously need to get my meds straight. I went back on them right after delivering but it has NOT managed to keep the mood swings under control. Not even a little bit. In fact, I can't ever remember being THIS bad while on a proper med cocktail. Ever. (The Zoloft treatment circa my uber-crazy late teen/early 20 years doesn't count. Monotherapy with an SSRI does not adequate bipolar treatment make.) Right now I'm on the 20mg of Prozac and 200mg of Lamictal I was on pre-pregnancy. I feel like I'm on freaking placebos.

Things heavy on my list right now: paranoia, excessive extreme guilt, flight of ideas (O. M. G.), rage/anger/outbursts, deep depressions with crying spells, overspending, guilt, and possibly maybe some mild transient psychosis.

Right now I am rational and I can process this. When I am at either end of the bipolar spectrum (manic/depressed) I cannot. Everything is MY fault. I'm a horrible mother. My children and husband deserve SO much better. The world would be better off without me. Blah blah blah...

The only thing I can think to do for the time being is talk to my pdoc (appointment on Tuesday) about some sort of antipsychotic for the time being. I don't know what else to do. Lamictal was such a miracle drug for me three years ago and now I might as well be taking Pez in its place. And I'm not sure if the Prozac is helping (keeping me from being too awfully depressed) or hurting (contributing to the dysphoric manias I've been dealing with lately).

But these two little creatures that I have. Wow. They are amazingly worth it. I know I can get through this. It may take another dozen medication tweaks but I know we can get my bipolar stabilized. We have to. Because these two little creatures have totally stolen my heart.

do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around...

I started this really inspired entry a couple of weeks ago about the month of November. It was really heart felt. And did I mention inspired? Sadly my inspiration comes in spurts and I wasn't able to finish before I'd gotten side tracked. And I can't remember what I was going to say anyway.

November is an ideal month. Because it has a bonafide holiday for which all of my family members have a paid day off. There is plenty of holiday cooking and cheer but no stress over buying gifts and things like that. Of course, up until this Thanksgiving, The Monkey and I had never been quite so broke. (Financially, I mean. As a married couple we are a well oiled machine most days.) It is rough having to be tight fisted. Not being able to go out and buy stuff on a whim. Or, more accurately, in a manic frenzy. I don't even have credit cards to fuel that anymore. Which is probably a good thing.

Speaking of mania that's exactly what I was when I went to see my new pdoc yesterday. Utterly and completely manic. The drive to D-Town was fascinating (and the drive home even moreso... did you know that long strings of headlights in the dark look a lot like Christmas lights??). I was already positively giddy when I bounded into Starbucks and ordered my Caramel Brulee Latte. I could hardly keep still while I sat in the pdoc's waiting room for almost two hours. This doctor has some kind of thing for peacocks. The waiting room was completely decked out in peacocks. I didn't find this at all odd until I went to the bathroom (too much caffeine!) and found that it too was decorated in peacocks! Complete with a really busy wallpaper. When the nurse finally took me back into a room it TOO was decorated in peacocks. I literally could NOT contain my laughter. When the nurse came in to "interview" me I giggled about the doctor's affinity for peacocks. She laughed too and then showed me their Christmas tree decorations. ALL PEACOCKS. Cue hysterics! I finally stopped laughing long enough to answer all of her questions. I'm not sure if she was entertained or annoyed by all of my side stories. It's, uh, a bit difficult to stay on track when you're manic. (Which is why I hardly ever write anything until after I've come down a bit. Things come out way too...jumbled. A hundred half-finished thoughts in ten seconds. It aren't pretty.) When she left I kicked myself. I was so busy trying to remember everything that I'd left out two BIG BIG parts of my mental health history: my previous self-injurious behavior and my binge/purge...uh...thing. I did tell the pdoc when he finally came in, though.

Once all was said and done, the doc gave me some Prozac (to help with the more frequent depressive episodes) and some Restoril for sleep. I've taken both; I had no real issues with either. (Well, except that one time when I OD'd on Restoril and the fact tha Prozac did cause SSRI-induced mania. But the OD was eight years ago when I was single and wanted very much to die; and the mania problem was all because my previous pdoc didn't have me on any kind of mood stabilizer BEFORE adding the Prozac.) I go back in a month to see how things are going.

I have the distinct feeling that this is not over.

In the meantime I am going to focus on the upcoming stuff-yourself-to-bursting day. And my niece's SECOND birthday. (And try not to focus on the fact that our child would have been almost two, too.) And find THE recipe for Red Velvet Cake for my birthday. And baking Key Lime Cake for my sister's birthday. And celebrating Christmas/the solstice just The Monkey and me this year. (I am seriously considering getting totally sloshed on hard eggnog.) And hunting down some Godiva Chocolate Liqueur for my Chocolatinis for New Year's Eve.

Is 2009 really that close to being over??

Insanity, I tell you. Absolute insanity.

it was only a matter of time

My entire life has been punctuated by mood swings. Sometimes the swings were gradual and I'd slip slowly into a deepening depression. Other times the mood swings were quite violent. Jerking me (and anyone around me) back and forth between my whirlwind of manic mayhem and tarpits of despair.

And then there are the in between times. When I'm not depressed nor am I manic but I'm certainly not euthymic (that is, normal). Mixed states full of pent up, uncontrollable anger and relentless irritability. Those are the worst times. Because no one, not even I, ever knows what to expect.

I find it a bit ironic that Autumn and Winter are my favorite seasons. I love the changing weather. I'd much rather be bundled up under sweaters and long sleeved thermal tees than wearing tank tops and flip flops. (Some of this preference may, in fact, be due to my being overweight and uncomfortable with my appearance, though.) I have an affinity for knee-high socks and boots. Jeans and hooded sweatshirts. And here in Alabama we don't get long enough for me to indulge myself in thick, bundling layers of clothes. Halloween is, and always has been, my favorite holiday. And despite all that I love about this time of year, I can never seem to stave off the inevitable spiral into depression. Which is why I say it's ironic. Because I certainly don't enjoy being depressed.

For weeks I've wanted to do nothing more than crawl under a rock (or, more fittingly, my blanket) and hide. I try to tell myself that there are things to do. I need to do the laundry. I need to pay the bills. I need to go grocery shopping. I need to cook dinner. So I try to get up when The Monkey leaves for work (only to lie back down because I'm just too tired to stay awake at 6:00 AM). Then I try to get up at 8:00 because 8:00 seems like a reasonable enough time to start my day. Eventually 8:00 slips into 10:00 and 10:00 into 11:00 and 11:00 into noon and before I know it it's already 3:00 and almost time for The Monkey to be home from work. And so what's the use in trying to start my day now when it's already over anyway.

But there is still so much to do.

The pdoc I've been seeing since this time last year is not covered under my insurance. The program I've been using is a program for the uninsured. They called me in to update all of my information and paperwork the other day which means they'll soon be asking for proof of income (or lack thereof) and I'll have to show that I am now insured and blah blah blah. It was good while it lasted. (I was getting my very expensive Lamictal for $5.00 a bottle.) In a way, I'm relieved. The pdoc I've been seeing has always been very unreceptive to my opinions on meds. She insisted that I take Zyprexa (nevermind that I had much better results with Abilify). It took me months of being on Lithium and insisting that it wasn't working for her to FINALLY try me out on Lamictal. And she refused to give me a sleep aid and insisted that I take the Zyprexa to help me sleep instead. (Nevermind that I'd rather NOT sleep than take Zyprexa.) So I made an appointment with a new pdoc. A friend of ours uses this doc (her husband and son both see him). I'm not sure what I'm expecting. I know there's no "magical cure" for bipolar disorder. I know that, despite being medicated, I'll always have mood swings. But right now this depression is really relentless and I don't know how much more I can stand. So maybe it's time to supplement the Lamictal with another med. (Surely I didn't expect Lamictal to be my end all, cure all drug anyhow.)

[sigh] What's another horsey on the med-go-round anyway?

the good, the bad, and the beautified

It has been a HECTIC week. A week full of uncertainty and potential disaster.

It started last Friday evening when The Monkey came home from work doubled over. Kidney stone. It required a visit to the ER, copious IV painkillers, a CT scan, and labs. The stone was only 1 - 2mm in diameter so they sent him home all doped up and told him to come back if the excruciating pain returned and to follow up with a urologist. If/when he passed the stone, he did so without knowing it because he stopped straining his urine on Monday when he went back to work. But he hasn't had any further pain so we're confident that everything is okay. He still needs to see a urologist, though. He was on a medication called Urocit a couple of years ago to help prevent stone formation. We've been together for six years. This is the fourth stone he's had in that time. Poor guy!

So Friday night was boring. He was completely zonked and wound up falling asleep during the movie we tried to watch.

Saturday we got up early to get the house nice and tidy for my sister's return. I wanted to vacuum and straighten up and make sure the bathroom and everything was nice and clean. The Monkey was in a little bit of pain so he decided to go to Walgreens and fill his prescriptions (one for Flomax and one for Lortab 10). When he got back he told me that he couldn't get my car to start. WTF?! So I called my dad and he came over and gave my silver bullet a once over. He couldn't find the problem. He said it was most likely the camshaft sensor or the main computer. (The engine was turning over but it wouldn't start.) I was HIGHLY frazzled. Thankful, of course, that we have two vehicles and we'd still have transportation, but UPSET nonetheless. On Sunday we had dinner with my parents and my dad told me to go to AutoZone on Monday and get them to print out a diagram and instructions on how to remove/replace the camshaft sensor. Since The Monkey has an engine identical to mine, we could swap his and see if that was, indeed, the issue.

Thankfully it didn't even go that far. Upon much Googling, I discovered a message board for Alero owners. Someone had posted the same exact problem that I was having. Four of the five replies told the original poster to check their passlock. The passlock is an anti-theft device. When you put your key in the ignition, magnets align in a certain way and, provided it is the correct key and forms the correct alignment, the ignition switch sends a message to the onboard computer which then sends a message to your engine that says "fire fuel injectors". If someone tries to steal the car the passlock mechanism tells the computer to NOT tell the engine to fire the fuel injectors. No fuel, no start. And once the mechanism is tripped, the car won't start no matter how many times you try. Thankfully one of the people on the message boards had a fix. They said to leave the key in the ignition with the ignition switch turned to "On" and to leave it alone for at least 10 minutes. So I did just that, keeping my fingers crossed the whole time. When I finally went back out to my car the "SECURITY" light that had been flashing was out. I pulled the key out and then put it back in and cranked my car. It started right up!! I haven't had a problem with it starting since. Hooray!

But the car drama didn't end there. On Wednesday evening The Monkey and I were driving to Walmart and my check engine light popped on. I cursed a few times then said we were going over to my dad's promptly to find out what code was making the light come on. P0455, as it turns out which means there is an Evaporation Emissions Control System leak. In parantheses it said "Gross Leak" and I was prepared for the worst. Thankfully, once again, the issue didn't seem to be anything serious at all. My owner's manual said to delete the error code and tighten the gas cap. If the light came back on, there was a problem (which may be no more serious than needing a new gas cap). If it didn't come back on (which it hasn't) then it was most likely due to the gas cap being loose. Another bullet dodged.

But, alas, the car drama still doesn't end there! Yesterday I drove out to Birmingham for my RE appointment (more on that in a moment). It was a hellatious drive and one that I haven't made in a long time. It probably wouldn't have been so terrible if it weren't for all the road work. I hit some form or another on every major highway. I hit it twice on I-65 -- once in Montgomery and then again on the outskirts of Birmingham. Anyway, the ride was mostly uneventful, just a little longer than I'm used to. The way home was rough. I was tired and I hit a couple of storms so there were a couple of times where I had to do about 35 into 70. I left Birmingham around 3:00 and I didn't get back into town until almost 7:00. (Normally this drive takes me just under three hours.) I immediately went to our local Walgreens to pick up my prescriptions. When I turned into the parking lot my BRAKE warning light came on. And then, almost as quickly went back out. I pulled into a parking spot and pulled my hand brake. The light came on (as expected) and then went out when I released the brake. I thought it was a fluke until I turned into Arby's and the same thing happened. And then again when I turned onto a street in our neighborhood. And then again when I pulled into the driveway. The light didn't stay on, though. It was coming on and staying lit for 20 - 30 seconds and then going out. I immediately thought about the $650 brake job I had done a month ago. My front brakes are all brand new and my rear drums were cleaned and adjusted. The last thing I should be having problems with are my freaking brakes! Especially since I've only driven about 800 miles since they were changed and 400 of that was yesterday! Anyway, I called my dad this morning and asked him if my brake fluid could be low. He said it would absolutely cause the problem but just filling it with brake fluid wouldn't solve the underlying problem. Brake systems are self contained. You should rarely, if ever, have to add brake fluid to the resevoir. If you do, there is a leak somewhere. Just. Freaking. Fantastic. So, sure enough, when he opened the fluid resevoir it wasn't just low it was EMPTY. Like seriously BONE DRY. So my dad, after chastising me for taking my car to "amateur mechanics" instead of him, took a look at my calipers and brake lines. Sure enough, the lines were leaking. I was furious to say the least. I told my dad I was taking it back to Expert Tire so they could fix the issue. It was, after all, an issue THEY caused. I've never had this problem before they did the brake job. My dad was afraid that they would call me a silly girl and tell me that the moisture I saw was simply due to the roads being wet from all the rain (nevermind the fact that the lines were perfectly dry except where the connections were) so he called them up before sending me over. They had me in and out in a half hour. Something about a bad O-ring, which they replaced. Nevertheless, I plan to keep an eye on my brake fluid levels. If it starts to go down, I'll be taking it back again. Only THIS time, I'll be bringing my dad, a veteran Army mechanic, along with me. :P

I have to say that my day started off pretty well, though. At my appointment yesterday they drew labs and then I had my annual exam. This morning they called back with the results which are as follows:

• TSH was above three. They like to see it below three and told me to keep taking the 50mcg of Synthroid as directed.


• Cholesterol was normal! A big shocker since PCOSers are predisposed to high cholesterol and I'm not exactly the ideal build.


• CBC showed that my iron count was low. It should be 11.5 or higher and mine was 10.3. They stared me on iron supplements. I am not looking forward to the constipation.


• My pap cultures all came back normal. Hooray again!


• Last, but not least, my fasting insulin was an astounding 5.3!! My jaw hit the floor when she said that. I was totally prepared for it to be much higher than that! For reference sake, when I was first diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance in 2006 my level was above 24. After my first month on metformin it dropped to 12. In two subsequent labs it was 10 and then later on 14. So it has NEVER been this low! She said it was an excellent level. I am not sure how skewed this result might be. Your supposed to be fasting for 8 - 12 hours before they draw blood. I didn't have anything to eat after 8:00 PM on the 29th and they didn't draw the blood for the labs until 1:00 PM on the 30th. Even still, I imagine it couldn't have been too much higher. I'm to continue taking 1500mg of metformin daily. I specifically asked for the immediate release instead of the extended release which they had no problem with.

I started my Synthroid today. The effects on my appetite were incredible. I had to force myself to eat lunch. I have to take it on an empty stomach and am not supposed to eat for at least a half hour afterwards. I wound up being so caught up in getting ready for my busy day that it was nearly 11:00 before I ate anything. I started to feel woozy and scarfed down a sandwich. But every time I thought about eating a bagel or something it just didn't sound appealing. Which is really different since that's what I've been having for breakfast for a couple of weeks now. A cinnamon bagel with cinnamon swirl cream cheese. Or a blueberry bagel with strawberry and cheesecake flavored cream cheese. [drool] I was pretty ravenous at dinner time so I need to make a point about eating smaller meals throughout the day. AF made a rather timely appearance and I'll be starting my birth control pills (Desogen) tonight as well. I'm really hoping this combo of meds will help make losing weight that much easier. My RE and the nurses were all astounded by my weight loss. I've lost 30 pounds since the beginning of the year. I had to make sure and emphasize that I'd gained about 40 pounds in 2008. :P Still, it was nice to get the pats on the back for my efforts and encouragement to keep going. I also found out that my sister's scale is DEAD ON accurate. I weighed myself before I left (being sure to have my clothes on) and I weighed the same amount at the doctor's office.

Today I had a semi-busy day. I had to go to the DMV to register our cars. Today was the last day to do it without the $15 per vehicle penalty. The line was pretty long but the wait wasn't bad at all. Unfortunately, I wish I'd driven out to Dale county to reregister them instead of doing it in Coffee because we wound up having to pay an extra $25 for city tax or something. I could've saved money even though I would've had to drive 28 miles. [shrug] It's just as well, though. Then I took my car to Expert Tire. And then I headed to my stylist to have my hair done. Which, I must say, turned out positively fabulous as usual!



A view from the front.



A view from the back to show the contrasting colors of the top layers vs. the bottom layers.

It's a bit different from the colors I did in March. The bottom layers are the same dark, almost black brown. But the top is much more red than it was in March. Which means it won't fade out quite as nicely but that's okay. Now I'm all set up for portraits when we go up north!

We are leaving here at midnight on the 3rd (well, technically, the 4th). The drive is going to take an estimated 17 hours. I'm wishing I could get a hold of a really GOOD radar detector to cut down our travel time, though. I need to procure a car charger for my iPod so I have some form of entertainment. Reading is out of the question as I get motion sickness quite easily. I wish we could take my sister's Suburban because it's fully loaded, DVD player and TV included. But we won't all fit so we're taking my mom's Trailblazer instead. Only three more days to go! I'm very excited to see everyone! Even if I didn't quite meet my weight loss goal.

And now to go lie down and relax and hopefully pass out after my full day.

documenting the non-interesting

Today my anxiety level is through the roof. I don't know what gives. Anxiety has been an almost non-issue for the past year because we removed the major source of stress from my life: work. Money/finances have been a source of stress and worry but nothing unmanagable, to be honest.

Today's anxiety came out of nowhere. It hit like a freak lightning strike on a stormless, cloudless day. There are no precursors. I am not preoccupied about anything, to my knowledge. Things are taking a turn for the better with The Monkey getting hired on at Verizon. (His hire date, by the way, is June 1st!) His first paycheck for Verizon is going to fall, spectacularly, one week after his last Manpower paycheck. So no juggling finances and rearranging bills. And I've even been consistently losing weight and dared to put on some clothes I haven't worn in a year and a half and was delighted to find that they not only fit, they fit comfortably.

So I have no clue where the anxiety/panic is coming from. None at all.

I saw my pdoc again today. I'll be glad when we have insurance and I can choose my own pdoc and see someone that will give me more than five minutes every month and a half. I understand the situation. And I am grateful that I was able to utilize their services while being uninsured. I'm just ready to see a pdoc that does more than write a few things down on paper and then handing me a prescription.

And speaking of prescriptions, I am up to the lowest theraputic dosage of Lamictal. It doesn't seem to be doing much of anything but it's certainly not hurting me so the doc upped me to a better (and more widely used) theraputic dosage of 200mg per day. So I start that dosage tomorrow. I'm not taking the Zyprexa often. It does keep me from climbing the walls but the side effects are completely unacceptable. I'll take a small dose at night and the next day all I can think about is EATING. So I shy away from it except in times of desperate need (e.g. I haven't slept more than a couple of hours in a week and I feel like I'm going to crawl up the walls and hang from the ceiling).

In other news, So You Think You Can Dance started tonight! I completely missed last season because of everything that was transpiring in our lives at the time (my depression, hospitalization, The Monkey getting fired, my getting fired, moving... blah blah blasé blah) but I really enjoyed the hell out of season three and I am hoping this season kicks some major bootie!

So now I'm going to go sit down and watch Ace of Cakes reruns and then Good Eats. And I'll take my meds like a good little girl and hopefully sleep the entire night and not worry about the shadows and the incessant racing thoughts.

Yep.

my less than exciting life

I've started a few entries over the last two weeks and I just haven't had the energy or motivation to finish them. Not to mention I'm just having trouble finding a way to put things into words. I feel totally inadequate as a writer these days.

I really have nothing to report. Unless you want to hear about the last four days of my constant cleaning of cat puke. Probably not, though.

The new meds seem to be doing just fine. The only problem I've had thus far was a really bad headache yesterday. But I was over it by 1:00-ish. I also had some pretty wacky and intense hallucinations a few nights back. I'll be sure to keep an eye on that. Also having strange waking nightmart type things where I wake up in the middle of the night and completely panic because I don't know where I am. I'm not sure if that's the meds or not. I guess we'll see.

Life is boring. I feel like everything is on pause. Or rather I'm on pause and the rest of the world is moving in fast forward around me. The Monkey changed job positions and is adjusting well. If they'd only hire him on as a permanent employee I'd be thrilled. He's changing shifts next week from 9:00 to 6:00 to 7:00 to 4:00. Also he'll be working once every third weekend. His schedule should go from being horribly erratic to stable once the changes take effect.

It's a nice day out and I'm seriously considering getting outside in the sunshine and washing/waxing my car. I haven't done it in... uh... probably a year. Well, not a serious wash, anyway. I've been to the car wash a few times and rinsed it a few times but I haven't detailed the poor thing in forever.

Mostly my life is boring.

nuh uh!

I totally don't believe in alternate dimensions that appear in vortexes on the ceiling when I wake up in the middle of the night. Nor do I believe that someone is moving doors and switching things around while I'm sleeping. And I DO know where I live and where I fall asleep and therefore where I am when wake up. And I also know who I am.

thanksverymuch

celebrating five years (a few days late...)

Tonight The Monkey and I are going to head to the local Drive-In to see Fast & Furious and The House on the Left. Mostly we're interested in Fast & Furious, the second movie is just a bonus. (Gotta love double features!) The movies start at approximately 7:45 so I'm guessing we'll head out somewhere for dinner around four. I guess that means I should head upstairs and get showered! We slept until 12:00 today. We were up until 2:00 watching The Fast & The Furious because I hadn't seen all of it. It's second only to The Matrix as The Monkey's favorite movie.

Also, I got my ring yesterday! It's SOOOO pretty! I tried to get a decent pic of it but my camera SUCKS at the macro function. The inscriptions were smaller than I expected (the website photo makes them look huge!) but the stones are just gorgeous. Sapphire and Blue Topaz really do sit well together. ;)

So far Lamictal has caused me NO grief. I keep checking myself for any hint/signs of a rash and I have none. Also, NO HEADACHES to date. Hoorah! I was pretty energetic yesterday. I got up early to watch the kiddos while my sister went to D-Town to pick up her hubby from the hospital. (He just had back surgery again.) When I put Madison down for a nap I started putting away all the [clean] laundry that had piled up since we flooded. I also did all of the dirty laundry so I had a mountain of clean clothes to fold and put away. I despise laundry! But I got it all done and then spent the rest of my afternoon reorganizing drawers. The Monkey has his own chest of drawers and all of my stuff is taking up the dresser and the [larger] chest of drawers. Yikes! Me thinks it's time to downsize. Our hanging clothes rack is packed full as well. I would like to go through those clothes and pull down all of my work clothes and put them in a bin and take them to storage. That would free up a LOT of space. But we'll see. It was a nice productive day and I was thrilled to have enough energy to buckle down and do it. I haven't had focused energy like that in a while. I was all Wow the Lamictal is working already! until I started doing other things that were more indicative of being hypomanic more than anything. Oh wells. At least it's not giving me any side effects.

Ok, time to go shower! I need to get primped and prettied for dinner and the movies. Which will involve makeup (of course) and flat ironing my hair!

all aboard the SS Lamotrigine

Lamictal is a fun medication. It can cause all sorts of freaky side effects the most notable of which is a potentially deadly rash (aka Stevens-Johnson Syndrome). Thankfully the rash can be cured by discontinuing the medication and it tends to hit slow and kill even slower. So like I could walk around with a rash for weeks without dying. [whew]

It also has a notable side effect of headaches. I'm going to try to ignore this tidbit of information. The only person in my family that rivals me in headache suffrage is my oldest sister. We've both been on Topamax for said headaches -- she longer than I. She has NO complaints about Lamictal and says it really has helped her a lot. I'm not sure if she knew it can cause headaches or not. If it did cause headaches for her, they weren't bothersome enough to merit concern. [double whew]

Back to The Rash. So apparently the best way to avoid The Rash (if it can be avoided; some people simply can't tolerate Lamictal) is to titrate the dose v-e-r-y s--l--o--w--l--y. I knew this before I even had a vested interest in taking it because I frequent crazymeds.us though I was never particularly observant of the recommended titration schedule. I just knew that starting slowly was key.

So when I went to get my scrip filled this afternoon (thank goodness for being on the medication assistance program!) I read the prescription bottle. "Take 1/2 [100mg] tablet twice a day." 50mg twice a day. I knew that was WAY too high a starting dosage without even doing any further research. Thankfully not only is my sister on this medication, so are a few of my [online] friends. My friend SK was vehement that the starting dosage was WAAAAAAY to high and recommended taking 25mg a day for a week or two to start, increase to 50mg for a week or two, then 100mg for a week, then 200mg for a week. Then I found the recommended titration schedule where else but the manufaturer's website. It too said 25mgs for the first two weeks, 50mg weeks three and four, 100mg for week five, and 200mg thereafter. WTF is my pdoc trying to kill me?!? Or is she really that big of a Lithium pusher that she wanted me to develop The Rash of Death so I couldn't take Lamictal?? Mostly I think she's probably fabulously unobservant. Or something.

So I took my first 25ish mg dose tonight. I say 25ish because I had to quarter a 100mg tablet. And the tablets are shield shaped and only perfectly semetrical ONE way; the top half being wider than the bottom half of the pill. Why the geniuses at the pharmacy didn't just give me 25mg tablets I don't know. (GSK doesn't make a 50mg tablet oddly enough.)

At any rate, keep your fingers crossed that I don't develop any horrible, intolerable side effects, especially The Rash. AND that this is my "miracle" drug.

That is pretty much all. Tomorrow will be an awesomesauce Friday. My anniversary present will be here! Super excited! Plus, it's Friday and The Monkey has off all weekend. And I'm feeling pretty optimistic about things for the moment. Let's hope it holds up!

finally! a NEW horsey!

Provided everything checks out with the medication assistance program through SCAMH I will be off the Lithium and on to Lamictal. FINALLY. Now to wish/hope/pray that I don't get The Rash with the Lamictal and that it will actually help curb my mood swings without making my personality completely flat. Plus, Lamictal has been dubbed "weight neutral" so hopefully weight loss will start coming a little easier when I stop the Lithium. Hopefully.

Mostly I'm just thrilled to be trying something new and different. Because with new and different comes the hope that this med cocktail might actually work and keep my mood swings at bay.

We shall see.

Lissa and the Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

My day started off with my usual three mile walk. As per the norm, I clipped my [brand new] cell phone to the inside of my hoodie pocket. Somehow, someway, I managed to knock it out and it went clattering onto the asphalt. While the new faceplate did take the brunt of the fall, my poor [brand new] Voyager is already scratched.

Damnit.

I got over that fairly quickly only to have the dumb ass working the Arby's drive-thru hand me a bag that was too small for the food I ordered out the drive-thru window, ripping the bag in the process. I would have asked nicely for a new bag but I was already late picking up The Monkey for lunch so I said screw it. Long story short, all but a third of The Monkey's curly fries wound up on the floor board. Then, when I was attempting to clean up the mess my Diet Dr. Pepper sprung open covering my console and my entire right side in the thankfully un-sticky mess. Come to find out the lid that the dumb ass working the drive-thru gave me was cracked and popped loose when I leaned over to clean up the fries.

Mother f*ckers!

I was grouchy all through lunch. Poor Monkey. I managed to get my anger in check with a nice, long, scalding hot shower. Nothing like near-burning your skin to bring about a nice 'warm fuzziness'. (Now I remmeber why I always used to self injure the worst when I was angry -- there's just something about physical pain that dissolves all the emotional GUNK away.) So, in a slightly better mood, I started on my makeup. I was almost finished and went to sit on the bed to put my socks on when I noticed Jasmine lounging peacefully. I pet her on the head and she looked up at me lazily and started purring. Then she got up and stretched then plopped precariously onto her back revealing a nice hole in her tummy. It wasn't bleeding so I contemplated going to Walgreens and picking up some butterfly stitches to hold the skin together and wrapping her in an ACE bandage. In the mean time, I decided the best course of action would be to put her in the kennel and call the vet that did her surgery. Which I did and I tried futilely for a half hour. As it was already dangerously close to 5:00 PM I went ahead and called a local vet instead. They said to bring her in.

Half an hour later (after the poor kitty was poked and prodded and weighed and violated with the butt thermometer) they determined that she needed to be resutured and to do so they had to anesthize her again. I walked out with a semi-healthy cat, $160 poorer. Needless to say, I was not happy. This time around they put a lampshade collar on her to keep her from chewing out these sutures. She has to wear it for a week. I am so pissed that the vet didn't do this initially but the girl said it's really not a standard practice for cats. I didn't have this problem with Olivia or William when they got fixed and declawed so this was really unexpected. Thank heavens the vet accepts Care Credit although now we went from having $0 balances on all but one of our credit cards to only having a $0 balance on one. I'm waiting for something to happen to one of my or The Monkey's tires. Then we'll have a $0 balance on none.



She looks pretty pissed, huh?



Poor kitty!

I am very irritated with this whole situation and having to pay $160 that we really do not have. My sister has been talking about the electric and water bills a lot more lately and I feel like she's hinting around wanting us to chip in. I feel like shit that we really don't have the extra cash to chip in. I thought about giving her some money when we get our tax return but The Monkey STILL hasn't gotten his W2 yet. ARRRGH! Depending on how much we get back, I'd like to throw at least $300 my sister's way. I know it's really not much but there's not much else we can do. We're going to need that money to fall back on for other things. Like groceries. I do not like living like this. I do not want to live like this. I do not want to be sitting at my computer wearing gloves with a blanket draped over me just to keep from freezing. I do not like feeling USELESS and WORTHLESS and POINTLESS all. the. freaking. time. I am tired of the mood swings. I am already sick and tired of the meds and how the Lithium makes my stomach feel like it is in a perpetual knot and I hate that even the micro-dose of Zyprexa has me sleeping 12 hours against my will. (I won't even go in on the food cravings and how my weight is not BUDGING even though I am doing my best to eat less, drink more water, and exercise daily.)

On my to-do list this week:

1. Start looking into getting paid to blog. Since I do it almost daily anyway, why not try to make some extra cash?? Even an extra $100 a month would be a huge help at this point.


2. Find out whether or not we qualify for any other assistance while we're waiting for my SSD appeal.


3. Call my school and see about getting them to credit back the finance charges they tacked onto my bill. (I owe them around $200, they charged me finance charges for for the $6,000+ that was on my account for two months because my student loans too almost the entire semester to post to my account. I am NOT paying interest on $6,000+ dollars!!)


4. See what I can do about registering for next semester -- hopefully my FINAL semester.


5. Try to think of good reasons to keep on living.

On top of everything else, I caught my niece's cold. So now I'm stuffy, sneezy, achey, blah blah blah...

Now I am going to get off of this thing so The Monkey can play WarCrack for a little while and I'm going to attempt to give myself carpel tunnel from playing Guitar Hero on Hyperspeed.

cruisin' along '09

So the month of January comes to a close. I'll be the first to admit that 2009 has been very kind to me and mine thus far. I can't think of one significant thing to complain about. (There are plenty of minor things, mostly inconveniences that really don't merit blog time.)

School, at this point, is mostly yawn-worthy. I'm taking a class that is sort of a hybrid of two classes I've already taken. So, essentially, everything we're doing is 'review' and I haven't really had to put forth much effort to keep my grade at a high A. I also had my academic advisor run a graduation audit for me. The results came as quite a shock. According to them (and I'm still waiting on confirmation that they haven't flubbed something up) I only have THREE more classes (equal to eight credit hours) until I graduate! This is me doing the freaking Snoopy Dance like you've never seen me do the Snoopy Dance before! I have a Humanities class to take (Technology, Society & Culture), a Career Development course, and my final class will be the Senior Project. If the graduation audit is correct I will be finished with school by summer time! However I suspect they made a mistake because, according to my well-kept records, I still have two concentration courses to take -- Database and Website Integration and Integrated Computer Applications. I'm kind of on the fence as to what I want the answer to my inquiry to be. On one hand I am greatly looking forward to graduating and putting school behind me for a while. On the other hand the sooner school ends, the sooner I will have to start paying back my school loans. I peeked at one of my recent statements and, though it was expected, the $60k balance threw me for a loop. I'm guessing my loan payments are going to run me somewhere close to $300 a month and we're just not in a place financially where that is feasible. So the longer I stay in school the longer I can put that off. (Of course, that also means interest is going to keep accruing which is another dilemma I am facing. Gah!) Once I graduate, though, I fully intend on looking into a consolidation program with a low interest rate. I still have to make a firm decision on graduate school. I do want to get a Masters but it seems kind of wasteful at the moment. But if I'm not going to be working I may wind up qualifying for grants to help pay for my Masters and the program shouldn't take me much longer than a year to complete. Then I could potentially re-enter the job market with a very strong academic background indeed. A lot can change in six months so it really doesn't make much sense for me to make myself crazy over the details right now.

So this week my Banana-shaped friend and I walked 12-ish miles. I feel great. I'm definitely more energized. I've also been taking a low dose of Zyprexa every night which has helped me sleep well for the most part. Last night I woke up at 2:30 in the morning (after falling asleep just after 1:00) ready to do something. Normally when I wake up in the middle of the night I toss and turn for a few then eventually fall back asleep. Last night was different, though. I woke up and felt like I could run a mile or drive to the coast. I settled on browsing the Internet instead. I was on eBay for about an hour and came ohsoclose to buying a lot of makeup that I don't need/can't afford. Call it an act of God or what have you, but The Monkey actually woke up in the middle of my [almost] shopping spree and sent me back to bed. Drat! (Ok, ok... I know it was a good thing he woke up. But oh how I would've loved to have some Afterglow blush and four new eyeshadow singles and two new palettes -- all by Urban Decay -- to add to my makeup collection! :P)

I think manias are so much more difficult for people to grasp/understand/deal with. I mean, a depressed person is quite obviously unwell. In my case I am lethargic, almost bed-ridden, weepy, and full of 'doom and gloom' as it were. But with mania, it's a little difficult to register the fact that I am not, in fact, doing well but am, in fact, dealing with the opposite end of my illness. I'm cheerfulness and happiness abounding. I'm talkative and social. Full of energy with life coursing heavily through my veins. I am very much alive. I have ideas -- so many ideas -- that it's hard to channel my energy into any one direction. How do I chose?? (This is one reason I've started keeping the makeup blog -- it's a specific way to 'channel' all my manic energy.) And anyone on the outside looking in may find it easy to look at me and think that I am well when I really, really am not. The surface of things can be monumentally deceiving. While I'd much rather be manic than depressed any day I'm trying to get to a point where I recognize what is happening and instead of just 'enjoying the ride' I am trying to find ways of centering/grounding/focusing myself so that I don't fall off the deep end and get lost in the manic frenzies. Because manic, like depressed, is not good.

I need to start aiming towards euthymic.

16 months you say?

So I am really, truly hoping that my attorney can get help me build a strong enough case for the SSA to get it approved quicker than the current average wait time. Right now, for this area, the wait for a hearing is approximately 16 months. We'd have to live with my sister and BIL for another year, minimum. I say another year because in a year's time both of our cars will be paid off and we may be able to swing living on our own without two car payments to worry about. Most of our other bills are pretty insignificant amounts.

16 months. Our government really sucks.

There is some good news about the wait time, though. The back-pay award will be massive. My monthly award is $957. Multiply that by the 24-ish months it'll take to get approved. That's roughly $23,000 in back-pay. I'm trying to imagine having that much money at my disposal. Of course, we'll owe the attorney $5,300 of that. So, okay, about $18,000 at my disposal. We could pay off every bill we have and still have a big pile of money to roll around in. We could think about buying a house and actually have money for closing costs and everything else. We could pay for a round of IVF out of our pockets if we really wanted to. (Though I seriously doubt I'll want to.) Of course, I'm hoping that we can play the 'dire need' card and get my hearing date moved up. Or, even better, get an 'on the record' review which would get my case approved immediately. The judge cannot disapprove my claim by doing an on the record review. S/he can only either approve it or decide that I need to go through a hearing. Seems like a win/win to me. The 'dire need' thing just trips me out. The representative that helped me with all the paperwork and will be filing my appeal said we should wait on the dire need letter when our situation becomes more desperate.

I'm sorry, but I don't really see how my situation could be more desperate short of losing my cards, destroying my credit, and being homeless. My sister and BIL are footing the bill for housing me. They are forking out about $150 extra a month for the extra electric and water that The Monkey and I are using. Now this isn't to say that we don't help out in other ways. We do help out with the kids whenever asked. And we frequently offer to help when not asked. I buy laundry soap regularly even though a bottle of soap would last The Monkey and me six months or better. My sister hasn't bought toilet paper since we moved in (and four adults and three kids go through a LOT of toilet paper). Even still, it doesn't seem like enough. And really, just because we have somewhere to live doesn't mean that it's going to stay that way. My BIL is in the Army, after all, and he is currently on orders to go to Fort Bliss in July of this year. At which time we very well could become homeless in the strictest sense of the term. We have very little assets. We own a couch and a bed, a computer that's pretty dated (though still functional), a TV from the mid-90s that's probably not worth much. Other than that, we own a front loading washer and dryer set. Our cars aren't paid for yet and, therefore, cannot be called assets. I just feel that being a couple of 35 and 28 that we should be able to support ourselves and the fact that we can't just, in my opinion, screams dire need.

But what do I know.

At any rate, I'm hoping that we survive this whole convoluted process and come out successful and not in financial ruin on the other side.

The fact that I do, actually, feel better since I've stopped working is both a blessing and a curse. Just because I look functional on the surface does not mean that if I went out and tried to get a job that I wouldn't lose it again. I'd be like a bomb with a lit fuse. There would be no telling how long I could handle the stress of working a normal job before I'd have a meltdown. Which is why I applied for disability in the first place. Why stay in a perpetual cycle of 'get hired, get fired' if I can maintain a happier and healthier existance by not working? It makes more sense to me, anyway.

Tomorrow we are going out to visit The Monkey's brother and niece. His niece's birthday is Saturday but her dad won't have her that weekend so we're going to go out and give her the gift that was intended to be her Christmas gift. :P Then, hopefully, we'll come home to sing happy birthday and have cake with Madison. My sister is finally getting around to baking her first birthday cake. :P She had an ear infection on her birthday so my sister put off baking her a cake. Then the holidays rolled around and everyone just got so gosh-darn busy that she put it on the back burner. My sister felt horrendously guilty so she went out and bought a heart-shaped cake pan and pink frosting and 'happy birthday' candles and a cute little outfit that says 'Birthday Girl' on the front for Madison to wear.

Now it is time for me to take my 3.5 mg piece of a 15 mg Zyprexa pill so I can get some sleep. The 3.5 mg seems to be just enough to knock me out for about 10 hours. I can't imagine how badly the entire 15 mg would wipe me out. Then again, I can, because 100 mg of Seroquel (a low dose by all standards) used to turn me into nothing short of a semi-functional zombie.

I really need to increase my dose of Lithium from the 300 mg I've been taking to the 900 mg I'm supposed to be taking. I just can't even begin to say how much I hate the stuff. But, hey, maybe if I start getting all of the nasty side effects that I've had in the past my SSD case will be more compelling. 'See, Your Honor, I'm a good little girl and I take my medication and it makes me a lot less crazy but now my hands shake so badly that I can't even drink a cup of hot coffee with one hand!' Or something.

oh oh, the med-go-round...

Haven't I been on this horsey before???

I saw the pdoc today and I have to say, I'm not impressed. But, really, what can I do? I can't afford to find one of my own that can see me more often than once every few months (!!!) and I have to see a doc semi-regularly in order to help sway the SSA into approving my claim. (Even if not initially, then definitely eventually.)

First, the pdoc didn't have my previous records. GAH! I submitted the paperwork to the mental health center TWO MONTHS ago for them to get my records from APS. GRR! So she basically had to go off of what I told her today. Second, instead of finding out two months ago whether or not I qualify for the medication assistance program (because we are 'low income' right now) they waited until TODAY to get me to fill out the paperwork. So now I have to wait for them to determine whether or not I qualify and, because of that, the pdoc gave me the precise meds that I did not want.

For the time being, she put me back on Lithium (900mg to start) and gave me a 30 day supply of, get this, 15mg Zyprexa tablets. I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE ZYPREXA. Zyprexa is the WORST of the atypicals to cause weight gain, high cholesterol, and Type II diabetes. Even with short term usage! I'm already predisposed to ALL of these conditions because of the PCOS! Thanks, but no thanks, I think I'll just be crazy. She told me to take the Zyprexa PRN for severe manic episodes (something I don't really get) and to help me sleep. (Yeah, this crap makes you sleep like 18 hours after you take it. UGH!) Instead of providing me with something that's BETTER SUITED for a PRN medication (like Klonopin or Xanax) she gave me this wretched drug. I'd rather suck wax fruit! (Or, more realistically, go weeks only sleeping a couple of hours a night.) Then, to top that off, she gave me a HIGH starting dosage. WTF is this lady on??? So if, by some off chance, I do have to take this crap, I will most definitely be using a pill splitter and I'll divide the pill in half and then divide the half in half. No joke.

Then there's Lithium. The "tried and true" bipolar medication. If you're classic bipolar I, that is. If you've done any bit of research (which I have...endlessly) on the specific flavor of bipolar disorder that I have, you'd know that Lithium really isn't the drug of choice for mood stabilization. I did pretty well on Topamax and Abilify (if you discount the fact that my speech was noticeably slurred). I'd really like to try Lamictal because it's notorious for helping stabilize the mood along with having strong antidepressant qualities. (This would be fantastic for me considering I tend towards depression rather than mania.) And Abilify is the least evil of the atypicals and was recently FDA approved as an add-on for treatment resistant depression. But, I don't have prescription coverage and both Lamictal and Abilify run around $300 per scrip per month. So the pdoc went the cheap route with Lithium. That I can deal with -- at least short term.

Over all, I'm really just annoyed with psychopharmacology in general. Can anyone really blame me? But I started the Lithium tonight like a good little med-compliant crazy person (I still had some left over from my old prescription) and I'll go in for a levels check on January 9th. They're also going to check my thyroid and see if I need to get back on Synthroid. In the words of the pdoc "Hypothyroidism can mimic bipolar symptoms, you know." I'm so sure that of all the blood work my pdocs in the past have done, all the bloodwork I've had done with my RE, and all the bloodwork I've had done otherwise that no one has EVER caught the fact that I have hypothyroidism. When my RE put me on it earlier this year, it was because my levels were borderline low. And you know RE's -- they treat anything that's borderline because it can potentially affect fertility. Any other doctor would have dismissed my levels (and several actually did).

So that's that. I guess we'll see how things go from here. For the most part I am unimpressed, annoyed, and really just suffering from that "WTF is the point?" frame of mind.

just a few random snippets

I've already crashed from my manic high. No surprise there. I think the longest [euphoric] manic episode I've experienced was a couple of weeks. Mostly I'm lucky if the happy-happy, joy-joy feelings last for a day or two. I was sailing for about 36 hours this time.

I'm trying to do some research on medications so I can be prepared for my pdoc appointment on the 18th of December. I already know I don't want to go back on Lithium because Lithium is primarily an anti-manic and doesn't have significant antidepressant qualities. Lamictal, on the other hand, has significant antidepressant qualities but is a really, REALLY fickle medication. It carries a significant risk of a potentially fatal rash called Stevens-Johnson syndrome and titration takes a month or longer. Plus the side effects are questionable. The two I'm most worried about are, primarily, body aches and headaches. Since I stopped working I've had very few headaches. In the past seven months I think I've had three migraines. This is a phenomenal change! The thought of being on a med that causes headaches scares the crap out of me. Then there's good ol' Dopamax (Topamax). Another slow titration drug that causes my mood to get even WACKIER before it actually stabilizes. (It also takes about a month to get to my theraputic dose of 150mg.) Topamax does have some perks (mainly the weight loss "side effect") but it has a LOT of wacky side effects. Tingling in the hands, feet, and face. Aphasia. General dopey-headedness (though I never got this side effect too badly). And, the wackiest of them all - making carbonated drinks taste like CRAP. No more diet soda for me. :-/ The worst side effect of Topamax is the hair loss. My hair started coming out in clumps, unfortunately. Not to mention, the hair itself thinned out dramatically. I'm really not sure, at this point, what I'm going to ask for. The only two meds I know for certain are a no go are Lithium and Depakote.

Our trip to Dothan was actually pretty nice. We stopped at Personnel Resources (a temp agency setup) first and got The Monkey registered there. They immediately said something about a collector's position (in Dothan) but they had to consult with the company before they could say whether or not he'd be a good candidate. We were hoping for a call back that afternoon but it never came. So, we called the next day and they said the company declined to interview because they didn't feel The Monkey had sufficient sales drive. [eyeroll] However, we did stop by Farmer's Furniture that afternoon as well and spoke to the manager of the store. (FYI - The Monkey was working for Farmer's as the Credit Manager in Enterprise in 2003 when we met. He can't get back on at Farmer's in Enterprise, though, because my mom works there. Conflict of interest. Meh.) At any rate, he put in his app with Farmer's in Dothan. After the brief, but fairly productive, job hunt, we stopped at Barnes & Noble for Starbucks and I picked up a couple of books.

Last night we got a call from the Dothan Farmer's Furniture manager asking The Monkey to come in for an interview this afternoon. [snoopy dance] It looks really promising. He'll be starting off as a collector and the hours are kind of jacked up but at least it's a job. The manager, thankfully, remembers Tony from his Credit Manager days in Enterprise and, apparently, the current Credit Manager in Dothan isn't working out so well and there's a very good chance she'll be out of there in the next 30-60 days. If The Monkey gets hired as the collector, he can step up to the Credit Manager position if/when the current one gets booted. (According to the store manager, she's just too nice for collections; not assertive enough with the customers to get them to come in and pay on time.) If that happens, The Monkey will get a nice pay increase. We're keeping our fingers crossed!

All in all the week has been decent. I finished reading one of my books and I'm half way through the second one I bought. I need to get cracking on my homework, though. I have a website to setup on the topic "Blogging: A fad or here to stay?" on top of having a midterm in my other class. I got my lab for Web Development finished yesterday but I still have to take this week's quiz. Drat.

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. I'm craving turkey and sweet potatoes like nobody's business. My mom just needs to get the grocery list together so we can go shopping! We're really bad with waiting until the last minute. :-P

The Changeling

So much is changing. I've spent the last five years of my existance focusing on having a family; making a baby. I'm not as focused on that anymore. I'm more preoccupied with my next mood swing and will it be destructive like the last few have. Meh.

I'm adjusted on 1200mg of Lithium daily now. I'm also still taking 15 mg of Abilify and 1/2 a mg of Xanax PRN and 10 mg of Ambien PRN. I seem to PRN my PRN drugs a lot more than I should. Double meh.

I'm not completely done/given up TTC. In fact, I fully intend on having sex tonight in an effort to maybe catch a miracle egg. My hopes are not high but ideas are soaring through my head. What would it be like to get pregnant without any assistance. Without needle pokes and visits with the dildo cam? I imagine it would be nothing short of miraculous. But I am about to ovulate according to my OPKs and my body signs (not to mention the wicked ovulation pain I had yesterday afternoon). Perhaps this will be my lucky egg... perhaps not.

I'm trying to work on my tan. Jergen's "Natural Glow" is lending me a hand. Fake tanning is a trip. I just want that "healthy" looking glow. It's working, too.

Tony and I will be starting back on the South Beach Diet next week, also. I need to lose at least 25 pounds by summertime. The first 10 should come off rather easy it'll be that second 15 that'll hold me up. But I'm going to try, I have to try.

Mother's Day this weekend. The thought of it makes me want to slit my wrists.

curse the restless

I am out of Ambien. It was a 30 day prescription that I had filled barely 10 days ago. Ouch. Reality sucks.

I'm coming down off months of being on an SSRI (Prozac, then Zoloft). Let me tell you what SSRI withdrawl syndrome is like. Dizziness, nausea, foggy-headedness - all plentiful. Sweating - check. Miserable - check. I'm sure I should've titrated downwards but my pdoc felt otherwise. Prozac has a really long half life so he figured I'd be fine. No can do. I get these waves of disorientation every fifteen minutes or so. Thankfully the nausea has been bearable.

I think the Lithium is starting to kick in. I'm not really 100% sure. I'm not as depressed as I was a week ago, that's for sure. I've actually put eye makeup on two days running. *gasp!* So maybe things are looking up. I'm also pretty sure I ovulated this cycle which means AF should show her face in about a week. I am probably going to lose it when she does because I should've been starting my IUI cycle. [sigh]

Well, I guess I'm going to go sit by a fan and try to cool off. I'm sweating perfusely and basically miserable. But I'm making brownies and brownies are good.

it's happening again

After a couple of months of being very stable on meds it seems that they've pooped out on me. At least my anti-depressants have. :( I'm severely depressed. I spent the first three hours of my work day running to and from the bathroom so I could bawl my eyes out. My makeup looks horrid because of it. It's a good thing it's allergy season or someone might've suspected that something was up. My excuse for having teary, red eyes has been "allergies" all day long.

No one at work has any clue that I have a mental illness. Most of the time I'm good at hiding it. When I'm depressed (like I am now) I do have a tendency to miss work, though. I'm surprised I haven't been fired yet, especially after last week's fiasco.

This depression started right after surgery. I decided to call in on Monday because I was still hurting pretty bad and bleeding very heavily. Tuesday I woke up queasy and literally couldn't sit up long enough to put my makeup on. So I called in again. What should've been one extra day off turned into an entire week. :'( My boss was ticked and who could blame him? The reason I missed Wednesday and Thursday was because I blacked out about five or six times in that time period. Thursday I hit my head on the bathtub and now I have a bruise on my forehead. Lovely. I called in Friday because the doctor gave me orders to check into the hospital on Thursday. I didn't go. Everything has been such a trainwreck since my surgery and I don't know why.

Wednesday night I broke down in front of my Monkey after taking a handful of Xanaflex. I cried and cried and explained to him (or I tried, anyway) that while I was severely depressed and even suicidal, I didn't want to die. I know that doesn't make sense but it's how I feel. I want to live. I have plenty to live for! But the living part is just so damned hard when I'm this depressed. We even discussed putting me in a hospital for a while. I'm sure that would go over great at work. Sheah.

I don't understand my brain chemistry. It's so screwed up that I can't even be on TWO anti-depressants and still not get depressed. Lame, lame, lame!

So it's off to therapy I go tomorrow to discuss this depression crap. I'm sure she's going to look at me like I'm crazy (hahaha... no pun intended) when I tell her that I don't have a sound reason for being depressed. I'm worried about being hospitalized again. It's nearly to that point. I don't want to be hospitalized. Been there, done that. Twice. I'm scared either way. If I stay this depressed (or it gets worse) there's a chance that I may decide to take more than just a handful of Xanaflex. It wouldn't be my first OD. I'm a terrible hyper-medicator but I've only seriously OD'd twice in my life. Once on Restoril (a benzo like Xanax). Once on Ultram (pain killer). It takes a lot of pills to kill yourself, fortunately, and I never took quite enough. Just enough to probably fuck up my liver for a while and to make me seriously ill. (Well, with the Restoril I only slept for three or four days.)

I'm trying to talk this out... rationalize it all in my head. I'm trying to keep people that I love and that love me informed of my mood so they know what to watch for. I'm trying not to give in to my urges to self destruct but it's not an easy task. And it's a tough decision to go inpatient. I have work and school and a husband and it's not as easy as it was at @21 to get sent to a hospital for a week or so. There are more serious consequences now. (But what about the consequences of being suicidal?)

I really just don't know what to do.

have you noticed?

I haven't had a single mood swing in about a month. An entire month gone by without a swing feels more like an eternity - that's how bad the swings normally are. It has been spectacular feeling level headed, coming to work every day, feeling like life is actually worth living. It's a great feeling not wondering how many muscle relaxers it might take to kill you. A truly wonderful feeling!

Of course, most of this can be attributed to my medication cocktail. Abilify, Topamax, and Wellbutrin are my good, close friends now. I'd no sooner part with them than part with one of my limbs. Seriously, the cocktail is working that well. It's great to feel like myself again! I've even been able to mostly control my spending habits. [gasp!] That's the most difficult thing to control - on meds or otherwise. I have very poor impulse control but lately I've been able to say no to myself. These are all great things! I can't wait to talk to my therapist. And my pdoc. How happy it must make a doctor to finally find the right combination of medications to stabilize a patient. Anyway, enough rambling about that.

In other news, I have been exercising for two weeks running! Okay, okay, so I didn't exercise last week while I was sick. Sue me. But I exercised this week and before I was sick last week. Go me! I've lost five pounds so far - only 15 to go by surgery day! I'm ready to get this weight off. I can already feel a difference in my "well being" since I started walking. I am very proud of myself for finally getting off my fat, lazy ass! I just hope the pounds start coming off so I stay motivated. I get disheartened when the scale doesn't move. :-/ I've also cut back significantly on what I've been eating. I had a small bowl of oatmeal for breakfast (the high protein, high fiber, no sugar kind) and I started taking Glucomannan as well. Right now I'm having my morning cup of coffee with a little bit of Marshmallow Mocha creamer added to it but not as much as I usually put in it. Just enough to take the bite out of the coffee. For lunch I'm going to go to the grocery store and pick up a Lean Cuisine. I'm not sure what to do about supper. I'll probably skip it and have something small since my Monkey has to work late tonight.

Speaking of The Monkey, he was recently promoted to Manager of his store. This would be exciting except he really didn't want the job. It only pays $0.50 more than what he was getting paid but now he's salaried which means MORE hours but no overtime. Fuckers. He does get bigger bonuses (5% of profit as opposed to 2.5%) and cell phone reimbursement, though. So those little things should help us out a little. I just hate that he's working more hours at a job he can't stand. His brother is looking out for him and hopefully will have him a job in the next couple of months pulling CAT5 cable! Monkey's excited about that. It will be a little bit of a pay cut but Monkey gets a company vehicle (yay!) and, more importantly, HEALTH INSURANCE. Monkey's been uninsured since he started working for TitleMax. Not good but we can't afford to add him to my plan. :-/

So things are things. I wish time would hurry up and pass between now and March 14th! I'm so ready to get my surgery over with. Not to mention I'm ready to see my bestest friend of all my friends!! 31 days left to go. [sigh]

ooh loook! a little plastic castle

There's a song, forever and ever a favorite of mine, that refers to a goldfish's memory (or lack thereof) and how the little plastic castle is a surprise every time. I feel like a goldfish today. I can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. I have this big project looming over me all ominous and threatening like but even that isn't motivation enough to get it done. Oh wells. I'm sure I can finish it Monday (when I'll hopefully be more focused).

I blame myself, of course. I know for sure I forgot to take my meds last night. (The storms and everything threw me off.) And I think I might've forgotten them the night before. Grrr... hiss. I know I'm okay with the anti-depressants because Prozac has a half life of like six days. So I'm good there. But I'm not sure what the half life of Abilify is. Hrmm. Must research. Noted: 75 hours. So I should be okay there too. I guess it's the caffeine that's made me all loopy. Anyways.

Something wonderful happened to me today. My niece SMILED at me for the first time! That gorgeous little baby grin just melted my heart. She did it repeatedly, too, so I know it wasn't a fluke! She's already gotten so big. If I don't see her for a week she's changed so much by the time I see her again. Amazing.

All my TTC stuff is on hold. I'm planning on drinking again this weekend. I figured fuck it, right? What do I have to lose? If I don't live my life now and I still don't have a baby five years down the road I know for sure that I will regret it. I still plan on doing injects and IUI but I'm not going to stress myself out about it anymore. It's just gotten to be such an unhealthy thing to immerse myself in. Instead, I'm focusing on me (and Tony) in the here and NOW. And I feel much, much better! I've also decided that my meds, no matter what unknowns may be, are a must. They have to stay, TTC, pregnant, or not. The risks are too great. I was in such a bad place just a few weeks ago. I can't go to that place while I'm carrying a child - or even now! It's not a fun place to go, I promise. Just so it's made clear, bipolar disorder is a disorder that cannot be fixed or treated (very often) with just therapy. I knew this when I stopped my meds but I wanted to give it a go anyway. It just doesn't work. At least not for me. Bipolar disorder is chemical - my brain (not mind) doesn't work right and when those chemicals go wacky, consequently, so do I. So that's that.

I'm very eager for this day to be OVER so I can go home, finish my homework, and start my freaking weekend!