it's happening again

After a couple of months of being very stable on meds it seems that they've pooped out on me. At least my anti-depressants have. :( I'm severely depressed. I spent the first three hours of my work day running to and from the bathroom so I could bawl my eyes out. My makeup looks horrid because of it. It's a good thing it's allergy season or someone might've suspected that something was up. My excuse for having teary, red eyes has been "allergies" all day long.

No one at work has any clue that I have a mental illness. Most of the time I'm good at hiding it. When I'm depressed (like I am now) I do have a tendency to miss work, though. I'm surprised I haven't been fired yet, especially after last week's fiasco.

This depression started right after surgery. I decided to call in on Monday because I was still hurting pretty bad and bleeding very heavily. Tuesday I woke up queasy and literally couldn't sit up long enough to put my makeup on. So I called in again. What should've been one extra day off turned into an entire week. :'( My boss was ticked and who could blame him? The reason I missed Wednesday and Thursday was because I blacked out about five or six times in that time period. Thursday I hit my head on the bathtub and now I have a bruise on my forehead. Lovely. I called in Friday because the doctor gave me orders to check into the hospital on Thursday. I didn't go. Everything has been such a trainwreck since my surgery and I don't know why.

Wednesday night I broke down in front of my Monkey after taking a handful of Xanaflex. I cried and cried and explained to him (or I tried, anyway) that while I was severely depressed and even suicidal, I didn't want to die. I know that doesn't make sense but it's how I feel. I want to live. I have plenty to live for! But the living part is just so damned hard when I'm this depressed. We even discussed putting me in a hospital for a while. I'm sure that would go over great at work. Sheah.

I don't understand my brain chemistry. It's so screwed up that I can't even be on TWO anti-depressants and still not get depressed. Lame, lame, lame!

So it's off to therapy I go tomorrow to discuss this depression crap. I'm sure she's going to look at me like I'm crazy (hahaha... no pun intended) when I tell her that I don't have a sound reason for being depressed. I'm worried about being hospitalized again. It's nearly to that point. I don't want to be hospitalized. Been there, done that. Twice. I'm scared either way. If I stay this depressed (or it gets worse) there's a chance that I may decide to take more than just a handful of Xanaflex. It wouldn't be my first OD. I'm a terrible hyper-medicator but I've only seriously OD'd twice in my life. Once on Restoril (a benzo like Xanax). Once on Ultram (pain killer). It takes a lot of pills to kill yourself, fortunately, and I never took quite enough. Just enough to probably fuck up my liver for a while and to make me seriously ill. (Well, with the Restoril I only slept for three or four days.)

I'm trying to talk this out... rationalize it all in my head. I'm trying to keep people that I love and that love me informed of my mood so they know what to watch for. I'm trying not to give in to my urges to self destruct but it's not an easy task. And it's a tough decision to go inpatient. I have work and school and a husband and it's not as easy as it was at @21 to get sent to a hospital for a week or so. There are more serious consequences now. (But what about the consequences of being suicidal?)

I really just don't know what to do.

post-lap update

So my surgery went well. The doctor found Stage II endo, though. :( I'm pretty bummed about having yet another stumbling block in our way. I mean, WTF? PCOS and IR isn't enough? Not ovulating isn't enough? Whatever. I'm so sick of TTC. Too bad I'm not ready to give up yet. [sigh]

Of course in light of my new diagnoses, two of my friends popped up pregnant. One I'm thrilled for because she's 37 and has severe endo herself. So it's a miracle that she came up pregnant so quickly. Of course this just makes me wonder that much more why we aren't parents yet. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not cut out for mommyhood. Maybe I'm too selfish or too sickly or too mentally ill.

For the past two days I've been passing out at random. Yesterday I hit my head on the bathtub. Good times, good times. So now I'm on house arrest. Can't drive, can't do much more than lay around. I've turned into a Nickelodeon addicted recluse. I gained weight from doing nothing all day. Figures. Plus I ate loads of comfort foods. Gaah!

My post-op appointment is Thursday. Thank GOD I have the day OFF. I don't think I could've handled a full week back after being out for 9 days.

be kind, rewind

Let's recap. In the past five years I have been through seemingly endless treatments. I've done rounds upon rounds of Clomid - no success. Then I started treatments with an RE of my very own (Dr. Honea) and was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and insulin resistance - something I knew I had long before I was officially diagnosed. Then I had my first of three HSGs at which time I was diagnosed with a blocked tube. Then I had a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy to remove polyps that were blocking said tube. Everything looked fine elsewhere. Two months later I experienced the most heartbreaking event of my life - the miscarriage of a baby I just knew I was meant to have. A year later we hadn't had any further success despite using stronger and more effective fertility drugs (injectables). Then I had my first of two SIS procedures, the second of which revealed the regrowth of the polyps I'd had removed just a short year ago. A week ago I had my annual physical at which time it came to light that I have hypothyroidism. Now I'm on Synthroid and Glucophage on top of my meds for bipolar disorder. Yesterday I had my second laparoscopy/hysteroscopy during which polyps were removed and a D&C was performed. My tubes are both open, which is a small victory, but they discovered Stage II endometriosis - another diagnosis to add to my ever growing list of diagnoses.

Five years. Five long years and I have nothing to show for it except a long, long list of diagnoses and procedures that I now have under my belt. And a gaping hole in my heart that my little Buttefly was supposed to fill.

I'm tired but I'm not ready to give up. I'm in pain but I have to remember it's going to be worth it. Someday.

I'm not sure how long it's going to be before we can start trying again. Probably at least one cycle. So that blows our chances for a 2008 baby. But I'm happy with the increased chances of a 2009 baby.

Post-op appointment is on the 27th. Hopefully we'll know more about our chances then.

another day in paradise

I decided to ask for tomorrow off and my boss was nice enough to give it to me. This is great! Not only does it mean a four day weekend but it also means I'll have time to finish my homework, straighten up the house, pack for Birmingham, and leave for Birmingham at a reasonable hour (RE: around 2:00). I can't believe my surgery is finally the day after tomorrow. I'm still excited but also starting to get a little nervous. I hope they are able to fix everything that needs fixing. I'm sure it'll be okay.

In another two weeks I have a hair appointment scheduled! It has been a year since I had my hair cut and colored (professionally). I'm trying to find decent hairstyles but I'll probably wind up just looking through books when I get to the salon. I know I want my hair shorter because it's constantly falling out and short hair is far less annoying than long hair. Plus, the summer is coming and I don't want to wear ponytails every day that it gets too hot to have hair on my neck and shoulders. Plus, I think I look better with shorter hair. I'm really looking forward to it!

I really have nothing meaningful to say. I wish I did. :-/

another diagnosis

This morning my RE called and told me that my TSH is elevated. They are starting me on Synthroid immediately. It wasn't terribly bad, just slightly above normal (somewhere just over 3.0), but they treat anyone 3.0 and above so lucky me.

This is not a bad diagnosis, in fact, I'm pleased. Lately my weight loss efforts have been thwarted on every turn. In the past, I could diet (cut calories) and lose weight fairly easily. Granted it was never much weight (10 lbs or so) but it came off rather easily when I put my mind to it. So recently I started walking and cutting back on my calories and I maybe lost three or four pounds. The thought "muscle weighs more than fat" came to mind but my clothes weren't fitting any differently, either. It's nice to know that my thyroid could be the culprit. I guess we'll see. I start Synthroid today and am hoping that I see results rather quickly.

In other news... only three days left until surgery! Hoorah!

have you noticed?

I haven't had a single mood swing in about a month. An entire month gone by without a swing feels more like an eternity - that's how bad the swings normally are. It has been spectacular feeling level headed, coming to work every day, feeling like life is actually worth living. It's a great feeling not wondering how many muscle relaxers it might take to kill you. A truly wonderful feeling!

Of course, most of this can be attributed to my medication cocktail. Abilify, Topamax, and Wellbutrin are my good, close friends now. I'd no sooner part with them than part with one of my limbs. Seriously, the cocktail is working that well. It's great to feel like myself again! I've even been able to mostly control my spending habits. [gasp!] That's the most difficult thing to control - on meds or otherwise. I have very poor impulse control but lately I've been able to say no to myself. These are all great things! I can't wait to talk to my therapist. And my pdoc. How happy it must make a doctor to finally find the right combination of medications to stabilize a patient. Anyway, enough rambling about that.

In other news, I have been exercising for two weeks running! Okay, okay, so I didn't exercise last week while I was sick. Sue me. But I exercised this week and before I was sick last week. Go me! I've lost five pounds so far - only 15 to go by surgery day! I'm ready to get this weight off. I can already feel a difference in my "well being" since I started walking. I am very proud of myself for finally getting off my fat, lazy ass! I just hope the pounds start coming off so I stay motivated. I get disheartened when the scale doesn't move. :-/ I've also cut back significantly on what I've been eating. I had a small bowl of oatmeal for breakfast (the high protein, high fiber, no sugar kind) and I started taking Glucomannan as well. Right now I'm having my morning cup of coffee with a little bit of Marshmallow Mocha creamer added to it but not as much as I usually put in it. Just enough to take the bite out of the coffee. For lunch I'm going to go to the grocery store and pick up a Lean Cuisine. I'm not sure what to do about supper. I'll probably skip it and have something small since my Monkey has to work late tonight.

Speaking of The Monkey, he was recently promoted to Manager of his store. This would be exciting except he really didn't want the job. It only pays $0.50 more than what he was getting paid but now he's salaried which means MORE hours but no overtime. Fuckers. He does get bigger bonuses (5% of profit as opposed to 2.5%) and cell phone reimbursement, though. So those little things should help us out a little. I just hate that he's working more hours at a job he can't stand. His brother is looking out for him and hopefully will have him a job in the next couple of months pulling CAT5 cable! Monkey's excited about that. It will be a little bit of a pay cut but Monkey gets a company vehicle (yay!) and, more importantly, HEALTH INSURANCE. Monkey's been uninsured since he started working for TitleMax. Not good but we can't afford to add him to my plan. :-/

So things are things. I wish time would hurry up and pass between now and March 14th! I'm so ready to get my surgery over with. Not to mention I'm ready to see my bestest friend of all my friends!! 31 days left to go. [sigh]

Wait, is this 2007 or 2008?

So yesterday's SHG showed that I do indeed have polyps again. And possibly some small fibroids. The answer? Of course! Surgery. AGAIN.

This is starting to be about as good as 2007 started. Meh.

The good news is I'm treatable. AND my BFF is coming to visit for the procedure. Yay!! She's flying all the way from California just for me. :)