So, we just finished eating supper and we were all hanging out in the living room chit-chatting. My niece, Madison, was walking around playing with a little flashlight. She was pointing it at the ceiling and nearly falling over backward to look at the spot of light. Hilarious! Then my oldest nephew, Raymond, started flipping through some music on his cell phone. When he put on King Nothing by Metallica Madison (who is all of 19 months old) started mimicking my nephew who was, of course, headbanging. And because she's such a ham, when we started laughing at her she kept doing it. I think my sister caught it on video. If she did, prepare to be overloaded by CUTE.
She is DEFINITELY a child after my own heart. [happy sigh] My little rocker in the making. :D
Showing posts with label madison. Show all posts
Showing posts with label madison. Show all posts
Friday, June 26, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
16 months you say?
So I am really, truly hoping that my attorney can get help me build a strong enough case for the SSA to get it approved quicker than the current average wait time. Right now, for this area, the wait for a hearing is approximately 16 months. We'd have to live with my sister and BIL for another year, minimum. I say another year because in a year's time both of our cars will be paid off and we may be able to swing living on our own without two car payments to worry about. Most of our other bills are pretty insignificant amounts.
16 months. Our government really sucks.
There is some good news about the wait time, though. The back-pay award will be massive. My monthly award is $957. Multiply that by the 24-ish months it'll take to get approved. That's roughly $23,000 in back-pay. I'm trying to imagine having that much money at my disposal. Of course, we'll owe the attorney $5,300 of that. So, okay, about $18,000 at my disposal. We could pay off every bill we have and still have a big pile of money to roll around in. We could think about buying a house and actually have money for closing costs and everything else. We could pay for a round of IVF out of our pockets if we really wanted to. (Though I seriously doubt I'll want to.) Of course, I'm hoping that we can play the 'dire need' card and get my hearing date moved up. Or, even better, get an 'on the record' review which would get my case approved immediately. The judge cannot disapprove my claim by doing an on the record review. S/he can only either approve it or decide that I need to go through a hearing. Seems like a win/win to me. The 'dire need' thing just trips me out. The representative that helped me with all the paperwork and will be filing my appeal said we should wait on the dire need letter when our situation becomes more desperate.
I'm sorry, but I don't really see how my situation could be more desperate short of losing my cards, destroying my credit, and being homeless. My sister and BIL are footing the bill for housing me. They are forking out about $150 extra a month for the extra electric and water that The Monkey and I are using. Now this isn't to say that we don't help out in other ways. We do help out with the kids whenever asked. And we frequently offer to help when not asked. I buy laundry soap regularly even though a bottle of soap would last The Monkey and me six months or better. My sister hasn't bought toilet paper since we moved in (and four adults and three kids go through a LOT of toilet paper). Even still, it doesn't seem like enough. And really, just because we have somewhere to live doesn't mean that it's going to stay that way. My BIL is in the Army, after all, and he is currently on orders to go to Fort Bliss in July of this year. At which time we very well could become homeless in the strictest sense of the term. We have very little assets. We own a couch and a bed, a computer that's pretty dated (though still functional), a TV from the mid-90s that's probably not worth much. Other than that, we own a front loading washer and dryer set. Our cars aren't paid for yet and, therefore, cannot be called assets. I just feel that being a couple of 35 and 28 that we should be able to support ourselves and the fact that we can't just, in my opinion, screams dire need.
But what do I know.
At any rate, I'm hoping that we survive this whole convoluted process and come out successful and not in financial ruin on the other side.
The fact that I do, actually, feel better since I've stopped working is both a blessing and a curse. Just because I look functional on the surface does not mean that if I went out and tried to get a job that I wouldn't lose it again. I'd be like a bomb with a lit fuse. There would be no telling how long I could handle the stress of working a normal job before I'd have a meltdown. Which is why I applied for disability in the first place. Why stay in a perpetual cycle of 'get hired, get fired' if I can maintain a happier and healthier existance by not working? It makes more sense to me, anyway.
Tomorrow we are going out to visit The Monkey's brother and niece. His niece's birthday is Saturday but her dad won't have her that weekend so we're going to go out and give her the gift that was intended to be her Christmas gift. :P Then, hopefully, we'll come home to sing happy birthday and have cake with Madison. My sister is finally getting around to baking her first birthday cake. :P She had an ear infection on her birthday so my sister put off baking her a cake. Then the holidays rolled around and everyone just got so gosh-darn busy that she put it on the back burner. My sister felt horrendously guilty so she went out and bought a heart-shaped cake pan and pink frosting and 'happy birthday' candles and a cute little outfit that says 'Birthday Girl' on the front for Madison to wear.
Now it is time for me to take my 3.5 mg piece of a 15 mg Zyprexa pill so I can get some sleep. The 3.5 mg seems to be just enough to knock me out for about 10 hours. I can't imagine how badly the entire 15 mg would wipe me out. Then again, I can, because 100 mg of Seroquel (a low dose by all standards) used to turn me into nothing short of a semi-functional zombie.
I really need to increase my dose of Lithium from the 300 mg I've been taking to the 900 mg I'm supposed to be taking. I just can't even begin to say how much I hate the stuff. But, hey, maybe if I start getting all of the nasty side effects that I've had in the past my SSD case will be more compelling. 'See, Your Honor, I'm a good little girl and I take my medication and it makes me a lot less crazy but now my hands shake so badly that I can't even drink a cup of hot coffee with one hand!' Or something.
16 months. Our government really sucks.
There is some good news about the wait time, though. The back-pay award will be massive. My monthly award is $957. Multiply that by the 24-ish months it'll take to get approved. That's roughly $23,000 in back-pay. I'm trying to imagine having that much money at my disposal. Of course, we'll owe the attorney $5,300 of that. So, okay, about $18,000 at my disposal. We could pay off every bill we have and still have a big pile of money to roll around in. We could think about buying a house and actually have money for closing costs and everything else. We could pay for a round of IVF out of our pockets if we really wanted to. (Though I seriously doubt I'll want to.) Of course, I'm hoping that we can play the 'dire need' card and get my hearing date moved up. Or, even better, get an 'on the record' review which would get my case approved immediately. The judge cannot disapprove my claim by doing an on the record review. S/he can only either approve it or decide that I need to go through a hearing. Seems like a win/win to me. The 'dire need' thing just trips me out. The representative that helped me with all the paperwork and will be filing my appeal said we should wait on the dire need letter when our situation becomes more desperate.
I'm sorry, but I don't really see how my situation could be more desperate short of losing my cards, destroying my credit, and being homeless. My sister and BIL are footing the bill for housing me. They are forking out about $150 extra a month for the extra electric and water that The Monkey and I are using. Now this isn't to say that we don't help out in other ways. We do help out with the kids whenever asked. And we frequently offer to help when not asked. I buy laundry soap regularly even though a bottle of soap would last The Monkey and me six months or better. My sister hasn't bought toilet paper since we moved in (and four adults and three kids go through a LOT of toilet paper). Even still, it doesn't seem like enough. And really, just because we have somewhere to live doesn't mean that it's going to stay that way. My BIL is in the Army, after all, and he is currently on orders to go to Fort Bliss in July of this year. At which time we very well could become homeless in the strictest sense of the term. We have very little assets. We own a couch and a bed, a computer that's pretty dated (though still functional), a TV from the mid-90s that's probably not worth much. Other than that, we own a front loading washer and dryer set. Our cars aren't paid for yet and, therefore, cannot be called assets. I just feel that being a couple of 35 and 28 that we should be able to support ourselves and the fact that we can't just, in my opinion, screams dire need.
But what do I know.
At any rate, I'm hoping that we survive this whole convoluted process and come out successful and not in financial ruin on the other side.
The fact that I do, actually, feel better since I've stopped working is both a blessing and a curse. Just because I look functional on the surface does not mean that if I went out and tried to get a job that I wouldn't lose it again. I'd be like a bomb with a lit fuse. There would be no telling how long I could handle the stress of working a normal job before I'd have a meltdown. Which is why I applied for disability in the first place. Why stay in a perpetual cycle of 'get hired, get fired' if I can maintain a happier and healthier existance by not working? It makes more sense to me, anyway.
Tomorrow we are going out to visit The Monkey's brother and niece. His niece's birthday is Saturday but her dad won't have her that weekend so we're going to go out and give her the gift that was intended to be her Christmas gift. :P Then, hopefully, we'll come home to sing happy birthday and have cake with Madison. My sister is finally getting around to baking her first birthday cake. :P She had an ear infection on her birthday so my sister put off baking her a cake. Then the holidays rolled around and everyone just got so gosh-darn busy that she put it on the back burner. My sister felt horrendously guilty so she went out and bought a heart-shaped cake pan and pink frosting and 'happy birthday' candles and a cute little outfit that says 'Birthday Girl' on the front for Madison to wear.
Now it is time for me to take my 3.5 mg piece of a 15 mg Zyprexa pill so I can get some sleep. The 3.5 mg seems to be just enough to knock me out for about 10 hours. I can't imagine how badly the entire 15 mg would wipe me out. Then again, I can, because 100 mg of Seroquel (a low dose by all standards) used to turn me into nothing short of a semi-functional zombie.
I really need to increase my dose of Lithium from the 300 mg I've been taking to the 900 mg I'm supposed to be taking. I just can't even begin to say how much I hate the stuff. But, hey, maybe if I start getting all of the nasty side effects that I've had in the past my SSD case will be more compelling. 'See, Your Honor, I'm a good little girl and I take my medication and it makes me a lot less crazy but now my hands shake so badly that I can't even drink a cup of hot coffee with one hand!' Or something.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
a long December
A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last...
December. What a month. A month that most view as joyous, exciting. A month that most long for; a month full of hope, wonderment, anticipation.
You'd think I'd be among the "most" being a December baby and all that but I look forward December with all the enthrallment of looking forward to an annual gynecological exam. A necessary evil; an unavoidable annoyance. It's not a fear of getting older; it's not the stress of the impending holidays. I think it is, more or less, the year coming to an end. Another chapter of my life closing without my permission. It's a time of reflection on the year passed and wondering what could've been had you done something just a little differently.
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls...
December grew to a new level of suck-tastic-ness last year. Being infertile makes you acutely aware of you body. It's inevitable, really. You learn your body's quirks; learn how and when to react to impending ovulation. Where most women go "Huh. I missed my period. Maybe I should take a pregnancy test?" there are those of us that research which home pregnancy tests register the lowest amounts of hCG so we can test days before our period is even due. In such, if we're fortunate enough to see two lines on one of those wretched pee sticks, we can immediately calculate where we are in our pregnancy, and thus, our expected due date. The guess work is all but completely removed. We know the exact day, perhaps even the hour, that we ovulated and thus can predict when to expect the arrival of a little bundle of joy better than any nurse or doctor on the face of this earth. This is a blessing and a curse. A blessing for those who go on to have happy, healthy, normal pregnancies and actually end up bringing home a new baby roughly 36 weeks later; a curse for those of us who only experience the joy of a new pregnancy fleetingly.
December 30, 2007. That was my due date. From the moment I saw those two glorious pink lines I began subconciously mapping out pregnancy milestones in my head. By summer, when I planned to attend my best friend's bridal shower, I would be around 15 weeks. I had visions of my west-coast buddies poking my [maybe by then] protruding tummy and giggling. I pictured myself waddling around the streets of San Francisco with a few of my good friends in tow; smiling in the sunshine of my favorite city. I saw myself in a costume on Halloween that would make my belly the center of attention. I saw myself happily helping myself to seconds at Thanksgiving dinner because I really and truly was still hungry. And then I saw myself in December. Oh glorious month of December; month of hope and happiness and anticipation! I saw myself struggling fruitlessly to bake Christmas cookies and my family chastising me for doing so. I saw myself on Christmas day hoping that I wouldn't disrupt the holiday festivities by going into labor a few days early. I even saw myself on New Year's Eve, still full of baby, wondering how much longer I'd go overdue.
It's not like I was doing any of this purposefully. I knew, long before I found out I was pregnant, that having PCOS carries with it a higher risk of miscarriage. I'd been around the infertile [online] community long enough to know that just because you got pregnant did not mean you were going to stay that way long enough to bring home a baby. However, the subconcious mind is not a rational creature. It is the part of our collective conciousness that thwarts the more rational and endlessly more predictive (and stable) concious mind. It betrays us at every turn. Our concious mind builds up these nice, safe walls of logic and certainties only to have our subconcious mind push us off the ledge of those walls with a little nudge of unwanted hope. A quiet utterance of but what if? But I've come to realize that it's all but impossible to keep my subconcious mind under wraps. Try as I may -- and believe me, I DO try -- I just can't seem to do it. It was my subconcious mind that put all these thoughts into my head thus setting me up for eventual failure.
Five weeks, two days pregnant and it was over. All those subconcious fantasies gone up in smoke in the instant the nurse returned to my ER room and muttered the words "I'm sorry. Your beta dropped." Those words left a gaping hole in my chest; in my heart. While the hole has healed a great deal in the past 19 months, it is still a hole underneath. When poked, the surface reopens revealing a fresh, unhealed wound that takes days, weeks, months to reheal. It doesn't help that I have a daily, living, breathing reminder of the hole. My niece was born a mere month before her cousin should have been born. As much as I love my sister, watching her pregnancy progress along the 'natural' course was like hearing those words over and over and over again. And now, every milestone my niece passes, I watch with mixed emotions. I watch with the pure, unadulterated joy and unconditional love of the aunt that I am. And I watch, simultaneously, with the raw emotion of a should-have-been parent; of an infertile.
I do still have some inkling of hope that, someday, I will not dread December. That the end of another year will not mean another year that we failed to get (and stay) pregnant. That one December, someday, will mean our baby's first Christmas. And if it doesn't happen I still have hope that someday, some December will not mean agonizing over what could have -- should have -- been. That someday, some December I'll find that the hole isn't so much a hole anymore.
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
Maybe this year will be better than the last...
December. What a month. A month that most view as joyous, exciting. A month that most long for; a month full of hope, wonderment, anticipation.
You'd think I'd be among the "most" being a December baby and all that but I look forward December with all the enthrallment of looking forward to an annual gynecological exam. A necessary evil; an unavoidable annoyance. It's not a fear of getting older; it's not the stress of the impending holidays. I think it is, more or less, the year coming to an end. Another chapter of my life closing without my permission. It's a time of reflection on the year passed and wondering what could've been had you done something just a little differently.
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls...
December grew to a new level of suck-tastic-ness last year. Being infertile makes you acutely aware of you body. It's inevitable, really. You learn your body's quirks; learn how and when to react to impending ovulation. Where most women go "Huh. I missed my period. Maybe I should take a pregnancy test?" there are those of us that research which home pregnancy tests register the lowest amounts of hCG so we can test days before our period is even due. In such, if we're fortunate enough to see two lines on one of those wretched pee sticks, we can immediately calculate where we are in our pregnancy, and thus, our expected due date. The guess work is all but completely removed. We know the exact day, perhaps even the hour, that we ovulated and thus can predict when to expect the arrival of a little bundle of joy better than any nurse or doctor on the face of this earth. This is a blessing and a curse. A blessing for those who go on to have happy, healthy, normal pregnancies and actually end up bringing home a new baby roughly 36 weeks later; a curse for those of us who only experience the joy of a new pregnancy fleetingly.
December 30, 2007. That was my due date. From the moment I saw those two glorious pink lines I began subconciously mapping out pregnancy milestones in my head. By summer, when I planned to attend my best friend's bridal shower, I would be around 15 weeks. I had visions of my west-coast buddies poking my [maybe by then] protruding tummy and giggling. I pictured myself waddling around the streets of San Francisco with a few of my good friends in tow; smiling in the sunshine of my favorite city. I saw myself in a costume on Halloween that would make my belly the center of attention. I saw myself happily helping myself to seconds at Thanksgiving dinner because I really and truly was still hungry. And then I saw myself in December. Oh glorious month of December; month of hope and happiness and anticipation! I saw myself struggling fruitlessly to bake Christmas cookies and my family chastising me for doing so. I saw myself on Christmas day hoping that I wouldn't disrupt the holiday festivities by going into labor a few days early. I even saw myself on New Year's Eve, still full of baby, wondering how much longer I'd go overdue.
It's not like I was doing any of this purposefully. I knew, long before I found out I was pregnant, that having PCOS carries with it a higher risk of miscarriage. I'd been around the infertile [online] community long enough to know that just because you got pregnant did not mean you were going to stay that way long enough to bring home a baby. However, the subconcious mind is not a rational creature. It is the part of our collective conciousness that thwarts the more rational and endlessly more predictive (and stable) concious mind. It betrays us at every turn. Our concious mind builds up these nice, safe walls of logic and certainties only to have our subconcious mind push us off the ledge of those walls with a little nudge of unwanted hope. A quiet utterance of but what if? But I've come to realize that it's all but impossible to keep my subconcious mind under wraps. Try as I may -- and believe me, I DO try -- I just can't seem to do it. It was my subconcious mind that put all these thoughts into my head thus setting me up for eventual failure.
Five weeks, two days pregnant and it was over. All those subconcious fantasies gone up in smoke in the instant the nurse returned to my ER room and muttered the words "I'm sorry. Your beta dropped." Those words left a gaping hole in my chest; in my heart. While the hole has healed a great deal in the past 19 months, it is still a hole underneath. When poked, the surface reopens revealing a fresh, unhealed wound that takes days, weeks, months to reheal. It doesn't help that I have a daily, living, breathing reminder of the hole. My niece was born a mere month before her cousin should have been born. As much as I love my sister, watching her pregnancy progress along the 'natural' course was like hearing those words over and over and over again. And now, every milestone my niece passes, I watch with mixed emotions. I watch with the pure, unadulterated joy and unconditional love of the aunt that I am. And I watch, simultaneously, with the raw emotion of a should-have-been parent; of an infertile.
I do still have some inkling of hope that, someday, I will not dread December. That the end of another year will not mean another year that we failed to get (and stay) pregnant. That one December, someday, will mean our baby's first Christmas. And if it doesn't happen I still have hope that someday, some December will not mean agonizing over what could have -- should have -- been. That someday, some December I'll find that the hole isn't so much a hole anymore.
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
Sunday, November 23, 2008
this, that, and the other
So I actually enjoyed Twilight quite a bit. The book wasn't really all that great on the descriptive side of things so instead of going to the movie and saying "Yes! That's exactly how I pictured Bella and Edward!" I was more or less going "Ah...yeah, that's about what I pictured they'd look like." The movie followed the book for the most part but since I'd just finished reading the book the night before we saw the movie I kept whispering to The Monkey "That so is not how it happened in the book." whenever something went way off track. I am sure I got on his nerves once or twice, but oh well. :-P
After reading the first two books, I will admit to being completely hooked. It was more or less the compulsive desire to hear the rest of the story. I finished New Moon late Sunday evening and went to Wal-Mart Monday morning to get the third book, Eclipse. Wouldn't you know it, after the movie came out people flocked to Wal-Mart and bought all the books from the series! Wal-Mart was completely cleaened out. I was so anxious to read the following two installments that I drug my sister to Dothan to go to Barnes & Noble at 5:30 in the evening. It was nice to take a trip out without The Monkey breathing down my neck. Barnes & Noble is adjacent to Ulta. My last two trips to Dothan were with The Monkey and he absolutely WILL NOT allow me to enter that store. (For the record, he has good reason. Ulta quickly became a big vice for me last Christmas. [meep!]) So Michelle and I, after my gleeful purchase at B&N, walked next door and oogled all the girlie goodies in Ulta. I wound up buying Urban Decay's Brow Box in Brown Sugar. I had my eyebrows waxed about two weeks ago and the girl that did them was a little over-zealous with the plucking. (I knew I should've waited for the girl that did them last time as she did a phenomenal job. Live and learn, I suppose.) At any rate, my right brow was marginally shorter and thinner than my left. The brow kit I bought not only solved that problem but also made me take notice of how much difference enhancing your eyebrows can make! At least my manic spending spree wasn't severely over the top. :-P
Thanksgiving was a nice change of pace this year. We had less guests than last year so it wasn't as busy. I helped my mom prepare a lot of the more time consuming dishes on Wednesday as well as finishing up the baking. So Thursday was pretty leisurely as far as holiday madness goes. Dinner was, as expected, fantastic. I ate WAY too much for my own good, I'm sure. My Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Pie was to die for as was my aunt's pumpkin pie (made with fresh pumpkin) and my sister's Pumpkin Dump Cake. I'm sure I gained a solid five pounds in two days. I'm staying off the scale, though. I read quite a bit while everyone mulled around in the garage. I became quite engrossed in Breaking Dawn and it was difficult to put it down long enough to socialize with the family. So now the countdown 'til Christmas begins. I'm still feeling uneasy about the holidays this year. I'm fully expecting to fall into a rapid downward spiral. Post-holiday blues. Then again, I should be on meds by then so who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky.
My niece turned a year old this past Tuesday. We haven't celebrated with cake and singing Happy Birthday yet because she's been sick. She started running a fever on Friday and when it hadn't let up by Monday my sister took her to the pediatrician. She was diagnosed with a double ear infection and given a course of antibiotics. The poor thing hasn't been herself at all. She's been up at night wanting to nurse (even though she doesn't nurse much at all these days) mostly for comfort. She's not the smiley, happy baby that we're all accustomed to. And she's been napping almost constantly! On Tuesday she woke up around 9:00 and was back out by 10:00 and slept until 1:00-ish. Poor baby! So Michelle is planning on baking her a cake and doing the 'birthday thing' sometime this week. She did enjoy her first Thanksgiving, though! :-)
Speaking of birthdays, mine is right around the corner. I'm not sure what we're doing (if we do anything at all, that is). I was contemplating drinking myself into oblivion. One last hurrah before I'm back on meds and have to stay away from alcohol indefinitely. One year closer to the big three-oh. Sometimes I don't feel as old as I am. Other times (like when we went to see Twilight and I was surrounded by people at least 10 years younger than me) I really, really feel it.
After reading the first two books, I will admit to being completely hooked. It was more or less the compulsive desire to hear the rest of the story. I finished New Moon late Sunday evening and went to Wal-Mart Monday morning to get the third book, Eclipse. Wouldn't you know it, after the movie came out people flocked to Wal-Mart and bought all the books from the series! Wal-Mart was completely cleaened out. I was so anxious to read the following two installments that I drug my sister to Dothan to go to Barnes & Noble at 5:30 in the evening. It was nice to take a trip out without The Monkey breathing down my neck. Barnes & Noble is adjacent to Ulta. My last two trips to Dothan were with The Monkey and he absolutely WILL NOT allow me to enter that store. (For the record, he has good reason. Ulta quickly became a big vice for me last Christmas. [meep!]) So Michelle and I, after my gleeful purchase at B&N, walked next door and oogled all the girlie goodies in Ulta. I wound up buying Urban Decay's Brow Box in Brown Sugar. I had my eyebrows waxed about two weeks ago and the girl that did them was a little over-zealous with the plucking. (I knew I should've waited for the girl that did them last time as she did a phenomenal job. Live and learn, I suppose.) At any rate, my right brow was marginally shorter and thinner than my left. The brow kit I bought not only solved that problem but also made me take notice of how much difference enhancing your eyebrows can make! At least my manic spending spree wasn't severely over the top. :-P
Thanksgiving was a nice change of pace this year. We had less guests than last year so it wasn't as busy. I helped my mom prepare a lot of the more time consuming dishes on Wednesday as well as finishing up the baking. So Thursday was pretty leisurely as far as holiday madness goes. Dinner was, as expected, fantastic. I ate WAY too much for my own good, I'm sure. My Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Pie was to die for as was my aunt's pumpkin pie (made with fresh pumpkin) and my sister's Pumpkin Dump Cake. I'm sure I gained a solid five pounds in two days. I'm staying off the scale, though. I read quite a bit while everyone mulled around in the garage. I became quite engrossed in Breaking Dawn and it was difficult to put it down long enough to socialize with the family. So now the countdown 'til Christmas begins. I'm still feeling uneasy about the holidays this year. I'm fully expecting to fall into a rapid downward spiral. Post-holiday blues. Then again, I should be on meds by then so who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky.
My niece turned a year old this past Tuesday. We haven't celebrated with cake and singing Happy Birthday yet because she's been sick. She started running a fever on Friday and when it hadn't let up by Monday my sister took her to the pediatrician. She was diagnosed with a double ear infection and given a course of antibiotics. The poor thing hasn't been herself at all. She's been up at night wanting to nurse (even though she doesn't nurse much at all these days) mostly for comfort. She's not the smiley, happy baby that we're all accustomed to. And she's been napping almost constantly! On Tuesday she woke up around 9:00 and was back out by 10:00 and slept until 1:00-ish. Poor baby! So Michelle is planning on baking her a cake and doing the 'birthday thing' sometime this week. She did enjoy her first Thanksgiving, though! :-)
Speaking of birthdays, mine is right around the corner. I'm not sure what we're doing (if we do anything at all, that is). I was contemplating drinking myself into oblivion. One last hurrah before I'm back on meds and have to stay away from alcohol indefinitely. One year closer to the big three-oh. Sometimes I don't feel as old as I am. Other times (like when we went to see Twilight and I was surrounded by people at least 10 years younger than me) I really, really feel it.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
In the waiting line...
Another month in 2008 come and gone. And now October is already half over and I really don't have much to report. Tony's 35th birthday came and went. He's 35 and still no kids. It doesn't seem to bother him so I try not to let it bother me. We didn't do anything all that special. I baked him a four layer carrot cake with homemade cream cheese icing. It was delicious. I bought all the ingredients and my sister made him a wonderful lasagne dinner, per his request. He wanted World of Warcraft for his birthday but we kind of didn't have the money and he didn't hold up his end of the 'bargain' by getting a job. (We're both still fabulously unemployed.) When he didn't receive a gift from me first thing in the morning, he was convinced he wasn't getting anything. But I'm a big ol' sucker for my Monkey and Michelle and I made a trip to Walmart after supper to alledgedly pick up laundry detergent. I surprised him with the game after we had cake. He's massively addicted already, of course. He gets online every night and plays with his brother and two of their good friends. At least he's social in some aspect, right? So that was that.
The month of September also found my just barely 10 month old niece WALKING! She was so wobbly at first we joked and said she looked like a staggering drunk. But she's so smart and she mastered it in a couple of weeks and now she zooms across the living room and only falls down occasionally. She's almost completely abandoned crawling all together in favor of her new found mode of locomotion. She really is a delight and I'm just amazed that she'll be a year old in a month and 10 days!
Nothing else spectacular has been going on. My sister has developed a serious Webkinz habit. She's collected about three dozen of her own, not including her childrens'. They have roughly a dozen each. I wasn't real big on the whole thing and at first just bought the Cheeky Monkey because it was really cute and I thought it would be equally as cute to name it Tony after my Monkey. I stuck with the one since July until I saw the Lil' Kinz Monkey in Walgreens one day. I HAD to have it. Then I bought the regular Monkey. The Lil' Kinz Monkey is named Junior and the bigger version of Junior is George (as in Curious...). I was happy having a little house with three little monkeys and that was that. I planned on buying the Love Monkey in December when it's released and naming it Melissa just because. But then Webkinz came out with a whole Haunted House room theme for Halloween. This prompted me to purchase the bat and name it Leilah (it means 'dark beauty) and decorate her room with all the cool haunted house themed items. Today I absolutely HAD to have the Whimsical Dragon which I named Mysti. My collection is complete for a little while.
Halloween is coming up. Unfortunately my grandmother has been in the hospital for about a month due to congestive heart failure. Her heart isn't pumping enough blood through her body and it's making it hard for her to breathe and such. She has to have bypass surgery sometime next month when the doctors can get her stable enough. My parents were supposed to go down to Florida for a week beginning the weekend of Halloween which meant no Halloween party this year. I was pretty bummed but naturally I understood. However, Mom's vacation got canceled because they're having a huge sale that weekend and her boss pulled the plug on her vacation time. So now the party is tentatively back on. So I have a couple of weeks to throw together costumes for Tony and me. Something cheap and easy. I want to go as Alice from Alice in Wonderland next year and have Tony go as the Mad Hatter.
Tony is actively looking for jobs. He found something promising here in Enterprise. It's an assistant manager position at a local finance place. He's very much qualified and plans to talk to the manager on Monday when she gets back from vacation. As a back up plan, he's submitted apps to Game Stop (because he thinks it would be cool to work at a game store), RadioShack (he's worked there before) for seasonal work, and at PizzaHut and Papa John's as a delivery driver. :-p Hey, it would be income at least.
I, on the other hand, have stopped looking for work and decided to apply for disability. I put in my application today and expect to get a denial on my claim sometime in December. In the meantime, the very nice lady at the SSA office told me to contact a place called SpectraCare that offers free mental health treatment (meds included) to low/no income families. I'm calling them tomorrow. If I get approved for disability without having to go through an appeal I'll be completely amazed. But I'm honestly expecting to get denied and already have an attorney lined up for the appeal process.
In other not-so-special but really fun news for me... I got a yellow iPod Nano the other day! It's loaded up with every single song we have stored on our computer and still have 2 GB to spare. Hooray! I spent two days going through every one of our music files and retagging them using MediaMonkey so they'd all have the right artist, song title, album title, track number, and, most importantly, the album art associated with each one. It was a SERIOUS pain in my ass but totally worth it because my iPod has the cover flow feature just like iTunes. (And, yes, I am a shameless bootlegger and abuse the HELL out of Limewire every chance I get.)
And that's about it for my 'exciting' life. School is still going well. We're in week seven of this term and I have a 99% average in my Fundamentals of Networking with Lab class. Next term I'm taking two classes and the following term one class for a total of 12 credit hours for the semester. I'm going to wind up having to pay about $250 out of pocket for book and technology fees but it'll be worth it to graduate a little sooner.
Also, Ray and Michelle's PCS has been postponed until summer of next year. We're still considering moving with them depending on our situation when the time comes. I still feel like a change could do us some serious good but we'll see. A lot can change in six months, right?
The month of September also found my just barely 10 month old niece WALKING! She was so wobbly at first we joked and said she looked like a staggering drunk. But she's so smart and she mastered it in a couple of weeks and now she zooms across the living room and only falls down occasionally. She's almost completely abandoned crawling all together in favor of her new found mode of locomotion. She really is a delight and I'm just amazed that she'll be a year old in a month and 10 days!
Nothing else spectacular has been going on. My sister has developed a serious Webkinz habit. She's collected about three dozen of her own, not including her childrens'. They have roughly a dozen each. I wasn't real big on the whole thing and at first just bought the Cheeky Monkey because it was really cute and I thought it would be equally as cute to name it Tony after my Monkey. I stuck with the one since July until I saw the Lil' Kinz Monkey in Walgreens one day. I HAD to have it. Then I bought the regular Monkey. The Lil' Kinz Monkey is named Junior and the bigger version of Junior is George (as in Curious...). I was happy having a little house with three little monkeys and that was that. I planned on buying the Love Monkey in December when it's released and naming it Melissa just because. But then Webkinz came out with a whole Haunted House room theme for Halloween. This prompted me to purchase the bat and name it Leilah (it means 'dark beauty) and decorate her room with all the cool haunted house themed items. Today I absolutely HAD to have the Whimsical Dragon which I named Mysti. My collection is complete for a little while.
Halloween is coming up. Unfortunately my grandmother has been in the hospital for about a month due to congestive heart failure. Her heart isn't pumping enough blood through her body and it's making it hard for her to breathe and such. She has to have bypass surgery sometime next month when the doctors can get her stable enough. My parents were supposed to go down to Florida for a week beginning the weekend of Halloween which meant no Halloween party this year. I was pretty bummed but naturally I understood. However, Mom's vacation got canceled because they're having a huge sale that weekend and her boss pulled the plug on her vacation time. So now the party is tentatively back on. So I have a couple of weeks to throw together costumes for Tony and me. Something cheap and easy. I want to go as Alice from Alice in Wonderland next year and have Tony go as the Mad Hatter.
Tony is actively looking for jobs. He found something promising here in Enterprise. It's an assistant manager position at a local finance place. He's very much qualified and plans to talk to the manager on Monday when she gets back from vacation. As a back up plan, he's submitted apps to Game Stop (because he thinks it would be cool to work at a game store), RadioShack (he's worked there before) for seasonal work, and at PizzaHut and Papa John's as a delivery driver. :-p Hey, it would be income at least.
I, on the other hand, have stopped looking for work and decided to apply for disability. I put in my application today and expect to get a denial on my claim sometime in December. In the meantime, the very nice lady at the SSA office told me to contact a place called SpectraCare that offers free mental health treatment (meds included) to low/no income families. I'm calling them tomorrow. If I get approved for disability without having to go through an appeal I'll be completely amazed. But I'm honestly expecting to get denied and already have an attorney lined up for the appeal process.
In other not-so-special but really fun news for me... I got a yellow iPod Nano the other day! It's loaded up with every single song we have stored on our computer and still have 2 GB to spare. Hooray! I spent two days going through every one of our music files and retagging them using MediaMonkey so they'd all have the right artist, song title, album title, track number, and, most importantly, the album art associated with each one. It was a SERIOUS pain in my ass but totally worth it because my iPod has the cover flow feature just like iTunes. (And, yes, I am a shameless bootlegger and abuse the HELL out of Limewire every chance I get.)
And that's about it for my 'exciting' life. School is still going well. We're in week seven of this term and I have a 99% average in my Fundamentals of Networking with Lab class. Next term I'm taking two classes and the following term one class for a total of 12 credit hours for the semester. I'm going to wind up having to pay about $250 out of pocket for book and technology fees but it'll be worth it to graduate a little sooner.
Also, Ray and Michelle's PCS has been postponed until summer of next year. We're still considering moving with them depending on our situation when the time comes. I still feel like a change could do us some serious good but we'll see. A lot can change in six months, right?
Friday, September 5, 2008
new month = new post. uh huh.
Things are strange. I can hardly believe it's September already. The Monkey's unemployment is almost up. [meep] Time to find jobs like real people.
Moods are all over the freaking map. I lost 10 pounds during my fleet of hypomania. Living on Diet Cherry Coke and Sugar Free Red Bull and cigarettes will do that. I've gained about half of the 10 pounds back after the inevitable spiral back into depression earlier this week. Eating brownies and various Little Debbie cakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And sometimes at 3:00 AM when the insomnia would take over. Antidepressants didn't do much for me except make me a cranky wench after the initial "high" of euphoric hypomania wore off. Started getting an earache Monday afternoon. Went to the doctor on Tuesday morning and was diagnosed with "otitis externa" or swimmer's ear. Even though I haven't been swimming in WEEKS. Must've been from showering. Using some antibiotic ear drops but they don't seem to be helping. The Monkey promises we'll go back to the doctor on Monday if I'm still not any better. Living off Ultram, Ibuprofen, Tylenol, and various muscle relaxers in the mean time. At least I'm getting some sleep. God how I miss Klonopin. Xanax is okay in a pinch (and it's wonderous for anxiety) but Klonopin puts me OUT when I take it at night. There's something to be said for a full, SOLID eight hours of sleep. Yes. Most of the sleep I'm getting nowdays is broken into two and three hour increments at best. Oh well. At least I'm catching up on my Angel and Charmed reruns. [eyeroll]
Decisions to be made. Work to be done. Totally NOT interested in school. I blame the ear infection. Passed my last class with a 99.5% average. I missed five whole points on my final exam and ZERO points on everything else. I fucking rule. Sis and brother-in-law are on tentative orders to PCS at the end of this year. Destination: Fort Bliss, TX. (Basically El Paso.) The Monkey and I have been invited to join them in the move and we are seriously considering it. After all, there's really nothing compelling tying us to Alabama. My parents don't want us to go but seriously, they'll get over it. And I'll miss them, but I'll also miss my sis and the kids if/when they do leave. Not to mention I'll miss out on all the wonderous baby firsts that I've gotten to experience with Madison Michele. Who, by the way, turned 9 months on the 25th of August and has already taken her first steps! Babies are just so... neat.
More later. Possibly with some sort of coherence. Now it's time to check on my Webkinz (I'm totally addicted) and lie down to watch Food Network Night time. Tomorrow is definitely homework and studying.
Moods are all over the freaking map. I lost 10 pounds during my fleet of hypomania. Living on Diet Cherry Coke and Sugar Free Red Bull and cigarettes will do that. I've gained about half of the 10 pounds back after the inevitable spiral back into depression earlier this week. Eating brownies and various Little Debbie cakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And sometimes at 3:00 AM when the insomnia would take over. Antidepressants didn't do much for me except make me a cranky wench after the initial "high" of euphoric hypomania wore off. Started getting an earache Monday afternoon. Went to the doctor on Tuesday morning and was diagnosed with "otitis externa" or swimmer's ear. Even though I haven't been swimming in WEEKS. Must've been from showering. Using some antibiotic ear drops but they don't seem to be helping. The Monkey promises we'll go back to the doctor on Monday if I'm still not any better. Living off Ultram, Ibuprofen, Tylenol, and various muscle relaxers in the mean time. At least I'm getting some sleep. God how I miss Klonopin. Xanax is okay in a pinch (and it's wonderous for anxiety) but Klonopin puts me OUT when I take it at night. There's something to be said for a full, SOLID eight hours of sleep. Yes. Most of the sleep I'm getting nowdays is broken into two and three hour increments at best. Oh well. At least I'm catching up on my Angel and Charmed reruns. [eyeroll]
Decisions to be made. Work to be done. Totally NOT interested in school. I blame the ear infection. Passed my last class with a 99.5% average. I missed five whole points on my final exam and ZERO points on everything else. I fucking rule. Sis and brother-in-law are on tentative orders to PCS at the end of this year. Destination: Fort Bliss, TX. (Basically El Paso.) The Monkey and I have been invited to join them in the move and we are seriously considering it. After all, there's really nothing compelling tying us to Alabama. My parents don't want us to go but seriously, they'll get over it. And I'll miss them, but I'll also miss my sis and the kids if/when they do leave. Not to mention I'll miss out on all the wonderous baby firsts that I've gotten to experience with Madison Michele. Who, by the way, turned 9 months on the 25th of August and has already taken her first steps! Babies are just so... neat.
More later. Possibly with some sort of coherence. Now it's time to check on my Webkinz (I'm totally addicted) and lie down to watch Food Network Night time. Tomorrow is definitely homework and studying.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
realizations
I babysat my niece for the first time today. It wasn't for long but it was fun. She slept for me so I didn't have to entertain her much. Then we went to my parents' house for supper and she got in the pool for the first time! She was so cute kicking her legs and propelling herself across the pool. She's such a doll.
Every day I become more and more okay with being Auntie Lissa and Uncle Tony for the rest of my life.
Every day I become more and more okay with being Auntie Lissa and Uncle Tony for the rest of my life.
Friday, January 11, 2008
ooh loook! a little plastic castle
There's a song, forever and ever a favorite of mine, that refers to a goldfish's memory (or lack thereof) and how the little plastic castle is a surprise every time. I feel like a goldfish today. I can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. I have this big project looming over me all ominous and threatening like but even that isn't motivation enough to get it done. Oh wells. I'm sure I can finish it Monday (when I'll hopefully be more focused).
I blame myself, of course. I know for sure I forgot to take my meds last night. (The storms and everything threw me off.) And I think I might've forgotten them the night before. Grrr... hiss. I know I'm okay with the anti-depressants because Prozac has a half life of like six days. So I'm good there. But I'm not sure what the half life of Abilify is. Hrmm. Must research. Noted: 75 hours. So I should be okay there too. I guess it's the caffeine that's made me all loopy. Anyways.
Something wonderful happened to me today. My niece SMILED at me for the first time! That gorgeous little baby grin just melted my heart. She did it repeatedly, too, so I know it wasn't a fluke! She's already gotten so big. If I don't see her for a week she's changed so much by the time I see her again. Amazing.
All my TTC stuff is on hold. I'm planning on drinking again this weekend. I figured fuck it, right? What do I have to lose? If I don't live my life now and I still don't have a baby five years down the road I know for sure that I will regret it. I still plan on doing injects and IUI but I'm not going to stress myself out about it anymore. It's just gotten to be such an unhealthy thing to immerse myself in. Instead, I'm focusing on me (and Tony) in the here and NOW. And I feel much, much better! I've also decided that my meds, no matter what unknowns may be, are a must. They have to stay, TTC, pregnant, or not. The risks are too great. I was in such a bad place just a few weeks ago. I can't go to that place while I'm carrying a child - or even now! It's not a fun place to go, I promise. Just so it's made clear, bipolar disorder is a disorder that cannot be fixed or treated (very often) with just therapy. I knew this when I stopped my meds but I wanted to give it a go anyway. It just doesn't work. At least not for me. Bipolar disorder is chemical - my brain (not mind) doesn't work right and when those chemicals go wacky, consequently, so do I. So that's that.
I'm very eager for this day to be OVER so I can go home, finish my homework, and start my freaking weekend!
I blame myself, of course. I know for sure I forgot to take my meds last night. (The storms and everything threw me off.) And I think I might've forgotten them the night before. Grrr... hiss. I know I'm okay with the anti-depressants because Prozac has a half life of like six days. So I'm good there. But I'm not sure what the half life of Abilify is. Hrmm. Must research. Noted: 75 hours. So I should be okay there too. I guess it's the caffeine that's made me all loopy. Anyways.
Something wonderful happened to me today. My niece SMILED at me for the first time! That gorgeous little baby grin just melted my heart. She did it repeatedly, too, so I know it wasn't a fluke! She's already gotten so big. If I don't see her for a week she's changed so much by the time I see her again. Amazing.
All my TTC stuff is on hold. I'm planning on drinking again this weekend. I figured fuck it, right? What do I have to lose? If I don't live my life now and I still don't have a baby five years down the road I know for sure that I will regret it. I still plan on doing injects and IUI but I'm not going to stress myself out about it anymore. It's just gotten to be such an unhealthy thing to immerse myself in. Instead, I'm focusing on me (and Tony) in the here and NOW. And I feel much, much better! I've also decided that my meds, no matter what unknowns may be, are a must. They have to stay, TTC, pregnant, or not. The risks are too great. I was in such a bad place just a few weeks ago. I can't go to that place while I'm carrying a child - or even now! It's not a fun place to go, I promise. Just so it's made clear, bipolar disorder is a disorder that cannot be fixed or treated (very often) with just therapy. I knew this when I stopped my meds but I wanted to give it a go anyway. It just doesn't work. At least not for me. Bipolar disorder is chemical - my brain (not mind) doesn't work right and when those chemicals go wacky, consequently, so do I. So that's that.
I'm very eager for this day to be OVER so I can go home, finish my homework, and start my freaking weekend!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
create in me (wishful thoughts)
I keep thinking that Tony and I should clear out the spare bedroom (read: the future nursery). Right now it is packed full of clutter and junk; stuff that we need to sort through anyway. There are hundreds of books, two PCs (neither of which is more than an oversized paper weight), a dresser that functions poorly, bags of clothes that need to go to the Christian Mission, Christmas decorations, and lots of other miscellaneous junk that, like I said, needs sorting. I'd like to get it all cleared out and then paint. And possibly pick out some curtains. I don't want to do anything dramatic like buy baby furniture or anything, but I'd like to start preparing at least a little bit. Perhaps it'll open a window of positive energy. Besides, I hate going in that room. We really need a couple of book shelves. Among other things.
My sister had her baby on Sunday afternoon. It was an incredible experience that I'll not soon forget. In fact, I don't think I ever will. Madison Michele was born at 2:03 PM at Enterprise Medical Center. She weighed 8 lbs 10 oz and was 21 inches long! She was a big girl but so tiny just the same. She's perfect in every way imaginable. Last night I visited the hospital to keep my sister company for a couple of hours. After Maddy through a holy hell fit about getting her poopy diaper changed, she was pretty tuckered out. So I snuggled her for about a half hour. For the first 15 minutes or so, she did nothing but squirm (she's such a wiggle worm!) and stare at me. Talk about melt your heart! Then she started getting antsy so I gave her the binky and before long she was sound asleep in my arms, sucking her binky and holding tightly onto my thumb. All I could think is how badly I wanted to have a baby of my own to rock to sleep. Of course, for now, Madison is a good substitute and I am completely in love! (Picture was taken shortly after Madison was born on Sunday. Surprisingly, I don't look too bad for having on almost no makeup! ;))
In TTC news, I started my injections last night. They have me on 75mIU of Follistim again but I'm thinking of upping it to 100mIU. I responded slowly last time on 75 and I don't want to have to make multiple trips to Montgomery again. Hopefully CD 12 will leave me with at least two, hopefully three good follicles. Last time, I only had one. :-/ I'm really hopeful for this cycle. I'd love a September baby. I remember this time last year, wanting a September baby. September has come and gone. But I won't be defeated. This journey will soon end happily. It just has to.
My sister had her baby on Sunday afternoon. It was an incredible experience that I'll not soon forget. In fact, I don't think I ever will. Madison Michele was born at 2:03 PM at Enterprise Medical Center. She weighed 8 lbs 10 oz and was 21 inches long! She was a big girl but so tiny just the same. She's perfect in every way imaginable. Last night I visited the hospital to keep my sister company for a couple of hours. After Maddy through a holy hell fit about getting her poopy diaper changed, she was pretty tuckered out. So I snuggled her for about a half hour. For the first 15 minutes or so, she did nothing but squirm (she's such a wiggle worm!) and stare at me. Talk about melt your heart! Then she started getting antsy so I gave her the binky and before long she was sound asleep in my arms, sucking her binky and holding tightly onto my thumb. All I could think is how badly I wanted to have a baby of my own to rock to sleep. Of course, for now, Madison is a good substitute and I am completely in love! (Picture was taken shortly after Madison was born on Sunday. Surprisingly, I don't look too bad for having on almost no makeup! ;))
In TTC news, I started my injections last night. They have me on 75mIU of Follistim again but I'm thinking of upping it to 100mIU. I responded slowly last time on 75 and I don't want to have to make multiple trips to Montgomery again. Hopefully CD 12 will leave me with at least two, hopefully three good follicles. Last time, I only had one. :-/ I'm really hopeful for this cycle. I'd love a September baby. I remember this time last year, wanting a September baby. September has come and gone. But I won't be defeated. This journey will soon end happily. It just has to.
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