out of sorts

Ever since we got home from Pennsylvania I've felt off. The kind of depressed that doesn't have me hiding under my covers and/or crying uncontrollably but kind of going through the motions of what every day life entails. Oh, and I've been spending too much money; perhaps as an attempt to console myself.

It's really strange. The Lamictal has been really phenomenal. I've been pretty functional for months now. I get out of bed and I get a shower and I do my makeup. I run errands that need running. I do chores that need doing.

But ever since our trip, things have just kind of went to hell. I don't really see the point in doing anything so I sit around and do nothing.

It certainly didn't help matters when I sat around all weekend waiting for AF to show. I took my last active pill on Friday. On Monday, I started spotting. No big deal. By Monday night it was a full on period, but nothing too horrific. Thank the heavens for birth control. But then on Tuesday, all hell broke loose. I cannot adequately describe the pain I have been in since Tuesday morning. It started off pretty mild; a little worse-than-normal cramping. But by Tuesday night I was in agony. It felt like something needed to come OUT. The Monkey kept throwing me worried looks and asking if I needed to go to the ER. But our ER doctors here are so incompetent that I refused. I took a Motrin and a Lortab and after another hour of excruciating pain things seemed to die down. I was able to sleep for a couple of hours before needing another Lortab.

The pain woke me up early on Wednesday morning. I sat on the toilet clutching my stomach completely unsure of what to do. My sister took one look and me and said point blank that I was acting like I was in labor. She was afraid that I'd gotten pregnant somehow and was miscarrying. I knew it wasn't possible. Still, the pain was so intense that I had her drag me to the ER crying and trembling.

We spent the entire day there. They gave me several doses of Dilaudid which really didn't do much of anything for the pain. (It wasn't a constant pain, see. It was coming in "waves" which made my sister more concerned that it was like mock labor pains...hmm.) They did an ultrasound and I saw lots of "gunk" on the screen. I was sure that I was seeing clots and that my uterus was contracting trying desperately to pass the tissue. At one point, while in the shower, in a desperate moment of my own, I felt my cervix and found that I could easily fit my fingertip into my cervix. Which I have never been able to do. Ever. The ER doc sent me home with scrips for antibiotics since my white count was up. I'm going to see my RE on Monday for bloodwork and ultrasound. The ER gave me paperword about PID and now I'm terrified that I may have it. Though I don't see how.

Most likely this is the result of polyp regrowth. Possibly endo as well. I guess we'll see on Monday. I will be happy to start my new pack of birth control tomorrow, that is for sure.

Now I must lie down because Lortab makes me feel ill. But it's either be almost completely immobile and pain free or completely immobile and writhing in agony. :-/

post-lap update

So my surgery went well. The doctor found Stage II endo, though. :( I'm pretty bummed about having yet another stumbling block in our way. I mean, WTF? PCOS and IR isn't enough? Not ovulating isn't enough? Whatever. I'm so sick of TTC. Too bad I'm not ready to give up yet. [sigh]

Of course in light of my new diagnoses, two of my friends popped up pregnant. One I'm thrilled for because she's 37 and has severe endo herself. So it's a miracle that she came up pregnant so quickly. Of course this just makes me wonder that much more why we aren't parents yet. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not cut out for mommyhood. Maybe I'm too selfish or too sickly or too mentally ill.

For the past two days I've been passing out at random. Yesterday I hit my head on the bathtub. Good times, good times. So now I'm on house arrest. Can't drive, can't do much more than lay around. I've turned into a Nickelodeon addicted recluse. I gained weight from doing nothing all day. Figures. Plus I ate loads of comfort foods. Gaah!

My post-op appointment is Thursday. Thank GOD I have the day OFF. I don't think I could've handled a full week back after being out for 9 days.

be kind, rewind

Let's recap. In the past five years I have been through seemingly endless treatments. I've done rounds upon rounds of Clomid - no success. Then I started treatments with an RE of my very own (Dr. Honea) and was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and insulin resistance - something I knew I had long before I was officially diagnosed. Then I had my first of three HSGs at which time I was diagnosed with a blocked tube. Then I had a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy to remove polyps that were blocking said tube. Everything looked fine elsewhere. Two months later I experienced the most heartbreaking event of my life - the miscarriage of a baby I just knew I was meant to have. A year later we hadn't had any further success despite using stronger and more effective fertility drugs (injectables). Then I had my first of two SIS procedures, the second of which revealed the regrowth of the polyps I'd had removed just a short year ago. A week ago I had my annual physical at which time it came to light that I have hypothyroidism. Now I'm on Synthroid and Glucophage on top of my meds for bipolar disorder. Yesterday I had my second laparoscopy/hysteroscopy during which polyps were removed and a D&C was performed. My tubes are both open, which is a small victory, but they discovered Stage II endometriosis - another diagnosis to add to my ever growing list of diagnoses.

Five years. Five long years and I have nothing to show for it except a long, long list of diagnoses and procedures that I now have under my belt. And a gaping hole in my heart that my little Buttefly was supposed to fill.

I'm tired but I'm not ready to give up. I'm in pain but I have to remember it's going to be worth it. Someday.

I'm not sure how long it's going to be before we can start trying again. Probably at least one cycle. So that blows our chances for a 2008 baby. But I'm happy with the increased chances of a 2009 baby.

Post-op appointment is on the 27th. Hopefully we'll know more about our chances then.