move on, move on...

Right now I am pretty incredibly manic (which has me insanely worried because my hearing is on Friday and I can't decide if being manic at my disability hearing would be good or not??) I'm trying to burn these feelings into my brain so I can describe them accurately on Friday. I feel crazy. I want to focus on one thing but I can't. I am trying to reply to every.single.FB status. Talking my mom's ear off. Talking to the animals. Talking to myself. Talking to YOU! I'm too manic to text my BFF because it literally feels too slow. (Typing feels too slow. Typing IS too slow. I keep misspelling things.) I want to focus. I need to finish baking the cake I started (WTF made me want to bake a cake AND cook dinner AND have my mom fry up eggplant because now the kitchen is a mess!!) Also, I need t odo laundry and clean out the cat fountain and the kitchen floor needs cleaning amd the litter boxes need to be scooped as well and I really want to do all of this RIGHT.NOW. but I can't focus on anything.

I should probably take an Ativan soon or my heart might explode. (The palpitations are REALLY bad today.)

do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around...

I started this really inspired entry a couple of weeks ago about the month of November. It was really heart felt. And did I mention inspired? Sadly my inspiration comes in spurts and I wasn't able to finish before I'd gotten side tracked. And I can't remember what I was going to say anyway.

November is an ideal month. Because it has a bonafide holiday for which all of my family members have a paid day off. There is plenty of holiday cooking and cheer but no stress over buying gifts and things like that. Of course, up until this Thanksgiving, The Monkey and I had never been quite so broke. (Financially, I mean. As a married couple we are a well oiled machine most days.) It is rough having to be tight fisted. Not being able to go out and buy stuff on a whim. Or, more accurately, in a manic frenzy. I don't even have credit cards to fuel that anymore. Which is probably a good thing.

Speaking of mania that's exactly what I was when I went to see my new pdoc yesterday. Utterly and completely manic. The drive to D-Town was fascinating (and the drive home even moreso... did you know that long strings of headlights in the dark look a lot like Christmas lights??). I was already positively giddy when I bounded into Starbucks and ordered my Caramel Brulee Latte. I could hardly keep still while I sat in the pdoc's waiting room for almost two hours. This doctor has some kind of thing for peacocks. The waiting room was completely decked out in peacocks. I didn't find this at all odd until I went to the bathroom (too much caffeine!) and found that it too was decorated in peacocks! Complete with a really busy wallpaper. When the nurse finally took me back into a room it TOO was decorated in peacocks. I literally could NOT contain my laughter. When the nurse came in to "interview" me I giggled about the doctor's affinity for peacocks. She laughed too and then showed me their Christmas tree decorations. ALL PEACOCKS. Cue hysterics! I finally stopped laughing long enough to answer all of her questions. I'm not sure if she was entertained or annoyed by all of my side stories. It's, uh, a bit difficult to stay on track when you're manic. (Which is why I hardly ever write anything until after I've come down a bit. Things come out way too...jumbled. A hundred half-finished thoughts in ten seconds. It aren't pretty.) When she left I kicked myself. I was so busy trying to remember everything that I'd left out two BIG BIG parts of my mental health history: my previous self-injurious behavior and my binge/purge...uh...thing. I did tell the pdoc when he finally came in, though.

Once all was said and done, the doc gave me some Prozac (to help with the more frequent depressive episodes) and some Restoril for sleep. I've taken both; I had no real issues with either. (Well, except that one time when I OD'd on Restoril and the fact tha Prozac did cause SSRI-induced mania. But the OD was eight years ago when I was single and wanted very much to die; and the mania problem was all because my previous pdoc didn't have me on any kind of mood stabilizer BEFORE adding the Prozac.) I go back in a month to see how things are going.

I have the distinct feeling that this is not over.

In the meantime I am going to focus on the upcoming stuff-yourself-to-bursting day. And my niece's SECOND birthday. (And try not to focus on the fact that our child would have been almost two, too.) And find THE recipe for Red Velvet Cake for my birthday. And baking Key Lime Cake for my sister's birthday. And celebrating Christmas/the solstice just The Monkey and me this year. (I am seriously considering getting totally sloshed on hard eggnog.) And hunting down some Godiva Chocolate Liqueur for my Chocolatinis for New Year's Eve.

Is 2009 really that close to being over??

Insanity, I tell you. Absolute insanity.

celebrating five years (a few days late...)

Tonight The Monkey and I are going to head to the local Drive-In to see Fast & Furious and The House on the Left. Mostly we're interested in Fast & Furious, the second movie is just a bonus. (Gotta love double features!) The movies start at approximately 7:45 so I'm guessing we'll head out somewhere for dinner around four. I guess that means I should head upstairs and get showered! We slept until 12:00 today. We were up until 2:00 watching The Fast & The Furious because I hadn't seen all of it. It's second only to The Matrix as The Monkey's favorite movie.

Also, I got my ring yesterday! It's SOOOO pretty! I tried to get a decent pic of it but my camera SUCKS at the macro function. The inscriptions were smaller than I expected (the website photo makes them look huge!) but the stones are just gorgeous. Sapphire and Blue Topaz really do sit well together. ;)

So far Lamictal has caused me NO grief. I keep checking myself for any hint/signs of a rash and I have none. Also, NO HEADACHES to date. Hoorah! I was pretty energetic yesterday. I got up early to watch the kiddos while my sister went to D-Town to pick up her hubby from the hospital. (He just had back surgery again.) When I put Madison down for a nap I started putting away all the [clean] laundry that had piled up since we flooded. I also did all of the dirty laundry so I had a mountain of clean clothes to fold and put away. I despise laundry! But I got it all done and then spent the rest of my afternoon reorganizing drawers. The Monkey has his own chest of drawers and all of my stuff is taking up the dresser and the [larger] chest of drawers. Yikes! Me thinks it's time to downsize. Our hanging clothes rack is packed full as well. I would like to go through those clothes and pull down all of my work clothes and put them in a bin and take them to storage. That would free up a LOT of space. But we'll see. It was a nice productive day and I was thrilled to have enough energy to buckle down and do it. I haven't had focused energy like that in a while. I was all Wow the Lamictal is working already! until I started doing other things that were more indicative of being hypomanic more than anything. Oh wells. At least it's not giving me any side effects.

Ok, time to go shower! I need to get primped and prettied for dinner and the movies. Which will involve makeup (of course) and flat ironing my hair!

no, really.

I want a bottle of wine. Or a six pack of something strong. Just not sure where I could/would/should go to drink it.

ghosts of TTC past

I don't get how some people just seem to exist for the sole purpose of breeding. Furthermore I don't get how this crap can still bother me. I want to scream at myself to GET THE HELL OVER IT ALREADY and MOVE THE HELL ON!

I was in a sort of carefree mood this afternoon. With the news of our tax return and a refund coming in from DeVry I've just been feeling lighthearted. I guess having a financial two ton brick lifted from your chest can do that. I was driving home after my therapy session contemplating dinner. I decided on chicken parmesan and promptly headed to Winn Dixie. When I'm in this type of mood I just feel so...light. Carefree. Almost like I am in an impermiable bubble -- my own little world. It's kind of bad for me to go out in public in such a mood becuase I talk to myself. A lot. In order not to look like I just stepped off the crazy ward I have to consciously remind myself to STOP having conversations with thin air. Other times I just roll with it. Screw what the general public thinks about me. (They're probably right anyway.) But I digress.

So I'm wandering through Winn Dixie (in circles, I might add) picking up the things we need for supper. I find a couple of good deals (chicken breasts buy one get one free!) and eventuall mosey up to the check out. Pay my $60 (but hey, I saved $20!) and as I'm heading out the door a guy is herding his two-maybe-three year old into the store carrying his maybe-one-year old trailed by his [I hope] wife who has a belly. Does she have a belly? It looks like she has a belly. As I'm trying to decide whether or not she's pregnant I read her shirt: EXPECTING, it declares in shiney rhinestone letters.

I suddenly don't feel so carefree and lighthearted anymore. This random stranger and her shirt with the glittery declarative has popped my bubble.

Damn it. Now I have to spend the rest of the afternoon actually feeling all of these other feelings that I have absolutely NO desire to feel.

I don't understand how this can still happen to me. Why it still happens to me. I thought I'd moved to a place of acceptance. Where I could be happy just to wake up and not feel like offing myself. Where I could be happy playing the role of "trophy wife" and "auntie extraordinaire" and being childless. But I guess I'm just not there. As badly as I WANT to be there, I'm just not. I wonder if I'll ever get to that point.

I worry that infertility has scarred me for life and that in order to live out a full, happy, childfree existance I will have to purchase and then move to some uncharted island somewhere out in the Pacific where nary another pregnant belly can deflate my happiness bubble.

cruisin' along '09

So the month of January comes to a close. I'll be the first to admit that 2009 has been very kind to me and mine thus far. I can't think of one significant thing to complain about. (There are plenty of minor things, mostly inconveniences that really don't merit blog time.)

School, at this point, is mostly yawn-worthy. I'm taking a class that is sort of a hybrid of two classes I've already taken. So, essentially, everything we're doing is 'review' and I haven't really had to put forth much effort to keep my grade at a high A. I also had my academic advisor run a graduation audit for me. The results came as quite a shock. According to them (and I'm still waiting on confirmation that they haven't flubbed something up) I only have THREE more classes (equal to eight credit hours) until I graduate! This is me doing the freaking Snoopy Dance like you've never seen me do the Snoopy Dance before! I have a Humanities class to take (Technology, Society & Culture), a Career Development course, and my final class will be the Senior Project. If the graduation audit is correct I will be finished with school by summer time! However I suspect they made a mistake because, according to my well-kept records, I still have two concentration courses to take -- Database and Website Integration and Integrated Computer Applications. I'm kind of on the fence as to what I want the answer to my inquiry to be. On one hand I am greatly looking forward to graduating and putting school behind me for a while. On the other hand the sooner school ends, the sooner I will have to start paying back my school loans. I peeked at one of my recent statements and, though it was expected, the $60k balance threw me for a loop. I'm guessing my loan payments are going to run me somewhere close to $300 a month and we're just not in a place financially where that is feasible. So the longer I stay in school the longer I can put that off. (Of course, that also means interest is going to keep accruing which is another dilemma I am facing. Gah!) Once I graduate, though, I fully intend on looking into a consolidation program with a low interest rate. I still have to make a firm decision on graduate school. I do want to get a Masters but it seems kind of wasteful at the moment. But if I'm not going to be working I may wind up qualifying for grants to help pay for my Masters and the program shouldn't take me much longer than a year to complete. Then I could potentially re-enter the job market with a very strong academic background indeed. A lot can change in six months so it really doesn't make much sense for me to make myself crazy over the details right now.

So this week my Banana-shaped friend and I walked 12-ish miles. I feel great. I'm definitely more energized. I've also been taking a low dose of Zyprexa every night which has helped me sleep well for the most part. Last night I woke up at 2:30 in the morning (after falling asleep just after 1:00) ready to do something. Normally when I wake up in the middle of the night I toss and turn for a few then eventually fall back asleep. Last night was different, though. I woke up and felt like I could run a mile or drive to the coast. I settled on browsing the Internet instead. I was on eBay for about an hour and came ohsoclose to buying a lot of makeup that I don't need/can't afford. Call it an act of God or what have you, but The Monkey actually woke up in the middle of my [almost] shopping spree and sent me back to bed. Drat! (Ok, ok... I know it was a good thing he woke up. But oh how I would've loved to have some Afterglow blush and four new eyeshadow singles and two new palettes -- all by Urban Decay -- to add to my makeup collection! :P)

I think manias are so much more difficult for people to grasp/understand/deal with. I mean, a depressed person is quite obviously unwell. In my case I am lethargic, almost bed-ridden, weepy, and full of 'doom and gloom' as it were. But with mania, it's a little difficult to register the fact that I am not, in fact, doing well but am, in fact, dealing with the opposite end of my illness. I'm cheerfulness and happiness abounding. I'm talkative and social. Full of energy with life coursing heavily through my veins. I am very much alive. I have ideas -- so many ideas -- that it's hard to channel my energy into any one direction. How do I chose?? (This is one reason I've started keeping the makeup blog -- it's a specific way to 'channel' all my manic energy.) And anyone on the outside looking in may find it easy to look at me and think that I am well when I really, really am not. The surface of things can be monumentally deceiving. While I'd much rather be manic than depressed any day I'm trying to get to a point where I recognize what is happening and instead of just 'enjoying the ride' I am trying to find ways of centering/grounding/focusing myself so that I don't fall off the deep end and get lost in the manic frenzies. Because manic, like depressed, is not good.

I need to start aiming towards euthymic.

ride the walrus!

I've been riding a nice steady wave of mild hypomania for days. It broke briefly on my birthday during which I sobbed uncontrollably for an hour before pasting a fake smile on my face long enough for my husband, sister and family to sing me happy birthday and eat cake and icecream. I must say that it's a pleasant change from my 'norm' which tends more toward depressive states rittled with anxiety and aggression/irritibility.

I did something kinda, sorta stupid today. I went shopping. ACK! I had a nice time with my sister, though. I woke up super early (after only a few hours of sleep) and got dressed, primped and pressed for a day of shopping in Dothan. We hit up Target first (hooray for Starbucks!) and then we went to Kohl's, Walmart, Old Navy, and the mall. Honestly, as far as manic-fueled shopping sprees go, this one was pretty tame. I found some PJs on sale at Target, a car charger for my iPod for $5 bucks, and two three packs of Argyle socks for $6 bucks each at Target. I followed my sister around in Kohl's and managed to distract myself from their massive pre-Christmas everything sale (jewelry, clothes, and shoes... oh my!) by playing the hand-held game 20Q - TV Edition. In Walmart I found a pair of Happy Bunny fleece PJs but managed to talk myself out of them. In Old Navy - my infinite weakness because I love their clothes AND I have an Old Navy credit card - I managed to walk out only spending $10 on a really cute long-sleeved t-shirt. What can I say, it was on sale, and the last one they had and it just so happened to be in my size. It was totally meant to be, damnit! I was doing fabulously well controlling myself in the mall until we went into Pacific Sun. On the surface, it appears to be a skinny-girl store but their XL tops actually fit me! So, I wound up buying four v-neck long sleeved t-shirts there, too. They were only $6 bucks a piece so it really wasn't a horrible expenditure either. All in all, I spent around $55 bucks, total.

Try as I may, I have been completely unable to find a bathrobe ANYWHERE. I looked in Target, Walmart, Kohl's, JC Penney's, Old Navy, and Dillards and all I can manage to find are fleece house coats! UGH. I want a bathrobe made of terry cloth so I can throw it on right out of the shower while I'm still wet and use it as nature intended -- as a robe-shaped bath towel. My current bathrobe is falling apart and doesn't quite close around my body since I've gained about 20 pounds since Tony bought it for me. But whatever.

Shopping isn't quite finished. I didn't get any Christmas shopping done today, unfortunately. I think I'm going to buy my sister a couple of belly rings, my mom a couple of Urban Decay eyeshadows, my niece some pajamas (at her request), my nephew a DVD (The Dark Knight), my other nephew a Nirvana hoodie, The Monkey World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King and a new 60 game pass, Madison a toy or an outfit, and my dad a gift card. I'll have to consult with my sister to figure out something for my BIL. Oy.

In other news, I found a couple of my good friends from High School on Facebook yesterday! I was freaking ecstatic to finally get in touch with them after more than five years! I didn't have many friends in High School but the few that I did have were really wonderful and it's nice to be in touch with them after all these years.

Hmm. Time to go lie down and curl up under the covers. It's freaking COLD out tonight! Very windy with some rain. Not bad holiday weather for LA ('Lower Alabama'). Tomorrow is Friday (already!) and I need to buckle down and knock out my homework so I can clear my schedule for finals this coming week. Thank goodness we have a two week break after these classes! It's definitely needed.

I hope I can sleep tonight. I have a sneaking suspicion that my hypomanic 'wave' is being fueled by sleep deprivation. :-P

please, do not attempt to understand

Alive! Glorious, glorious autumn day! A good day for walking, running, flying.

(Sometimes I wish my husband didn't keep me so firmly tethered to the ground.)

How fleeting and fabulous am I?

Getting ready to go to Dothan. Must concentrate on doing makeup and hair. Eager to be outside of Enterprise for the first time in months. (Maybe we should consider moving to San Diego with my BFF. No one knows or understands me better, after all.)

Craving a Starbucks Gingerbread Latte like nobody's business. Planning on raiding Barnes & Noble for both books and my caffeine fix. (Also, DH will be job hunting.)

I can't even form a sentence properly or coherently verbalize my zooming thoughts. I think, today, I will buy a notebook so I can start writing in a paper journal again in an attempt to get some of these ideas out of my head and on paper before they become buried in the thick of my mind when I crash again.

Always moving forward, never wanna stop. Want to keep going up up up until the atmosphere thins and I inevitably suffocate under the weight of my own madness. Wild fires burning out of control (gotta take the high ground to avoid the flash floods, you know).

I am invincible.

zoom zoom zoom

Highlights of my day (from August 15, 2008):

- Having sex for the first time in 22 days. OMFG.
- Getting Tony chiropractic help for his sciatica. (He's been dealing with the pain for better than six months.)
- Getting a $100 break from said chiropractor for today's treatment! Seriously. Fucking AWESOME.
- Actually spending the day running around, doing the errands that we put off all week.
- Getting my books in the mail. [squee!]
- Reading through half of Manic by Terri Cheney. (Thanks to my BFF!)
- Feverish text messaging with BFF in between chapters.
- Hour and a half long phone conversation with BFF about nothing and everything and anything in between!
- Starting back on Zoloft. (Because hypomania is SOOO way better than being depressed!)

Constant need for movement. Talking and talking and talking. Hugs and kisses for everyone - yay! Insatiably horny. Flights of fancy and falling with style. Not tired not tired not tired. Increased awareness of everything from the ache in my neck and shoulders to the unexplainable stickiness of my palms (wash, rinse, repeat.. wash, rinse, repeat). Left with one relentlessly repeatitive thought: how long is this going to last??

my day in bullets

- Wake up feeling good.
- Watch TV until 11:00. Feeling less good, but still okay.
- Try to get motivated to go run errands.
- Fail to get motivated to go run errands.
- Talk to sister about tentative PCS in December.
- Start to Panic about tentative PCS in December.
- Force conversation on unwilling husband about what we're going to do.
- Start feeling more panic.
- Get angry at husband for not being more motivated to get a job RIGHT NOW this very INSTANT.
- Feel doomed that husband is not going to find a job.
- Feel doomed that I'm not going to find a job either.
- Feel panic about having to find a job.
- Depression setting in.
- Start to feel hopeless about everything.
- Start to seriously think that killing myself is a viable (and better) option.
- Try to sleep it off.
- Wake up feeling worse.
- Contemplate filling my scrip for Xanax and taking the entire bottle.
- Fill scrip for Xanax.
- Bawl while talking to my husband about why it's better for all if I just kill myself.
- Sob and intermittently scream "I'm sorry!" to my distraught husband for nearly an hour and a half.
- Complain that I desperately need medication.
- Promise to call the County Health Department and inquire.
- Promise to look into filing for disability.
- Feel less depressed, or, at least, not as suicidal.
- Eat pizza for dinner.
- Purge pizza.
- Play Quizzy's Word Challenge on Webkinz until I've racked up 300 Kinzcash.
- Listen to Pink Floyd.
- Get showered and watch Season 2 of Buffy until I crash.

My days are becoming more and more like this one. My moods are ridiculously unstable and I'm the unfortunate soul that experiences short spurts of hypomania interspersed amongst much longer bouts of depression. Some of the depressions are more melancholic while others, like today, are severe and down right terrifying. Some hypomanic days are characterized by my desperate need to run "errands" (read: spend money) and scouring the Internet for information on random subjects as they zoom through my mind while others are filled with uncontrollable rage and sudden outbursts for no good reason.

I feel like a fucking ping pong ball on crack.

hash slinging slasher

Mania sucks. Sometimes worse than depression. I don't get fun mania. No.. I get lovely mixed states or dysphoric mania. Complete with unjustifiable rage. Stupid shit has been pissing me off lately. Like REALLY grating my nerves. The sound of people chewing or even breathing. I mean, there is something seriously WRONG with that, isn't there? I've exploded about random shit several times in the past few days.

I need to start diligently looking for a job with medical benefits so I can go back to the pdoc. Because being off meds... it's not as fun as it looks.

ooh loook! a little plastic castle

There's a song, forever and ever a favorite of mine, that refers to a goldfish's memory (or lack thereof) and how the little plastic castle is a surprise every time. I feel like a goldfish today. I can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. I have this big project looming over me all ominous and threatening like but even that isn't motivation enough to get it done. Oh wells. I'm sure I can finish it Monday (when I'll hopefully be more focused).

I blame myself, of course. I know for sure I forgot to take my meds last night. (The storms and everything threw me off.) And I think I might've forgotten them the night before. Grrr... hiss. I know I'm okay with the anti-depressants because Prozac has a half life of like six days. So I'm good there. But I'm not sure what the half life of Abilify is. Hrmm. Must research. Noted: 75 hours. So I should be okay there too. I guess it's the caffeine that's made me all loopy. Anyways.

Something wonderful happened to me today. My niece SMILED at me for the first time! That gorgeous little baby grin just melted my heart. She did it repeatedly, too, so I know it wasn't a fluke! She's already gotten so big. If I don't see her for a week she's changed so much by the time I see her again. Amazing.

All my TTC stuff is on hold. I'm planning on drinking again this weekend. I figured fuck it, right? What do I have to lose? If I don't live my life now and I still don't have a baby five years down the road I know for sure that I will regret it. I still plan on doing injects and IUI but I'm not going to stress myself out about it anymore. It's just gotten to be such an unhealthy thing to immerse myself in. Instead, I'm focusing on me (and Tony) in the here and NOW. And I feel much, much better! I've also decided that my meds, no matter what unknowns may be, are a must. They have to stay, TTC, pregnant, or not. The risks are too great. I was in such a bad place just a few weeks ago. I can't go to that place while I'm carrying a child - or even now! It's not a fun place to go, I promise. Just so it's made clear, bipolar disorder is a disorder that cannot be fixed or treated (very often) with just therapy. I knew this when I stopped my meds but I wanted to give it a go anyway. It just doesn't work. At least not for me. Bipolar disorder is chemical - my brain (not mind) doesn't work right and when those chemicals go wacky, consequently, so do I. So that's that.

I'm very eager for this day to be OVER so I can go home, finish my homework, and start my freaking weekend!

manic not-Monday

Mania = clean house. Christmas decorations are down, kitchen is shiny, all the laundry is put away. :-O (Clean laundry has been piling up to be put away for weeks. Oh the shame!) Mania also equals maniacal driving. Yeppers. Mania = very horny. Mania = self indulgence. Me likey.

Tonight we are going to hang out with my parents' and I'm gonna get shit faced. So is Tony. His brother is driving. Heh. His brother is also crashing which means no wild drunken sex for me tonight. Tarter sauce. (Heh... Spongebob reference...)

I'm completely obsessed with my makeup! Yesterday I did an awesome smokey look with dark gray eyeshadow (Zero by Urban Decay) and a silver pigment that I've had for eons but never knew WTF to do with it. I do now! Today I did a kickass green and goldish-yellow deal. OMG, I rock. It looks awesome! Now if I could just drop this weight that I gained and get my freaking jawbone back we'll be in business.

Weeeee!

ramble, ramble.. always too much in my head

Guitar Hero, more makeup than I can honestly afford, new shirts, new shoes; a full tank of gas and I'm ready to go. (Wanna head west until I see the ocean.)

Things are better now.

There's a bottle of Tanqueray chilling in my freezer right this moment. (And there's lemon juice and club soda for Tom Collins.) I can taste the bittersweet drink enveloping my liquid-starved tastebuds.

(I should probably eat something soon.)

Slight headache and a stuffy nose. And the worst cotton mouth imaginable. (Damn meds.)

Desperate for 5:00. Ready, set.. Go!

1..2..3..4..5..6....switch!

My friends taught me a song when I was about 13. It simply went "I don't care if I go crazy.. 1..2..3..4..5..6... Switch! Crazy go I if care don't I.. 6..5..4..3..2..1... Switch!" And you repeated it over and over until you got too tongue tied to say it anymore. (Or until someone gave you the evil eye.)

I find this song incredibly ironic. At least for me and my situation. (After all, this song might as well been written for someone with bipolar disorder.) Hrrmph.

My brain chemistry is so whacked. Up up up up up up... Down down down. On top of the world! In the murkiest, blackest tar pit of despair you can imagine. I'm nearing the top of the tar pit; grasping at the ledge. Soon I'll be on much higher ground. And again, and again, and again, and again.

So like I said... 1..2..3..4..5..6... SWITCH!