I'm sitting here timing some contractions. I'm certain they're only Braxton Hicks. They're not what I would describe as painful. Uncomfortable, yes. Weird feeling, definitely. But painful... no. Still, seeing as how I'm only going to be 35 weeks on Saturday I'm a little anxious that they are happening regularly. On one hand I am super excited to meet my precious baby girls! On the other hand... well, I'd rather they keep cooking for a minimum of another week! Preferably two more weeks to hit full term status.
Maybe the "new baby smell" triggered something. :P My nephew's girlfriend had a beautiful baby boy yesterday. It was a rough couple of days for me. My blood was boiling with jealousy. It has been tough sharing a pregnancy with a teenager. Especially after years of infertility. I'm a little jealous that she got to go through a very normal labor. But my irritation level was extremely high the entire night and most of the following day. I went with my sister to visit them late yesterday afternoon and it was amazing how quickly a lot of those emotions melted away. He is just SOOO precious! He looks so much like my nephew it's unreal. He was 8 lbs 4 oz and 21" long. A very healthy big boy!
So now that I've gotten a good whiff of that new baby smell I keep going "Wow... I can't wait to see mine!" I have to keep reminding myself that they are better off staying in the belly for at least another week, though.
Despite all of this... it's still really hard to picture/imagine what it's going to look like. I've only just recently gotten used to being pregnant. Feeling pregnant. Believing that I'm pregnant. The fact that pregnant is going to turn into my having babies is still pretty mind boggling!
So far I've had five Braxton Hicks in the last 40 minutes. And I didn't time the ones I was having before but they were fairly regular from what I can tell.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
viability
24 weeks pregnant today. Officially, the twins are considered viable. And yet, it's all still very surreal.
I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. Pregnancy has been truly wonderful thus far. The movement and kicks I'm getting (more frequently) are amazing. Really and truly. I remember thinking how amazing it was to feel my niece kick from the outside. It's a million times more incredible firsthand. The Monkey has been able to feel them quite a few times. (The kicks are still sometimes not as strong. The babies are still relatively tiny; my placenta is anterior; and, y'know, I'm pudgy.) When they're particularly active (usually sometime in late afternoon) I can sit and watching them poke my belly and just be completely awestruck. This is definitely my favorite part of pregnancy thus far.
Things are going swimmingly. Every two weeks I get checked out by either my OB or my perinatologist and we've had zero bad news. My cervix remains long and closed. Babies are always moving/bouncing around like crazy. Heartbeats are always wonderful. It's incredible how after so long of struggling with loving my body because it could never do anything right. Now it seems to be doing exactly what anyone could want from it. For that, I am thankful.
There are other things going on outside of preggie-ville. The Monkey is "scheduled" to lose his job sometime around June/July. Kind of perfect and crappy timing all at once. The good thing is that he'll be eligible for displaced worker retraining. He's finally going to get to go to college and get his A and P certification and, hopefully, after his schooling he'll be able to land a job pretty quick with one of the many aviation places we have around here. He's wanted to work on (well, actually fly) helicopters/aircraft for as long as he can remember. He moved to Alabama to do just that but things just got in the way. (In his words -- he always either had the time or the money; never both.) With the retraining program, he will get $10k to pay for schooling. There is a big of a money gap after that but we're sure he can fill it with grants (hooray for tax deductions!) and student loans if necessary. The great thing about all of this is that the college courses he took in the mid-90s (hehe... when I was still in middle school [snerk]) will ALL transfer to this new program! So basically he has all of his general ed classes out of the way. I know it's a little crazy to be excited about him losing his job with two babies on the way, but it's definitely a step in the right direction. He'll qualify (and get) unemployment. The only thing we really have to worry about is medical insurance for him as I will have Medicare and the babies will qualify for Medicaid. I'm hoping we can get him insurance using some sort of student program. He doesn't get sick often. And even when he does it usually doesn't require medical attention. Our only worries are kidney stones and his mediccation. (And even the latter is not the bigger of the worry as all of his meds can be prescribed by our family doc and they are all generic and dirt cheap.) In the meantime, we have money saved and we have virtually no bills to worry about.
April is right around the corner. We'll be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary (8 years together!) and getting our 4D ultrasound done as well. And then there will also be my babyshower (!!!) at the end of the month. Everything is happening so quickly.
I can't wait to meet this precious little gifts on the outside. <3
I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. Pregnancy has been truly wonderful thus far. The movement and kicks I'm getting (more frequently) are amazing. Really and truly. I remember thinking how amazing it was to feel my niece kick from the outside. It's a million times more incredible firsthand. The Monkey has been able to feel them quite a few times. (The kicks are still sometimes not as strong. The babies are still relatively tiny; my placenta is anterior; and, y'know, I'm pudgy.) When they're particularly active (usually sometime in late afternoon) I can sit and watching them poke my belly and just be completely awestruck. This is definitely my favorite part of pregnancy thus far.
Things are going swimmingly. Every two weeks I get checked out by either my OB or my perinatologist and we've had zero bad news. My cervix remains long and closed. Babies are always moving/bouncing around like crazy. Heartbeats are always wonderful. It's incredible how after so long of struggling with loving my body because it could never do anything right. Now it seems to be doing exactly what anyone could want from it. For that, I am thankful.
There are other things going on outside of preggie-ville. The Monkey is "scheduled" to lose his job sometime around June/July. Kind of perfect and crappy timing all at once. The good thing is that he'll be eligible for displaced worker retraining. He's finally going to get to go to college and get his A and P certification and, hopefully, after his schooling he'll be able to land a job pretty quick with one of the many aviation places we have around here. He's wanted to work on (well, actually fly) helicopters/aircraft for as long as he can remember. He moved to Alabama to do just that but things just got in the way. (In his words -- he always either had the time or the money; never both.) With the retraining program, he will get $10k to pay for schooling. There is a big of a money gap after that but we're sure he can fill it with grants (hooray for tax deductions!) and student loans if necessary. The great thing about all of this is that the college courses he took in the mid-90s (hehe... when I was still in middle school [snerk]) will ALL transfer to this new program! So basically he has all of his general ed classes out of the way. I know it's a little crazy to be excited about him losing his job with two babies on the way, but it's definitely a step in the right direction. He'll qualify (and get) unemployment. The only thing we really have to worry about is medical insurance for him as I will have Medicare and the babies will qualify for Medicaid. I'm hoping we can get him insurance using some sort of student program. He doesn't get sick often. And even when he does it usually doesn't require medical attention. Our only worries are kidney stones and his mediccation. (And even the latter is not the bigger of the worry as all of his meds can be prescribed by our family doc and they are all generic and dirt cheap.) In the meantime, we have money saved and we have virtually no bills to worry about.
April is right around the corner. We'll be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary (8 years together!) and getting our 4D ultrasound done as well. And then there will also be my babyshower (!!!) at the end of the month. Everything is happening so quickly.
I can't wait to meet this precious little gifts on the outside. <3
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
come on the rising wind*
Our financial stress has gone from about a nine to a two since filing bankruptcy. I'm not happy that I had to do it and I'm certainly not proud but I don't regret it. We have quite a bit coming up. The Monkey went to see a urologist regarding his low testosterone level and he immediately handed him a prescription for testosterone injections. Thankfully I'd done my research and learned that synthetic testosterone injections shut down sperm production and even after asking about an alternate treatment (Clomid, hCG) the urologist insisted that testosterone was the only way to go and that it wouldn't affect our TTC endeavors. Really? Well, we definitely won't be going back to see him that's for sure. I called our RE and they got us in on the 27th of July. I'll be getting my annual exam and bloodwork and all of that fun stuff. The Monkey will be getting some routine bloodwork as well along with a repeat semen analysis done. Sixteen more days to go. Why does it always seem like an eternity?
The first week in August I have to be in court for my bankruptcy hearing. I'm not really concerned about it because, as I said, I don't regret the decision. And The Monkey will be there with me and he's been through this before and assured me there's nothing to be worried about. Then, towards the end of August, I have to be in court again for my SSD hearing. Now that I am nervous about. I don't really know what to expect. I can walk. I can talk. I'm intelligent (or so I'm told). So, yeah, I'm worried. I'm worried the ALJ is going to look at me and snort and then send me packing. The Monkey says we'll appeal again if that happens. I really hope it doesn't.
That's the thing about mental illness. It's not exactly tangible. With a physical disability it's easy for someone to see that something is wrong (although, not in all cases). And although that doesn't necessarily make it easier to get approved for SSD (that's not what I'm saying) it is one less thing you have working against you. And you rarely find people frowning upon those with physical disabilities. I'm not looking for pity (I don't think anyone with a disability is) but it would be nice to get a little understanding. Understanding that I don't want this. I don't. It sucks. To go from one day to the next never knowing what your mood is going to be like. To find yourself curled up in bed, under the covers in a pool of tears and completely unable to explain to your husband why you're depressed. Don't get me started on the guilt that you feel when you watch your 58 year old mother drag herself to work day in and day out while you sit at home on your butt all day. (For the record, that is my insecurities talking. I don't sit on my butt all day. Depressive episodes are harder to manage because I do get very little accomplished. On good days, I keep up with house work, I cook, I tend to the animals, etc.)
I can't think straight.
The first week in August I have to be in court for my bankruptcy hearing. I'm not really concerned about it because, as I said, I don't regret the decision. And The Monkey will be there with me and he's been through this before and assured me there's nothing to be worried about. Then, towards the end of August, I have to be in court again for my SSD hearing. Now that I am nervous about. I don't really know what to expect. I can walk. I can talk. I'm intelligent (or so I'm told). So, yeah, I'm worried. I'm worried the ALJ is going to look at me and snort and then send me packing. The Monkey says we'll appeal again if that happens. I really hope it doesn't.
That's the thing about mental illness. It's not exactly tangible. With a physical disability it's easy for someone to see that something is wrong (although, not in all cases). And although that doesn't necessarily make it easier to get approved for SSD (that's not what I'm saying) it is one less thing you have working against you. And you rarely find people frowning upon those with physical disabilities. I'm not looking for pity (I don't think anyone with a disability is) but it would be nice to get a little understanding. Understanding that I don't want this. I don't. It sucks. To go from one day to the next never knowing what your mood is going to be like. To find yourself curled up in bed, under the covers in a pool of tears and completely unable to explain to your husband why you're depressed. Don't get me started on the guilt that you feel when you watch your 58 year old mother drag herself to work day in and day out while you sit at home on your butt all day. (For the record, that is my insecurities talking. I don't sit on my butt all day. Depressive episodes are harder to manage because I do get very little accomplished. On good days, I keep up with house work, I cook, I tend to the animals, etc.)
I can't think straight.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
more up and down time
Bloggity bloggity bloggity...
It seems since we moved in with my mom I have been more motivated to blog. I don't know if it's that I have more to say or just more time to say it. I just find that I feel like sitting down and putting my words down, I guess.
Tomorrow I have a consult for a bankruptcy with the same attorneys that are dealing with my disability case. I am sincerely hoping that they say the outlook is good. According the bit of research I've done online I can easily file Chapter 7 despite all of the new laws that Bush put into place several years ago. The Monkey and I don't even bring in half of the median income for the state of Alabama. And if Mom's mortgage doesn't get dropped low enough she is definitely going to need help keeping up with her bills. My dad's retirement really isn't very much. And her income is barely enough to cover their furniture bill (which is has to pay because she works there) and the utilities. As much as I feel like an utter failure for filing bankruptcy I honestly feel like it is the best route to go at this point. First of all, it will end all of my frivilous spending on credit. Our monthly bills will literally be cut in half, if not more. I can eliminate all of the medical bills I have floating around out there and we can set up payments on the few that The Monkey has out there so we can get those off of his credit. We're not looking at buying vehicles any time soon. Or any other major credit purchases for that matter. Our living situation is ideal. Neither The Monkey nor I mind living with my mom. She is, honestly, the ideal roommate. She doesn't eat much (gastric bypass), she cooks occasionally, she doesn't make a mess and what mess she does make is easy to pick up, she doesn't complain, she enjoys our company, and she can't wait for us to have a baby. :) My only qualm with her is that she STILL hasn't given up smoking. For those of you that pray, I ask that you pray hard that she gives it up soon. One of my biggest worries is that she will get lung cancer. My aunt passed from lung cancer in 2004 and another one of my aunts is strugggling with it now. I watched my aunt deteriorate so quickly in 2004 and I don't know if I could handle watching my mom go through that. And I really can't imagine not having her around to watch my children grow up. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. She gave up drinking and recreational drugs (marijuana) the day my dad was arrested but she is having serious problems giving up cigarettes. All the guilt trips in the world from my sister and me have ZERO effect. [sigh]
Today is going to prove to be a rather boring Wednesday. I did several loads of laundry yesterday and they all need to be folded, hung, and put away. Baskets upon baskets. After the day I spent organizing my mom's closets and drawers, I refuse to let it get out of hand. However, I woke up with a nasty sort of headache and I'm waiting for my medicine to kick in before I get started on any sort of strenuous chores. I'm also planning to tackle the kitchen floor (which is really kind of gross) since I finally got my electric sweeper vac from my sister's house along with the bathroom floors and toilets. (I did the bathtubs the other day.) Since I finally got my new litter scooper yesterday I won't mind scooping the litter boxes (all four of them) today as well. Most everything else is done. We cooked braised barbecue ribs, baked potatoes, corn on the cob, and Ceasar salad for supper last night and there are enough leftovers for this evening so I won't have to worry about cooking tonight.
Tonight I take my last active birth control pill. I don't have anymore refills but I do have a spare pack left. My plan is to go buy a new BBT this weekend (both of mine died after two years of gathering dust). I was also looking at buying some cheapie OPKs on eBay. I am going to monitor this next cycle or two off birth control and see how things pan out. I have a bottle of D-Chiro-Inositol that I didn't take and I am going to take that as well. Hopefully the 45 pounds I've lost in the past year and a half plus the eight months of birth control have done my body a little bit of good. Maybe I'll ovulate, maybe I won't. But I figure it won't hurt to see where my body is at. I'm trying not to let the burn of baby fever get to me. After all, it never happened naturally before, I shouldn't allow myself to get all hopeful that it will happen naturally now. I have looked up pricing for injectables and things. They are covered under our prescription insurance, thank the Lord, but they are not as cheap as my previous insurance. But, like I said, thank the Lord that they are covered. I know that is more than many have and I am grateful. Because $80 for a cycle's worth of Follistim is a heck of a lot better than $2,500. But paying for injectables is not my biggest worry. In two years, I had two laparoscopies to remove polyps from my uterus. The second lap found Stage II endo as well. My previous insurance had excellent coverage for outpatient surgery -- $150 copay; everything all inclusive. Our new coverage is different. Instead of a set copay, they cover a percentage. 90% if I remember right. And, again, if I remember right, my laps cost somewhere in the realm of $25k. 10% of $25,000 is $2,500. Which is a far cry from the $150 we paid before. :-/ Perhaps I'll get lucky and not need another lap. But I'm not very optimistic.
I'd better lie down now and let the Midrin work its magic so I can get started on my housework. Being a house elf isn't half bad. :) I look forward to the day when I have a baby to look after as well as a husband, Mom, five cats, and a dog. Life will be a little more complete, I think. But for now, things feel a bit more right than they did living in a garage. I am most definitely appreciative for central air conditioning. OH YES.
It seems since we moved in with my mom I have been more motivated to blog. I don't know if it's that I have more to say or just more time to say it. I just find that I feel like sitting down and putting my words down, I guess.
Tomorrow I have a consult for a bankruptcy with the same attorneys that are dealing with my disability case. I am sincerely hoping that they say the outlook is good. According the bit of research I've done online I can easily file Chapter 7 despite all of the new laws that Bush put into place several years ago. The Monkey and I don't even bring in half of the median income for the state of Alabama. And if Mom's mortgage doesn't get dropped low enough she is definitely going to need help keeping up with her bills. My dad's retirement really isn't very much. And her income is barely enough to cover their furniture bill (which is has to pay because she works there) and the utilities. As much as I feel like an utter failure for filing bankruptcy I honestly feel like it is the best route to go at this point. First of all, it will end all of my frivilous spending on credit. Our monthly bills will literally be cut in half, if not more. I can eliminate all of the medical bills I have floating around out there and we can set up payments on the few that The Monkey has out there so we can get those off of his credit. We're not looking at buying vehicles any time soon. Or any other major credit purchases for that matter. Our living situation is ideal. Neither The Monkey nor I mind living with my mom. She is, honestly, the ideal roommate. She doesn't eat much (gastric bypass), she cooks occasionally, she doesn't make a mess and what mess she does make is easy to pick up, she doesn't complain, she enjoys our company, and she can't wait for us to have a baby. :) My only qualm with her is that she STILL hasn't given up smoking. For those of you that pray, I ask that you pray hard that she gives it up soon. One of my biggest worries is that she will get lung cancer. My aunt passed from lung cancer in 2004 and another one of my aunts is strugggling with it now. I watched my aunt deteriorate so quickly in 2004 and I don't know if I could handle watching my mom go through that. And I really can't imagine not having her around to watch my children grow up. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. She gave up drinking and recreational drugs (marijuana) the day my dad was arrested but she is having serious problems giving up cigarettes. All the guilt trips in the world from my sister and me have ZERO effect. [sigh]
Today is going to prove to be a rather boring Wednesday. I did several loads of laundry yesterday and they all need to be folded, hung, and put away. Baskets upon baskets. After the day I spent organizing my mom's closets and drawers, I refuse to let it get out of hand. However, I woke up with a nasty sort of headache and I'm waiting for my medicine to kick in before I get started on any sort of strenuous chores. I'm also planning to tackle the kitchen floor (which is really kind of gross) since I finally got my electric sweeper vac from my sister's house along with the bathroom floors and toilets. (I did the bathtubs the other day.) Since I finally got my new litter scooper yesterday I won't mind scooping the litter boxes (all four of them) today as well. Most everything else is done. We cooked braised barbecue ribs, baked potatoes, corn on the cob, and Ceasar salad for supper last night and there are enough leftovers for this evening so I won't have to worry about cooking tonight.
Tonight I take my last active birth control pill. I don't have anymore refills but I do have a spare pack left. My plan is to go buy a new BBT this weekend (both of mine died after two years of gathering dust). I was also looking at buying some cheapie OPKs on eBay. I am going to monitor this next cycle or two off birth control and see how things pan out. I have a bottle of D-Chiro-Inositol that I didn't take and I am going to take that as well. Hopefully the 45 pounds I've lost in the past year and a half plus the eight months of birth control have done my body a little bit of good. Maybe I'll ovulate, maybe I won't. But I figure it won't hurt to see where my body is at. I'm trying not to let the burn of baby fever get to me. After all, it never happened naturally before, I shouldn't allow myself to get all hopeful that it will happen naturally now. I have looked up pricing for injectables and things. They are covered under our prescription insurance, thank the Lord, but they are not as cheap as my previous insurance. But, like I said, thank the Lord that they are covered. I know that is more than many have and I am grateful. Because $80 for a cycle's worth of Follistim is a heck of a lot better than $2,500. But paying for injectables is not my biggest worry. In two years, I had two laparoscopies to remove polyps from my uterus. The second lap found Stage II endo as well. My previous insurance had excellent coverage for outpatient surgery -- $150 copay; everything all inclusive. Our new coverage is different. Instead of a set copay, they cover a percentage. 90% if I remember right. And, again, if I remember right, my laps cost somewhere in the realm of $25k. 10% of $25,000 is $2,500. Which is a far cry from the $150 we paid before. :-/ Perhaps I'll get lucky and not need another lap. But I'm not very optimistic.
I'd better lie down now and let the Midrin work its magic so I can get started on my housework. Being a house elf isn't half bad. :) I look forward to the day when I have a baby to look after as well as a husband, Mom, five cats, and a dog. Life will be a little more complete, I think. But for now, things feel a bit more right than they did living in a garage. I am most definitely appreciative for central air conditioning. OH YES.
Monday, May 24, 2010
adjustments
The adjustment period of moving into my mom's has been relatively easy. in fact, I don't really feel like there's been much of an adjustment at all. After the initial shock of having to move and all the change, I think maybe the fit is just right. I miss the kids but at the same time I don't miss being around 24/7. One of the luxaries of being an aunt is being able to enjoy your nieces and nephews without feeling too much like a parent. The past two years have not been like that. The Monkey and I have been more like second parents than an aunt and uncle. We shared in the responsibility of doling out discipline, helping with school work, and plenty of other parenting duties. It's not that either of us minded, but it really affected the dynamics of our relationship with the kids. I want that to change. I don't want them to look at us so much as second parents anymore. I want to be Auntie Lissa and Uncle Monkey again. And while I don't want them to lose respect for us or think that we won't discipline them if we need to, I want them to think of us more as the ones they come see when they want to be... you know, spoiled.
You'd think with my BIL having gotten his way his attitude would have changed a bit. Yeah, not a chance. This weekend we rented a U-Haul to move our stuff into a different storage unit and get the majority of our things out of Michele's. The Monkey's brother came over and helped and we knocked it out in like three hours. While we were at Michele's, The Monkey and and his brother pretty much had to tackle all the big stuff by themselves. So rather than sit out in the heat, I retreated into the house to talk to my sister and meet my nephew's new (tattooed and pierced!) GF. It was crazy hot on Saturday. Even though we got started early, it was already well into the upper 80s by the time we got to my sister's. So when I went into the house I went into the kitchen cabinet and got a cup and helped myself to some icewater from the fridge. Whoever had ice before me had put it on crushed. I don't care for crushed ice so I switched it to cubes. Still, when I pushed the lever, the fridge spewed out some crushed ice first. Some missed my cup and a few bits landed on the floor. Oops. I picked up the bigger pieces but I wasn't overly concerned about hunting down ice on the linoleum kitchen floor. I mean, really. If I'd spilled Kool-Aid or iced tea or soda or even a large amount of water I would have mopped it up diligently, but a few pieces of crushed ice? Give me a break. I went to the living room and sat down to talk to my sister and my nephew. While my sister was engaged in a conversation with Becca, my nephew's girlfriend, I hear my BIL in the other room make some off-hand remark about "damn ice on the floor" in the kitchen. Oh. My. Freaking. God. Are you serious? Like this doesn't happen a zillion times a day with the kids! Mostly I thought it was funny because I knew he was trying to get to me. But here's the thing. He can pick at me all he wants. He can try to make me grovel at his feet for "all he did for me" until the day he dies. Until he acknowledges that HE benefited from The Monkey and me living there as much as we benefited from living there I have no reason to thank him. I have given thanks where thanks is due and that is to my sister. He is not going to stop me from coming around to see her or the kids. I don't give a damn what he does. I still have a key to the house because my sister told me to keep it. I will not relinquish it until she asks me to and he will not make me feel bad about using it whenever I damn well feel like it. I have a good mind to remind him off all the hell he put her and his children through over the past two years. I can't imagine what it would have been like for them had The Monkey and I not been there. All those nights my sister sat up and cried. The nights the kids came running to the garage during their screaming fights. So, whatever. I told my sister that she and those kids are HALF MINE too and he's just going to have to get used to it. And that's that.
In spite of everything, I really like being here at my mom's. It feels so much more permanent. So much more like home. I spent all day Friday hanging and rearranging and organizing all of my mom's clothes. This may sound like an easy task but the woman has more clothes than you can imagine. Enough that she fills FOUR closets. And this is after downsizing. Um, that's not including dressers. Or other folded clothes. Like t-shirts, tank tops, sweaters, and jeans. What can I say, the woman likes her variety. Aside from the throbbing pain I had in my neck afterwards, I mostly enjoyed myself. When my mom got home from work, she literally started crying. She's so adorable. I really don't think she ever thought it would get finishd. I kept telling her it would! I try to keep myself busy because the house is so quiet and empty during the day and that gets pretty lonely. Well, it's empty except for the five cats and the dog. That's pretty exciting. Which is kind of silly because we had five cats and a dog at Michele's. But our cats were trapped inside a box. Now all of our animals are together. We have four girls and two boys. The Chihuahua, Frankie, is my little side kick. He pretty much follows me around all day long. We're working on getting him fully house trained which is a bit of a pain. Little dog, little brain and all that. Most days he does pretty well; especially when I take him out regularly. I bought him a leash and harness to take him on walks but the little spaz reacted badly to being on a leash. (He basically freaked out and cowered and refused to move.) So there goes that idea. The cats are pretty hilarious. My boy (whose official name is William but answers to Fat Cat, Fat Boy, and Little Kitty) thinks he's a pimp. He's taken to chasing all four girls around the house at random which really pisses them off. Especially my mom's two, Muffin and Cupcake. Olivia is really happy. I honestly think she was starting to get cabin fever. She was starting to act really strange at Michele's. Jasmine has taken up residence in my mom's room. Which has also pissed my mom's cats off because that was their spot. There's something really endearing about waking up at 2:30 in the morning (which I've been sadly doing quite a lot) and finding a different sleeping cat on each of the sofas.
I have three active pills left in my pack of birth control. I'm considering going out on payday to buy a new basal body thermometer and starting up charting again. I need to start my essay for the IVF sponsorship or at least start jotting down my ideas. I'm going to need to schedule bloodwork and my yearly with my RE soon. I'm pretty sure I need a new prescription for my Synthroid. And I suppose we can talk about getting back on the TTC rollercoaster. I'm looking at starting off very slow. I think I just want to chart for now. Maybe see if my cycles are even remotely regular and if I'm ovulating on my own at all. That's probably the logical first step anyhow even though this raging case of baby fever I have wants me to being doing an IUI cycle yesterday. Must focus on more important things. Must focus on The Monkey's health. Must focus on losing some more weight (198 as of today, by the way). Must do what is necessary to better our financial situation (which is looking more and more like my filing bankruptcy). But, in the meantime, it will at least be nice to get out of this incredibly long holding pattern.
So it goes, so it goes.
You'd think with my BIL having gotten his way his attitude would have changed a bit. Yeah, not a chance. This weekend we rented a U-Haul to move our stuff into a different storage unit and get the majority of our things out of Michele's. The Monkey's brother came over and helped and we knocked it out in like three hours. While we were at Michele's, The Monkey and and his brother pretty much had to tackle all the big stuff by themselves. So rather than sit out in the heat, I retreated into the house to talk to my sister and meet my nephew's new (tattooed and pierced!) GF. It was crazy hot on Saturday. Even though we got started early, it was already well into the upper 80s by the time we got to my sister's. So when I went into the house I went into the kitchen cabinet and got a cup and helped myself to some icewater from the fridge. Whoever had ice before me had put it on crushed. I don't care for crushed ice so I switched it to cubes. Still, when I pushed the lever, the fridge spewed out some crushed ice first. Some missed my cup and a few bits landed on the floor. Oops. I picked up the bigger pieces but I wasn't overly concerned about hunting down ice on the linoleum kitchen floor. I mean, really. If I'd spilled Kool-Aid or iced tea or soda or even a large amount of water I would have mopped it up diligently, but a few pieces of crushed ice? Give me a break. I went to the living room and sat down to talk to my sister and my nephew. While my sister was engaged in a conversation with Becca, my nephew's girlfriend, I hear my BIL in the other room make some off-hand remark about "damn ice on the floor" in the kitchen. Oh. My. Freaking. God. Are you serious? Like this doesn't happen a zillion times a day with the kids! Mostly I thought it was funny because I knew he was trying to get to me. But here's the thing. He can pick at me all he wants. He can try to make me grovel at his feet for "all he did for me" until the day he dies. Until he acknowledges that HE benefited from The Monkey and me living there as much as we benefited from living there I have no reason to thank him. I have given thanks where thanks is due and that is to my sister. He is not going to stop me from coming around to see her or the kids. I don't give a damn what he does. I still have a key to the house because my sister told me to keep it. I will not relinquish it until she asks me to and he will not make me feel bad about using it whenever I damn well feel like it. I have a good mind to remind him off all the hell he put her and his children through over the past two years. I can't imagine what it would have been like for them had The Monkey and I not been there. All those nights my sister sat up and cried. The nights the kids came running to the garage during their screaming fights. So, whatever. I told my sister that she and those kids are HALF MINE too and he's just going to have to get used to it. And that's that.
In spite of everything, I really like being here at my mom's. It feels so much more permanent. So much more like home. I spent all day Friday hanging and rearranging and organizing all of my mom's clothes. This may sound like an easy task but the woman has more clothes than you can imagine. Enough that she fills FOUR closets. And this is after downsizing. Um, that's not including dressers. Or other folded clothes. Like t-shirts, tank tops, sweaters, and jeans. What can I say, the woman likes her variety. Aside from the throbbing pain I had in my neck afterwards, I mostly enjoyed myself. When my mom got home from work, she literally started crying. She's so adorable. I really don't think she ever thought it would get finishd. I kept telling her it would! I try to keep myself busy because the house is so quiet and empty during the day and that gets pretty lonely. Well, it's empty except for the five cats and the dog. That's pretty exciting. Which is kind of silly because we had five cats and a dog at Michele's. But our cats were trapped inside a box. Now all of our animals are together. We have four girls and two boys. The Chihuahua, Frankie, is my little side kick. He pretty much follows me around all day long. We're working on getting him fully house trained which is a bit of a pain. Little dog, little brain and all that. Most days he does pretty well; especially when I take him out regularly. I bought him a leash and harness to take him on walks but the little spaz reacted badly to being on a leash. (He basically freaked out and cowered and refused to move.) So there goes that idea. The cats are pretty hilarious. My boy (whose official name is William but answers to Fat Cat, Fat Boy, and Little Kitty) thinks he's a pimp. He's taken to chasing all four girls around the house at random which really pisses them off. Especially my mom's two, Muffin and Cupcake. Olivia is really happy. I honestly think she was starting to get cabin fever. She was starting to act really strange at Michele's. Jasmine has taken up residence in my mom's room. Which has also pissed my mom's cats off because that was their spot. There's something really endearing about waking up at 2:30 in the morning (which I've been sadly doing quite a lot) and finding a different sleeping cat on each of the sofas.
I have three active pills left in my pack of birth control. I'm considering going out on payday to buy a new basal body thermometer and starting up charting again. I need to start my essay for the IVF sponsorship or at least start jotting down my ideas. I'm going to need to schedule bloodwork and my yearly with my RE soon. I'm pretty sure I need a new prescription for my Synthroid. And I suppose we can talk about getting back on the TTC rollercoaster. I'm looking at starting off very slow. I think I just want to chart for now. Maybe see if my cycles are even remotely regular and if I'm ovulating on my own at all. That's probably the logical first step anyhow even though this raging case of baby fever I have wants me to being doing an IUI cycle yesterday. Must focus on more important things. Must focus on The Monkey's health. Must focus on losing some more weight (198 as of today, by the way). Must do what is necessary to better our financial situation (which is looking more and more like my filing bankruptcy). But, in the meantime, it will at least be nice to get out of this incredibly long holding pattern.
So it goes, so it goes.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
ch-ch-changes
One can only assume it was a matter of time before we wore out our welcome here, right? I mean we've been staying at my sister's for going on two years and that's a long time to live with someone. It's definitely more than I can expect. More than anyone can expect, I guess.
Things have been going downhill for a while. I'm not sure exactly why. My sister has always been clear that she is fine with us being here. She enjoys our company (and I think a part of her enjoys having a 'buffer' between her and her husband). But her husband feels otherwise and I guess that's fine. The whole mess started out over money. I'm a little irritated that he's taking things out on us that aren't our fault. (Like the fact that the boat he and my dad went in on together is now in default because my dad is in jail. Or that he didn't account for things coming out of his retirement like, oh say health and dental insurance. Or that he didn't listen to me when I tried to tell him how SSD really worked. And now he's getting no where even close to the income he thought he was going to be getting now that he's out of the military. So all of a sudden The Monkey and I should start paying half of the $400 electric bill? And help with other utilities? And prepare meals several times a week? And I should talk about filing bankruptcy since I clearly can barely afford to keep up with my credit card payments.) But all of this would be water under the bridge if it weren't for the conniving way he went about "asking" us to leave. Because he didn't. He picked an argument with my sister and gave her an ultimatum -- tell them to leave or I'm leaving. What kind of husband does that??
So, we've been tossing around the idea with moving in with my mom. We can't afford a place of our own until my disability kicks in and that could be several months from now still. (Have I mentioned lately how incredibly tiring this process is??) We hadn't gone forward with it because we were mostly worried about my sister's feelings. She'd already mentioned that she didn't want us to move out. And it went from that from that to this overnight.
So I guess we'll be spending the next week or two getting things organized and moved into storage. We won't need a lot of the things we have here. Our TV and dressers can go into storage as can most of our furniture. We mostly just need our clothes and essentials. There's a big part of me that's utterly relieved. No more worrying about creepy crawlies and sweating to death in the summer time. The Monkey and I can finally look at getting back on track with eating properly. My cats will finally have room to run around. Olivia has really been acting strange lately. Almost like she has cabin fever (if it's possible for an animal to get such). It's certainly going to be an interesting adjustment, though. Our three cats, my mom's two cats, and her chihuahua. Wow. We're definitely going to need a couple more litter boxes.
With this has come all sorts of new questions. My mom keeps telling me that I should stop my BCPs and we should start TTC again. (FYI - this living situation could be semi-permanent. Once my dad gets sentenced, he's likely to get prison time from anywhere from 10 - 15 years; if not longer. My mom has the room and she's not bad company or hard to get along with.) I've already told her that we are not going to be ready for that right away. (I will admit that it's totally tempting; but we're not in financial shape right now to TTC much less support a child. But it is nice knowing that maybe we can start some sort of "countdown" to trying again. Perhaps a 2011 or 2012 baby is on the horizon?)
In the meantime, I have surrendered my credit cards to The Monkey. I am going to start with my lowest balance card and start hacking away at balances the best I can. It's not going to be easy and it's definitely not going to be quick but it has to be done. With any luck we'll have a couple paid off by the end of the year and we can use our tax return to pay off one or two more.
Change. fdsjkf;sjdk
Things have been going downhill for a while. I'm not sure exactly why. My sister has always been clear that she is fine with us being here. She enjoys our company (and I think a part of her enjoys having a 'buffer' between her and her husband). But her husband feels otherwise and I guess that's fine. The whole mess started out over money. I'm a little irritated that he's taking things out on us that aren't our fault. (Like the fact that the boat he and my dad went in on together is now in default because my dad is in jail. Or that he didn't account for things coming out of his retirement like, oh say health and dental insurance. Or that he didn't listen to me when I tried to tell him how SSD really worked. And now he's getting no where even close to the income he thought he was going to be getting now that he's out of the military. So all of a sudden The Monkey and I should start paying half of the $400 electric bill? And help with other utilities? And prepare meals several times a week? And I should talk about filing bankruptcy since I clearly can barely afford to keep up with my credit card payments.) But all of this would be water under the bridge if it weren't for the conniving way he went about "asking" us to leave. Because he didn't. He picked an argument with my sister and gave her an ultimatum -- tell them to leave or I'm leaving. What kind of husband does that??
So, we've been tossing around the idea with moving in with my mom. We can't afford a place of our own until my disability kicks in and that could be several months from now still. (Have I mentioned lately how incredibly tiring this process is??) We hadn't gone forward with it because we were mostly worried about my sister's feelings. She'd already mentioned that she didn't want us to move out. And it went from that from that to this overnight.
So I guess we'll be spending the next week or two getting things organized and moved into storage. We won't need a lot of the things we have here. Our TV and dressers can go into storage as can most of our furniture. We mostly just need our clothes and essentials. There's a big part of me that's utterly relieved. No more worrying about creepy crawlies and sweating to death in the summer time. The Monkey and I can finally look at getting back on track with eating properly. My cats will finally have room to run around. Olivia has really been acting strange lately. Almost like she has cabin fever (if it's possible for an animal to get such). It's certainly going to be an interesting adjustment, though. Our three cats, my mom's two cats, and her chihuahua. Wow. We're definitely going to need a couple more litter boxes.
With this has come all sorts of new questions. My mom keeps telling me that I should stop my BCPs and we should start TTC again. (FYI - this living situation could be semi-permanent. Once my dad gets sentenced, he's likely to get prison time from anywhere from 10 - 15 years; if not longer. My mom has the room and she's not bad company or hard to get along with.) I've already told her that we are not going to be ready for that right away. (I will admit that it's totally tempting; but we're not in financial shape right now to TTC much less support a child. But it is nice knowing that maybe we can start some sort of "countdown" to trying again. Perhaps a 2011 or 2012 baby is on the horizon?)
In the meantime, I have surrendered my credit cards to The Monkey. I am going to start with my lowest balance card and start hacking away at balances the best I can. It's not going to be easy and it's definitely not going to be quick but it has to be done. With any luck we'll have a couple paid off by the end of the year and we can use our tax return to pay off one or two more.
Change. fdsjkf;sjdk
Saturday, February 27, 2010
another week (and another MONTH even)
Things kind of feel like they are in slow motion. Or something to that effect. It's hard to believe it's only been a week. Everything has changed; life is completely different from last week. I'm trying not to dwell on it because it makes me nauseated when I do.
My emotions are all over the place. But my mood, surprisingly enough, is mostly stable. I'm back in therapy for the umpteenth time in my life to try to sort through this new madness and truly process my past. Maybe then I'll be able to focus more on the future. I don't know.
In light of all this madness I've been considering going out to California to visit my BFF for a few weeks. But I haven't decided for sure yet. I just bought a new laptop (after much persuasion from The Monkey). Then I had to buy a new wireless router because our current one wasn't able to handle the new work load (three laptops, X-Box Live, and two desktops all working off of the same connection). My last splurge was really unintentional but it was just an opportunity that was too good to pass up. With all that has happened we are moving my mom over to our wireless plan. There's no sense in her paying $80.00 a month for a cell phone she hardly uses. (In retrospect, there's no real reason for her to be without one, either.) The ideal solution was to add her onto our account since it would only be, at most, $10 more a month on our bill. But then VZW said we couldn't add a new line without changing (read: upgrading) our current plan since it was outdated. And since we were going to be forced to do it anyway I went ahead and upgraded our phones as well. We'll both have Motorola DROIDs tomorrow. Yes, I am excited. (They were buy one get one free. And as a VZW employee, The Monkey only has to agree to a one year contract versus two. BUT we get the two year contract price on phones. And we get that privelege every ten months. Sweet.)
And now it's time for me to lie down. I am taking Mom to the social security office tomorrow morning. And then I have another therapy session at noon. I'm really enjoying all of the extra time I've been spending with my mom. I can't remember ever getting to sit around and just talk to her. Especially while she's sober. :P She's a good person, with a good heart that has been dealt a crappy hand. But she is just the type of woman that will pick up and go on and amaze the hell out of all those around her.
My BFF is trying to help me, too. She told me to start writing stuff down. I haven't written (in a paper journal) in years. I'm also going to start working more on some holistic treatments for bipolar. (This involves learning triggers and how to avoid them and what to do if I can't avoid them... etc etc.)
In spite of everything, I am still pretty confident that 2010 is going to be a good year.
My emotions are all over the place. But my mood, surprisingly enough, is mostly stable. I'm back in therapy for the umpteenth time in my life to try to sort through this new madness and truly process my past. Maybe then I'll be able to focus more on the future. I don't know.
In light of all this madness I've been considering going out to California to visit my BFF for a few weeks. But I haven't decided for sure yet. I just bought a new laptop (after much persuasion from The Monkey). Then I had to buy a new wireless router because our current one wasn't able to handle the new work load (three laptops, X-Box Live, and two desktops all working off of the same connection). My last splurge was really unintentional but it was just an opportunity that was too good to pass up. With all that has happened we are moving my mom over to our wireless plan. There's no sense in her paying $80.00 a month for a cell phone she hardly uses. (In retrospect, there's no real reason for her to be without one, either.) The ideal solution was to add her onto our account since it would only be, at most, $10 more a month on our bill. But then VZW said we couldn't add a new line without changing (read: upgrading) our current plan since it was outdated. And since we were going to be forced to do it anyway I went ahead and upgraded our phones as well. We'll both have Motorola DROIDs tomorrow. Yes, I am excited. (They were buy one get one free. And as a VZW employee, The Monkey only has to agree to a one year contract versus two. BUT we get the two year contract price on phones. And we get that privelege every ten months. Sweet.)
And now it's time for me to lie down. I am taking Mom to the social security office tomorrow morning. And then I have another therapy session at noon. I'm really enjoying all of the extra time I've been spending with my mom. I can't remember ever getting to sit around and just talk to her. Especially while she's sober. :P She's a good person, with a good heart that has been dealt a crappy hand. But she is just the type of woman that will pick up and go on and amaze the hell out of all those around her.
My BFF is trying to help me, too. She told me to start writing stuff down. I haven't written (in a paper journal) in years. I'm also going to start working more on some holistic treatments for bipolar. (This involves learning triggers and how to avoid them and what to do if I can't avoid them... etc etc.)
In spite of everything, I am still pretty confident that 2010 is going to be a good year.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
new year, yada yada
The holidays commenced with mostly a minimal amount of madness this year. Christmas was a bit of a let down. Even though I thought that I'd mentally prepared myself to spend the holiday just The Monkey and me, it turned out to be very difficult. I spent a good deal of Christmas Eve night and Christmas day crying. Er...sobbing. Boo hoo. I don't think it would've been quite so depressing if The Monkey hadn't had a sudden recurrance of his sciatica. It was so bad that he was incapacitated. Eventually I convinced him (and myself) that he needed medical attention. We drove out to the medical center (which is about 45 minutes away) to the ER. We chose to do this instead of going to our local hospital because we know the type of ER care our hospital gives and it's NOT what we were looking for. As it turned out, however, we wasted the extra money in gas because the medical center was just as bad! If not worse. The on call doctor refused to call the on call MRI staff (seeing as how it was Christmas and all) and sent The Monkey home with NO medication. He got three shots in the butt before he left: a steroid, a pain killer, and a muscle relaxer. But that wasn't after the on call ER doc practically drilled him about his prescription drug use. (She was very accusatory with her line of questioning asking him how often our GP prescribes him Lortab for pain; how often he takes it... blah blah blah.) The Monkey was being very polite until I jumped in and told her very sternly that the prescription he was currently taking for pain was nearly a year old and that he almost NEVER takes pain killers if he can help it. It would be one thing if he even looked a little like he was faking it. But, I'm sorry, you can NOT "fake" a significant rise in BP (like 20+ points) or a crazy fast heart rate. He was in a LOT of pain! At any rate, the medication they gave him either did him some good or the rest and massages and stretching we did at home did him some good. Either way, on the 26th he was completely mobile again. He isn't in pain anymore, so to speak. His back no longer hurts and neither does his butt or his leg; but his calf and parts of his right foot are tingly/numb. We know it's a low back nerve issue. We are working on getting him setup for an MRI.
So, yeah, Christmas pretty much sucked. But it's just another day on the calendar, right? I certainly can't let one day (regardless of it's cultural or religious significance) ruin an entire year. 2009 certainly wasn't, by any means, a horrible year. It was full of some ups and downs (what year isn't??) but over all, I think it was pretty darn good.
2009 certainly ended well. The Monkey, as I said before, went from being incapacitated by pain on Christmas to being almost completely normal for New Year's Eve. My sister and family came home from their vacation early so they were all here for New Year's Eve as well. I have to say I was quite happy that they cut their vacation short. As selfish as that may sound! At any rate, we hung out over at my mom and dad's for th evening. We'd brought our X-Box and stuff over their house for Christmas Eve but didn't get to play it because we wound up staying at home. But we did play it on New Year's Eve and it was a lot of fun. I had a few Mike's Spiced Apple (YUM!!) and a couple of weak rum and Cokes. I can't really drink much alcohol these days. Not only do I not drink often so I've become quite the lightweight. Not to mention several of my daily medications interact with alcohol (read: I get drunker WAY faster) so just a few drinks does me in pretty quick. Which is actually kind of nice. I'm definitely a cheap bar date! Anyhow, we rang in the New Year playing pool and having a good time. We left shortly after midnight and came home to sleep.
Speaking of SLEEP... the most exciting part of 2009 happened on New Year's Eve. The Monkey and I actually slept together in the same bed all night!! We haven't slept in the same bed for three years because his snoring was just that bad. I finally bit the bullet and jumped through a dozen hoops to get him set up with a CPAP machine. The first night was horrific because his pressure setting was WAY too low and he felt like he was suffocating. But now that we have that fixed I don't even have to fight with him to put the darn thing on! We woke up early this weekend for our usual routine of cuddling and early morning nookie. Afterwards I fell back asleep. And he did as well. Imagine my surprise when I woke up and saw that he'd put his mask back on to do so! He can certainly tell the difference in how he feels. And WOW... so can I! He already has much more energy. He's been sitting down to play video games (both WoW and X-Box) without falling asleep during. I took more naps this weekend than he did! It has been absolutely incredible and I only wish we'd known years ago how good one of these machines would be for him! I have a feeling that he'll start losing weight easier now that his body is getting recouperative rest. We are both looking forward to being healthier and happier in 2010; even moreso than we were in 2009. (In fact, I've set my sights on a NEW weight loss goal. I lost a total of 33 pounds in 2009 -- about seven pounds short of my goal. My new goal for 2010 is to lose at least another 30. Definitely more if I can manage!)
So alls well that ends well. Now I'm going to go crawl into bed with my husband and go to sleep.
So, yeah, Christmas pretty much sucked. But it's just another day on the calendar, right? I certainly can't let one day (regardless of it's cultural or religious significance) ruin an entire year. 2009 certainly wasn't, by any means, a horrible year. It was full of some ups and downs (what year isn't??) but over all, I think it was pretty darn good.
2009 certainly ended well. The Monkey, as I said before, went from being incapacitated by pain on Christmas to being almost completely normal for New Year's Eve. My sister and family came home from their vacation early so they were all here for New Year's Eve as well. I have to say I was quite happy that they cut their vacation short. As selfish as that may sound! At any rate, we hung out over at my mom and dad's for th evening. We'd brought our X-Box and stuff over their house for Christmas Eve but didn't get to play it because we wound up staying at home. But we did play it on New Year's Eve and it was a lot of fun. I had a few Mike's Spiced Apple (YUM!!) and a couple of weak rum and Cokes. I can't really drink much alcohol these days. Not only do I not drink often so I've become quite the lightweight. Not to mention several of my daily medications interact with alcohol (read: I get drunker WAY faster) so just a few drinks does me in pretty quick. Which is actually kind of nice. I'm definitely a cheap bar date! Anyhow, we rang in the New Year playing pool and having a good time. We left shortly after midnight and came home to sleep.
Speaking of SLEEP... the most exciting part of 2009 happened on New Year's Eve. The Monkey and I actually slept together in the same bed all night!! We haven't slept in the same bed for three years because his snoring was just that bad. I finally bit the bullet and jumped through a dozen hoops to get him set up with a CPAP machine. The first night was horrific because his pressure setting was WAY too low and he felt like he was suffocating. But now that we have that fixed I don't even have to fight with him to put the darn thing on! We woke up early this weekend for our usual routine of cuddling and early morning nookie. Afterwards I fell back asleep. And he did as well. Imagine my surprise when I woke up and saw that he'd put his mask back on to do so! He can certainly tell the difference in how he feels. And WOW... so can I! He already has much more energy. He's been sitting down to play video games (both WoW and X-Box) without falling asleep during. I took more naps this weekend than he did! It has been absolutely incredible and I only wish we'd known years ago how good one of these machines would be for him! I have a feeling that he'll start losing weight easier now that his body is getting recouperative rest. We are both looking forward to being healthier and happier in 2010; even moreso than we were in 2009. (In fact, I've set my sights on a NEW weight loss goal. I lost a total of 33 pounds in 2009 -- about seven pounds short of my goal. My new goal for 2010 is to lose at least another 30. Definitely more if I can manage!)
So alls well that ends well. Now I'm going to go crawl into bed with my husband and go to sleep.
Friday, November 20, 2009
do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around...
I started this really inspired entry a couple of weeks ago about the month of November. It was really heart felt. And did I mention inspired? Sadly my inspiration comes in spurts and I wasn't able to finish before I'd gotten side tracked. And I can't remember what I was going to say anyway.
November is an ideal month. Because it has a bonafide holiday for which all of my family members have a paid day off. There is plenty of holiday cooking and cheer but no stress over buying gifts and things like that. Of course, up until this Thanksgiving, The Monkey and I had never been quite so broke. (Financially, I mean. As a married couple we are a well oiled machine most days.) It is rough having to be tight fisted. Not being able to go out and buy stuff on a whim. Or, more accurately, in a manic frenzy. I don't even have credit cards to fuel that anymore. Which is probably a good thing.
Speaking of mania that's exactly what I was when I went to see my new pdoc yesterday. Utterly and completely manic. The drive to D-Town was fascinating (and the drive home even moreso... did you know that long strings of headlights in the dark look a lot like Christmas lights??). I was already positively giddy when I bounded into Starbucks and ordered my Caramel Brulee Latte. I could hardly keep still while I sat in the pdoc's waiting room for almost two hours. This doctor has some kind of thing for peacocks. The waiting room was completely decked out in peacocks. I didn't find this at all odd until I went to the bathroom (too much caffeine!) and found that it too was decorated in peacocks! Complete with a really busy wallpaper. When the nurse finally took me back into a room it TOO was decorated in peacocks. I literally could NOT contain my laughter. When the nurse came in to "interview" me I giggled about the doctor's affinity for peacocks. She laughed too and then showed me their Christmas tree decorations. ALL PEACOCKS. Cue hysterics! I finally stopped laughing long enough to answer all of her questions. I'm not sure if she was entertained or annoyed by all of my side stories. It's, uh, a bit difficult to stay on track when you're manic. (Which is why I hardly ever write anything until after I've come down a bit. Things come out way too...jumbled. A hundred half-finished thoughts in ten seconds. It aren't pretty.) When she left I kicked myself. I was so busy trying to remember everything that I'd left out two BIG BIG parts of my mental health history: my previous self-injurious behavior and my binge/purge...uh...thing. I did tell the pdoc when he finally came in, though.
Once all was said and done, the doc gave me some Prozac (to help with the more frequent depressive episodes) and some Restoril for sleep. I've taken both; I had no real issues with either. (Well, except that one time when I OD'd on Restoril and the fact tha Prozac did cause SSRI-induced mania. But the OD was eight years ago when I was single and wanted very much to die; and the mania problem was all because my previous pdoc didn't have me on any kind of mood stabilizer BEFORE adding the Prozac.) I go back in a month to see how things are going.
I have the distinct feeling that this is not over.
In the meantime I am going to focus on the upcoming stuff-yourself-to-bursting day. And my niece's SECOND birthday. (And try not to focus on the fact that our child would have been almost two, too.) And find THE recipe for Red Velvet Cake for my birthday. And baking Key Lime Cake for my sister's birthday. And celebrating Christmas/the solstice just The Monkey and me this year. (I am seriously considering getting totally sloshed on hard eggnog.) And hunting down some Godiva Chocolate Liqueur for my Chocolatinis for New Year's Eve.
Is 2009 really that close to being over??
Insanity, I tell you. Absolute insanity.
November is an ideal month. Because it has a bonafide holiday for which all of my family members have a paid day off. There is plenty of holiday cooking and cheer but no stress over buying gifts and things like that. Of course, up until this Thanksgiving, The Monkey and I had never been quite so broke. (Financially, I mean. As a married couple we are a well oiled machine most days.) It is rough having to be tight fisted. Not being able to go out and buy stuff on a whim. Or, more accurately, in a manic frenzy. I don't even have credit cards to fuel that anymore. Which is probably a good thing.
Speaking of mania that's exactly what I was when I went to see my new pdoc yesterday. Utterly and completely manic. The drive to D-Town was fascinating (and the drive home even moreso... did you know that long strings of headlights in the dark look a lot like Christmas lights??). I was already positively giddy when I bounded into Starbucks and ordered my Caramel Brulee Latte. I could hardly keep still while I sat in the pdoc's waiting room for almost two hours. This doctor has some kind of thing for peacocks. The waiting room was completely decked out in peacocks. I didn't find this at all odd until I went to the bathroom (too much caffeine!) and found that it too was decorated in peacocks! Complete with a really busy wallpaper. When the nurse finally took me back into a room it TOO was decorated in peacocks. I literally could NOT contain my laughter. When the nurse came in to "interview" me I giggled about the doctor's affinity for peacocks. She laughed too and then showed me their Christmas tree decorations. ALL PEACOCKS. Cue hysterics! I finally stopped laughing long enough to answer all of her questions. I'm not sure if she was entertained or annoyed by all of my side stories. It's, uh, a bit difficult to stay on track when you're manic. (Which is why I hardly ever write anything until after I've come down a bit. Things come out way too...jumbled. A hundred half-finished thoughts in ten seconds. It aren't pretty.) When she left I kicked myself. I was so busy trying to remember everything that I'd left out two BIG BIG parts of my mental health history: my previous self-injurious behavior and my binge/purge...uh...thing. I did tell the pdoc when he finally came in, though.
Once all was said and done, the doc gave me some Prozac (to help with the more frequent depressive episodes) and some Restoril for sleep. I've taken both; I had no real issues with either. (Well, except that one time when I OD'd on Restoril and the fact tha Prozac did cause SSRI-induced mania. But the OD was eight years ago when I was single and wanted very much to die; and the mania problem was all because my previous pdoc didn't have me on any kind of mood stabilizer BEFORE adding the Prozac.) I go back in a month to see how things are going.
I have the distinct feeling that this is not over.
In the meantime I am going to focus on the upcoming stuff-yourself-to-bursting day. And my niece's SECOND birthday. (And try not to focus on the fact that our child would have been almost two, too.) And find THE recipe for Red Velvet Cake for my birthday. And baking Key Lime Cake for my sister's birthday. And celebrating Christmas/the solstice just The Monkey and me this year. (I am seriously considering getting totally sloshed on hard eggnog.) And hunting down some Godiva Chocolate Liqueur for my Chocolatinis for New Year's Eve.
Is 2009 really that close to being over??
Insanity, I tell you. Absolute insanity.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
a carefully weighted update
Trucking along at a very slow speed with the weight loss thing. I've been taking the Slimquick for a few days now and I can definitely see a difference in my energy levels. Also in my water retention. Omigosh that has improved tenfold at least. I skipped weighing myself for a few days but I knew I had to have dropped a pound or two. The pair of jeans I bought less than two weeks ago are already looser around my waist. (Banana simply said they are too big. Though I beg to differ; all of my pants are, essentially, too big everywhere except the waist. I refuse to buy pants that fit me everywhere else but are too small in the waist. Some people show their muffin tops proudly. NOT THIS CHICK. Which is why I still wear an 18. I could most definitely get into a 16. I'd just rather not showcase my belly fat.)
I've been kind of stuck at 225 for most of this month. Except for the first part of this month when I crept back up the scale to about 228. So I stepped on the scale this morning, naked of course. 223.4! I felt like dancing a jig. I was in the 230s last summer. Last spring, I was, I believe, around 240. (I can only guess I was by looking at pictures of myself from last spring.) All winter I hovered at 240 until January when I started walking. Obviously, something is working.
It's slow goings, of course, thanks to having PCOS, being insulin resistant, and [most likely] having an underactive thyroid. But at least something is happening. Three point four more pounds to lose and I'll be on track to losing around five pounds a month. Which means I should be down to just at 200 pounds by summer time. I'm looking forward to my 16s fitting by then. Though I'm not sure, exactly, what pant size I am at 200 pounds. I haven't been that "small" since...hmm...early 2007? Maybe even as far back as winter 2006. [shrug] It's been a while.
The most thrilling thing of all, I think, was that I could actually get my engagement ring on. It's still a bit snug so I'm not going to start wearing it again just yet. (All it would take would be for me to put on some water weight and the sucker would probably get stuck.) But the fact that I got it on (and back off again) with minimal effort made me smile. Five or ten more pounds and I won't have to worry about it being too tight anymore. I haven't worn my engagement ring in almost a year.
There are other things going on that I should probably blog about soon. More important things, I'm sure. Perhaps another day.
I've been kind of stuck at 225 for most of this month. Except for the first part of this month when I crept back up the scale to about 228. So I stepped on the scale this morning, naked of course. 223.4! I felt like dancing a jig. I was in the 230s last summer. Last spring, I was, I believe, around 240. (I can only guess I was by looking at pictures of myself from last spring.) All winter I hovered at 240 until January when I started walking. Obviously, something is working.
It's slow goings, of course, thanks to having PCOS, being insulin resistant, and [most likely] having an underactive thyroid. But at least something is happening. Three point four more pounds to lose and I'll be on track to losing around five pounds a month. Which means I should be down to just at 200 pounds by summer time. I'm looking forward to my 16s fitting by then. Though I'm not sure, exactly, what pant size I am at 200 pounds. I haven't been that "small" since...hmm...early 2007? Maybe even as far back as winter 2006. [shrug] It's been a while.
The most thrilling thing of all, I think, was that I could actually get my engagement ring on. It's still a bit snug so I'm not going to start wearing it again just yet. (All it would take would be for me to put on some water weight and the sucker would probably get stuck.) But the fact that I got it on (and back off again) with minimal effort made me smile. Five or ten more pounds and I won't have to worry about it being too tight anymore. I haven't worn my engagement ring in almost a year.
There are other things going on that I should probably blog about soon. More important things, I'm sure. Perhaps another day.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
obligatory "new hair' post
Everyone should have a stylist like mine. In the [almost] five years I've been going to her, I think I brought a picture in to show her once. Maybe twice. Every other time I sort of let her do her own thing and I've never walked out of her salon dissatisfied. Never. Not even a little bit.
Today was no exception. The only stipulations I gave her were that I didn't want bangs that I couldn't shove behind my ears and that I wanted to be able to still get all of my hair into a ponytail. (And, actually, the latter stipulation was her daughter's because she didn't want me using my hair being "too hot" to weasel out of walking. :P) And I told her what I wanted as far as color went and let her choose good colors for my skin tone, etc. She's never failed me and I trust her wholeheartedly with my 'do. If I wasn't so dead set on keeping my hair long(ish) right now, I would've let her pick a funky short style for me (as I've done in the past).
So this is the before picture (just for comparison's sake):
And here's my new 'do:
Stylish, easy to manage, and a tiny bit sassified. The color underneath is a dark, dark, dark (almost black) brown. On top I have a rich auburn/red-brown shade. With maybe a hint of violet-red undertones in the right light. It freaking rocks. Now to "suffer" through two days of not shampooing. Gaaah!
Today was no exception. The only stipulations I gave her were that I didn't want bangs that I couldn't shove behind my ears and that I wanted to be able to still get all of my hair into a ponytail. (And, actually, the latter stipulation was her daughter's because she didn't want me using my hair being "too hot" to weasel out of walking. :P) And I told her what I wanted as far as color went and let her choose good colors for my skin tone, etc. She's never failed me and I trust her wholeheartedly with my 'do. If I wasn't so dead set on keeping my hair long(ish) right now, I would've let her pick a funky short style for me (as I've done in the past).
So this is the before picture (just for comparison's sake):
And here's my new 'do:
Stylish, easy to manage, and a tiny bit sassified. The color underneath is a dark, dark, dark (almost black) brown. On top I have a rich auburn/red-brown shade. With maybe a hint of violet-red undertones in the right light. It freaking rocks. Now to "suffer" through two days of not shampooing. Gaaah!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
over the first [hairy] hurdle
So, I've decided, firmly, on my color. I don't want a bunch of highlights as they tend to fade out to a sort of brassy, gross color. But I did want to make my hair color different. So this is what I've decided on:
I really dig the two-tone look. It's funky but not over-the-top wild and crazy. Plus, avoiding the highlight scenario will allow me to do coloring at home in the future when the mood for change [inevitably] strikes again and I don't have the money (or time or motivation or or or) to take my butt back to the salon. I'll be going with a shade pretty similar to what's on the bottom and a bit of a darker auburn shade on top. No need for screamingly loud [dark] roots. ;)
Still on the fence about the cut. I'm pretty sure that I'll wind up going in there and telling her my stipulations about my new style and then just let her have her way with me. That's almost always what I normally do. So basically I'm looking at getting my hair relayered. Long layers, though. None of that short, choppy stuff. That's what I'm trying to get away from. And I also need to let her know that I want to be able to put it in a ponytail (as per "orders" from Banana so I don't punk out on walking because "my hair is too hot" -- boy does she know me or what??) and I want to be able to wear it stick straight or wavy/natural interchangably.
(It would be much easier if my stylist was local but Banana introduced me to her mom's mad hairstyling skills for my birthday in 2004 as a present. Ever since then I just can't force myself to go to another salon/stylist. She is simply the only person on the face of this earth that I entrust completely with my 'do. The downside is that she is about 30 miles away. Meh.)
Random side note: I saw a girl at Fun Zone today that looked just like Kristen Stewart. No, really. My sister started to ask her "Has anyone ever told you that you look just like that one actress..." and before she could finish the girl said "Kristen Stewart? Yeah. At least three times a day." :P
Now I am off to watch Twilight with my sister and my niece.
I really dig the two-tone look. It's funky but not over-the-top wild and crazy. Plus, avoiding the highlight scenario will allow me to do coloring at home in the future when the mood for change [inevitably] strikes again and I don't have the money (or time or motivation or or or) to take my butt back to the salon. I'll be going with a shade pretty similar to what's on the bottom and a bit of a darker auburn shade on top. No need for screamingly loud [dark] roots. ;)
Still on the fence about the cut. I'm pretty sure that I'll wind up going in there and telling her my stipulations about my new style and then just let her have her way with me. That's almost always what I normally do. So basically I'm looking at getting my hair relayered. Long layers, though. None of that short, choppy stuff. That's what I'm trying to get away from. And I also need to let her know that I want to be able to put it in a ponytail (as per "orders" from Banana so I don't punk out on walking because "my hair is too hot" -- boy does she know me or what??) and I want to be able to wear it stick straight or wavy/natural interchangably.
(It would be much easier if my stylist was local but Banana introduced me to her mom's mad hairstyling skills for my birthday in 2004 as a present. Ever since then I just can't force myself to go to another salon/stylist. She is simply the only person on the face of this earth that I entrust completely with my 'do. The downside is that she is about 30 miles away. Meh.)
Random side note: I saw a girl at Fun Zone today that looked just like Kristen Stewart. No, really. My sister started to ask her "Has anyone ever told you that you look just like that one actress..." and before she could finish the girl said "Kristen Stewart? Yeah. At least three times a day." :P
Now I am off to watch Twilight with my sister and my niece.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
long over 'do
It has been approximately one year since I last visited my stylist. I'm really bad about hair "maintenance" in regards to getting it cut/colored on a regular basis. In the past year I have colored my hair at home three times. But no cut/style since March of last year.
Usually when I get my hair cut I do something funky and outrageous. Most of the time it worked for me. I'm not really interested in funky or outrageous at this point. I'm more tuned into the trends for Spring/Summer 2009 which, as it seems, are the following: super short pixie cuts (um, no); bobs in all shapes and forms (maybe...); long (yes, please!).
I'd like to have long, flowing hair. Gorgeous locks that I could braid (also popular this year) or wear stick straight or wear natural and wavy. But, alas, I am still waiting for my hair to grow out from my previous style:
This is what it looks like currently:
It looks so... lifeless. There's no style there. It's just... ugh.
Here is what I'm interested in acheiving with my new style:
In regards to color... that is still up in the air. I do love my red but, like I said, I'm horrible about maintenance and red requires maintenance. So I'm thinking of keeping as close to my natural color as possible. Maybe doing the layers underneath dark and then a medium brown for the top layers. Kind of a caramelization type thing.
Maybe I can get this cut again sans the pink-red chunks:
Suggestions... pictures of styles... input... all appreciated. The appointment is scheduled for Tuesday at 9:30 AM. I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time. Go figure. Normally I'm all it's just hair, it grows back but this year I'm not feeling a short, funky cut. Maybe I'm just getting boring in my old age. :P
Usually when I get my hair cut I do something funky and outrageous. Most of the time it worked for me. I'm not really interested in funky or outrageous at this point. I'm more tuned into the trends for Spring/Summer 2009 which, as it seems, are the following: super short pixie cuts (um, no); bobs in all shapes and forms (maybe...); long (yes, please!).
I'd like to have long, flowing hair. Gorgeous locks that I could braid (also popular this year) or wear stick straight or wear natural and wavy. But, alas, I am still waiting for my hair to grow out from my previous style:
This is what it looks like currently:
It looks so... lifeless. There's no style there. It's just... ugh.
Here is what I'm interested in acheiving with my new style:
- Long layers if possible, keeping most of the current length.
- If not, a medium bob (shoulder length) possibly with a side-swept bang.
- Something manageable and easy to run with.
- Something that I can wear straight or wavy interchangeably.
- Something that will work with my round face shape.
In regards to color... that is still up in the air. I do love my red but, like I said, I'm horrible about maintenance and red requires maintenance. So I'm thinking of keeping as close to my natural color as possible. Maybe doing the layers underneath dark and then a medium brown for the top layers. Kind of a caramelization type thing.
Maybe I can get this cut again sans the pink-red chunks:
Suggestions... pictures of styles... input... all appreciated. The appointment is scheduled for Tuesday at 9:30 AM. I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time. Go figure. Normally I'm all it's just hair, it grows back but this year I'm not feeling a short, funky cut. Maybe I'm just getting boring in my old age. :P
Friday, March 6, 2009
stranger in a strange land
This weekend's forecasted weather is a stark contrast to last weekend's freezing temperatures and freak snow showers. This weekend the weather man says it's going to be 80°. That's one of the qualms I have with Alabama weather -- one day you're bundled up against the cold and the next you're busting out the flip flops and tank tops. Gaah!
Strangely enough, I am starting to find myself daydreaming about spring and summer. I've caught myself fantasizing about taking the [family] boat out to the lake. Summer barbecues. Sipping lazily on a Tom Collins and letting the buzz of the Tanqueray wash over me. Feeling uninhibitted and free the way only a summer full of possibility and empty of responsibilities can make one feel.
While I'm not at all happy about it, I am sure it will be nice to spend the summer not only free from a job but also free from the daunting task of classes. No worries about getting assignments in on time. No stressing over exam week. Still I wish very much that someone would loan me $6,000 so I could just get it over with sooner rather than later.
I'm still pretty stuck on wearing green until St. Patrick's Day. But I find myself gazing longingly at my spring and summer wardrobe. Suddenly I crave the freedom of short sleeves and flip flops. It's right around the corner and, I'm sure, that once the heat and, more noteably, the humidity kick in I'll start wishing for fall and winter once again. We are bound to have at least one more cold snap before spring really comes on full force so I haven't "officially" retired my long sleeves and knee socks. Cold snaps after the warm spells like the one we'll have this weekend are good for killing off the bugs that "take the bait" of the warmer weather and come out of hiding early. If we don't get one of these cold snaps in late March or early April it will be a long, mosquito infested summer for sure. So I'm still hoping for one more good bout of winter weather. A last hurrah to a season that's gone in [seemingly] the blink of an eye.
Since I did a little early Spring cleaning today and I am free of homework assignments, I think I'll get up early tomorrow, shower, and contemplate heading out to D-Town. During my cleaning (and organization) spree, I came across yet another green top that I need to wear. It's not kelly green; more of a subdued hue. Somewhere between lime and sea green, I suppose. At any rate, I'd forgotten about it and now I'm looking forward to wearing it tomorrow. With the nice weather and all that. :)
Strangely enough, I am starting to find myself daydreaming about spring and summer. I've caught myself fantasizing about taking the [family] boat out to the lake. Summer barbecues. Sipping lazily on a Tom Collins and letting the buzz of the Tanqueray wash over me. Feeling uninhibitted and free the way only a summer full of possibility and empty of responsibilities can make one feel.
While I'm not at all happy about it, I am sure it will be nice to spend the summer not only free from a job but also free from the daunting task of classes. No worries about getting assignments in on time. No stressing over exam week. Still I wish very much that someone would loan me $6,000 so I could just get it over with sooner rather than later.
I'm still pretty stuck on wearing green until St. Patrick's Day. But I find myself gazing longingly at my spring and summer wardrobe. Suddenly I crave the freedom of short sleeves and flip flops. It's right around the corner and, I'm sure, that once the heat and, more noteably, the humidity kick in I'll start wishing for fall and winter once again. We are bound to have at least one more cold snap before spring really comes on full force so I haven't "officially" retired my long sleeves and knee socks. Cold snaps after the warm spells like the one we'll have this weekend are good for killing off the bugs that "take the bait" of the warmer weather and come out of hiding early. If we don't get one of these cold snaps in late March or early April it will be a long, mosquito infested summer for sure. So I'm still hoping for one more good bout of winter weather. A last hurrah to a season that's gone in [seemingly] the blink of an eye.
Since I did a little early Spring cleaning today and I am free of homework assignments, I think I'll get up early tomorrow, shower, and contemplate heading out to D-Town. During my cleaning (and organization) spree, I came across yet another green top that I need to wear. It's not kelly green; more of a subdued hue. Somewhere between lime and sea green, I suppose. At any rate, I'd forgotten about it and now I'm looking forward to wearing it tomorrow. With the nice weather and all that. :)
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
a new blog
Okay, so I've been posting a lot of pictures of my eyeshadow lately, as I've done in the past. I promise, I am not in love with myself. :-P I am not really an artistic person, per se -- meaning I don't paint, sculpt, draw, etc etc -- but I'm finding the "canvas" of my eyes more and more appealing. I enjoy sharing my work and believe me when I say I have a LOT of photos that I haven't posted on my blog because I didn't want to clog it up with pictures of my eyes. After all, this blog is supposed to be about my struggles with infertility and bipolar disorder. Coupled with other ramblings as they strike. Seeing as how Blogger doesn't offer a 'cut' feature like LiveJournal, I have decided to start a blog dedicated to my adventures in makeup. If you're interested you can follow the new blog at Eye ♥ Color.
P.S. While I don't post the pics of my eyes as a way to "fish" for comments, I do rather enjoy when people comment. It is a major ego boost and who doesn't love that?? ;-P
P.S. While I don't post the pics of my eyes as a way to "fish" for comments, I do rather enjoy when people comment. It is a major ego boost and who doesn't love that?? ;-P
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
really starting to like 2009
At lunch today, The Monkey told me that after his training class with Verizon, he is going to give up smoking. We have been married almost five years and he's only quit smoking once for about two months. But this time it is his decision, not mine. I could hardly believe my ears when he told me! Verizon offers really kick-ass medical insurance and if they hire him on from Manpower in 90 days he will have a chance to pick up said insurance. Our friend B informed me on Monday that non-smokers get a discount worth $620 a year on their premium. When I told Tony, I guess he started thinking and decided that $620 extra dollars a year is worth kicking the habit. He just has to be smoke free for two months prior to signing up to get the discount.
I'm so excited about this that I am actually crying. Now I'm going to have to scour the Internet for tips and tricks to help him stick with it. But I think he's over the first hurdle which was the desire to quit. Now that we've passed that, I'm hopeful that it'll be all downhill from there.
I'm so excited about this that I am actually crying. Now I'm going to have to scour the Internet for tips and tricks to help him stick with it. But I think he's over the first hurdle which was the desire to quit. Now that we've passed that, I'm hopeful that it'll be all downhill from there.
Friday, January 9, 2009
so it goes
So far 2009 has been okay. Tolerable at least. The Monkey is employed and that is definitely a good start. However I have vowed to make this my year to get healthy and have not gotten off my lazy ass to do a single thing. But at least I have a plan in the works. The friend at Verizon (henceforth referred to as Banana) has become a bit of an exercise nut over the past year and a half. She walks somewhere between six and 10 miles a night. I would love to walk with her but she lives 30 miles from us so she's not exactly an 'ideal' walking buddy. But she does work here in town and offered to walk with me on her lunch break for at least a half hour, Monday through Friday. I agreed. While it may seem like these are plans that are easily broken I can assure you that they are most definitely not. She simply won't let me off the hook and for some reason I feel obligated to sort of prove that I can do it. I'm not going to lie -- I don't like to exercise. I don't enjoy it. I never have. I've tried all sorts of different things from step aerobics to a complex gym regimen involving cardio and weights but never found anything that held my interest. The only reason I ever got down to 145 was thanks to an eating disorder and a very active job at Outdoor Recreation. I hope that once I get started with exercising I will stay motivated to keep going this time around. I am really quite miserable in my own skin but I cannot honestly ever remember a time when I was not miserable in my own skin. Conundrum. Even still, I have to at least try to do something to get this weight off. Maybe having allowed myself to get this far gone if when I get back to a reasonable weight I won't dog myself out so damned much. (Not likely but miracles can happen, right?)
In an attempt to make myself more receptive towards a year of change I decided to color my hair. It's very close (if not identical) to my natural hair color. I joked with my BFF and told her I dyed it and that I am an 'unnaturally natural brunette' now. I didn't take pictures today but I'll definitely get a couple tomorrow and post them. It'll definitely be easier to maintain than the reds I've been wearing for the past several years which will make it easier to grow my hair long again as I won't have to color it every few months to disguise my roots. I was looking through some old pictures of my hair and came across the pictures of when my hair was nearly to my waist. It almost made me want to cry! But it's just hair and it grows back (thankfully pretty quickly in my case). I'm sure once it is long again I'll ache for a short choppy look and wind up whacking it all off on a whim. It never fails. :P But it's change and change is good.
Speaking of change, I've been neglecting my shiny new eyeshadow palette as of late in favor of a more natural, neutral look. I've been experimenting with mostly moderate browns and champagnes instead of spending oodles of time obsessing over expertly matching my eyeshadow to my outfit. Today I used matte purples (Urban Decay Matte Eyeshadow Trio in Haze). It looked pretty but I prefer shiney shadows when it comes to colors like purple. Yesterday I experimented a bit with a look I found on Sephora.com. It was an Urban Decay look called Sharp Smokey Eyes. I've had a hard time "mastering" the smokey look because to pull it off you have to do a fair amount of blending. My sister is awesome when it comes to blending but whenever I blend it seems I don't blend enough (which leaves harsh lines) or over blend (which nearly obliterates the color completely). The Sharp Smokey Eye looked easy enough and, incidently, I had all of the components the look called for. So I gave it whirl.
eXtrEme close-ups:
Not-so-close-up:
It was, by far, the easiest smokey look I have tried to date. The only real problem I had with it was the black eyeliner. Urban Decay makes an awesome eyeliner pencil. It is remarkably creamy and very pigmented (like all of their products) so a little goes a long way. But try as I may to get a nice, thin line around my lashes I just couldn't. So my liner is quite a bit thicker than the model's. But for an amateur, I think I did pretty well. I really like the look, and though I don't find it suitable for 'everyday' wear, I will be trying it again next time I get dressed up for a special occasion or a night out.
In an attempt to make myself more receptive towards a year of change I decided to color my hair. It's very close (if not identical) to my natural hair color. I joked with my BFF and told her I dyed it and that I am an 'unnaturally natural brunette' now. I didn't take pictures today but I'll definitely get a couple tomorrow and post them. It'll definitely be easier to maintain than the reds I've been wearing for the past several years which will make it easier to grow my hair long again as I won't have to color it every few months to disguise my roots. I was looking through some old pictures of my hair and came across the pictures of when my hair was nearly to my waist. It almost made me want to cry! But it's just hair and it grows back (thankfully pretty quickly in my case). I'm sure once it is long again I'll ache for a short choppy look and wind up whacking it all off on a whim. It never fails. :P But it's change and change is good.
Speaking of change, I've been neglecting my shiny new eyeshadow palette as of late in favor of a more natural, neutral look. I've been experimenting with mostly moderate browns and champagnes instead of spending oodles of time obsessing over expertly matching my eyeshadow to my outfit. Today I used matte purples (Urban Decay Matte Eyeshadow Trio in Haze). It looked pretty but I prefer shiney shadows when it comes to colors like purple. Yesterday I experimented a bit with a look I found on Sephora.com. It was an Urban Decay look called Sharp Smokey Eyes. I've had a hard time "mastering" the smokey look because to pull it off you have to do a fair amount of blending. My sister is awesome when it comes to blending but whenever I blend it seems I don't blend enough (which leaves harsh lines) or over blend (which nearly obliterates the color completely). The Sharp Smokey Eye looked easy enough and, incidently, I had all of the components the look called for. So I gave it whirl.
eXtrEme close-ups:
Not-so-close-up:
It was, by far, the easiest smokey look I have tried to date. The only real problem I had with it was the black eyeliner. Urban Decay makes an awesome eyeliner pencil. It is remarkably creamy and very pigmented (like all of their products) so a little goes a long way. But try as I may to get a nice, thin line around my lashes I just couldn't. So my liner is quite a bit thicker than the model's. But for an amateur, I think I did pretty well. I really like the look, and though I don't find it suitable for 'everyday' wear, I will be trying it again next time I get dressed up for a special occasion or a night out.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
an interesting way to 'sum things up'
The first sentence of each month's first entry for 2008:
I managed to escape hospitalization. So I finally got AF today after waiting 40 days. This morning my RE called and told me that my TSH is elevated. Going away for a while. Five years ago today Tony and I threw out our condoms and decided that we were going to have a baby. I've found that my unemployed life is not so much better than my employed life. I can hardly believe it's September already. I absolutely love October. Some days I feel okay with not being pregnant (or having a child) yet and then there are days where I remember that this would've been our baby's first Halloween (and first Thanksgiving, and first Christmas... etc, etc). So I woke up the day before yesterday with... dum dum dum... another blasted ear infection! That's THREE of these freaking things in as many months!
Monday, December 29, 2008
echoes from a hollow disarray
Oh 2008. You have definitely left me worse for the wear. Too many blind curves and sudden stops on shoddy breaks. Failures and disappointments. Too, too many steps in the wrong direction.
I am just oh-so-tired.
With all the shit that's been thrown at me during 2008, I'm not so sure that I'm ready to take on a new year. I don't know if I can handle being stabbed repeatedly by a fresh new year. I've become accustomed to the violent stabs from 2008 that they feel nothing more than pin pricks anymore. A fresh new year means fresh new wounds and pain and fear and doubt and and and...
I am just not ready.
I think in an attempt to feel well adjusted in this maladjusted existance I will ring in the new year with Chocolate Martinis. (Or Caramel Appletinis... whichever I can procure all the ingredients for easier.)
I am just oh-so-tired.
With all the shit that's been thrown at me during 2008, I'm not so sure that I'm ready to take on a new year. I don't know if I can handle being stabbed repeatedly by a fresh new year. I've become accustomed to the violent stabs from 2008 that they feel nothing more than pin pricks anymore. A fresh new year means fresh new wounds and pain and fear and doubt and and and...
I am just not ready.
I think in an attempt to feel well adjusted in this maladjusted existance I will ring in the new year with Chocolate Martinis. (Or Caramel Appletinis... whichever I can procure all the ingredients for easier.)
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