I swear, since the flooding, this carpet has attracted more crap in the past few weeks than it had in the [almost] year it has covered the garage floor. The last four days have been full of cat puke. Everywhere. At least a dozen piles of it. Plus a few hairballs. (We're working on controlling the culprit's, who turned out to be Jasmine, diet in hopes of solving the issue without an expensive visit to the vet. The only thing I can think is that maybe she ate a bad bug or a spider? But she doesn't puke when she is in the kennel so we're feeding her small amounts in the morning and the evening before bed and putting her in the kennel overnight. This seems to stave off the puke-a-rama.)
But back to the carpet.
This evening The Monkey was sitting down watching a bit of the tube when my six year old nephew walked up to the screen door, promptly dropped his drawers, and began emptying his full bladder onto our carpet through the screen door. The Monkey was like "Dude! Wake up!" but you know boys... once they start, they can't stop. So we spent the last 20 minutes cleaning up pee (my sister helped, of course) and cracking up because, hey, it was pretty freaking hilarious. This is the second time he's done this and all we can deduce is that he's just really tired when it happens and gets lost/confused in his walking coma-like state. The last time he did it he peed on my sister's bed. But that was a couple of years ago, easy. So it's not a common occurance or anything.
Any more freakish fluids on this carpet and I'm going to have to rent a Rug Doctor. Actually, that doesn't sound like a half bad idea at all. :-/
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
my less than exciting life
I've started a few entries over the last two weeks and I just haven't had the energy or motivation to finish them. Not to mention I'm just having trouble finding a way to put things into words. I feel totally inadequate as a writer these days.
I really have nothing to report. Unless you want to hear about the last four days of my constant cleaning of cat puke. Probably not, though.
The new meds seem to be doing just fine. The only problem I've had thus far was a really bad headache yesterday. But I was over it by 1:00-ish. I also had some pretty wacky and intense hallucinations a few nights back. I'll be sure to keep an eye on that. Also having strange waking nightmart type things where I wake up in the middle of the night and completely panic because I don't know where I am. I'm not sure if that's the meds or not. I guess we'll see.
Life is boring. I feel like everything is on pause. Or rather I'm on pause and the rest of the world is moving in fast forward around me. The Monkey changed job positions and is adjusting well. If they'd only hire him on as a permanent employee I'd be thrilled. He's changing shifts next week from 9:00 to 6:00 to 7:00 to 4:00. Also he'll be working once every third weekend. His schedule should go from being horribly erratic to stable once the changes take effect.
It's a nice day out and I'm seriously considering getting outside in the sunshine and washing/waxing my car. I haven't done it in... uh... probably a year. Well, not a serious wash, anyway. I've been to the car wash a few times and rinsed it a few times but I haven't detailed the poor thing in forever.
Mostly my life is boring.
I really have nothing to report. Unless you want to hear about the last four days of my constant cleaning of cat puke. Probably not, though.
The new meds seem to be doing just fine. The only problem I've had thus far was a really bad headache yesterday. But I was over it by 1:00-ish. I also had some pretty wacky and intense hallucinations a few nights back. I'll be sure to keep an eye on that. Also having strange waking nightmart type things where I wake up in the middle of the night and completely panic because I don't know where I am. I'm not sure if that's the meds or not. I guess we'll see.
Life is boring. I feel like everything is on pause. Or rather I'm on pause and the rest of the world is moving in fast forward around me. The Monkey changed job positions and is adjusting well. If they'd only hire him on as a permanent employee I'd be thrilled. He's changing shifts next week from 9:00 to 6:00 to 7:00 to 4:00. Also he'll be working once every third weekend. His schedule should go from being horribly erratic to stable once the changes take effect.
It's a nice day out and I'm seriously considering getting outside in the sunshine and washing/waxing my car. I haven't done it in... uh... probably a year. Well, not a serious wash, anyway. I've been to the car wash a few times and rinsed it a few times but I haven't detailed the poor thing in forever.
Mostly my life is boring.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
nuh uh!
I totally don't believe in alternate dimensions that appear in vortexes on the ceiling when I wake up in the middle of the night. Nor do I believe that someone is moving doors and switching things around while I'm sleeping. And I DO know where I live and where I fall asleep and therefore where I am when wake up. And I also know who I am.
thanksverymuch
thanksverymuch
Thursday, April 23, 2009
how I know
I know this is depression because I have plenty of things that I need to write about, plenty of things I want to say, but I just can't find the words (or the energy) to type them all out.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
the box office boogie
I think I like going to the Drive-In better than a regular theater. It's loads cheaper for starters. We spent less than $30 to get in, get popcorn and drinks; we cheated and bough candy at Walmart, though, but that is included in the under $30 quote. Not to mention they run double features so we got to see two movies for a $1.00 less a head that it costs to get in the theater. Both movies were pretty good. Fast & Furious turned out to be a prequel to The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift which neither of us knew. That didn't take away from the movie, though. What The Monkey and I didn't like was the fact that this particular adaptation of the series was not at all like the others. It simply wasn't all about the cars and the street racing. Which was a bit of a let down because that's the reason we both like those movies. Fast cars and crazy driving make us foam at the mouth. :P The second movie, The Last House on the Left was okay, I guess. Worth sitting through just because we could. I wouldn't have paid extra to see it, though. It was fun cheering on the good guys because they completely got revenge on the bad guys. Wes Craven and Co. lose MAJOR kudos, however, for a ridiculously long and obscene rape scene, though. I mean, really. The implication that the girl was going to be raped was plenty for the story line. Did we actually have to see the rest of the brutality. It truly disgusted me and I was glad when the girl's father exacted a nice brutal revenge on her attacker.
Next up on the box office MUST SEE list for The Monkey and me: Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen both coming out in July. Despite it being such a better deal to see movies at the Drive-In we will most likely see both of these movies in the actual theater. Because Transformers (the first one) was so freaking kick ass in Dolby Digital Surround Sound and we'll likely drag the kiddos with us to see Harry Potter. I did promise them after all. :)
Now I'm going to go join The Monkey on the couch and listen to him quote The Matrix (which happens to be on TNT right this very moment) and hopefully fall asleep rather quickly. After tonight's indulgence I will definitely need to get out and walk on Monday. I haven't gained more than a few pounds in the two weeks I haven't walked but I certainly haven't lost any either. I'm falling behind schedule! Simply intolerable.
Next up on the box office MUST SEE list for The Monkey and me: Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen both coming out in July. Despite it being such a better deal to see movies at the Drive-In we will most likely see both of these movies in the actual theater. Because Transformers (the first one) was so freaking kick ass in Dolby Digital Surround Sound and we'll likely drag the kiddos with us to see Harry Potter. I did promise them after all. :)
Now I'm going to go join The Monkey on the couch and listen to him quote The Matrix (which happens to be on TNT right this very moment) and hopefully fall asleep rather quickly. After tonight's indulgence I will definitely need to get out and walk on Monday. I haven't gained more than a few pounds in the two weeks I haven't walked but I certainly haven't lost any either. I'm falling behind schedule! Simply intolerable.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
celebrating five years (a few days late...)
Tonight The Monkey and I are going to head to the local Drive-In to see Fast & Furious and The House on the Left. Mostly we're interested in Fast & Furious, the second movie is just a bonus. (Gotta love double features!) The movies start at approximately 7:45 so I'm guessing we'll head out somewhere for dinner around four. I guess that means I should head upstairs and get showered! We slept until 12:00 today. We were up until 2:00 watching The Fast & The Furious because I hadn't seen all of it. It's second only to The Matrix as The Monkey's favorite movie.
Also, I got my ring yesterday! It's SOOOO pretty! I tried to get a decent pic of it but my camera SUCKS at the macro function. The inscriptions were smaller than I expected (the website photo makes them look huge!) but the stones are just gorgeous. Sapphire and Blue Topaz really do sit well together. ;)
So far Lamictal has caused me NO grief. I keep checking myself for any hint/signs of a rash and I have none. Also, NO HEADACHES to date. Hoorah! I was pretty energetic yesterday. I got up early to watch the kiddos while my sister went to D-Town to pick up her hubby from the hospital. (He just had back surgery again.) When I put Madison down for a nap I started putting away all the [clean] laundry that had piled up since we flooded. I also did all of the dirty laundry so I had a mountain of clean clothes to fold and put away. I despise laundry! But I got it all done and then spent the rest of my afternoon reorganizing drawers. The Monkey has his own chest of drawers and all of my stuff is taking up the dresser and the [larger] chest of drawers. Yikes! Me thinks it's time to downsize. Our hanging clothes rack is packed full as well. I would like to go through those clothes and pull down all of my work clothes and put them in a bin and take them to storage. That would free up a LOT of space. But we'll see. It was a nice productive day and I was thrilled to have enough energy to buckle down and do it. I haven't had focused energy like that in a while. I was all Wow the Lamictal is working already! until I started doing other things that were more indicative of being hypomanic more than anything. Oh wells. At least it's not giving me any side effects.
Ok, time to go shower! I need to get primped and prettied for dinner and the movies. Which will involve makeup (of course) and flat ironing my hair!
Also, I got my ring yesterday! It's SOOOO pretty! I tried to get a decent pic of it but my camera SUCKS at the macro function. The inscriptions were smaller than I expected (the website photo makes them look huge!) but the stones are just gorgeous. Sapphire and Blue Topaz really do sit well together. ;)
So far Lamictal has caused me NO grief. I keep checking myself for any hint/signs of a rash and I have none. Also, NO HEADACHES to date. Hoorah! I was pretty energetic yesterday. I got up early to watch the kiddos while my sister went to D-Town to pick up her hubby from the hospital. (He just had back surgery again.) When I put Madison down for a nap I started putting away all the [clean] laundry that had piled up since we flooded. I also did all of the dirty laundry so I had a mountain of clean clothes to fold and put away. I despise laundry! But I got it all done and then spent the rest of my afternoon reorganizing drawers. The Monkey has his own chest of drawers and all of my stuff is taking up the dresser and the [larger] chest of drawers. Yikes! Me thinks it's time to downsize. Our hanging clothes rack is packed full as well. I would like to go through those clothes and pull down all of my work clothes and put them in a bin and take them to storage. That would free up a LOT of space. But we'll see. It was a nice productive day and I was thrilled to have enough energy to buckle down and do it. I haven't had focused energy like that in a while. I was all Wow the Lamictal is working already! until I started doing other things that were more indicative of being hypomanic more than anything. Oh wells. At least it's not giving me any side effects.
Ok, time to go shower! I need to get primped and prettied for dinner and the movies. Which will involve makeup (of course) and flat ironing my hair!
Friday, April 17, 2009
all aboard the SS Lamotrigine
Lamictal is a fun medication. It can cause all sorts of freaky side effects the most notable of which is a potentially deadly rash (aka Stevens-Johnson Syndrome). Thankfully the rash can be cured by discontinuing the medication and it tends to hit slow and kill even slower. So like I could walk around with a rash for weeks without dying. [whew]
It also has a notable side effect of headaches. I'm going to try to ignore this tidbit of information. The only person in my family that rivals me in headache suffrage is my oldest sister. We've both been on Topamax for said headaches -- she longer than I. She has NO complaints about Lamictal and says it really has helped her a lot. I'm not sure if she knew it can cause headaches or not. If it did cause headaches for her, they weren't bothersome enough to merit concern. [double whew]
Back to The Rash. So apparently the best way to avoid The Rash (if it can be avoided; some people simply can't tolerate Lamictal) is to titrate the dose v-e-r-y s--l--o--w--l--y. I knew this before I even had a vested interest in taking it because I frequent crazymeds.us though I was never particularly observant of the recommended titration schedule. I just knew that starting slowly was key.
So when I went to get my scrip filled this afternoon (thank goodness for being on the medication assistance program!) I read the prescription bottle. "Take 1/2 [100mg] tablet twice a day." 50mg twice a day. I knew that was WAY too high a starting dosage without even doing any further research. Thankfully not only is my sister on this medication, so are a few of my [online] friends. My friend SK was vehement that the starting dosage was WAAAAAAY to high and recommended taking 25mg a day for a week or two to start, increase to 50mg for a week or two, then 100mg for a week, then 200mg for a week. Then I found the recommended titration schedule where else but the manufaturer's website. It too said 25mgs for the first two weeks, 50mg weeks three and four, 100mg for week five, and 200mg thereafter. WTF is my pdoc trying to kill me?!? Or is she really that big of a Lithium pusher that she wanted me to develop The Rash of Death so I couldn't take Lamictal?? Mostly I think she's probably fabulously unobservant. Or something.
So I took my first 25ish mg dose tonight. I say 25ish because I had to quarter a 100mg tablet. And the tablets are shield shaped and only perfectly semetrical ONE way; the top half being wider than the bottom half of the pill. Why the geniuses at the pharmacy didn't just give me 25mg tablets I don't know. (GSK doesn't make a 50mg tablet oddly enough.)
At any rate, keep your fingers crossed that I don't develop any horrible, intolerable side effects, especially The Rash. AND that this is my "miracle" drug.
That is pretty much all. Tomorrow will be an awesomesauce Friday. My anniversary present will be here! Super excited! Plus, it's Friday and The Monkey has off all weekend. And I'm feeling pretty optimistic about things for the moment. Let's hope it holds up!
It also has a notable side effect of headaches. I'm going to try to ignore this tidbit of information. The only person in my family that rivals me in headache suffrage is my oldest sister. We've both been on Topamax for said headaches -- she longer than I. She has NO complaints about Lamictal and says it really has helped her a lot. I'm not sure if she knew it can cause headaches or not. If it did cause headaches for her, they weren't bothersome enough to merit concern. [double whew]
Back to The Rash. So apparently the best way to avoid The Rash (if it can be avoided; some people simply can't tolerate Lamictal) is to titrate the dose v-e-r-y s--l--o--w--l--y. I knew this before I even had a vested interest in taking it because I frequent crazymeds.us though I was never particularly observant of the recommended titration schedule. I just knew that starting slowly was key.
So when I went to get my scrip filled this afternoon (thank goodness for being on the medication assistance program!) I read the prescription bottle. "Take 1/2 [100mg] tablet twice a day." 50mg twice a day. I knew that was WAY too high a starting dosage without even doing any further research. Thankfully not only is my sister on this medication, so are a few of my [online] friends. My friend SK was vehement that the starting dosage was WAAAAAAY to high and recommended taking 25mg a day for a week or two to start, increase to 50mg for a week or two, then 100mg for a week, then 200mg for a week. Then I found the recommended titration schedule where else but the manufaturer's website. It too said 25mgs for the first two weeks, 50mg weeks three and four, 100mg for week five, and 200mg thereafter. WTF is my pdoc trying to kill me?!? Or is she really that big of a Lithium pusher that she wanted me to develop The Rash of Death so I couldn't take Lamictal?? Mostly I think she's probably fabulously unobservant. Or something.
So I took my first 25ish mg dose tonight. I say 25ish because I had to quarter a 100mg tablet. And the tablets are shield shaped and only perfectly semetrical ONE way; the top half being wider than the bottom half of the pill. Why the geniuses at the pharmacy didn't just give me 25mg tablets I don't know. (GSK doesn't make a 50mg tablet oddly enough.)
At any rate, keep your fingers crossed that I don't develop any horrible, intolerable side effects, especially The Rash. AND that this is my "miracle" drug.
That is pretty much all. Tomorrow will be an awesomesauce Friday. My anniversary present will be here! Super excited! Plus, it's Friday and The Monkey has off all weekend. And I'm feeling pretty optimistic about things for the moment. Let's hope it holds up!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
screw tax day... happy 5th anniversary to us!
Everywhere I turn today I'm reading about the Tax Day Teaparties and all things political. It's really kind of on my nerves. Yes, this is going to be a ME ME ME post. :P
It really and truly is not my fault that The Monkey and I got hitched on tax day. It just so happens that we officially started dating on April 14th and I wanted to get married a year to the day that we'd started dating. But when I called to schedule our "ceremony" I was told that the judge wouldn't be in that day. So they scheduled me for the 15th. And now we have two anniversaries the more "recognized" of which happens to fall on tax day. [eyeroll]
But oh well.
My Monkey is good to me. He makes me happy even if I'm not capable of feeling the happiness he brings me all of the time due to my stupid brain cooties. He is the reason for my existance, though. He's not particularly romantic so I wasn't expecting today to be any different than any other day. After all, I got what I wanted as an anniversary gift already. (It's on its way; Walmart.com says it should be here by the end of next week. [squee!]) And I bought The Monkey his MP3 player last week as his gift. I wasn't expecting anything else. We never do anything particularly special for one another on our anniversary. We usually resign to a nice, usually sushi, dinner out and a good happy anniversary romp later. :P But this year he surprised me. (Which was nice being it's our fifth and all.) He came home for lunch and said he was working until six even though Banana gave him a choice of working an hour overtime or going home early. I was okay with it because we didn't have any plans for tonight anyway. So imagine my surprise when he walks in the door at just after 6:00 with yellow roses, chocolate, and a card in tow. [melt] He said he got me yellow roses because yellow is my favorite color. He didn't think I needed red because, well, I already knows he loves me. :P The card, though... the card was the BEST.
Just an FYI, The Monkey has a fantastic sense of humor. It's one of the biggest things that made me fall for him. Every time he picked me up for work or after work or came over to see me he had a new joke to tell me. And he makes me laugh more often than anyone in my life ever has. So it came as no surprise that the card was funny. But my GAWD it wasn't just funny it was funny with meaning.
I nearly fell out laughing! :P
He was supposed to be off tomorrow but they gave him the option of getting Saturday off instead and he took it, of course. So instead of doing something tomorrow we're planning on having our dinner on Saturday followed by going to see Fast & Furious at the theater. Hoorah!
It really and truly is not my fault that The Monkey and I got hitched on tax day. It just so happens that we officially started dating on April 14th and I wanted to get married a year to the day that we'd started dating. But when I called to schedule our "ceremony" I was told that the judge wouldn't be in that day. So they scheduled me for the 15th. And now we have two anniversaries the more "recognized" of which happens to fall on tax day. [eyeroll]
But oh well.
My Monkey is good to me. He makes me happy even if I'm not capable of feeling the happiness he brings me all of the time due to my stupid brain cooties. He is the reason for my existance, though. He's not particularly romantic so I wasn't expecting today to be any different than any other day. After all, I got what I wanted as an anniversary gift already. (It's on its way; Walmart.com says it should be here by the end of next week. [squee!]) And I bought The Monkey his MP3 player last week as his gift. I wasn't expecting anything else. We never do anything particularly special for one another on our anniversary. We usually resign to a nice, usually sushi, dinner out and a good happy anniversary romp later. :P But this year he surprised me. (Which was nice being it's our fifth and all.) He came home for lunch and said he was working until six even though Banana gave him a choice of working an hour overtime or going home early. I was okay with it because we didn't have any plans for tonight anyway. So imagine my surprise when he walks in the door at just after 6:00 with yellow roses, chocolate, and a card in tow. [melt] He said he got me yellow roses because yellow is my favorite color. He didn't think I needed red because, well, I already knows he loves me. :P The card, though... the card was the BEST.
Just an FYI, The Monkey has a fantastic sense of humor. It's one of the biggest things that made me fall for him. Every time he picked me up for work or after work or came over to see me he had a new joke to tell me. And he makes me laugh more often than anyone in my life ever has. So it came as no surprise that the card was funny. But my GAWD it wasn't just funny it was funny with meaning.
Front:
To my wife on our anniversary...
You're my lover...
my pal...
my therapist...
my coach...
my teacher...
my playmate...
Inside:
...and my very best friend.
And I'm madly in love with each and every one of you!
Happy Anniversary!
I nearly fell out laughing! :P
He was supposed to be off tomorrow but they gave him the option of getting Saturday off instead and he took it, of course. So instead of doing something tomorrow we're planning on having our dinner on Saturday followed by going to see Fast & Furious at the theater. Hoorah!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
finally! a NEW horsey!
Provided everything checks out with the medication assistance program through SCAMH I will be off the Lithium and on to Lamictal. FINALLY. Now to wish/hope/pray that I don't get The Rash with the Lamictal and that it will actually help curb my mood swings without making my personality completely flat. Plus, Lamictal has been dubbed "weight neutral" so hopefully weight loss will start coming a little easier when I stop the Lithium. Hopefully.
Mostly I'm just thrilled to be trying something new and different. Because with new and different comes the hope that this med cocktail might actually work and keep my mood swings at bay.
We shall see.
Mostly I'm just thrilled to be trying something new and different. Because with new and different comes the hope that this med cocktail might actually work and keep my mood swings at bay.
We shall see.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
10 is a nice even number anyhow
So after "invading" my sister's space (read: living in her actual house) for the past 10 days, we (my sister, Tony, and I) buckled down this afternoon and got the garage all put back together. There's something to be said about a bit of real spring cleaning. The garage isn't lit particularly well so it was a bit of a shock to see just how many cobwebs we'd grown in the past [almost] year. Yikes! Thankfully, we purchased R2D2's look-alike in shop-vac form when it flooded and we were able to use it to suck up all the big bits of ceiling panel and all the cobwebs and various other yuk that has escaped out attention due to the profuse lack of light. (The garage has two windows but Tony and I keep them curtained most of the time. The extra lighting came from opening one of the two garage doors, which were caulked tightly shut, to allow the standing water a means of escape.)
It took us about four hours to get everything finished. Our sofa is particularly heavy because it is a double reclining sofa and I managed to pull something while helping my sister move the damn thing. Now my lower back KILLS. I'll be a Flexeril poppin' fool for the next few days, I'm sure.
At any rate it was completely worth it. We are now comfortable, once again, comfortable in our own personal space. Tony won't have to sleep on an air mattress anymore and I can go back to sleeping on my couch. :P Also I am back on my computer and my TV. And the cats are no longer able to bully my sister's dog. Plus it's nice to have reorganized everything and vacuumed every square inch of this small living space. Oh! Plus! I put up all the new ceiling panels that we bought a month ago so no more gaping holes in the drop ceiling. Hooray!
So now I'm going to go stretch out my aching lower back, pop a muscle relaxer, and munch on a bit of my Crème Brûlée chocolate bar and hopefully pass out rather quickly from sheer exhaustion.
More later this week on therapy and meds and other things pertaining to my mental health. And also our weekend excursion to the movie theater with my niece and nephew and my niece's friend to see Monsters vs. Aliens in 3D.
It took us about four hours to get everything finished. Our sofa is particularly heavy because it is a double reclining sofa and I managed to pull something while helping my sister move the damn thing. Now my lower back KILLS. I'll be a Flexeril poppin' fool for the next few days, I'm sure.
At any rate it was completely worth it. We are now comfortable, once again, comfortable in our own personal space. Tony won't have to sleep on an air mattress anymore and I can go back to sleeping on my couch. :P Also I am back on my computer and my TV. And the cats are no longer able to bully my sister's dog. Plus it's nice to have reorganized everything and vacuumed every square inch of this small living space. Oh! Plus! I put up all the new ceiling panels that we bought a month ago so no more gaping holes in the drop ceiling. Hooray!
So now I'm going to go stretch out my aching lower back, pop a muscle relaxer, and munch on a bit of my Crème Brûlée chocolate bar and hopefully pass out rather quickly from sheer exhaustion.
More later this week on therapy and meds and other things pertaining to my mental health. And also our weekend excursion to the movie theater with my niece and nephew and my niece's friend to see Monsters vs. Aliens in 3D.
Monday, April 6, 2009
who. are. you?
but I think I must have been changed several times since then...
All the raw, semi-foreign feelings of a fresh depressive cycle. I never really know how to act. I'm staring off into space a lot. I can't articulate what I want to say. Do I even want to say it? And yet...
I'm maintaining this outward appearance of being functional. Smiling at appropriate intervals. Talking. Laughing. Eating. Acting human despite feeling very much inhuman. Alien. Foreign. Strange.
Internally I am screaming. Writhing in agonizing emotional turmoil.
More and more often I think about - dream about - an out. Someway, somehow... just try to be different. If I could only have a fresh start; a mulligan; a do-over. CTRL-Z.
Who am I? What am I??
WHY can't I answer these questions rationally?
I am Alice and I am falling down the rabbit hole once again.
All the raw, semi-foreign feelings of a fresh depressive cycle. I never really know how to act. I'm staring off into space a lot. I can't articulate what I want to say. Do I even want to say it? And yet...
I'm maintaining this outward appearance of being functional. Smiling at appropriate intervals. Talking. Laughing. Eating. Acting human despite feeling very much inhuman. Alien. Foreign. Strange.
Internally I am screaming. Writhing in agonizing emotional turmoil.
More and more often I think about - dream about - an out. Someway, somehow... just try to be different. If I could only have a fresh start; a mulligan; a do-over. CTRL-Z.
Who am I? What am I??
WHY can't I answer these questions rationally?
I am Alice and I am falling down the rabbit hole once again.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
bored by the chore (what's the use anymore?)
Empty.
There is nothing left inside of me.
No hope. No determination. No resolve.
Nothing, nothing, nothing...
Nothing on the inside of me for the outside of me to bring back to life.
Empty.
I've done all I can do,
It's just not enough.
(Never enough.)
There is nothing left inside of me.
No hope. No determination. No resolve.
Nothing, nothing, nothing...
Nothing on the inside of me for the outside of me to bring back to life.
Empty.
I've done all I can do,
It's just not enough.
(Never enough.)
Friday, April 3, 2009
my BFF is amazing
In 2001, while in the throes of untreated mental illness, a friend guided me to a website called Kip's Garage that she was a member of. It was a site specifically created for teens and young adults that suffered from mental illness. This website served as a safe haven. A place we could all go and not feel alienated because we weren't the societal norm; a place we could go and commiserate with others like us; a place for advice, comfort, caring. I think any teen with mental illness will tell you that's really all they want. It's all we ever wanted.
I was barely a member of this website when I ran into a girl that, for some reason or another, liked to keep the same hours as me despite being nine hours behind time-wise. She lived in California, I lived in southeastern Germany.
Really, we couldn't possibly be more different. Our tastes in music, food, clothing, hobbies... the list is endless... are complete polar opposites. The only thing that we knew for sure was that we made awesome friends. We shared some commonalities that we helped one another through. In October of 2001 during our usual daily AIM chat session she invited me to fly out to California for Thanksgiving. Hesitant to fly across the globe to not only meet someone I'd never met but to stay with her for two weeks, I looked for reasons why I couldn't (shouldn't?) go. I came up empty handed. I had the vacation time. I had the money. I was single and all my bills were probably paid. (Probably.) So I priced airline tickets. When they turned out to be dirt-stinkin-cheap, I bought them and told her that I'd be arriving on November 17th, I'd be arriving at SFO and that I would be there to pester her for two whole weeks.
Best. Vacation. EVER.
She showed me every inch of Sacramento and every inch of San Francisco that time allowed. We spent hours in her mom's car zooming up and down I5 singing bad girl rock music at the tops of our lungs. The world was ours and that was the way it was supposed to be. Except I had to go back home [to Germany] and get back to reality. A part of me wishes that I'd just stayed; wonders how different my life would be if I'd never gotten on that return flight "home".
Unfortunately our lives don't "cross paths" much these days. I haven't seen her since her visit in June of 2005. I'm trying to gather resources to make a trip out to San Diego to see her this summer. Hoping that it will come to pass.
But I digress. The title of this post is "My BFF is Amazing" because, well, she really is. She moved to San Diego six months ago and immediately through her mind, heart, and soul into the fight against Prop 8 in California. She's led countless [peaceful] protests since then. I can Google her name and she comes up in the news. Amazing. I always knew that she was meant to change the world. That she was meant for something more, something bigger than a life of domesticus and book keeping. And she is doing her part to make big changes in this world of ours.
And I just think she's great. A fan-fucking-tastic person that I just can't imagine my life without.
I was barely a member of this website when I ran into a girl that, for some reason or another, liked to keep the same hours as me despite being nine hours behind time-wise. She lived in California, I lived in southeastern Germany.
Really, we couldn't possibly be more different. Our tastes in music, food, clothing, hobbies... the list is endless... are complete polar opposites. The only thing that we knew for sure was that we made awesome friends. We shared some commonalities that we helped one another through. In October of 2001 during our usual daily AIM chat session she invited me to fly out to California for Thanksgiving. Hesitant to fly across the globe to not only meet someone I'd never met but to stay with her for two weeks, I looked for reasons why I couldn't (shouldn't?) go. I came up empty handed. I had the vacation time. I had the money. I was single and all my bills were probably paid. (Probably.) So I priced airline tickets. When they turned out to be dirt-stinkin-cheap, I bought them and told her that I'd be arriving on November 17th, I'd be arriving at SFO and that I would be there to pester her for two whole weeks.
Best. Vacation. EVER.
She showed me every inch of Sacramento and every inch of San Francisco that time allowed. We spent hours in her mom's car zooming up and down I5 singing bad girl rock music at the tops of our lungs. The world was ours and that was the way it was supposed to be. Except I had to go back home [to Germany] and get back to reality. A part of me wishes that I'd just stayed; wonders how different my life would be if I'd never gotten on that return flight "home".
Unfortunately our lives don't "cross paths" much these days. I haven't seen her since her visit in June of 2005. I'm trying to gather resources to make a trip out to San Diego to see her this summer. Hoping that it will come to pass.
But I digress. The title of this post is "My BFF is Amazing" because, well, she really is. She moved to San Diego six months ago and immediately through her mind, heart, and soul into the fight against Prop 8 in California. She's led countless [peaceful] protests since then. I can Google her name and she comes up in the news. Amazing. I always knew that she was meant to change the world. That she was meant for something more, something bigger than a life of domesticus and book keeping. And she is doing her part to make big changes in this world of ours.
And I just think she's great. A fan-fucking-tastic person that I just can't imagine my life without.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
no, really.
I want a bottle of wine. Or a six pack of something strong. Just not sure where I could/would/should go to drink it.
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