My heart. It is so full of joy and love for my girls that sometimes it's overwhelming and all I can do is cry. Happy tears, of course.
And now Christmastime is upon us and I find myself reflecting back several years ago and I am happy that this day is here. The day where I will be celebrating with my little family and I am oh-so-blessed. So blessed.
Yes my heart is full.
Showing posts with label holiday madness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holiday madness. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
thankful.
Oh so very thankful.
The holidays this year are different. Instead of going "Ugh, do we have to put up Christmas decorations??" I'm going "We are TOTALLY putting up decorations the day after Thanksgiving and when can we get a tree again??!" Years of wishing/hoping/longing/praying and here I am. I'm a mom. I'm a MoM, even. Which is twice as nice.
The two little critters are doing fabulously. The Monkey joked the other day how we sort of haven't earned our "twin badges" because our journey thus far (KNOCK ON WOOD) has been remarkably easy. They are just easy going babies.
We had our four month checkup on Friday and Abigail measured 26" and weighed 13 lbs 12 oz. My chunky monkey Hannah measured 25 3/4" and weighed 14 lbs 8 oz! They are growing up so fast it's unreal! They have these little discernible personalities. Abby is a screamer/drama/attention whore. Hannah is laid back/chill. They switch, of course, to keep us guessing but mostly those "roles" are consistent. They had their vaccines on Friday also. This time I didn't cry as much. :P Abby was a little more upset by the whole ordeal (see previous comment about drama queen) and had to be consoled a little longer. They ran a slight temp for a couple of days and were kind of lethargic but otherwise are doing well. Because they've been tossing and turning more we decided to transition them to their cribs. It's not that I wanted to, really, but it was ideal for all of us -- the girls included. So for the past four nights they've slept roughly 10 - 12 hours a night in their own room in their own cribs. :') My heart is torn between being thrilled and being sad that they're already that grown up.
Their clothing size varies. I have some 3 - 6 that still fits them but mostly they are in 6 monhts (Carter's), 6 - 9 months (Children's Place), and 6 - 12 months (Old Navy/Gap). Some of their 3 - 6 stuff still fits, though.
It's hard not to be grateful with a heart this full of joy and love. I'm still having some issues tweaking my meds but it's coming along. I am now on Prozac, Lamictal, Abilify, and Klonopin for mania PRN. Also taking Ambien for sleep when I can manage.
Next time I update I need to update regarding cloth diapering. If anything about parenthood agrees with me it's definitely fluff! I'm resisting my urge to try wool in fear that I'll like it too much and want to redo my entire stash. That's just NOT an option for a stash the size of mine (easily 200 diapers).
In the meantime I leave you with something I see EVERY MORNING:
Abby
Hannah
The holidays this year are different. Instead of going "Ugh, do we have to put up Christmas decorations??" I'm going "We are TOTALLY putting up decorations the day after Thanksgiving and when can we get a tree again??!" Years of wishing/hoping/longing/praying and here I am. I'm a mom. I'm a MoM, even. Which is twice as nice.
The two little critters are doing fabulously. The Monkey joked the other day how we sort of haven't earned our "twin badges" because our journey thus far (KNOCK ON WOOD) has been remarkably easy. They are just easy going babies.
We had our four month checkup on Friday and Abigail measured 26" and weighed 13 lbs 12 oz. My chunky monkey Hannah measured 25 3/4" and weighed 14 lbs 8 oz! They are growing up so fast it's unreal! They have these little discernible personalities. Abby is a screamer/drama/attention whore. Hannah is laid back/chill. They switch, of course, to keep us guessing but mostly those "roles" are consistent. They had their vaccines on Friday also. This time I didn't cry as much. :P Abby was a little more upset by the whole ordeal (see previous comment about drama queen) and had to be consoled a little longer. They ran a slight temp for a couple of days and were kind of lethargic but otherwise are doing well. Because they've been tossing and turning more we decided to transition them to their cribs. It's not that I wanted to, really, but it was ideal for all of us -- the girls included. So for the past four nights they've slept roughly 10 - 12 hours a night in their own room in their own cribs. :') My heart is torn between being thrilled and being sad that they're already that grown up.
Their clothing size varies. I have some 3 - 6 that still fits them but mostly they are in 6 monhts (Carter's), 6 - 9 months (Children's Place), and 6 - 12 months (Old Navy/Gap). Some of their 3 - 6 stuff still fits, though.
It's hard not to be grateful with a heart this full of joy and love. I'm still having some issues tweaking my meds but it's coming along. I am now on Prozac, Lamictal, Abilify, and Klonopin for mania PRN. Also taking Ambien for sleep when I can manage.
Next time I update I need to update regarding cloth diapering. If anything about parenthood agrees with me it's definitely fluff! I'm resisting my urge to try wool in fear that I'll like it too much and want to redo my entire stash. That's just NOT an option for a stash the size of mine (easily 200 diapers).
In the meantime I leave you with something I see EVERY MORNING:
Abby
Hannah
Friday, October 22, 2010
We decided...
That if we get pregnant with twins we are going to call them "The Twinkies." :P
Follie scan went fantabulous this morning. I have four measurable follies and a smaller 11mm that most likely won't catch up. Measurements were 18mm, 2 x 15mm, and 13mm. My E2 was a stellar 532! I think maybe the DIM supplement I've been taking is working quite well!
So, I took my hCG trigger tonight and we are headed to Bham tomorrow evening and staying overnight because IUI will be at 7:30 AM Saturday and The Monkey said he didn't know how "in the mood" he would be if we had to get up at 3:30 AM and drive! Can't says I blame him there! We are thinking about catching a movie tomorrow evening.
In other news I am incredibly excited about Halloween! We are having it at my sister's instead of here and her garage is perfect. The walls are dark and it kind of feels cave-like. We have big plans for decorating. The Monkey and I stopped in Spencer's this afternoon and I'll be damned if I didn't find some really AWESOME decorations that were on clearance! I paid $31 for two eerie looking mirrors with skulls holding black roses (they have a candle holder in front of the mirror). Then I found two neat looking skull things -- one is a tea light holder and the other is an LED thing. Really super cool. I am thinking we'll go back to Spencer's and check out some of the other things. I'm also (of course!) doing all of the baking and sweet snacks. We're also going to do punch and some savory snacks.
Yeah. Super excited!
Then it's going to be time to prep to make my nephews' birthday cakes by the 10th. And then Madison's birthday cake at the end of November. And my mom wants me to make a cake for her boss' birthday. Then my sister's birthday at the beginning of December.
Anyone want to volunteer to make my birthday cake?? It's my 30th after all! :P
Ok, going to bed now and hoping that I can get some rest and that tomorrow goes by quickly!
Oh, and also there was this:
We went out to eat before coming home and I was terribly tickled by our fortune's. The Monkey's is on top, mine is on the bottom. :D
Follie scan went fantabulous this morning. I have four measurable follies and a smaller 11mm that most likely won't catch up. Measurements were 18mm, 2 x 15mm, and 13mm. My E2 was a stellar 532! I think maybe the DIM supplement I've been taking is working quite well!
So, I took my hCG trigger tonight and we are headed to Bham tomorrow evening and staying overnight because IUI will be at 7:30 AM Saturday and The Monkey said he didn't know how "in the mood" he would be if we had to get up at 3:30 AM and drive! Can't says I blame him there! We are thinking about catching a movie tomorrow evening.
In other news I am incredibly excited about Halloween! We are having it at my sister's instead of here and her garage is perfect. The walls are dark and it kind of feels cave-like. We have big plans for decorating. The Monkey and I stopped in Spencer's this afternoon and I'll be damned if I didn't find some really AWESOME decorations that were on clearance! I paid $31 for two eerie looking mirrors with skulls holding black roses (they have a candle holder in front of the mirror). Then I found two neat looking skull things -- one is a tea light holder and the other is an LED thing. Really super cool. I am thinking we'll go back to Spencer's and check out some of the other things. I'm also (of course!) doing all of the baking and sweet snacks. We're also going to do punch and some savory snacks.
Yeah. Super excited!
Then it's going to be time to prep to make my nephews' birthday cakes by the 10th. And then Madison's birthday cake at the end of November. And my mom wants me to make a cake for her boss' birthday. Then my sister's birthday at the beginning of December.
Anyone want to volunteer to make my birthday cake?? It's my 30th after all! :P
Ok, going to bed now and hoping that I can get some rest and that tomorrow goes by quickly!
Oh, and also there was this:
We went out to eat before coming home and I was terribly tickled by our fortune's. The Monkey's is on top, mine is on the bottom. :D
Sunday, January 3, 2010
new year, yada yada
The holidays commenced with mostly a minimal amount of madness this year. Christmas was a bit of a let down. Even though I thought that I'd mentally prepared myself to spend the holiday just The Monkey and me, it turned out to be very difficult. I spent a good deal of Christmas Eve night and Christmas day crying. Er...sobbing. Boo hoo. I don't think it would've been quite so depressing if The Monkey hadn't had a sudden recurrance of his sciatica. It was so bad that he was incapacitated. Eventually I convinced him (and myself) that he needed medical attention. We drove out to the medical center (which is about 45 minutes away) to the ER. We chose to do this instead of going to our local hospital because we know the type of ER care our hospital gives and it's NOT what we were looking for. As it turned out, however, we wasted the extra money in gas because the medical center was just as bad! If not worse. The on call doctor refused to call the on call MRI staff (seeing as how it was Christmas and all) and sent The Monkey home with NO medication. He got three shots in the butt before he left: a steroid, a pain killer, and a muscle relaxer. But that wasn't after the on call ER doc practically drilled him about his prescription drug use. (She was very accusatory with her line of questioning asking him how often our GP prescribes him Lortab for pain; how often he takes it... blah blah blah.) The Monkey was being very polite until I jumped in and told her very sternly that the prescription he was currently taking for pain was nearly a year old and that he almost NEVER takes pain killers if he can help it. It would be one thing if he even looked a little like he was faking it. But, I'm sorry, you can NOT "fake" a significant rise in BP (like 20+ points) or a crazy fast heart rate. He was in a LOT of pain! At any rate, the medication they gave him either did him some good or the rest and massages and stretching we did at home did him some good. Either way, on the 26th he was completely mobile again. He isn't in pain anymore, so to speak. His back no longer hurts and neither does his butt or his leg; but his calf and parts of his right foot are tingly/numb. We know it's a low back nerve issue. We are working on getting him setup for an MRI.
So, yeah, Christmas pretty much sucked. But it's just another day on the calendar, right? I certainly can't let one day (regardless of it's cultural or religious significance) ruin an entire year. 2009 certainly wasn't, by any means, a horrible year. It was full of some ups and downs (what year isn't??) but over all, I think it was pretty darn good.
2009 certainly ended well. The Monkey, as I said before, went from being incapacitated by pain on Christmas to being almost completely normal for New Year's Eve. My sister and family came home from their vacation early so they were all here for New Year's Eve as well. I have to say I was quite happy that they cut their vacation short. As selfish as that may sound! At any rate, we hung out over at my mom and dad's for th evening. We'd brought our X-Box and stuff over their house for Christmas Eve but didn't get to play it because we wound up staying at home. But we did play it on New Year's Eve and it was a lot of fun. I had a few Mike's Spiced Apple (YUM!!) and a couple of weak rum and Cokes. I can't really drink much alcohol these days. Not only do I not drink often so I've become quite the lightweight. Not to mention several of my daily medications interact with alcohol (read: I get drunker WAY faster) so just a few drinks does me in pretty quick. Which is actually kind of nice. I'm definitely a cheap bar date! Anyhow, we rang in the New Year playing pool and having a good time. We left shortly after midnight and came home to sleep.
Speaking of SLEEP... the most exciting part of 2009 happened on New Year's Eve. The Monkey and I actually slept together in the same bed all night!! We haven't slept in the same bed for three years because his snoring was just that bad. I finally bit the bullet and jumped through a dozen hoops to get him set up with a CPAP machine. The first night was horrific because his pressure setting was WAY too low and he felt like he was suffocating. But now that we have that fixed I don't even have to fight with him to put the darn thing on! We woke up early this weekend for our usual routine of cuddling and early morning nookie. Afterwards I fell back asleep. And he did as well. Imagine my surprise when I woke up and saw that he'd put his mask back on to do so! He can certainly tell the difference in how he feels. And WOW... so can I! He already has much more energy. He's been sitting down to play video games (both WoW and X-Box) without falling asleep during. I took more naps this weekend than he did! It has been absolutely incredible and I only wish we'd known years ago how good one of these machines would be for him! I have a feeling that he'll start losing weight easier now that his body is getting recouperative rest. We are both looking forward to being healthier and happier in 2010; even moreso than we were in 2009. (In fact, I've set my sights on a NEW weight loss goal. I lost a total of 33 pounds in 2009 -- about seven pounds short of my goal. My new goal for 2010 is to lose at least another 30. Definitely more if I can manage!)
So alls well that ends well. Now I'm going to go crawl into bed with my husband and go to sleep.
So, yeah, Christmas pretty much sucked. But it's just another day on the calendar, right? I certainly can't let one day (regardless of it's cultural or religious significance) ruin an entire year. 2009 certainly wasn't, by any means, a horrible year. It was full of some ups and downs (what year isn't??) but over all, I think it was pretty darn good.
2009 certainly ended well. The Monkey, as I said before, went from being incapacitated by pain on Christmas to being almost completely normal for New Year's Eve. My sister and family came home from their vacation early so they were all here for New Year's Eve as well. I have to say I was quite happy that they cut their vacation short. As selfish as that may sound! At any rate, we hung out over at my mom and dad's for th evening. We'd brought our X-Box and stuff over their house for Christmas Eve but didn't get to play it because we wound up staying at home. But we did play it on New Year's Eve and it was a lot of fun. I had a few Mike's Spiced Apple (YUM!!) and a couple of weak rum and Cokes. I can't really drink much alcohol these days. Not only do I not drink often so I've become quite the lightweight. Not to mention several of my daily medications interact with alcohol (read: I get drunker WAY faster) so just a few drinks does me in pretty quick. Which is actually kind of nice. I'm definitely a cheap bar date! Anyhow, we rang in the New Year playing pool and having a good time. We left shortly after midnight and came home to sleep.
Speaking of SLEEP... the most exciting part of 2009 happened on New Year's Eve. The Monkey and I actually slept together in the same bed all night!! We haven't slept in the same bed for three years because his snoring was just that bad. I finally bit the bullet and jumped through a dozen hoops to get him set up with a CPAP machine. The first night was horrific because his pressure setting was WAY too low and he felt like he was suffocating. But now that we have that fixed I don't even have to fight with him to put the darn thing on! We woke up early this weekend for our usual routine of cuddling and early morning nookie. Afterwards I fell back asleep. And he did as well. Imagine my surprise when I woke up and saw that he'd put his mask back on to do so! He can certainly tell the difference in how he feels. And WOW... so can I! He already has much more energy. He's been sitting down to play video games (both WoW and X-Box) without falling asleep during. I took more naps this weekend than he did! It has been absolutely incredible and I only wish we'd known years ago how good one of these machines would be for him! I have a feeling that he'll start losing weight easier now that his body is getting recouperative rest. We are both looking forward to being healthier and happier in 2010; even moreso than we were in 2009. (In fact, I've set my sights on a NEW weight loss goal. I lost a total of 33 pounds in 2009 -- about seven pounds short of my goal. My new goal for 2010 is to lose at least another 30. Definitely more if I can manage!)
So alls well that ends well. Now I'm going to go crawl into bed with my husband and go to sleep.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
holiday cheer
I am ready for Christmas. Well except for buying the kids' gifts. But they won't be back until New Year's Eve at the earliest so I have a couple of extra days. Otherwise I am completely ready. Tomorrow night we are going to take the X-Box over to my parents' house and probably rent The Beatles Rock Band. I have a quart of Dairy Fresh Eggnog in the fridge and will be going to ABC Liquors to get a bottle of spiced rum to add to it. I am also going to make some more mulled wine (my mom LOVED it) and I have a six pack of Mike's Spice Apple as well. Good times are sure to be had.
Life is pretty unspectacular and good all at the same time. We still have yet to put things back together after our recent flooding but we're not going to worry about it until this weekend. It's supposed to rain tomorrow and I would hate to put everything back together tomorrow only to have to tear it back apart again. Since we had to get rid of all the carpeting all we have is a bare concrete floor. Which, granted, might be nice in the summer time but not so much in the winter. We're going to check Lowe's and a few other flooring stores for scrap carpet. We are not doing wall-to-wall this time because that has proved to be a serious hassle.
My very last car payment is due on January 2nd. I cannot even begin to express how happy I am about this! Then The Monkey's last payment is in February. So we'll officially OWN two cars! w00t w00t! One of these days we're going to have to look at getting The Monkey's bumper fixed. (A friend was rear-ended in Panama City back in November 2005. We got the settlement money and, uh, spent it on other things. Seeing how it was November we probably spent it on Christmas. :P)
During the month of October I managed to gain a good eight pounds. I was back up to 217! Thankfully that weight has slowly but surely come off over the past two months. Now I am down to my lowest in years... 207!! If anyone has any ideas for me to drop seven pounds in about a week I would love to hear it. :P (I'm not really considering trying this. I expect that I'll actually gain a few pounds over Christmas and New Years since I plan on drinking.) But seeing as how I'm less than 10 pounds from meeting my weight loss goal for 2009 I won't beat myself up too much!
Having this big ol' house to ourselves is a bit strange. Definitely lonely without my sister and the kiddos. But the quiet is kind of nice. Who doesn't enjoy a bit of peace and quiet once in a while after all?? (Well as peacful and quiet as it can be with five cats and a dog in the house!)
And now I am going to go get dressed and head out to get my eyebrows waxed. Then I will come back home and do my makeup. Trying to figure out what to make for supper. A pot roast sounds good. But, then again, so does meatloaf. Decisions decisions...
Life is pretty unspectacular and good all at the same time. We still have yet to put things back together after our recent flooding but we're not going to worry about it until this weekend. It's supposed to rain tomorrow and I would hate to put everything back together tomorrow only to have to tear it back apart again. Since we had to get rid of all the carpeting all we have is a bare concrete floor. Which, granted, might be nice in the summer time but not so much in the winter. We're going to check Lowe's and a few other flooring stores for scrap carpet. We are not doing wall-to-wall this time because that has proved to be a serious hassle.
My very last car payment is due on January 2nd. I cannot even begin to express how happy I am about this! Then The Monkey's last payment is in February. So we'll officially OWN two cars! w00t w00t! One of these days we're going to have to look at getting The Monkey's bumper fixed. (A friend was rear-ended in Panama City back in November 2005. We got the settlement money and, uh, spent it on other things. Seeing how it was November we probably spent it on Christmas. :P)
During the month of October I managed to gain a good eight pounds. I was back up to 217! Thankfully that weight has slowly but surely come off over the past two months. Now I am down to my lowest in years... 207!! If anyone has any ideas for me to drop seven pounds in about a week I would love to hear it. :P (I'm not really considering trying this. I expect that I'll actually gain a few pounds over Christmas and New Years since I plan on drinking.) But seeing as how I'm less than 10 pounds from meeting my weight loss goal for 2009 I won't beat myself up too much!
Having this big ol' house to ourselves is a bit strange. Definitely lonely without my sister and the kiddos. But the quiet is kind of nice. Who doesn't enjoy a bit of peace and quiet once in a while after all?? (Well as peacful and quiet as it can be with five cats and a dog in the house!)
And now I am going to go get dressed and head out to get my eyebrows waxed. Then I will come back home and do my makeup. Trying to figure out what to make for supper. A pot roast sounds good. But, then again, so does meatloaf. Decisions decisions...
Friday, November 20, 2009
do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around...
I started this really inspired entry a couple of weeks ago about the month of November. It was really heart felt. And did I mention inspired? Sadly my inspiration comes in spurts and I wasn't able to finish before I'd gotten side tracked. And I can't remember what I was going to say anyway.
November is an ideal month. Because it has a bonafide holiday for which all of my family members have a paid day off. There is plenty of holiday cooking and cheer but no stress over buying gifts and things like that. Of course, up until this Thanksgiving, The Monkey and I had never been quite so broke. (Financially, I mean. As a married couple we are a well oiled machine most days.) It is rough having to be tight fisted. Not being able to go out and buy stuff on a whim. Or, more accurately, in a manic frenzy. I don't even have credit cards to fuel that anymore. Which is probably a good thing.
Speaking of mania that's exactly what I was when I went to see my new pdoc yesterday. Utterly and completely manic. The drive to D-Town was fascinating (and the drive home even moreso... did you know that long strings of headlights in the dark look a lot like Christmas lights??). I was already positively giddy when I bounded into Starbucks and ordered my Caramel Brulee Latte. I could hardly keep still while I sat in the pdoc's waiting room for almost two hours. This doctor has some kind of thing for peacocks. The waiting room was completely decked out in peacocks. I didn't find this at all odd until I went to the bathroom (too much caffeine!) and found that it too was decorated in peacocks! Complete with a really busy wallpaper. When the nurse finally took me back into a room it TOO was decorated in peacocks. I literally could NOT contain my laughter. When the nurse came in to "interview" me I giggled about the doctor's affinity for peacocks. She laughed too and then showed me their Christmas tree decorations. ALL PEACOCKS. Cue hysterics! I finally stopped laughing long enough to answer all of her questions. I'm not sure if she was entertained or annoyed by all of my side stories. It's, uh, a bit difficult to stay on track when you're manic. (Which is why I hardly ever write anything until after I've come down a bit. Things come out way too...jumbled. A hundred half-finished thoughts in ten seconds. It aren't pretty.) When she left I kicked myself. I was so busy trying to remember everything that I'd left out two BIG BIG parts of my mental health history: my previous self-injurious behavior and my binge/purge...uh...thing. I did tell the pdoc when he finally came in, though.
Once all was said and done, the doc gave me some Prozac (to help with the more frequent depressive episodes) and some Restoril for sleep. I've taken both; I had no real issues with either. (Well, except that one time when I OD'd on Restoril and the fact tha Prozac did cause SSRI-induced mania. But the OD was eight years ago when I was single and wanted very much to die; and the mania problem was all because my previous pdoc didn't have me on any kind of mood stabilizer BEFORE adding the Prozac.) I go back in a month to see how things are going.
I have the distinct feeling that this is not over.
In the meantime I am going to focus on the upcoming stuff-yourself-to-bursting day. And my niece's SECOND birthday. (And try not to focus on the fact that our child would have been almost two, too.) And find THE recipe for Red Velvet Cake for my birthday. And baking Key Lime Cake for my sister's birthday. And celebrating Christmas/the solstice just The Monkey and me this year. (I am seriously considering getting totally sloshed on hard eggnog.) And hunting down some Godiva Chocolate Liqueur for my Chocolatinis for New Year's Eve.
Is 2009 really that close to being over??
Insanity, I tell you. Absolute insanity.
November is an ideal month. Because it has a bonafide holiday for which all of my family members have a paid day off. There is plenty of holiday cooking and cheer but no stress over buying gifts and things like that. Of course, up until this Thanksgiving, The Monkey and I had never been quite so broke. (Financially, I mean. As a married couple we are a well oiled machine most days.) It is rough having to be tight fisted. Not being able to go out and buy stuff on a whim. Or, more accurately, in a manic frenzy. I don't even have credit cards to fuel that anymore. Which is probably a good thing.
Speaking of mania that's exactly what I was when I went to see my new pdoc yesterday. Utterly and completely manic. The drive to D-Town was fascinating (and the drive home even moreso... did you know that long strings of headlights in the dark look a lot like Christmas lights??). I was already positively giddy when I bounded into Starbucks and ordered my Caramel Brulee Latte. I could hardly keep still while I sat in the pdoc's waiting room for almost two hours. This doctor has some kind of thing for peacocks. The waiting room was completely decked out in peacocks. I didn't find this at all odd until I went to the bathroom (too much caffeine!) and found that it too was decorated in peacocks! Complete with a really busy wallpaper. When the nurse finally took me back into a room it TOO was decorated in peacocks. I literally could NOT contain my laughter. When the nurse came in to "interview" me I giggled about the doctor's affinity for peacocks. She laughed too and then showed me their Christmas tree decorations. ALL PEACOCKS. Cue hysterics! I finally stopped laughing long enough to answer all of her questions. I'm not sure if she was entertained or annoyed by all of my side stories. It's, uh, a bit difficult to stay on track when you're manic. (Which is why I hardly ever write anything until after I've come down a bit. Things come out way too...jumbled. A hundred half-finished thoughts in ten seconds. It aren't pretty.) When she left I kicked myself. I was so busy trying to remember everything that I'd left out two BIG BIG parts of my mental health history: my previous self-injurious behavior and my binge/purge...uh...thing. I did tell the pdoc when he finally came in, though.
Once all was said and done, the doc gave me some Prozac (to help with the more frequent depressive episodes) and some Restoril for sleep. I've taken both; I had no real issues with either. (Well, except that one time when I OD'd on Restoril and the fact tha Prozac did cause SSRI-induced mania. But the OD was eight years ago when I was single and wanted very much to die; and the mania problem was all because my previous pdoc didn't have me on any kind of mood stabilizer BEFORE adding the Prozac.) I go back in a month to see how things are going.
I have the distinct feeling that this is not over.
In the meantime I am going to focus on the upcoming stuff-yourself-to-bursting day. And my niece's SECOND birthday. (And try not to focus on the fact that our child would have been almost two, too.) And find THE recipe for Red Velvet Cake for my birthday. And baking Key Lime Cake for my sister's birthday. And celebrating Christmas/the solstice just The Monkey and me this year. (I am seriously considering getting totally sloshed on hard eggnog.) And hunting down some Godiva Chocolate Liqueur for my Chocolatinis for New Year's Eve.
Is 2009 really that close to being over??
Insanity, I tell you. Absolute insanity.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
flippity floppity
So, the month of October has nearly slipped away. I wish the weather would cool off and stay that way for crying out loud. We had a nice little cold spell this weekend (even a frost advisory!) but it's right back into the mid to upper 70s now. And that would be all well and good if it would drop down into the 50s or something at night but it's not getting much lower than 65°. [sigh] Why I ever moved to the south, I'll never know. (Oh, yeah. This was supposed to be a temporary situation. Funny how falling in love and getting married can change EVERYTHING.)
After the Metallica concert I went into one of my post-excitement slumps. Things like that happen to me all the time. It'll most likely happen again after Halloween but maybe I'll get lucky. Who knows. I am looking forward to our Halloween party. Even though this year I won't be able to have Jell-O shots or alcohol of any kind because I'm on a double course of antibiotics. As it turns out I wound up having a recurrance of pelvic pain with my most recent AF. Cultures showed Group B Strep but I can't see how that could cause such bad pain. I'm wondering if something else is going on. Needless to say, if it occurs again with my next AF I'll be stopping my birth control pills and asking for a different one. The pain started when I started the pill. Which is really strange to say the least but whatever. It's not the first time my body has acted out of the norm.
I was so preoccupied with the Metallica concert and we spent a small chunk of money on it that we're not doing elaborate costumes this year. The Monkey is going to dress up as a rock star and I'm going to be his groupie. Heh. I'm considering making us look zombie-fied in some way to make it more Halloween-ish. We shall see.
There is really nothing exciting in my life to speak of. My niece is turning two next month. TWO! My nephews will be 15 and 7. Soon after I'll be turning 29. Almost 30 and still no babies. [sigh] It's a good thing I know plenty of ladies that are in their 40s and having babies. We have to elect new benefits this month. VZW is changing things and will no longer be offering Cigna. I think this could be a good thing. The fertility coverage is different. The new coverage offers treatment of the underlying condition causing the infertility (meaning the PCOS, thyroid disorder, endo, and everything else) but it also covers fertility services (specifically IUI) at 50%. Which is way better than 0% obviously! It's a nice addition and will hopefully come in very handy. Someday. But someday is still pretty far away so I'm going to force myself not to think about it. At all. Ever. [sigh]
Friday I took The Monkey to have his eyes checked after he got a migraine that lasted for about four days. (Well, the migraine pain lasted about a day and a half; the residual pain continued for another two and a half days after.) The Monkey never gets headaches. Well, almost never. But, when he does, they are exclusively migraine in nature. And they are always preceded by an aura (blurry vision) and we can usually use that to get pain meds in him before the pain becomes too much to deal with. We did okay this time, but he had some trouble with bright lights and wound up wearing a hat and dark sunglasses at work. (He's doing everything in his power to keep an impeccable attendance record. It comes down to job security and raises and blah blah blah...) Being the concerned (and intuitive) wife that I am, I scheduled him an appointment with a local optometrist. It was quite the ordeal and the one that got us in was the last one on our list of in network providers. One of the nice things about our medical coverage with VZW is that we have vision coverage. And, as it turns out, said coverage is actually pretty spectacular. After The Monkey's exam (which took over an hour) the optometrist said that he is far sighted. Not horribly so but since he's getting older his eye muscles are wanting to over-compensate for his vision impairment less and less. And the subsequent muscle strain of staring at a computer screen for eight to ten hours a day at work and then coming home and playing World of Warcraft for another three or four is taking its toll. Simply put: his muscles don't care to keep up with his demands anymore. So, glasses it is. They dilated his pupils (of course) so afterwards not only did he look like he'd dropped acid (or taken a couple of hits of Ecstasy) he also had horribly blurred vision for the next few hours. He bickered and complained when we tried to get him to pick out frames. We ("we" being the nurse and me) picked out a few pair and had him model. The first pair turned out to be our favorite. And, luckily, also the cheapest. The frames were $139.99. Then we went over lense options. VSP would've paid 100% of the lens cost if we'd gone with plastic. But plastic is notoriously heavy and scratches easily. So we paid the extra $25 for the polycarbonate. Our plan paid $115 for the frames and then an additional 20% off the remaining cost. So we paid something ridiculously silly for an otherwise pricey pair of frames; $18 if I remember right. Then the $25 for the lenses; $25 for our optometrist office visit copay; $20 for our medical copay (since she looked at the vessels in his eyes to be sure that the problem wasn't something brain related). Total cost: $89. Uh... I paid $200ish for my glasses two years ago! And that's not including the multiple visits to my opthamalogist. (I have other eye 'issues' that require me to see an opthamalogist instead of an optometrist.) So I'm glad that is resolved. We're hoping the glasses get here quickly but the lady did say 10 - 14 business days. UGH. (I also paid a little extra for convenience. I ordered and paid for and walked out with my new glasses within a couple of hours.)
My life is just full of excitment. It's high time that I schedule an appointment with a new psychiatrist. And a new therapist. I should also schedule an appointment with a specialist about my elbow. I'm still dealing with quite a bit of pain in my right elbow. It's been a good five months since this started. It was getting better until about two weeks ago when it started to get bad again. I refuse to just "deal" with the pain anymore.
After the Metallica concert I went into one of my post-excitement slumps. Things like that happen to me all the time. It'll most likely happen again after Halloween but maybe I'll get lucky. Who knows. I am looking forward to our Halloween party. Even though this year I won't be able to have Jell-O shots or alcohol of any kind because I'm on a double course of antibiotics. As it turns out I wound up having a recurrance of pelvic pain with my most recent AF. Cultures showed Group B Strep but I can't see how that could cause such bad pain. I'm wondering if something else is going on. Needless to say, if it occurs again with my next AF I'll be stopping my birth control pills and asking for a different one. The pain started when I started the pill. Which is really strange to say the least but whatever. It's not the first time my body has acted out of the norm.
I was so preoccupied with the Metallica concert and we spent a small chunk of money on it that we're not doing elaborate costumes this year. The Monkey is going to dress up as a rock star and I'm going to be his groupie. Heh. I'm considering making us look zombie-fied in some way to make it more Halloween-ish. We shall see.
There is really nothing exciting in my life to speak of. My niece is turning two next month. TWO! My nephews will be 15 and 7. Soon after I'll be turning 29. Almost 30 and still no babies. [sigh] It's a good thing I know plenty of ladies that are in their 40s and having babies. We have to elect new benefits this month. VZW is changing things and will no longer be offering Cigna. I think this could be a good thing. The fertility coverage is different. The new coverage offers treatment of the underlying condition causing the infertility (meaning the PCOS, thyroid disorder, endo, and everything else) but it also covers fertility services (specifically IUI) at 50%. Which is way better than 0% obviously! It's a nice addition and will hopefully come in very handy. Someday. But someday is still pretty far away so I'm going to force myself not to think about it. At all. Ever. [sigh]
Friday I took The Monkey to have his eyes checked after he got a migraine that lasted for about four days. (Well, the migraine pain lasted about a day and a half; the residual pain continued for another two and a half days after.) The Monkey never gets headaches. Well, almost never. But, when he does, they are exclusively migraine in nature. And they are always preceded by an aura (blurry vision) and we can usually use that to get pain meds in him before the pain becomes too much to deal with. We did okay this time, but he had some trouble with bright lights and wound up wearing a hat and dark sunglasses at work. (He's doing everything in his power to keep an impeccable attendance record. It comes down to job security and raises and blah blah blah...) Being the concerned (and intuitive) wife that I am, I scheduled him an appointment with a local optometrist. It was quite the ordeal and the one that got us in was the last one on our list of in network providers. One of the nice things about our medical coverage with VZW is that we have vision coverage. And, as it turns out, said coverage is actually pretty spectacular. After The Monkey's exam (which took over an hour) the optometrist said that he is far sighted. Not horribly so but since he's getting older his eye muscles are wanting to over-compensate for his vision impairment less and less. And the subsequent muscle strain of staring at a computer screen for eight to ten hours a day at work and then coming home and playing World of Warcraft for another three or four is taking its toll. Simply put: his muscles don't care to keep up with his demands anymore. So, glasses it is. They dilated his pupils (of course) so afterwards not only did he look like he'd dropped acid (or taken a couple of hits of Ecstasy) he also had horribly blurred vision for the next few hours. He bickered and complained when we tried to get him to pick out frames. We ("we" being the nurse and me) picked out a few pair and had him model. The first pair turned out to be our favorite. And, luckily, also the cheapest. The frames were $139.99. Then we went over lense options. VSP would've paid 100% of the lens cost if we'd gone with plastic. But plastic is notoriously heavy and scratches easily. So we paid the extra $25 for the polycarbonate. Our plan paid $115 for the frames and then an additional 20% off the remaining cost. So we paid something ridiculously silly for an otherwise pricey pair of frames; $18 if I remember right. Then the $25 for the lenses; $25 for our optometrist office visit copay; $20 for our medical copay (since she looked at the vessels in his eyes to be sure that the problem wasn't something brain related). Total cost: $89. Uh... I paid $200ish for my glasses two years ago! And that's not including the multiple visits to my opthamalogist. (I have other eye 'issues' that require me to see an opthamalogist instead of an optometrist.) So I'm glad that is resolved. We're hoping the glasses get here quickly but the lady did say 10 - 14 business days. UGH. (I also paid a little extra for convenience. I ordered and paid for and walked out with my new glasses within a couple of hours.)
My life is just full of excitment. It's high time that I schedule an appointment with a new psychiatrist. And a new therapist. I should also schedule an appointment with a specialist about my elbow. I'm still dealing with quite a bit of pain in my right elbow. It's been a good five months since this started. It was getting better until about two weeks ago when it started to get bad again. I refuse to just "deal" with the pain anymore.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
[insert long exasperated sigh]
My mood still isn't right. I just can't put my finger on it. I'm not overwhelmingly sad. I feel... flat. I don't feel like doing anything. Whatever.
I went to see my RE yesterday. I called them after my visit to the ER and they said I should be seen. Turns out their conclusion was identical to the ER's conclusion: pelvic inflammatory disease.
Color me stupid. PID is something people (myself included) almost always associate with STDs. And how on planet earth could I have gotten an STD?? I had a dream the night after the ER that The Monkey had cheated on me and given me an STD. And then he blatently told me he was tired of my "bullshit" and we were done. I woke myself up crying. And gave him the cold shoulder for part of the day. Haha.
But the nurse said with my "history" of problems that my endometrium probably grew out of control and I didn't have a proper period to get rid of all the tissue and fluid. And, basically, it got "backed up" and an infection ensued and then lots of horrible pain that I do not wish to experience ever again in my entire life. (I am not ashamed of the fact that if we ever do get pregnant that I will be planning on having an epidural. I really don't give a crap who thinks it's a "bad decision" because it's not their body and it won't be their kid so they can kiss my ass.)
Anyhow. The nurse said that should the pain continue I'd need to make an appointment with my RE directly so she could examine me herself and determine whether or not I'll need another lap in the near future. Or perhaps need to switch birth control pills. Or suppress my ovaries all together for the moment. (Not too keen on that last option.)
Infection is nothing to mess around with when it comes to the girly bits. Especially when my girly bits are already severely malfunctioning. So, despite the $100 copay that I have no means to pay (on top of The Monkey's $100 ER copay) I am glad I went to the ER.
For now, the pain has subsided. I started my new pack of birth control and, so far, have not had any of the twinges and cramps that I had with my last pack. So maybe that's a good sign.
I can't believe it's September already. I'm getting bummed because I don't think we're going to be able to afford Metallica tickets + gas to get to Tampa + a hotel for two nights. My parents are planning a Labor Day barbecue this Sunday. At least I have something to look forward to. I want to make some potato and macaroni salad. Sis is making baked beans. Mom and Dad are going to smoke a couple of Boston Butts and some ribs. And my dad's brother is going to bring fresh corn on the cob for the grill. Speaking of my dad's brother... he's been dating this woman for a while. She has a little boy... it's hard to judge how old he is because he's very small for his age but I think he's four going on five. The kid isn't potty trained yet. They really don't take good care of him. The live in a dilapidated trailer that has plywood floors and garbage everywhere. I don't think she works. My dad's brother is the "maintenance man" for this trailer park they live in (which is a deplorable area) and I'm not sure what he gets for it other than free rent for this barely liveable trailer. My dad tells me yesterday that she is pregnant. Not sure how far along but apparently she was already pregnant at our 4th of July barbecue. Not that you'd ever know because she was chain smoking her little cigars and drinking. So as if that's not bad enough, my mom tells me that the baby tested positive for trisomy 21. I can't believe this. They don't take care of the little boy she already has and now they are going to bring a special needs baby into this world into those living conditions?!?
I will never EVER as long as I live understand why people like them can procreate so easily and so many deserving couples can't conceive. It's not right.
So I'm going to try to put blinders on for the barbecue on Sunday. I'm really not keen on seeing a pregnant woman chain smoking cigarettes and gulping down booze. If you're selfish enough to get pregnant when you don't want to, at least have the decency to take care of yourself for fscks sake.
Whatever.
Now I need to go try and get motivated to shower and get dressed. I have to go see my pdoc to get a refill on my Lamictal. I think it's high time that I looked for another pdoc and a real therapist.
I went to see my RE yesterday. I called them after my visit to the ER and they said I should be seen. Turns out their conclusion was identical to the ER's conclusion: pelvic inflammatory disease.
Color me stupid. PID is something people (myself included) almost always associate with STDs. And how on planet earth could I have gotten an STD?? I had a dream the night after the ER that The Monkey had cheated on me and given me an STD. And then he blatently told me he was tired of my "bullshit" and we were done. I woke myself up crying. And gave him the cold shoulder for part of the day. Haha.
But the nurse said with my "history" of problems that my endometrium probably grew out of control and I didn't have a proper period to get rid of all the tissue and fluid. And, basically, it got "backed up" and an infection ensued and then lots of horrible pain that I do not wish to experience ever again in my entire life. (I am not ashamed of the fact that if we ever do get pregnant that I will be planning on having an epidural. I really don't give a crap who thinks it's a "bad decision" because it's not their body and it won't be their kid so they can kiss my ass.)
Anyhow. The nurse said that should the pain continue I'd need to make an appointment with my RE directly so she could examine me herself and determine whether or not I'll need another lap in the near future. Or perhaps need to switch birth control pills. Or suppress my ovaries all together for the moment. (Not too keen on that last option.)
Infection is nothing to mess around with when it comes to the girly bits. Especially when my girly bits are already severely malfunctioning. So, despite the $100 copay that I have no means to pay (on top of The Monkey's $100 ER copay) I am glad I went to the ER.
For now, the pain has subsided. I started my new pack of birth control and, so far, have not had any of the twinges and cramps that I had with my last pack. So maybe that's a good sign.
I can't believe it's September already. I'm getting bummed because I don't think we're going to be able to afford Metallica tickets + gas to get to Tampa + a hotel for two nights. My parents are planning a Labor Day barbecue this Sunday. At least I have something to look forward to. I want to make some potato and macaroni salad. Sis is making baked beans. Mom and Dad are going to smoke a couple of Boston Butts and some ribs. And my dad's brother is going to bring fresh corn on the cob for the grill. Speaking of my dad's brother... he's been dating this woman for a while. She has a little boy... it's hard to judge how old he is because he's very small for his age but I think he's four going on five. The kid isn't potty trained yet. They really don't take good care of him. The live in a dilapidated trailer that has plywood floors and garbage everywhere. I don't think she works. My dad's brother is the "maintenance man" for this trailer park they live in (which is a deplorable area) and I'm not sure what he gets for it other than free rent for this barely liveable trailer. My dad tells me yesterday that she is pregnant. Not sure how far along but apparently she was already pregnant at our 4th of July barbecue. Not that you'd ever know because she was chain smoking her little cigars and drinking. So as if that's not bad enough, my mom tells me that the baby tested positive for trisomy 21. I can't believe this. They don't take care of the little boy she already has and now they are going to bring a special needs baby into this world into those living conditions?!?
I will never EVER as long as I live understand why people like them can procreate so easily and so many deserving couples can't conceive. It's not right.
So I'm going to try to put blinders on for the barbecue on Sunday. I'm really not keen on seeing a pregnant woman chain smoking cigarettes and gulping down booze. If you're selfish enough to get pregnant when you don't want to, at least have the decency to take care of yourself for fscks sake.
Whatever.
Now I need to go try and get motivated to shower and get dressed. I have to go see my pdoc to get a refill on my Lamictal. I think it's high time that I looked for another pdoc and a real therapist.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
happy hearts and chocolate binge day...
Valentine's Day is such a commercial holiday. Christmas is barely over and all of the stores already have shelf upon shelf stuffed with pink and red and hearts and goofy stuffed animals galore. Bad High School experiences have left a foul taste in my mouth in regards to this "holiday". I remember the first year all of my friends were dating. They all paraded around carrying balloons and teddy bears and cards and chocolates. I never got anything and always felt like such a loser. Once I contemplated sending myself flowers or a candy gram or something in an effort to not feel so awkward. I didn't, though. I decided it was easier (and cheaper and definitely more fun) to skip school on V-day.
My feelings haven't changed much since then. I'm married now so I should be all excited about a holiday that is supposed to focus on 'love' and relationships. (Yeah, chocolate and expensive dinners are more like it.) But The Monkey lacks the 'romantic' gene. No, really. No card. No flowers. He did bring me home some candy that he got at work yesterday, though. And I bought him a card. But as far as gifts for any special occasion goes -- I buy it myself. For Valentine's Day this year I got my much coveted Coastal Scents 88 Color Eyeshadow Palette. And I am happy. I just [sometimes] wish that he would do something spontaneously. Buy me a flower (just a single rose or carnation or something -- I'm not asking for a dozen or anything!) just to be romantic. But he doesn't and he probably never will. And I still love him and that's really all that matters, right?
I did want to be festive this year. I like being festive for most holidays. So today I am wearing a pink striped shirt with a pretty matching lace camisole underneath. Oh oh! And matching pink striped socks. Oh yeah.
I better start thinking up something to do for our anniversary in April. I can't believe we will be married FIVE years. I'll make sure I give The Monkey plenty of notice as to what I would like for our anniversary. And hint that flowers and a card would be nice this year. Since it's a significant number and all that. (Jewelry would be spectacular but let's be serious.)
Screw Whitman's and Russel Stover this year. I wish we had the money to go out and buy a bottle of Cream de Cacoa and Godiva Chocolate Liqeur so I could get hammered on Chocolate Martinis. :P
My feelings haven't changed much since then. I'm married now so I should be all excited about a holiday that is supposed to focus on 'love' and relationships. (Yeah, chocolate and expensive dinners are more like it.) But The Monkey lacks the 'romantic' gene. No, really. No card. No flowers. He did bring me home some candy that he got at work yesterday, though. And I bought him a card. But as far as gifts for any special occasion goes -- I buy it myself. For Valentine's Day this year I got my much coveted Coastal Scents 88 Color Eyeshadow Palette. And I am happy. I just [sometimes] wish that he would do something spontaneously. Buy me a flower (just a single rose or carnation or something -- I'm not asking for a dozen or anything!) just to be romantic. But he doesn't and he probably never will. And I still love him and that's really all that matters, right?
I did want to be festive this year. I like being festive for most holidays. So today I am wearing a pink striped shirt with a pretty matching lace camisole underneath. Oh oh! And matching pink striped socks. Oh yeah.
I better start thinking up something to do for our anniversary in April. I can't believe we will be married FIVE years. I'll make sure I give The Monkey plenty of notice as to what I would like for our anniversary. And hint that flowers and a card would be nice this year. Since it's a significant number and all that. (Jewelry would be spectacular but let's be serious.)
Screw Whitman's and Russel Stover this year. I wish we had the money to go out and buy a bottle of Cream de Cacoa and Godiva Chocolate Liqeur so I could get hammered on Chocolate Martinis. :P
Monday, December 29, 2008
echoes from a hollow disarray
Oh 2008. You have definitely left me worse for the wear. Too many blind curves and sudden stops on shoddy breaks. Failures and disappointments. Too, too many steps in the wrong direction.
I am just oh-so-tired.
With all the shit that's been thrown at me during 2008, I'm not so sure that I'm ready to take on a new year. I don't know if I can handle being stabbed repeatedly by a fresh new year. I've become accustomed to the violent stabs from 2008 that they feel nothing more than pin pricks anymore. A fresh new year means fresh new wounds and pain and fear and doubt and and and...
I am just not ready.
I think in an attempt to feel well adjusted in this maladjusted existance I will ring in the new year with Chocolate Martinis. (Or Caramel Appletinis... whichever I can procure all the ingredients for easier.)
I am just oh-so-tired.
With all the shit that's been thrown at me during 2008, I'm not so sure that I'm ready to take on a new year. I don't know if I can handle being stabbed repeatedly by a fresh new year. I've become accustomed to the violent stabs from 2008 that they feel nothing more than pin pricks anymore. A fresh new year means fresh new wounds and pain and fear and doubt and and and...
I am just not ready.
I think in an attempt to feel well adjusted in this maladjusted existance I will ring in the new year with Chocolate Martinis. (Or Caramel Appletinis... whichever I can procure all the ingredients for easier.)
Friday, December 26, 2008
post-holiday wrap up...
We managed to get everything done on time for Christmas, somehow. I'm amazed that we did because we waited to wrap all the presents until...oh...about 9:30 PM on Christmas Eve. My sister and I didn't make it to bed until 3:00 AM and we were up by 7:00 because of the kids. Christmas day was nice enough. My sister bought me the Love Monkey Webkinz (yay!) and The Monkey his very own pair of slippers (he's been stealing the frilly, girly ones my mom bought me last Christmas). The kids made out like crazy. My oldest nephew especially as he wound up with some new clothes and shoes, a few accessories from The Monkey and me (belt, wallet with a chain, two wrist cuffs), a couple of XBox games, a Wii game, Guitar Hero World Tour for the Xbox, and an electric guitar! Lucky turd. :P As for the presents we gave everyone -- they were a huge hit! My mom was very happy with her eyeshadow and my sis loved her belly rings. Hooray! My dad was tickled to get a new pool cue and the kids all seemed to like their gifts as well. The Monkey got an Auburn sweatshirt from my parents and the slippers from my sister. He's been playing his gift from me for the past few days and is deliriously happy with it (World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King). I haven't tried out my new Urban Decay palette just yet but I'm planning on it this week. There's one color in particular that I'm curious about called Kiddie Pool. It's an 'ocean blue with iridescent glitter' and OH SO pretty. Pictures to follow, I'm sure. I wasn't able to obtain the limited edition Urban Decay Book of Shadows palette and I am thoroughly bummed that I didn't order it online as soon as I came across it. My sister is headed to Dallas for a week and she's going to try to find it in the Sephora stores out that way. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she finds it but not holding my breath. [eyeroll]
We spent Christmas morning opening presents and taking pictures, etc. Then we got dressed and prettied to go to my parents' house for Christmas dinner. Dinner was fantastic, as expected. We had ham, potato salad, macaroni salad, crab salad, baked beans, green bean casserole, butter beans, sweet potatoes, and Ooey Gooey Butter Cake for dessert. Everything was absolutely delicious and I wound up stuffing myself past capacity. Ugh. That's the one really bad thing about the holidays -- too much good food that I absolutely cannot resist. :-/ But oh well. We had quite a few people this year. My cousin showed up with his very pregnant wife. My cousin is unemployed; recently discharged from the Army due to a "personality flaw" or something like that. It's so irritating that the people that seem to "need" children the least are able to have them the easiest. So my holly jolly freaking mood was a bit strained on Christmas day. Can I PUH-LEASE have ONE freaking Christmas where I do not have to deal with someone that is pregnant or has recently given birth?? Yeah, Santa, that's what I want for Christmas 2009. Or I'd like to be pregnant myself, k'thx.
My mood has taken a downward turn, unfortunately. I knew it was inevitable but I was still hoping in the back of my mind that I could maintain the higher levels I've been running on lately. Not so much. The Monkey and I are having lunch with a friend tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to it because being around this person seems to amplify the negative feelings I have towards myself. It's not this person's fault; it's my own fscked up brain cooties. Quite frankly, just thinking about it puts me in a foul mood. Maybe it's hormones on parade... whatever it is, I just feel shitty. Fat, ugly, and useless. But what else is new? Fucking bipolar.
Bed now. Think later.
We spent Christmas morning opening presents and taking pictures, etc. Then we got dressed and prettied to go to my parents' house for Christmas dinner. Dinner was fantastic, as expected. We had ham, potato salad, macaroni salad, crab salad, baked beans, green bean casserole, butter beans, sweet potatoes, and Ooey Gooey Butter Cake for dessert. Everything was absolutely delicious and I wound up stuffing myself past capacity. Ugh. That's the one really bad thing about the holidays -- too much good food that I absolutely cannot resist. :-/ But oh well. We had quite a few people this year. My cousin showed up with his very pregnant wife. My cousin is unemployed; recently discharged from the Army due to a "personality flaw" or something like that. It's so irritating that the people that seem to "need" children the least are able to have them the easiest. So my holly jolly freaking mood was a bit strained on Christmas day. Can I PUH-LEASE have ONE freaking Christmas where I do not have to deal with someone that is pregnant or has recently given birth?? Yeah, Santa, that's what I want for Christmas 2009. Or I'd like to be pregnant myself, k'thx.
My mood has taken a downward turn, unfortunately. I knew it was inevitable but I was still hoping in the back of my mind that I could maintain the higher levels I've been running on lately. Not so much. The Monkey and I are having lunch with a friend tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to it because being around this person seems to amplify the negative feelings I have towards myself. It's not this person's fault; it's my own fscked up brain cooties. Quite frankly, just thinking about it puts me in a foul mood. Maybe it's hormones on parade... whatever it is, I just feel shitty. Fat, ugly, and useless. But what else is new? Fucking bipolar.
Bed now. Think later.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
holiday baking madness 2008
Back in 2002, my sister started a Christmas baking tradition. On a whim, she bought a few of those "holiday baking" magazines/cook book things and we thumbed through them together citing which recipes were drool-worthy (almost all of them) and which ones we just had to make. That year, my sister churned out Christmas cookies like a mad woman, even though she had just given birth to my nephew David just a month earlier. I think it served as a distraction to other things that were going on at the time. At any rate, the desserts that made the cut were Fudge Puddles, Cream Cheese Sugar Cookies, Chocolate Star Gingersnaps, Chocolate Covered Cherry Cookies, Chocolate Cherry Cheesecake (OMG, to die for), Snowballs (peanut butter balls coated in white chocolate), and White Fudge and Chocolate covered pretzels. She really went all out. I made Ginger Scones that year reminiscent of my Thanksgiving visit to California.
I haven't made Ginger Scones since but I did take up the tradition of homemade Christmas cookie baking in 2006. I scoured the Internet and found the recipes that my sister had used for all the cookies she'd baked and dutifully churned out cookies all day long while somehow maintaining a holly jolly mood. I even baked about 10 dozen (no joke) of rolled sugar cookies for the kids to decorate. (Which I wound up decorating by myself because the kids never showed up.) Needless to say, the cookies were a huge hit with the family and not a single crumb went to waste.
Last year's cookie-baking-palooza wasn't nearly as involved. I decided to forego the sugar cookies because I wasn't up for rolling them out or decorating them. My niece, Deborah, spent the day at the trailer with Tony, Scott, and me and helped me bake a few dozen Fudge Puddles, Chocolate Star Gingersnaps, pecan, pumpkin, and Tollhouse chocolate chip pies. It's understandable that I wasn't really in a particularly holly jolly mood last Christmas. The thought that I should've been huge with a overbearing baby belly simply got the best of my Christmas spirit. I just didn't have it in me.
This year I went all out (again). I started baking at noon today and I am just now sitting down for the first time in about nine hours. My feet are killing me, my back hurts, I desperately need to shower and brush my teeth (which feel a little fuzzy from the bits of taste testing I did today), and I definitely need to pop a muscle relaxer and a Lortab to rid myself of the headache that is threatening to incapcitate me. Overall, though, I feel very accomplished. We have roughly eight dozen Chocolate Star Gingersnaps, six dozen Chocolate Covered Cherry Cookies, two and a half dozen of Cream Cheese Sugar Cookies, and four dozen Fudge Puddles. All baked, cooled, and placed neatly in festive tins. Michelle and I are going to finish baking probably about six dozen more Cream Cheese Sugar Cookies tomorrow. I prepared several bags of Royal Icing in various colors for the kids to use to decorate the sugar cookies. I am also planning to bake two Ooey Gooey Butter Cakes tomorrow along with some Peanut Butter cookies for my dad and regular old Chocolate Chip cookies for Tony. Michelle is going to bake her Chocolate Cherry Cheesecake and make Oreo Truffles tomorrow as well.
Despite all my aches and pains, I did have a good day. I played and sang along with Christmas music. I wore festive knee socks with my green capri sweats and a red t-shirt. And, best of all, I know that my family will go ga-ga over my hard labor when they decidedly devour my cookies en masse. May they all gain a good 15 pounds this Christmas on me!
And, just for fun, I took some pictures to commemorate my cookie-baking endeavors...
Me, as is. (Haven't showered, no makeup, hair a wreck... yikes!)
Festive feets! (I <3 my socks!)
I used an entire bottle of vanilla extract, five pounds of white sugar, two pounds of brown sugar, three pounds of butter, a pound of cream cheese, three pounds of confectioner's sugar, two jars of maraschino cherries (stems on, please), and five pounds of flour. Just to name a few...
This is what my cats were doing while I was busting my arse in the kitchen...
Jasmine
Olivia
William
Chocolate Star Gingersnaps in the making...
Chocolate Star Gingernaps getting ready for the oven...
Chocolate Star Gingersnaps all done! Don't they look yummy? They are my favorite!
Choclate Covered Cherry Cookie dough
Chocolate Covered Cherry Cookies all done! C'mon, I know you're drooling!
Fudge Puddles sans the "fudge puddle" part. (Basically a peanut butter cookie base.)
Fudge Puddles all done! They are sinfully delightful.
Michelle rolling out Cream Cheese Sugar Cookies. (She took care of the part of baking sugar cookies that I hate!)
Fun with food coloring and Royal Icing
A few of the finished Cream Cheese Sugar Cookies. (I frosted one of the stars for fun. :P)
Michelle being goofy with the Chocolate Covered Cherry cookies. (I did the cookie part, she put on the finishing touches. It was a group effort!)
My sister -- the Martha Stewart wannabe (sans the stint in jail, of course).
I haven't made Ginger Scones since but I did take up the tradition of homemade Christmas cookie baking in 2006. I scoured the Internet and found the recipes that my sister had used for all the cookies she'd baked and dutifully churned out cookies all day long while somehow maintaining a holly jolly mood. I even baked about 10 dozen (no joke) of rolled sugar cookies for the kids to decorate. (Which I wound up decorating by myself because the kids never showed up.) Needless to say, the cookies were a huge hit with the family and not a single crumb went to waste.
Last year's cookie-baking-palooza wasn't nearly as involved. I decided to forego the sugar cookies because I wasn't up for rolling them out or decorating them. My niece, Deborah, spent the day at the trailer with Tony, Scott, and me and helped me bake a few dozen Fudge Puddles, Chocolate Star Gingersnaps, pecan, pumpkin, and Tollhouse chocolate chip pies. It's understandable that I wasn't really in a particularly holly jolly mood last Christmas. The thought that I should've been huge with a overbearing baby belly simply got the best of my Christmas spirit. I just didn't have it in me.
This year I went all out (again). I started baking at noon today and I am just now sitting down for the first time in about nine hours. My feet are killing me, my back hurts, I desperately need to shower and brush my teeth (which feel a little fuzzy from the bits of taste testing I did today), and I definitely need to pop a muscle relaxer and a Lortab to rid myself of the headache that is threatening to incapcitate me. Overall, though, I feel very accomplished. We have roughly eight dozen Chocolate Star Gingersnaps, six dozen Chocolate Covered Cherry Cookies, two and a half dozen of Cream Cheese Sugar Cookies, and four dozen Fudge Puddles. All baked, cooled, and placed neatly in festive tins. Michelle and I are going to finish baking probably about six dozen more Cream Cheese Sugar Cookies tomorrow. I prepared several bags of Royal Icing in various colors for the kids to use to decorate the sugar cookies. I am also planning to bake two Ooey Gooey Butter Cakes tomorrow along with some Peanut Butter cookies for my dad and regular old Chocolate Chip cookies for Tony. Michelle is going to bake her Chocolate Cherry Cheesecake and make Oreo Truffles tomorrow as well.
Despite all my aches and pains, I did have a good day. I played and sang along with Christmas music. I wore festive knee socks with my green capri sweats and a red t-shirt. And, best of all, I know that my family will go ga-ga over my hard labor when they decidedly devour my cookies en masse. May they all gain a good 15 pounds this Christmas on me!
And, just for fun, I took some pictures to commemorate my cookie-baking endeavors...
Me, as is. (Haven't showered, no makeup, hair a wreck... yikes!)
Festive feets! (I <3 my socks!)
I used an entire bottle of vanilla extract, five pounds of white sugar, two pounds of brown sugar, three pounds of butter, a pound of cream cheese, three pounds of confectioner's sugar, two jars of maraschino cherries (stems on, please), and five pounds of flour. Just to name a few...
This is what my cats were doing while I was busting my arse in the kitchen...
Jasmine
Olivia
William
Chocolate Star Gingersnaps in the making...
Chocolate Star Gingernaps getting ready for the oven...
Chocolate Star Gingersnaps all done! Don't they look yummy? They are my favorite!
Choclate Covered Cherry Cookie dough
Chocolate Covered Cherry Cookies all done! C'mon, I know you're drooling!
Fudge Puddles sans the "fudge puddle" part. (Basically a peanut butter cookie base.)
Fudge Puddles all done! They are sinfully delightful.
Michelle rolling out Cream Cheese Sugar Cookies. (She took care of the part of baking sugar cookies that I hate!)
Fun with food coloring and Royal Icing
A few of the finished Cream Cheese Sugar Cookies. (I frosted one of the stars for fun. :P)
Michelle being goofy with the Chocolate Covered Cherry cookies. (I did the cookie part, she put on the finishing touches. It was a group effort!)
My sister -- the Martha Stewart wannabe (sans the stint in jail, of course).
Thursday, December 11, 2008
ride the walrus!
I've been riding a nice steady wave of mild hypomania for days. It broke briefly on my birthday during which I sobbed uncontrollably for an hour before pasting a fake smile on my face long enough for my husband, sister and family to sing me happy birthday and eat cake and icecream. I must say that it's a pleasant change from my 'norm' which tends more toward depressive states rittled with anxiety and aggression/irritibility.
I did something kinda, sorta stupid today. I went shopping. ACK! I had a nice time with my sister, though. I woke up super early (after only a few hours of sleep) and got dressed, primped and pressed for a day of shopping in Dothan. We hit up Target first (hooray for Starbucks!) and then we went to Kohl's, Walmart, Old Navy, and the mall. Honestly, as far as manic-fueled shopping sprees go, this one was pretty tame. I found some PJs on sale at Target, a car charger for my iPod for $5 bucks, and two three packs of Argyle socks for $6 bucks each at Target. I followed my sister around in Kohl's and managed to distract myself from their massive pre-Christmas everything sale (jewelry, clothes, and shoes... oh my!) by playing the hand-held game 20Q - TV Edition. In Walmart I found a pair of Happy Bunny fleece PJs but managed to talk myself out of them. In Old Navy - my infinite weakness because I love their clothes AND I have an Old Navy credit card - I managed to walk out only spending $10 on a really cute long-sleeved t-shirt. What can I say, it was on sale, and the last one they had and it just so happened to be in my size. It was totally meant to be, damnit! I was doing fabulously well controlling myself in the mall until we went into Pacific Sun. On the surface, it appears to be a skinny-girl store but their XL tops actually fit me! So, I wound up buying four v-neck long sleeved t-shirts there, too. They were only $6 bucks a piece so it really wasn't a horrible expenditure either. All in all, I spent around $55 bucks, total.
Try as I may, I have been completely unable to find a bathrobe ANYWHERE. I looked in Target, Walmart, Kohl's, JC Penney's, Old Navy, and Dillards and all I can manage to find are fleece house coats! UGH. I want a bathrobe made of terry cloth so I can throw it on right out of the shower while I'm still wet and use it as nature intended -- as a robe-shaped bath towel. My current bathrobe is falling apart and doesn't quite close around my body since I've gained about 20 pounds since Tony bought it for me. But whatever.
Shopping isn't quite finished. I didn't get any Christmas shopping done today, unfortunately. I think I'm going to buy my sister a couple of belly rings, my mom a couple of Urban Decay eyeshadows, my niece some pajamas (at her request), my nephew a DVD (The Dark Knight), my other nephew a Nirvana hoodie, The Monkey World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King and a new 60 game pass, Madison a toy or an outfit, and my dad a gift card. I'll have to consult with my sister to figure out something for my BIL. Oy.
In other news, I found a couple of my good friends from High School on Facebook yesterday! I was freaking ecstatic to finally get in touch with them after more than five years! I didn't have many friends in High School but the few that I did have were really wonderful and it's nice to be in touch with them after all these years.
Hmm. Time to go lie down and curl up under the covers. It's freaking COLD out tonight! Very windy with some rain. Not bad holiday weather for LA ('Lower Alabama'). Tomorrow is Friday (already!) and I need to buckle down and knock out my homework so I can clear my schedule for finals this coming week. Thank goodness we have a two week break after these classes! It's definitely needed.
I hope I can sleep tonight. I have a sneaking suspicion that my hypomanic 'wave' is being fueled by sleep deprivation. :-P
I did something kinda, sorta stupid today. I went shopping. ACK! I had a nice time with my sister, though. I woke up super early (after only a few hours of sleep) and got dressed, primped and pressed for a day of shopping in Dothan. We hit up Target first (hooray for Starbucks!) and then we went to Kohl's, Walmart, Old Navy, and the mall. Honestly, as far as manic-fueled shopping sprees go, this one was pretty tame. I found some PJs on sale at Target, a car charger for my iPod for $5 bucks, and two three packs of Argyle socks for $6 bucks each at Target. I followed my sister around in Kohl's and managed to distract myself from their massive pre-Christmas everything sale (jewelry, clothes, and shoes... oh my!) by playing the hand-held game 20Q - TV Edition. In Walmart I found a pair of Happy Bunny fleece PJs but managed to talk myself out of them. In Old Navy - my infinite weakness because I love their clothes AND I have an Old Navy credit card - I managed to walk out only spending $10 on a really cute long-sleeved t-shirt. What can I say, it was on sale, and the last one they had and it just so happened to be in my size. It was totally meant to be, damnit! I was doing fabulously well controlling myself in the mall until we went into Pacific Sun. On the surface, it appears to be a skinny-girl store but their XL tops actually fit me! So, I wound up buying four v-neck long sleeved t-shirts there, too. They were only $6 bucks a piece so it really wasn't a horrible expenditure either. All in all, I spent around $55 bucks, total.
Try as I may, I have been completely unable to find a bathrobe ANYWHERE. I looked in Target, Walmart, Kohl's, JC Penney's, Old Navy, and Dillards and all I can manage to find are fleece house coats! UGH. I want a bathrobe made of terry cloth so I can throw it on right out of the shower while I'm still wet and use it as nature intended -- as a robe-shaped bath towel. My current bathrobe is falling apart and doesn't quite close around my body since I've gained about 20 pounds since Tony bought it for me. But whatever.
Shopping isn't quite finished. I didn't get any Christmas shopping done today, unfortunately. I think I'm going to buy my sister a couple of belly rings, my mom a couple of Urban Decay eyeshadows, my niece some pajamas (at her request), my nephew a DVD (The Dark Knight), my other nephew a Nirvana hoodie, The Monkey World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King and a new 60 game pass, Madison a toy or an outfit, and my dad a gift card. I'll have to consult with my sister to figure out something for my BIL. Oy.
In other news, I found a couple of my good friends from High School on Facebook yesterday! I was freaking ecstatic to finally get in touch with them after more than five years! I didn't have many friends in High School but the few that I did have were really wonderful and it's nice to be in touch with them after all these years.
Hmm. Time to go lie down and curl up under the covers. It's freaking COLD out tonight! Very windy with some rain. Not bad holiday weather for LA ('Lower Alabama'). Tomorrow is Friday (already!) and I need to buckle down and knock out my homework so I can clear my schedule for finals this coming week. Thank goodness we have a two week break after these classes! It's definitely needed.
I hope I can sleep tonight. I have a sneaking suspicion that my hypomanic 'wave' is being fueled by sleep deprivation. :-P
Thursday, December 4, 2008
do you believe in magic?
Last year my niece's teacher introduced her class to a tradition known as "Santa's Elves". Basically, mom and dad buy a stuffed elf for their child and the elf "arrives" at the child's house shortly after Thanksgiving. The elf is then known for doing little things for the kids (like making their beds or leaving candy) and reports back to Santa on whether the child has been naughty or nice. :) The full story is here. So this year my sister decided to do the elf thing for my niece and my nephew. Earlier today, as a joke, I picked up both stuffed elves and started throwing them around. Needless to say, my niece and nephew were both upset with me. Oops. :-/ My niece was afraid that I'd chased the elves back to the North Pole and she was particularly upset. So I ran into some Naughty and Nice Hershey's Kisses in Rite Aid this afternoon and came up with a brilliant idea. I came home from the store and snuck into my niece's and nephew's rooms and placed a single "Nice" kiss on their pillows. Then I placed a single "Naughty" kiss on my pillow (and my sister's oldest son's because he keeps trying to convince the kids that the elves aren't real -- the turd). The "Nice" kisses are wrapped in silver foil and say "Nice" on the ribbon while the "Naughty" kisses are wrapped in black foil and say "Naughty" on the ribbon. [snicker] They were both tickled pink when they discovered their elves had left the kisses. It's nice to spread Christmas cheer. :)
In other news, my ear is freaking killing me. UGH. It's just about time for some drops and a nice dose of Lortab to ease my suffering. Mmm... narcotics. :-P It's also about time to experiment with my new Waver. I've decided to let my hair grow out (yet again) and I've also taking a liking to adding some "natural" curl to my hair instead of straightening it. We'll see how this thing works. So far it seems a little awkward to hold/use so it may be going back to the store.
In other news, my ear is freaking killing me. UGH. It's just about time for some drops and a nice dose of Lortab to ease my suffering. Mmm... narcotics. :-P It's also about time to experiment with my new Waver. I've decided to let my hair grow out (yet again) and I've also taking a liking to adding some "natural" curl to my hair instead of straightening it. We'll see how this thing works. So far it seems a little awkward to hold/use so it may be going back to the store.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
this, that, and the other
So I actually enjoyed Twilight quite a bit. The book wasn't really all that great on the descriptive side of things so instead of going to the movie and saying "Yes! That's exactly how I pictured Bella and Edward!" I was more or less going "Ah...yeah, that's about what I pictured they'd look like." The movie followed the book for the most part but since I'd just finished reading the book the night before we saw the movie I kept whispering to The Monkey "That so is not how it happened in the book." whenever something went way off track. I am sure I got on his nerves once or twice, but oh well. :-P
After reading the first two books, I will admit to being completely hooked. It was more or less the compulsive desire to hear the rest of the story. I finished New Moon late Sunday evening and went to Wal-Mart Monday morning to get the third book, Eclipse. Wouldn't you know it, after the movie came out people flocked to Wal-Mart and bought all the books from the series! Wal-Mart was completely cleaened out. I was so anxious to read the following two installments that I drug my sister to Dothan to go to Barnes & Noble at 5:30 in the evening. It was nice to take a trip out without The Monkey breathing down my neck. Barnes & Noble is adjacent to Ulta. My last two trips to Dothan were with The Monkey and he absolutely WILL NOT allow me to enter that store. (For the record, he has good reason. Ulta quickly became a big vice for me last Christmas. [meep!]) So Michelle and I, after my gleeful purchase at B&N, walked next door and oogled all the girlie goodies in Ulta. I wound up buying Urban Decay's Brow Box in Brown Sugar. I had my eyebrows waxed about two weeks ago and the girl that did them was a little over-zealous with the plucking. (I knew I should've waited for the girl that did them last time as she did a phenomenal job. Live and learn, I suppose.) At any rate, my right brow was marginally shorter and thinner than my left. The brow kit I bought not only solved that problem but also made me take notice of how much difference enhancing your eyebrows can make! At least my manic spending spree wasn't severely over the top. :-P
Thanksgiving was a nice change of pace this year. We had less guests than last year so it wasn't as busy. I helped my mom prepare a lot of the more time consuming dishes on Wednesday as well as finishing up the baking. So Thursday was pretty leisurely as far as holiday madness goes. Dinner was, as expected, fantastic. I ate WAY too much for my own good, I'm sure. My Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Pie was to die for as was my aunt's pumpkin pie (made with fresh pumpkin) and my sister's Pumpkin Dump Cake. I'm sure I gained a solid five pounds in two days. I'm staying off the scale, though. I read quite a bit while everyone mulled around in the garage. I became quite engrossed in Breaking Dawn and it was difficult to put it down long enough to socialize with the family. So now the countdown 'til Christmas begins. I'm still feeling uneasy about the holidays this year. I'm fully expecting to fall into a rapid downward spiral. Post-holiday blues. Then again, I should be on meds by then so who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky.
My niece turned a year old this past Tuesday. We haven't celebrated with cake and singing Happy Birthday yet because she's been sick. She started running a fever on Friday and when it hadn't let up by Monday my sister took her to the pediatrician. She was diagnosed with a double ear infection and given a course of antibiotics. The poor thing hasn't been herself at all. She's been up at night wanting to nurse (even though she doesn't nurse much at all these days) mostly for comfort. She's not the smiley, happy baby that we're all accustomed to. And she's been napping almost constantly! On Tuesday she woke up around 9:00 and was back out by 10:00 and slept until 1:00-ish. Poor baby! So Michelle is planning on baking her a cake and doing the 'birthday thing' sometime this week. She did enjoy her first Thanksgiving, though! :-)
Speaking of birthdays, mine is right around the corner. I'm not sure what we're doing (if we do anything at all, that is). I was contemplating drinking myself into oblivion. One last hurrah before I'm back on meds and have to stay away from alcohol indefinitely. One year closer to the big three-oh. Sometimes I don't feel as old as I am. Other times (like when we went to see Twilight and I was surrounded by people at least 10 years younger than me) I really, really feel it.
After reading the first two books, I will admit to being completely hooked. It was more or less the compulsive desire to hear the rest of the story. I finished New Moon late Sunday evening and went to Wal-Mart Monday morning to get the third book, Eclipse. Wouldn't you know it, after the movie came out people flocked to Wal-Mart and bought all the books from the series! Wal-Mart was completely cleaened out. I was so anxious to read the following two installments that I drug my sister to Dothan to go to Barnes & Noble at 5:30 in the evening. It was nice to take a trip out without The Monkey breathing down my neck. Barnes & Noble is adjacent to Ulta. My last two trips to Dothan were with The Monkey and he absolutely WILL NOT allow me to enter that store. (For the record, he has good reason. Ulta quickly became a big vice for me last Christmas. [meep!]) So Michelle and I, after my gleeful purchase at B&N, walked next door and oogled all the girlie goodies in Ulta. I wound up buying Urban Decay's Brow Box in Brown Sugar. I had my eyebrows waxed about two weeks ago and the girl that did them was a little over-zealous with the plucking. (I knew I should've waited for the girl that did them last time as she did a phenomenal job. Live and learn, I suppose.) At any rate, my right brow was marginally shorter and thinner than my left. The brow kit I bought not only solved that problem but also made me take notice of how much difference enhancing your eyebrows can make! At least my manic spending spree wasn't severely over the top. :-P
Thanksgiving was a nice change of pace this year. We had less guests than last year so it wasn't as busy. I helped my mom prepare a lot of the more time consuming dishes on Wednesday as well as finishing up the baking. So Thursday was pretty leisurely as far as holiday madness goes. Dinner was, as expected, fantastic. I ate WAY too much for my own good, I'm sure. My Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Pie was to die for as was my aunt's pumpkin pie (made with fresh pumpkin) and my sister's Pumpkin Dump Cake. I'm sure I gained a solid five pounds in two days. I'm staying off the scale, though. I read quite a bit while everyone mulled around in the garage. I became quite engrossed in Breaking Dawn and it was difficult to put it down long enough to socialize with the family. So now the countdown 'til Christmas begins. I'm still feeling uneasy about the holidays this year. I'm fully expecting to fall into a rapid downward spiral. Post-holiday blues. Then again, I should be on meds by then so who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky.
My niece turned a year old this past Tuesday. We haven't celebrated with cake and singing Happy Birthday yet because she's been sick. She started running a fever on Friday and when it hadn't let up by Monday my sister took her to the pediatrician. She was diagnosed with a double ear infection and given a course of antibiotics. The poor thing hasn't been herself at all. She's been up at night wanting to nurse (even though she doesn't nurse much at all these days) mostly for comfort. She's not the smiley, happy baby that we're all accustomed to. And she's been napping almost constantly! On Tuesday she woke up around 9:00 and was back out by 10:00 and slept until 1:00-ish. Poor baby! So Michelle is planning on baking her a cake and doing the 'birthday thing' sometime this week. She did enjoy her first Thanksgiving, though! :-)
Speaking of birthdays, mine is right around the corner. I'm not sure what we're doing (if we do anything at all, that is). I was contemplating drinking myself into oblivion. One last hurrah before I'm back on meds and have to stay away from alcohol indefinitely. One year closer to the big three-oh. Sometimes I don't feel as old as I am. Other times (like when we went to see Twilight and I was surrounded by people at least 10 years younger than me) I really, really feel it.
Monday, November 3, 2008
The third month that ends in 'ber'
So, Halloween was completely yawn-worthy this year. My parents decided against the traditional Halloween party which really bummed me out. So no nifty costumes or jell-o shots or cute Halloween-themed cupcakes this year. Nope. Just a night hanging out with Tony's brother and niece for a little while and lots of crying and general moodiness during the day. Now Christmas is on the way and I'm just sure to crash into severe depression. I do every year and I just know this year is going to be worse because we don't have money to spend on gifts which usually helps alleviate some of the holiday blues. But oh well. I did get to carve a pumpkin and I did show my Halloween spirit by wearing black and orange. (Plus I found a wicked-cool eyeshadow tutorial for smokey orange eyes and I must say that I think it turned out pretty kick-ass.) The kids went trick-or-treating and their costumes looked really good.
I'm 28 in a month and two days. So close to 30 that I am really starting to feel it. (Not that being 30 is a bad thing or anything. I just feel very under accomplished for someone reaching the "big" three-oh.) Some days I feel okay with not being pregnant (or having a child) yet. Then there are days where I remember that this would've been our baby's first Halloween (and first Thanksgiving, and first Christmas... etc, etc). And the fact that we won't be embarking back on our TTC journey for a long time just doesn't help. But whatever.
I have an appointment with our county's Mental Health service on Thursday. This appointment is strictly eval and therapy. I'm not sure when I'll actually get to see their pdoc and talk about meds. They do not offer free services (contrary to what the SSA told me) but they do offer a sliding scale payment method based on income. So we'll find out how much it's going to cost on Thursday. Hopefully I'll like the therapist and the pdoc because they only have a few of the former and ONE of the latter. I guess it can't be any worse than my usual pdoc in Dothan.
My moods are everywhere. I sleep a lot and then I can't sleep sometimes at all. Here lately I've been drugging myself with Xanax when I look at the clock and see that it's 3:00 AM and all the TV channels are going to "Paid Programming" and I notice that I'm desperately awake. Trying not to throw/break things or hurt myself. Trying to supress the urge to verbally wish myself dead. Wishing my life meant something significant or served some greater purpose. And again... whatever.
I'm 28 in a month and two days. So close to 30 that I am really starting to feel it. (Not that being 30 is a bad thing or anything. I just feel very under accomplished for someone reaching the "big" three-oh.) Some days I feel okay with not being pregnant (or having a child) yet. Then there are days where I remember that this would've been our baby's first Halloween (and first Thanksgiving, and first Christmas... etc, etc). And the fact that we won't be embarking back on our TTC journey for a long time just doesn't help. But whatever.
I have an appointment with our county's Mental Health service on Thursday. This appointment is strictly eval and therapy. I'm not sure when I'll actually get to see their pdoc and talk about meds. They do not offer free services (contrary to what the SSA told me) but they do offer a sliding scale payment method based on income. So we'll find out how much it's going to cost on Thursday. Hopefully I'll like the therapist and the pdoc because they only have a few of the former and ONE of the latter. I guess it can't be any worse than my usual pdoc in Dothan.
My moods are everywhere. I sleep a lot and then I can't sleep sometimes at all. Here lately I've been drugging myself with Xanax when I look at the clock and see that it's 3:00 AM and all the TV channels are going to "Paid Programming" and I notice that I'm desperately awake. Trying not to throw/break things or hurt myself. Trying to supress the urge to verbally wish myself dead. Wishing my life meant something significant or served some greater purpose. And again... whatever.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
so much to so little
Christmas is almost over. I wasn't really feeling it this year. Last year I baked cookies and slaved over pies. I pitched in with dinner. I was so...holly jolly it was cliché.
Not this year. I guess I'm just tired. Tired that my life is so fulfilling but I can't appreciate it fully because of what I lack. I hate being like this. It's not a healthy way to live but I really can't seem to get past wanting a baby. (More like, wanting a family with my husband.)
It all sort of hit at once. I was successfully suppressing everything. I had a few too many Tom Collins this weekend with my brother-in-law and my dad. (Tony was DD so I could drink.) I relaxed. Or at least I tried to. I drowned everything in a overflow of material things and family comraderie. It was working until this evening when I went to make the "rounds" on the Internet and read my LJ friends' page and saw a pregnancy announcement. Needless to say, I bawled. It's not that I'm not happy for her, because I am, but some pregnancy announcements just sting quite a bit more than others. Any this time of year are going to be extra-sucktastic. Throw in the recent negative beta, starting my period the day before Christmas, and my expected due date coming up and I was really just bound to implode.
I said this last year and I hope it's a lot truer this year than last... 2008 has got to be better than 2007, right?
Maybe I'll get a nice raise this week.
For now, I'm going to take as many muscle relaxers as my body will feasibly tolerate and sleep, sleep, sleep.
Not this year. I guess I'm just tired. Tired that my life is so fulfilling but I can't appreciate it fully because of what I lack. I hate being like this. It's not a healthy way to live but I really can't seem to get past wanting a baby. (More like, wanting a family with my husband.)
It all sort of hit at once. I was successfully suppressing everything. I had a few too many Tom Collins this weekend with my brother-in-law and my dad. (Tony was DD so I could drink.) I relaxed. Or at least I tried to. I drowned everything in a overflow of material things and family comraderie. It was working until this evening when I went to make the "rounds" on the Internet and read my LJ friends' page and saw a pregnancy announcement. Needless to say, I bawled. It's not that I'm not happy for her, because I am, but some pregnancy announcements just sting quite a bit more than others. Any this time of year are going to be extra-sucktastic. Throw in the recent negative beta, starting my period the day before Christmas, and my expected due date coming up and I was really just bound to implode.
I said this last year and I hope it's a lot truer this year than last... 2008 has got to be better than 2007, right?
Maybe I'll get a nice raise this week.
For now, I'm going to take as many muscle relaxers as my body will feasibly tolerate and sleep, sleep, sleep.
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