The Changeling

So much is changing. I've spent the last five years of my existance focusing on having a family; making a baby. I'm not as focused on that anymore. I'm more preoccupied with my next mood swing and will it be destructive like the last few have. Meh.

I'm adjusted on 1200mg of Lithium daily now. I'm also still taking 15 mg of Abilify and 1/2 a mg of Xanax PRN and 10 mg of Ambien PRN. I seem to PRN my PRN drugs a lot more than I should. Double meh.

I'm not completely done/given up TTC. In fact, I fully intend on having sex tonight in an effort to maybe catch a miracle egg. My hopes are not high but ideas are soaring through my head. What would it be like to get pregnant without any assistance. Without needle pokes and visits with the dildo cam? I imagine it would be nothing short of miraculous. But I am about to ovulate according to my OPKs and my body signs (not to mention the wicked ovulation pain I had yesterday afternoon). Perhaps this will be my lucky egg... perhaps not.

I'm trying to work on my tan. Jergen's "Natural Glow" is lending me a hand. Fake tanning is a trip. I just want that "healthy" looking glow. It's working, too.

Tony and I will be starting back on the South Beach Diet next week, also. I need to lose at least 25 pounds by summertime. The first 10 should come off rather easy it'll be that second 15 that'll hold me up. But I'm going to try, I have to try.

Mother's Day this weekend. The thought of it makes me want to slit my wrists.