the suckiest suckaversary of them all

This day, last year, I left work early to see the doctor. See, I had a bad feeling all along; I knew it was too good to be true. I was willing to forgo the %$150 ER copay just to know. I had to know.

And my gut was right. My hCG had dropped and the joy of being pregnant was ending in a crash and burn sort of way. Nothing has been the same since.

Here it is, one year later, and I still find myself crying over the loss. I'm sure this is normal so why do I feel so damn flawed?

so long pit of despair

I'm slowly but surely finding my way out of this deep, dark pit of despair. I'm clawing my way out of this hole and can actually see light at the end of the tunnel.

Let's see how long this lasts.

@#!%^&

I just can't seem to shake this feeling of just wanting to lay down and die.

This is not healthy.

life sucks

And I'm completely out of Ambien.

Tomorrow is my fourth anniversary. Which is now "overshadowed" by the anniversary of my miscarriage 10 days later. I hate this. I hate being back on Lithium. I want to try again. But I can't and we won't and it's over. I wish I could erase it all from my memory and not want a baby anymore.

I really wish I had some Ambien.

curse the restless

I am out of Ambien. It was a 30 day prescription that I had filled barely 10 days ago. Ouch. Reality sucks.

I'm coming down off months of being on an SSRI (Prozac, then Zoloft). Let me tell you what SSRI withdrawl syndrome is like. Dizziness, nausea, foggy-headedness - all plentiful. Sweating - check. Miserable - check. I'm sure I should've titrated downwards but my pdoc felt otherwise. Prozac has a really long half life so he figured I'd be fine. No can do. I get these waves of disorientation every fifteen minutes or so. Thankfully the nausea has been bearable.

I think the Lithium is starting to kick in. I'm not really 100% sure. I'm not as depressed as I was a week ago, that's for sure. I've actually put eye makeup on two days running. *gasp!* So maybe things are looking up. I'm also pretty sure I ovulated this cycle which means AF should show her face in about a week. I am probably going to lose it when she does because I should've been starting my IUI cycle. [sigh]

Well, I guess I'm going to go sit by a fan and try to cool off. I'm sweating perfusely and basically miserable. But I'm making brownies and brownies are good.

Sanity vs. TTC

After 5 years of this bullshit I don't even really know 100% for sure that I want kids anymore. If it was meant to be, surely it would've happened by now. Ugh. I hate this indifference.

My biggest issue right now is my mental health/instability. I'm going crazy on a daily basis. I'm headed to my pdoc in about 15 minutes where we'll probably decide to put me back on Lithium because I need some sort of mood stabilization and I need it now. Lithium is completely contraindicated in pregnancy so the question remains... sanity or TTC?

I think I'm going with sanity for now. Like I said, I can't even say for sure that I want a baby/kids anymore. The big problem here is that Tony does know 100% for sure that he wants kids.

I'm afraid my marriage is falling apart and it's all because my body doesn't work the way it's supposed to. I don't know what I'll do if I lose the love of my life because I'm infertile and/or crazy.

Life sucks, understand?

home too soon

I couldn't handle being in the hospital so I signed myself out against everyones' better judgment. I'm still sickly depressed. I don't want to go back to work which is completely idiotic. I know I have to work. We can't survive on Tony's salary alone. I'm looking for a new job but I don't know how that's going to pan out. Not to mention that I need insurance so being without a job is not really an option. But I'm so unhappy that I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do with myself.

I promised my husband that I wouldn't hurt myself and I have to keep that promise. It's the hardest promise I've ever had to keep.

Going away for a while.

Just need some time to get the shit sorted in my head