One little, two little...

Eyes wide shut. Ready, set, go.

Down the hatch.... one, two, three.

(I was never the escape artist you always assumed I was...)

Mouth wide open - no sound. Ready, set, go.

Down the hatch... four, five, six.

I'm hiding from the inevitable truth: it's all going to end, one way or another.

Down the hatch... seven, eight, nine.

So much peril for one little girl. So much turmoil for one tattered soul. Aching, longing... needing, dying. One last breath. Here I go.

I'll wreck this coming down like the Apocalypse

I haven't been to work all week. Had a mild headache - excuse #1. Threw up in the middle of the night - excuse #2. This morning, I threw all of my excuses out the window and just didn't go. From the way I feel, I'm pretty confident that I'm running a fever, though. We'll use that as excuse #3.

No, it certainly can't have anything to do with being stuck in this bottomless pit of despair. Definitely not. NO way NO how.

I don't know how much longer I can "play" the part of "useful member of society" without cracking. At the rate I'm going, it'll be all I can manage to keep myself out of the hospital.

So scared, in desperate need for human connection. Someone to talk to; share these dark feelings with.

Obsession begetting obsession. These days are running out faster than the sky meeting the ground during a torrential downpour.

The point of no return. A plea for someone to just save me from myself.

so much to so little

Christmas is almost over. I wasn't really feeling it this year. Last year I baked cookies and slaved over pies. I pitched in with dinner. I was so...holly jolly it was cliché.

Not this year. I guess I'm just tired. Tired that my life is so fulfilling but I can't appreciate it fully because of what I lack. I hate being like this. It's not a healthy way to live but I really can't seem to get past wanting a baby. (More like, wanting a family with my husband.)

It all sort of hit at once. I was successfully suppressing everything. I had a few too many Tom Collins this weekend with my brother-in-law and my dad. (Tony was DD so I could drink.) I relaxed. Or at least I tried to. I drowned everything in a overflow of material things and family comraderie. It was working until this evening when I went to make the "rounds" on the Internet and read my LJ friends' page and saw a pregnancy announcement. Needless to say, I bawled. It's not that I'm not happy for her, because I am, but some pregnancy announcements just sting quite a bit more than others. Any this time of year are going to be extra-sucktastic. Throw in the recent negative beta, starting my period the day before Christmas, and my expected due date coming up and I was really just bound to implode.

I said this last year and I hope it's a lot truer this year than last... 2008 has got to be better than 2007, right?

Maybe I'll get a nice raise this week.

For now, I'm going to take as many muscle relaxers as my body will feasibly tolerate and sleep, sleep, sleep.

stories of Christmas past

I have this tendency to reinvent myself every so often. I don't know if it's because I am living with a serious identity crisis or whether it's part of my being mentally interesting or what...

About six and a half years ago I met my best friend through a website called The Garage. It was an online refuge for teens struggling with all flavors of mental illness from bipolar disorder to multiple personality disorder to "simple" clinical depression and anxiety. My BFF and I shared a common thread before we ever realized it - we both have bipolar disorder. She fought off any sort of treatment and thus diagnosis for years and years until she finally gave in and started seeing a therapist and shrink on a regular basis. Now she's on appropriate meds and seeing a talk therapist regularly.

I, on the other hand, have been medicated since I turned 19. (Courtesy of my paranoid parents who thought happiness came in pill form. Personally, at the time, I felt happiness came in a bottle. A vodka bottle to be specific. I spent a year of my late teens perpetually wasted to the point when people would ask about me they would refer to me as "that drunk girl". Nice, huh?)

I was a pretty screwed up kid and an even more screwed up teenager. When I became a 'young adult' and moved into my own place, things just got worse. I was seeing a shrink and took my meds faithfully but I still seemed to be spiraling out of control. I had no one to monitor me 24/7 anymore so I pretty much did what ever the hell I wanted. I got mixed up in all sorts of bad relationships, some that I'm not very proud of. I replaced alcohol with weed and ecstasy. Oh, yeah, and lots of sex. I stayed suicidal and depressed for the most part. But sometimes I felt on top of the world and loved everything and everyone in sight! Nothing could stop me! Those were the days that I loved to gather up all my friends in my 1982 Mercedes (aka The Green Beast) and fly down the Autobahn to Nürnburg to blow my entire paycheck. Oftentimes I spent my rent money.

If I knew then what I know now, life may not have gotten so out of control. Maybe I wouldn't have had to spend a week on the crazy ward in 2001 for a suicide attempt. Maybe I wouldn't have as many scars as I have now because maybe, just maybe, I would've stopped cutting a lot sooner than I did.

Then again.

These former selves of mine like to remind me that they're still a part of me. I still long to be that punk-rocker, crazy girl that blows bubbles at random strangers and dances in the snow at 3:00 AM in the middle of January. I'm still that girl I'm just a little bit older, a tiny bit wiser, and a lot less selfish than she used to be.

To be perfectly honest... I'm doing nothing more than waiting to break free.

nothing is as real as it seems

I can't count how many times I've gone through depression and yet it still feels so incredibly foreign. Who is this person that can't motivate herself to get up in the morning and walk out the door? Who is this girl that takes too many Demerol and muscle relaxers just so she doesn't have to feel? Where did her happiness go?

Happiness is not supposed to come in a bottle.

I'm groggy and fighting to stay alive awake. These are such perilous times.Now what?

fuck it all

At 10 DPO in April I had a BFP instantly on a good HPT. Nothing today. So I'm pretty much over this cycle. I'm so sick of my body. Sick to death of it.

I'm going to go take a Demerol and hopefully sleep for a few days.

I hate the fucking holidays.

the curse of the oompa loompa

If you've ever seen Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory (the original) you remember Veruca Salt and her demanding nature. "But I want an Oompa Loompa now!" This line spawned what one of my friends calls Oompa Loompa syndrome. Simply not having the patience to wait on what you want.

I can't really say I have Oompa Loompa syndrome when it comes to TTC. After all, I've been 4 years and 8 months worth of patient, haven't I? But I find myself growing increasingly impatient these days. I want my BFP and I want it NOW.

It doesn't look like Christmas is going to be extra special this year. I took a dollar tree test and an Answer early result and both were stark white. Foiled again. Ok, ok... I'm only 9 DPO and that gives me a few more days to get my BFP. I'm not expecting any miracles, though. If I do get a BFP, I'll print this entry out and eat my words. Literally.

So I guess now the thing to do is take a look at our finances and start planning for an IUI in January. One trip to Birmingham and probably two trips to Montgomery. I'm not looking forward to it so I really hope it works the first time around.

Of course, all of this is barring my RE doesn't find anything unusual on my SHG. If she does, then another lap/hysteroscopy is in order. :-/

newbie thoughts a brewin'

Two days ago (aka 5 DPO) I started having this unusual backache. I'm used to my upper back bothering me because I live with chronic pain in my c-spine, but lower back pain is completely foreign. My lower back, surprisingly enough, NEVER bothers me. Except when AF is on her way. Then I get a slight ache in my lower back accompanied by aching hips and menstrual cramps. And this is exactly what started happening the other day only at 5 DPO I shouldn't have been having any cramps at all. Or anything, really.

I haven't done anything out of the ordinary that would cause a lower backache. I haven't done any lifting or exercised strenuously. I've been sleeping fine and even took muscle relaxers a couple days running so surely it wasn't a muscular thing. So what do I start thinking? The stupidest thing EVER. Maybe it's a symptom of implantation! Yeah... so completely newbie of me. [eye roll] So the thought was mostly fleeting but my heart likes to get crushed so the hope is still lingering that something might be going on in there.

I've finished testing out my trigger - my test was stark white today. So the real wait begins now. Just a few more days and I'll go out and buy a box of "real" tests (as opposed to Dollar Tree tests and ICs). I'll take my first one at 10 DPO and pretty much know that if it's negative I'm not pregnant. But I'll test again on 11 DPO and 12 DPO (beta day) to make sure.

Something tells me to be prepared to drive up to Birmingham next cycle. :-/ Of course, I felt the same way on my BFP cycle in April so my gut instincts cannot be trusted, I guess. I guess I just lack the optimism gene.

Moo.

2WW Stress!

So I'm 4 DPO (6 DPTrigger) and the worry has set in. I told myself that I wouldn't put much stock in this cycle but apparently I didn't listen.

I really want this to be it. I'm so tired of going through this same old routine cycle after cycle. I guess I just need to focus on something else. (Like Christmas maybe?)

So speaking of Christmas, I got most of my shopping done. I still need to buy for my mom, dad, sister, and BIL but that's it! I'm still stuck on what to get my mom and sister. I'm getting my dad a Lowe's gift card and my BIL... well, I haven't decided what to get him yet either. Maybe something Dallas Cowboys.

Tony is all shopped for. He got his Xbox 360 yesterday. :-o I also got him Guitar Hero II and Guitar Hero III. I want to get him a subscription to GameFly or something similar so we don't spend oodles of money on games that he'll inevitably beat. I also got him a couple of books and a new belt. I'll probably wind up looking at pants again and I'll probably get him a new pair of jeans, too.

I'm not sure what I want for Christmas. I know for sure I want the new Bare Minerals iQuad. And a new bathrobe. But that's really all I can think of. :-/ Oh, yeah, and a BFP would be nice, too, thanks.

going down down

Fucking mood swings. I hate being bipolar. I hate being off meds. Life sucks, it's not fair, yes I'm throwing a temper tantrum.

My heart started palpitating almost non-stop yesterday. I've been having PVC couplets (bigeminy/trigeminy) since then. They'd stopped last night after I went to the ER and was given two grams of IV magnesium sulfate but they've started again. WTF am I supposed to do?? No one can give me a solid answer. I can't live like this. Tony and I fought last night and I have no idea why. Maybe because I verbally wished myself dead. Yeah, that's probably it.

My ER experience was lousy. First I had to explain to the nurses that a pregnancy test would come up positive but I'm NOT pregnant. They looked completely clueless when I told them I'd had a shot of hCG two days ago. The doctor was actually nice and [gasp!] he said "Do you have PCOS?" when I mentioned that I was on Metformin but didn't have diabetes. I told him I was impressed. So many doctors are CLUELESS. He wants me to see a cardiologist because my magnesium was low but not so low that they should be really concerned.

The one nurse got on my case because I hadn't taken my magnesium in about a week. I let myself run out because I'm a moron. Sue me. She gave me some stupid speech about how if I'm trying to get pregnant I have to take extra special care of my body. I looked at her and said "Look, I've been trying for almost five years, I know what I need/have to do." I hate that fucking hospital. They're so clueless.

I'm angry. I have homework to finish and I can't motivate myself to do it. I just want to curl up on the couch and watch Spongebob.

I guess it's a good thing I have therapy next week.

it was a good day.

I had a wonderful birthday yesterday. It wasn't anything spectacular but I think that's what I liked most about it. I stopped by Walmart on my way home from Dothan and picked up a cake. It was divided into four quarters, each a different flavor (German Chocolate, Red Velvet, Carrot, and Double Chocolate). So heavenly! Then I picked up a hoodie with Happy Bunny on it because I am smitten with all things Happy Bunny. :P I got back to Enterprise around 6:30 and stopped at our Walmart to pick up some face wash and wound up buying milk, papertowels, and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End on DVD. All the spending wasn't intentional, it just sort of happened. Oops.

At 7:00 I stopped at Farmer's to shoo my mom out of there. Then we went to her house and she gave me my hCG trigger. I talked to her and Dad for a bit then rushed home to see my monkey. I'd spoken to Tony earlier and he said he bought me a robe for my birthday. I was happy to be getting a gift but sad that he ruined the surprise factor. But oh well. So when I got home he said that I had to hunt for the gift. WTF? So off I went and after searching thoroughly, still no robe. Finally he said "I lied... I didn't get you a robe," and pulled out a watch box from his coat pocket! He bought me a really nice Fossil watch; the one I wanted! :D My monkey is so sweet when he wants to be. :P Then we made with the baby making and had cake. Mmm... birthday sex.

Today my right hip feels like someone punched me. I guess getting stabbed in the muscle with a needle will do that. It really freaking aches, though. It's all worth it in the end, though.

and we're at a GO

I woke up early yesterday morning in preparation for my appointment in Montgomery. Around 7:30 I got a call from my RE's office saying that the SHG I had scheduled in Montgomery for 10:30 was actually supposed to be done in Birmingham. After some fanagling and a quick call to the boss, I was on my way.

I'm glad I listen to my instinct, though. I decided to stop in the Montgomery office to have my bloodwork done. If I don't get blood drawn before 10:00 AM I don't get same day results. Since I wasn't going to make it to Birmingham by 10:00, I figured it wouldn't hurt to stop in Montgomery. Besides, I was running really early for my 12:15 appointment anyway.

Wouldn't you know, for the first time EVER, I had two follies that were close enough to being ready that they canceled my SHG and told me to do one more night of Follistim (last night) and my trigger the following night (today).

Basically - I get cake, sex, and a shot in my ass for my birthday! Oh what fun. I am excited, though. The nurse said my follies looked great and my lining was fantastic (14mm, fluffy, triple layer)!

So here's hoping that cake + birthday sex = baby nine months later.

P.S. I hate the 2ww.

dear doctor: please tell me how to feel

I started therapy about two months ago. So far, I've only gone to three sessions. The first session was a huge success. I went in with a huge weight on my shoulder - lots of tears and confessions later, I emerged feeling much better. Plus I like my therapist so much better than I like my pdoc. At any rate, Blue Cross Blue Shield makes any EPS therapist outline a "treatment plan" basically going over what the problem is and what we're going to do to solve it. It feels weird because not all of my issues revolve around TTC and infertility. But that's our main concern -- to get me pregnant and keep me sane while pregnant and off meds.

Being off meds just plain sucks. Especially now that I finally found a combo that makes me happy. Topamax + Abilify + Prozac + Wellbutrin = A Well Balanced Lissa. Prozac and Wellbutrin are fairly well tested/tried during pregnancy. And yes, I will continue to take them while pregnant. I wrestled with that decision for a very long time and I've come to realize that feeling suicidal and/or depressed while pregnant will be a lot worse for me and my child than a little Prozac/Wellbutrin cocktail. But Prozac and Wellbutrin are not what helped me. That was the Topamax and the Abilify. Topamax is not tested in pregnancy and neither is Abilify. The former is an anticonvulsant which are usually heavily contraindicated in pregnancy. The latter is an atypical antipsychotic which are also contraindicated in pregnancy. (Oh, and before you go 'eee gads an antipsychotic??" they are quite frequently used for mood stabilization. Yep, not just for the "real" crazies anymore.)

I don't like being so dependant on pills but I like being a sane individual. Without these meds I really bounce all over the place. 'Tis the nature of being "blessed" with rapid cycling bipolar disorder. I can go from suicidal to bubble master in 2.8 seconds when I'm off meds.

These two major feats in my life (TTC and being mentally interesting) really don't mix well at all. Certainly I'm not the first bipolar patient that has decided to discontinue medication in favor of pregnancy? Probably not, but being infertile and TTC and being mentally interesting and off meds... different story. Who knows how long it's going to take before Tony and I get pregnant and stay pregnant? There's really no telling.

In the mean time, my therapist is researching how to help bipolar patients that are off meds. I have another session next week and Tony is supposed to be going with me. You know, so he can learn my "triggers" and all that jazz when it comes to mood swings. I swear the man is still in denial that I'm mentally interesting at all. Never a dull moment with me.

practice makes perfect

The weekend is over; back to the daily grind. I feel like crap today. My head hurts, I'm nauseated, and my sinuses feel like they are going to explode.

We had a nice weekend. Tony's brother and niece came over Friday night for a while. We had pizza and played Wii. Then we sat around and talked while the kids played. I figured since we were going to have company I might as well invite my niece over, too. We wound up having David, too. They behaved themselves. Deborah stayed the night again on Saturday. I took her home around 5:00 yesterday evening. Around 7:00 she called me to tell me that she missed me. She sounded on the verge of tears. :( Poor thing. I think having a new baby around is exciting but she's not the only girl anymore. That has to be rough after being the only girl for nine years.

My birthday is Thursday. Eee gads I'm going to be 27!