the miracle of twin birth

The end of my pregnancy had really begun to take its toll. I was physically spent and emotionally just exhausted. (Being off my meds really sucked.) So when I went to my (unbeknownst to me) last OB appointment at 37w6d and the OB decided to strip my membranes I was really, really hopeful that things would move quickly.

I was sorely disappointed.

Friday went by without any real changes. I was a teensy bit crampy and had some contractions but they fizzled out rather quickly. I tried to seduce The Monkey (who was totally on board) but my body just wasn't having it. And my brain really wasn't in the mood, either. It takes brain power to get turned on and all I could think was whether or not the sex would help get things moving. Meh.

Saturday came and again, a whole lotta nuttin'. I got on the elliptical. I cleaned. I did laundry. Not so much as a strong Braxton Hicks. It was like my body was mocking me. Every time I went to the bathroom (which at 38 weeks with twins is a LOT) I would wipe and pray for bloody show. I find this incredibly ironic. My OB told me very pointedly after the membrane sweep that I "would have some spotting" especially since my normal cervix checks had caused spotting for about a day each time. But every bathroom trip proved fruitless. Not so much as a tan tint to my TP.

By Saturday night I knew that my "window of opportunity" was closing. (Most labors begin within 48 hours of a sweep if they're going to begin.) By 8:00 PM I was sulking around thinking how I might actually make it to my OB appointment on Tuesday. I was beginning to feel like my body was mocking me relentlessly. First I couldn't get pregnant. Now, even measuring almost 52 weeks, my body didn't want to get a move on to get unpregnant. Around 11:00 The Monkey and I went to bed. I asked him for sex as badly as I did not really care to try but wound up falling asleep before either of us could initiate things. I think The Monkey was probably very relieved. (First all the pressure to "get the job done" to get pregnant... now I was asking him to "get the job done" to put me into labor. Hah!)

At 1:00 AM on Sunday July 3rd I jolted awake to a distinct pain in my abdomen. It definitely wasn't a Braxton. Or it didn't feel like a Braxton. But one tummy twinge doesn't mean jack in the world of labor and deliver so I rolled over and went back to sleep. An undetermined amount of time later and another one of those pains woke me up. Hmm... I grabbed my Droid off the headboard and opened my contraction timer app (there's an app for everything) and pushed start. About a minute later I pushed 'stop' and then dozed back off. Eleven minutes and 24 seconds later, another pain. One minute and twelve seconds and it subsided. This went on for about an hour. I decided to get out of bed and walk around. If I was in early labor I certainly didn't want to discourage things!

I hopped on the elliptical for a few minutes. I couldn't manage much, though. In between the pains I had a heavy feeling in my bladder that made it impossible to NOT try to pee every few minutes.

After about a half hour of roaming around the house I felt nothing had changed. Disappointed, I crawled back into the bed with The Monkey and tried to go back to sleep. As if in response my body started sending the pains a bit quicker and a bit stronger. Hmm..... I poked The Monkey and told him I was contracting. Mmm hmm... was all he managed through his CPAP. Obviously we've been there done that and The Monkey wasn't convinced. (Then again, neither was I.) I took my Droid into the bathroom and got into a hot shower. Not only did the contractions not subside, they got more intense and closer together. At 3:00 AM they were 5 - 6 minutes apart, better than a minute long, and it was clearly time to head to the hospital (especially since it's an hour away).

The drive was uneventful. I had fairly steady contractions -- some a lot more painful than others. I kept worrying that by the time we arrived at the emergency room things would have fizzled and I would wind up looking like a complete fool. (My hope was that even if things did fizzle, they would check my cervix and that would hopefully kick start things into gear again.)

The ER was fairly dead. I sat down and began paperwork. They called L&D to come down and get me. Once upstairs the nurse began the tedious task of trying to hunt down and keep both babies on the monitor. I kept remember thinking "Please put the toco monitor on FIRST!" so I could see the contractions on the monitor. Sort of as a way to prove to myself that I wasn't crazy.

The babies were surprisingly cooperative and the nurse left for a few minutes after hooking everything up. Being strapped to those monitors is extremely uncomfortable. The belts were tight and itchy. (The edema in my lower tummy protested vehemently.) Thankfully I was, indeed, having contractions and they were, indeed, about five minutes apart. The nurse proceeded to check my cervix. It was the do or die moment. No progress would mean that I would be getting a very disappointing NST at 4:00 AM. So when the nurse said "5 - 6 cm, 80% effaced, and a bulging bag" my heart skipped a beat. She left to get paperwork started to have us admitted. She called the doc on call (not my OB but from my OB's practice and a very awesome doc) to come give his analysis. I was asked if I wanted an epidural (HELL YES, thanks!) and they played a short informational video while we waited.

Filling out paperwork during labor is fun stuff. They could've been asking me to sign away my first born and I wouldn't have known. (Thankfully spouses have to sign too. And no worries, both babies are ours to keep!) After signing a dozen things (had to sign things in pairs, y'know) they got my fingerprint and whisked us away to a L&D birthing suite. Shortly thereafter my sister and mom showed up. By then it was just after 5:00 AM. Little did I know I had a long, long road ahead of me. A long, long HUNGRY road!

Around 7:00 AM I was done with the two bags of fluids required for an epidural and the anathesiologist came in and got me set up with my epidural. It took all of five minutes (felt longer) and in no time I was feeling NO pain. Bliss. The nurse checked me again. I was at 6 cm, 80% effaced and Baby A was at -2 station. I had a nurse by my side pretty much non-stop because Baby A refused to stay on the monitor for more than a few seconds at a time. Finally the nurse got fed up and brought the doctor in to break my water so they could monitor her interally. Around 10:00 AM he came in and introduced himself. He wasn't my usual OB (from the same practice, though) but I was very comfortable with him. (I later found out that he and his wife went through several years of infertility and conceived their son through IUI as well.) I was 7 cm when they broke my water and we all expected things to progress rather quickly. The epidural made me start to itch a bit so the nurse gave me a shot of Benadryl. I dozed on and off until around noon when the nurse came back in to check me. I was a little disheartened to learn I was STILL at 7 cm. The nurse suggested a slow pitocin drip.

2:00 PM they started the pitocin. My contractions were regular but not peaking/strong enough. With only 2 cm left to go, I was totally on board with the pit. A couple hours later my contractions had only picked up slightly so they increased the dose. Another hour went by and the nurse came back for another check. I was 9 1/2 cm and fully effaced! Baby A was now at +2 station (which didn't surprise me seeing as how it felt like her head was between my thighs). They waited another half hour. I knew it would be baby time very soon and yet things still felt completely surreal. The contractions really started to pick up. Anyone who tells you an epidural makes all the pain go away is lying. I felt those later contractions (and even some of the earlier ones). I know they weren't as painful as they would have been without an epidural but I still felt them. The ones close to and during delivery hurt plenty.

At quarter til 7:00 PM the nurse came back in for my final check. Fully dilated, fully effaced -- ready for birth. Everything moved very quickly yet in slow motion. A nurse came in and prepped the warmer. Several other nurses started buzzing around me unhooking my bed and getting things ready to head to the OR. As a precaution, most twins are delivered in the OR. One of the reasons I chose an epidural was so IF I had to have an emergency section they wouldn't have to put me under general anethesia. I wanted my babies here safe and sound and I wanted to be fully alert for their arrival! A little after 7:00 off to the OR we went.

The OR was bright and a little intimidating. There were two nurses for each baby, a nurse for me, two anethesiologists, nurses to assist the doctor, the doctor himself (of course), and an intern that was kind enough to take pictures for us. The Monkey sad dutifully by my side and held my hand. After being all set up the doc said rather matter-of-factly -- let's have some babies!

I waited for the next contraction and everyone told me to push. And so I did as hard as I possibly could. But apparently I was doing something wrong. The doc looked up and said "Push like you're going to the bathroom." Oh, duh. I seem to remember my very experienced sister telling me the same thing. The next contraction came and I pushed the right way. My anesthesiologist began coaching me through pushing. The minutes felt like hours. Several pushes later I began crying and (very cliché, I know) began complaining about how I couldn't do it! The contractions hurt (the epi had been turned off). The pressure was unbearable. Another contraction came and I pushed with all my might. I felt the "ring of fire" I'd read about and the doctor and nurses said "Here she comes!" At 7:38 PM my daughter was born. It was the biggest feeling of relief when Baby A was finally out. I couldn't believe the relief! She cried immediately and I started bawling right along with her. I looked at The Monkey and he had tears streaming down his cheeks as well. I did it. WE did it. But I still had one more baby to go!

The doctor acted quickly. He (and I!) wanted to avoid a section so he grabbed a suction cup thing and grabbed Baby B before she had a chance to "swim away" so to speak. Three pushes and Baby B was out. A mere three minutes after her sister. While the girls got cleaned up and checked The Monkey and I looked at each other and smiled. We have babies! is what our eyes said. Then for the important part... names. It didn't take us long to decide on Abigail Hope and Hannah Faith.

Abigail Hope (Baby A) was born at 7:38 PM. She was 6 lbs 13 oz and 19 1/2" long. Her sister, Hannah Faith, was born at 7:41 PM. She weighed 6 lbs 14 oz and was 20" long. I was carrying around nearly 14 lbs of baby!! They were the most beautiful things I'd ever seen in my life.

The Monkey went with the girls to have all their 'newborn stuff' taken care of while I stayed in the OR to get stitched up. I wound up with a level II episiotomy.

And now for some pictures.



Waiting waiting waiting...



Proud daddy-to-be!



So happy to be in labor!!



Final belly shot. You know, I didn't realize it was quite that big!



The Monkey (right) and his brother (left).



Me with my mom and sister.



Getting ready to head to the OR. Yes I was a little frightened.



Tears of utter joy! My Baby A! My Abigail.



More happy tears! My Baby B! My Hannah.



She was very vocal. :)



Happy little family!



I hadn't eaten ALL DAY. I was starving!!



My girls. ♥



Oma and her girl. I honestly can't remember for sure but I think she has Abigail. *blush*



Aunt Mimi and Hannah



Mommy admiring beautiful Hannah.



Daddy holding Abigail.

thankful.

Oh so very thankful.

The holidays this year are different. Instead of going "Ugh, do we have to put up Christmas decorations??" I'm going "We are TOTALLY putting up decorations the day after Thanksgiving and when can we get a tree again??!" Years of wishing/hoping/longing/praying and here I am. I'm a mom. I'm a MoM, even. Which is twice as nice.

The two little critters are doing fabulously. The Monkey joked the other day how we sort of haven't earned our "twin badges" because our journey thus far (KNOCK ON WOOD) has been remarkably easy. They are just easy going babies.

We had our four month checkup on Friday and Abigail measured 26" and weighed 13 lbs 12 oz. My chunky monkey Hannah measured 25 3/4" and weighed 14 lbs 8 oz! They are growing up so fast it's unreal! They have these little discernible personalities. Abby is a screamer/drama/attention whore. Hannah is laid back/chill. They switch, of course, to keep us guessing but mostly those "roles" are consistent. They had their vaccines on Friday also. This time I didn't cry as much. :P Abby was a little more upset by the whole ordeal (see previous comment about drama queen) and had to be consoled a little longer. They ran a slight temp for a couple of days and were kind of lethargic but otherwise are doing well. Because they've been tossing and turning more we decided to transition them to their cribs. It's not that I wanted to, really, but it was ideal for all of us -- the girls included. So for the past four nights they've slept roughly 10 - 12 hours a night in their own room in their own cribs. :') My heart is torn between being thrilled and being sad that they're already that grown up.

Their clothing size varies. I have some 3 - 6 that still fits them but mostly they are in 6 monhts (Carter's), 6 - 9 months (Children's Place), and 6 - 12 months (Old Navy/Gap). Some of their 3 - 6 stuff still fits, though.

It's hard not to be grateful with a heart this full of joy and love. I'm still having some issues tweaking my meds but it's coming along. I am now on Prozac, Lamictal, Abilify, and Klonopin for mania PRN. Also taking Ambien for sleep when I can manage.

Next time I update I need to update regarding cloth diapering. If anything about parenthood agrees with me it's definitely fluff! I'm resisting my urge to try wool in fear that I'll like it too much and want to redo my entire stash. That's just NOT an option for a stash the size of mine (easily 200 diapers).

In the meantime I leave you with something I see EVERY MORNING:

Abby


Hannah

We decided...

That if we get pregnant with twins we are going to call them "The Twinkies." :P

Follie scan went fantabulous this morning. I have four measurable follies and a smaller 11mm that most likely won't catch up. Measurements were 18mm, 2 x 15mm, and 13mm. My E2 was a stellar 532! I think maybe the DIM supplement I've been taking is working quite well!

So, I took my hCG trigger tonight and we are headed to Bham tomorrow evening and staying overnight because IUI will be at 7:30 AM Saturday and The Monkey said he didn't know how "in the mood" he would be if we had to get up at 3:30 AM and drive! Can't says I blame him there! We are thinking about catching a movie tomorrow evening.

In other news I am incredibly excited about Halloween! We are having it at my sister's instead of here and her garage is perfect. The walls are dark and it kind of feels cave-like. We have big plans for decorating. The Monkey and I stopped in Spencer's this afternoon and I'll be damned if I didn't find some really AWESOME decorations that were on clearance! I paid $31 for two eerie looking mirrors with skulls holding black roses (they have a candle holder in front of the mirror). Then I found two neat looking skull things -- one is a tea light holder and the other is an LED thing. Really super cool. I am thinking we'll go back to Spencer's and check out some of the other things. I'm also (of course!) doing all of the baking and sweet snacks. We're also going to do punch and some savory snacks.

Yeah. Super excited!

Then it's going to be time to prep to make my nephews' birthday cakes by the 10th. And then Madison's birthday cake at the end of November. And my mom wants me to make a cake for her boss' birthday. Then my sister's birthday at the beginning of December.

Anyone want to volunteer to make my birthday cake?? It's my 30th after all! :P

Ok, going to bed now and hoping that I can get some rest and that tomorrow goes by quickly!

Oh, and also there was this:


We went out to eat before coming home and I was terribly tickled by our fortune's. The Monkey's is on top, mine is on the bottom. :D

...

My 15 year old nephew's 16 year old girlfriend is pregnant. And I get to drive to have my beta drawn tomorrow and find out that it's negative. (Negative pee sticks all week; this morning included.)

Why do two irresponsible teenagers get to have a baby and I can't?

Happy Birthday to My Monkey!

The Monkey is 37 today. He wanted carrot cake for his birthday (it's his favorite) and I wanted to scratch my cake decorating itch. So we compromised... I made him a "show off" cake and a carrot cake. Hehe...

I tried to incorporate something that I thought would reflect him but I couldn't think of what to do! Then I decided to do a Rubik's Cube.



My black fondant didn't turn out right so I did chocolate buttercream instead (tinted black). Also, the cube doesn't have cube dimensions (LOL!) but it is solvable (if it were, you know, real Rubik's Cube size).

more up and down time

Bloggity bloggity bloggity...

It seems since we moved in with my mom I have been more motivated to blog. I don't know if it's that I have more to say or just more time to say it. I just find that I feel like sitting down and putting my words down, I guess.

Tomorrow I have a consult for a bankruptcy with the same attorneys that are dealing with my disability case. I am sincerely hoping that they say the outlook is good. According the bit of research I've done online I can easily file Chapter 7 despite all of the new laws that Bush put into place several years ago. The Monkey and I don't even bring in half of the median income for the state of Alabama. And if Mom's mortgage doesn't get dropped low enough she is definitely going to need help keeping up with her bills. My dad's retirement really isn't very much. And her income is barely enough to cover their furniture bill (which is has to pay because she works there) and the utilities. As much as I feel like an utter failure for filing bankruptcy I honestly feel like it is the best route to go at this point. First of all, it will end all of my frivilous spending on credit. Our monthly bills will literally be cut in half, if not more. I can eliminate all of the medical bills I have floating around out there and we can set up payments on the few that The Monkey has out there so we can get those off of his credit. We're not looking at buying vehicles any time soon. Or any other major credit purchases for that matter. Our living situation is ideal. Neither The Monkey nor I mind living with my mom. She is, honestly, the ideal roommate. She doesn't eat much (gastric bypass), she cooks occasionally, she doesn't make a mess and what mess she does make is easy to pick up, she doesn't complain, she enjoys our company, and she can't wait for us to have a baby. :) My only qualm with her is that she STILL hasn't given up smoking. For those of you that pray, I ask that you pray hard that she gives it up soon. One of my biggest worries is that she will get lung cancer. My aunt passed from lung cancer in 2004 and another one of my aunts is strugggling with it now. I watched my aunt deteriorate so quickly in 2004 and I don't know if I could handle watching my mom go through that. And I really can't imagine not having her around to watch my children grow up. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. She gave up drinking and recreational drugs (marijuana) the day my dad was arrested but she is having serious problems giving up cigarettes. All the guilt trips in the world from my sister and me have ZERO effect. [sigh]

Today is going to prove to be a rather boring Wednesday. I did several loads of laundry yesterday and they all need to be folded, hung, and put away. Baskets upon baskets. After the day I spent organizing my mom's closets and drawers, I refuse to let it get out of hand. However, I woke up with a nasty sort of headache and I'm waiting for my medicine to kick in before I get started on any sort of strenuous chores. I'm also planning to tackle the kitchen floor (which is really kind of gross) since I finally got my electric sweeper vac from my sister's house along with the bathroom floors and toilets. (I did the bathtubs the other day.) Since I finally got my new litter scooper yesterday I won't mind scooping the litter boxes (all four of them) today as well. Most everything else is done. We cooked braised barbecue ribs, baked potatoes, corn on the cob, and Ceasar salad for supper last night and there are enough leftovers for this evening so I won't have to worry about cooking tonight.

Tonight I take my last active birth control pill. I don't have anymore refills but I do have a spare pack left. My plan is to go buy a new BBT this weekend (both of mine died after two years of gathering dust). I was also looking at buying some cheapie OPKs on eBay. I am going to monitor this next cycle or two off birth control and see how things pan out. I have a bottle of D-Chiro-Inositol that I didn't take and I am going to take that as well. Hopefully the 45 pounds I've lost in the past year and a half plus the eight months of birth control have done my body a little bit of good. Maybe I'll ovulate, maybe I won't. But I figure it won't hurt to see where my body is at. I'm trying not to let the burn of baby fever get to me. After all, it never happened naturally before, I shouldn't allow myself to get all hopeful that it will happen naturally now. I have looked up pricing for injectables and things. They are covered under our prescription insurance, thank the Lord, but they are not as cheap as my previous insurance. But, like I said, thank the Lord that they are covered. I know that is more than many have and I am grateful. Because $80 for a cycle's worth of Follistim is a heck of a lot better than $2,500. But paying for injectables is not my biggest worry. In two years, I had two laparoscopies to remove polyps from my uterus. The second lap found Stage II endo as well. My previous insurance had excellent coverage for outpatient surgery -- $150 copay; everything all inclusive. Our new coverage is different. Instead of a set copay, they cover a percentage. 90% if I remember right. And, again, if I remember right, my laps cost somewhere in the realm of $25k. 10% of $25,000 is $2,500. Which is a far cry from the $150 we paid before. :-/ Perhaps I'll get lucky and not need another lap. But I'm not very optimistic.

I'd better lie down now and let the Midrin work its magic so I can get started on my housework. Being a house elf isn't half bad. :) I look forward to the day when I have a baby to look after as well as a husband, Mom, five cats, and a dog. Life will be a little more complete, I think. But for now, things feel a bit more right than they did living in a garage. I am most definitely appreciative for central air conditioning. OH YES.

woe is Auntie Wissa...

It has become a traditon for the past... I don't know how many years now... for me to bake and decorate birthday cakes for pretty much everyone in the family. For the adults, it's pretty much "what flavor do you want?" But for the kids, I get specifics and I get creative. Or, I try anyway. For Madison's second birthday last year, I was adamant about making her cake into the shape of a '2'. And I did. And for an amateur, I think I did a pretty darn good job!



I've collected some Wilton cake tools to help me better my "skills" along the way. To minimize my frustrations and to amp up my pride a bit. It does boost the ego to see the kids' faces light up.

When my niece Dede saw what I did with Madison's 2nd birthday cake, she immediately began thinking about what she wanted for her 12th birthday cake in June. Which, at the time, wasn't for another seven months. It wasn't long after that she told me that she wanted a rainbow cake. My wheels have been spinning ever since.

So it burst my bubble when I found out that they are going to visit BIL's parents from the 7th through the 21st. Dede's birthday is the 19th. I know that doesn't mean I can't bake her a cake but I can't help but feel a little deflated. BIL's parents are well off with an extravagant house and the like. They'll most likely treat her to whatever gift(s) she wants. She'll probably have the 12th birthday party of a lifetime. A silly rainbow birthday cake will probably be 'whoopity doo' in comparison. Maybe I should talk to my sister about doing something the weekend beforehand. The tiny voice inside my head screams that my BIL picked these dates out of spite. I can count on one hand how many of my nieces' and nephews' birthdays I've missed collectively. And those were due to a significant geographical difference or, you know, something like this.

I know, I know. Pity party for Liss. But they are the closest things I have to children of my own. Of course I'm going to be a little greedy/possessive/selfish over them. [sigh] I guess I should go back to Kindergarten and relearn how to share.

In the meantime, I am imagining something like this. I even considered buying a star-shaped cake pan. Because stars = YAY.

adjustments

The adjustment period of moving into my mom's has been relatively easy. in fact, I don't really feel like there's been much of an adjustment at all. After the initial shock of having to move and all the change, I think maybe the fit is just right. I miss the kids but at the same time I don't miss being around 24/7. One of the luxaries of being an aunt is being able to enjoy your nieces and nephews without feeling too much like a parent. The past two years have not been like that. The Monkey and I have been more like second parents than an aunt and uncle. We shared in the responsibility of doling out discipline, helping with school work, and plenty of other parenting duties. It's not that either of us minded, but it really affected the dynamics of our relationship with the kids. I want that to change. I don't want them to look at us so much as second parents anymore. I want to be Auntie Lissa and Uncle Monkey again. And while I don't want them to lose respect for us or think that we won't discipline them if we need to, I want them to think of us more as the ones they come see when they want to be... you know, spoiled.

You'd think with my BIL having gotten his way his attitude would have changed a bit. Yeah, not a chance. This weekend we rented a U-Haul to move our stuff into a different storage unit and get the majority of our things out of Michele's. The Monkey's brother came over and helped and we knocked it out in like three hours. While we were at Michele's, The Monkey and and his brother pretty much had to tackle all the big stuff by themselves. So rather than sit out in the heat, I retreated into the house to talk to my sister and meet my nephew's new (tattooed and pierced!) GF. It was crazy hot on Saturday. Even though we got started early, it was already well into the upper 80s by the time we got to my sister's. So when I went into the house I went into the kitchen cabinet and got a cup and helped myself to some icewater from the fridge. Whoever had ice before me had put it on crushed. I don't care for crushed ice so I switched it to cubes. Still, when I pushed the lever, the fridge spewed out some crushed ice first. Some missed my cup and a few bits landed on the floor. Oops. I picked up the bigger pieces but I wasn't overly concerned about hunting down ice on the linoleum kitchen floor. I mean, really. If I'd spilled Kool-Aid or iced tea or soda or even a large amount of water I would have mopped it up diligently, but a few pieces of crushed ice? Give me a break. I went to the living room and sat down to talk to my sister and my nephew. While my sister was engaged in a conversation with Becca, my nephew's girlfriend, I hear my BIL in the other room make some off-hand remark about "damn ice on the floor" in the kitchen. Oh. My. Freaking. God. Are you serious? Like this doesn't happen a zillion times a day with the kids! Mostly I thought it was funny because I knew he was trying to get to me. But here's the thing. He can pick at me all he wants. He can try to make me grovel at his feet for "all he did for me" until the day he dies. Until he acknowledges that HE benefited from The Monkey and me living there as much as we benefited from living there I have no reason to thank him. I have given thanks where thanks is due and that is to my sister. He is not going to stop me from coming around to see her or the kids. I don't give a damn what he does. I still have a key to the house because my sister told me to keep it. I will not relinquish it until she asks me to and he will not make me feel bad about using it whenever I damn well feel like it. I have a good mind to remind him off all the hell he put her and his children through over the past two years. I can't imagine what it would have been like for them had The Monkey and I not been there. All those nights my sister sat up and cried. The nights the kids came running to the garage during their screaming fights. So, whatever. I told my sister that she and those kids are HALF MINE too and he's just going to have to get used to it. And that's that.

In spite of everything, I really like being here at my mom's. It feels so much more permanent. So much more like home. I spent all day Friday hanging and rearranging and organizing all of my mom's clothes. This may sound like an easy task but the woman has more clothes than you can imagine. Enough that she fills FOUR closets. And this is after downsizing. Um, that's not including dressers. Or other folded clothes. Like t-shirts, tank tops, sweaters, and jeans. What can I say, the woman likes her variety. Aside from the throbbing pain I had in my neck afterwards, I mostly enjoyed myself. When my mom got home from work, she literally started crying. She's so adorable. I really don't think she ever thought it would get finishd. I kept telling her it would! I try to keep myself busy because the house is so quiet and empty during the day and that gets pretty lonely. Well, it's empty except for the five cats and the dog. That's pretty exciting. Which is kind of silly because we had five cats and a dog at Michele's. But our cats were trapped inside a box. Now all of our animals are together. We have four girls and two boys. The Chihuahua, Frankie, is my little side kick. He pretty much follows me around all day long. We're working on getting him fully house trained which is a bit of a pain. Little dog, little brain and all that. Most days he does pretty well; especially when I take him out regularly. I bought him a leash and harness to take him on walks but the little spaz reacted badly to being on a leash. (He basically freaked out and cowered and refused to move.) So there goes that idea. The cats are pretty hilarious. My boy (whose official name is William but answers to Fat Cat, Fat Boy, and Little Kitty) thinks he's a pimp. He's taken to chasing all four girls around the house at random which really pisses them off. Especially my mom's two, Muffin and Cupcake. Olivia is really happy. I honestly think she was starting to get cabin fever. She was starting to act really strange at Michele's. Jasmine has taken up residence in my mom's room. Which has also pissed my mom's cats off because that was their spot. There's something really endearing about waking up at 2:30 in the morning (which I've been sadly doing quite a lot) and finding a different sleeping cat on each of the sofas.

I have three active pills left in my pack of birth control. I'm considering going out on payday to buy a new basal body thermometer and starting up charting again. I need to start my essay for the IVF sponsorship or at least start jotting down my ideas. I'm going to need to schedule bloodwork and my yearly with my RE soon. I'm pretty sure I need a new prescription for my Synthroid. And I suppose we can talk about getting back on the TTC rollercoaster. I'm looking at starting off very slow. I think I just want to chart for now. Maybe see if my cycles are even remotely regular and if I'm ovulating on my own at all. That's probably the logical first step anyhow even though this raging case of baby fever I have wants me to being doing an IUI cycle yesterday. Must focus on more important things. Must focus on The Monkey's health. Must focus on losing some more weight (198 as of today, by the way). Must do what is necessary to better our financial situation (which is looking more and more like my filing bankruptcy). But, in the meantime, it will at least be nice to get out of this incredibly long holding pattern.

So it goes, so it goes.

ch-ch-changes

One can only assume it was a matter of time before we wore out our welcome here, right? I mean we've been staying at my sister's for going on two years and that's a long time to live with someone. It's definitely more than I can expect. More than anyone can expect, I guess.

Things have been going downhill for a while. I'm not sure exactly why. My sister has always been clear that she is fine with us being here. She enjoys our company (and I think a part of her enjoys having a 'buffer' between her and her husband). But her husband feels otherwise and I guess that's fine. The whole mess started out over money. I'm a little irritated that he's taking things out on us that aren't our fault. (Like the fact that the boat he and my dad went in on together is now in default because my dad is in jail. Or that he didn't account for things coming out of his retirement like, oh say health and dental insurance. Or that he didn't listen to me when I tried to tell him how SSD really worked. And now he's getting no where even close to the income he thought he was going to be getting now that he's out of the military. So all of a sudden The Monkey and I should start paying half of the $400 electric bill? And help with other utilities? And prepare meals several times a week? And I should talk about filing bankruptcy since I clearly can barely afford to keep up with my credit card payments.) But all of this would be water under the bridge if it weren't for the conniving way he went about "asking" us to leave. Because he didn't. He picked an argument with my sister and gave her an ultimatum -- tell them to leave or I'm leaving. What kind of husband does that??

So, we've been tossing around the idea with moving in with my mom. We can't afford a place of our own until my disability kicks in and that could be several months from now still. (Have I mentioned lately how incredibly tiring this process is??) We hadn't gone forward with it because we were mostly worried about my sister's feelings. She'd already mentioned that she didn't want us to move out. And it went from that from that to this overnight.

So I guess we'll be spending the next week or two getting things organized and moved into storage. We won't need a lot of the things we have here. Our TV and dressers can go into storage as can most of our furniture. We mostly just need our clothes and essentials. There's a big part of me that's utterly relieved. No more worrying about creepy crawlies and sweating to death in the summer time. The Monkey and I can finally look at getting back on track with eating properly. My cats will finally have room to run around. Olivia has really been acting strange lately. Almost like she has cabin fever (if it's possible for an animal to get such). It's certainly going to be an interesting adjustment, though. Our three cats, my mom's two cats, and her chihuahua. Wow. We're definitely going to need a couple more litter boxes.

With this has come all sorts of new questions. My mom keeps telling me that I should stop my BCPs and we should start TTC again. (FYI - this living situation could be semi-permanent. Once my dad gets sentenced, he's likely to get prison time from anywhere from 10 - 15 years; if not longer. My mom has the room and she's not bad company or hard to get along with.) I've already told her that we are not going to be ready for that right away. (I will admit that it's totally tempting; but we're not in financial shape right now to TTC much less support a child. But it is nice knowing that maybe we can start some sort of "countdown" to trying again. Perhaps a 2011 or 2012 baby is on the horizon?)

In the meantime, I have surrendered my credit cards to The Monkey. I am going to start with my lowest balance card and start hacking away at balances the best I can. It's not going to be easy and it's definitely not going to be quick but it has to be done. With any luck we'll have a couple paid off by the end of the year and we can use our tax return to pay off one or two more.

Change. fdsjkf;sjdk

how do I know?

The truth is, I do not know. There is no way of knowing and knowing what I know now and putting it together with what happened then. And knowing how I felt and then how I forgave and then forgot and then trusted... and now look what's happened. Your trust gets dragged through the nastiest muck you can ever imagine.

All of this makes me wonder if I want to have children. Do I want to bring them into a world where these types of things can happen to them? My sister is a good parent. She is attentive and loving. But she was also trusting and, because of that, her son was hurt. And I'm still having a hard time thinking of him as a MONSTER because, deep down, I know that he's not a bad person. Not all the way through. But things will never be the same. Adn I wonder if I'll be able to protect my children adequately from these horrible psyche-destroying travesties that seem to be all too common in my family.

I cry for the person I love. The person I lost. Maybe he was never that person to begin with. I miss the perons that taught me how to drive and helped me take care of my car. I miss the person that took us, the family, out on big summer camping trips fully equipped with big tents and fire pits. And we'd spend our days swimming in Inks Lake and hiking up cactus laden trails to my favorite part of the entire lake -- Devil's Waterhole.

My therapist insists that it's okay for me to feel this week. She tells me that she can only imagine how hard this must be for me; for our family. Knowing that all of these years we essentially lived with two people. And it's hard to distinguish those two people now because the bad has overshadowed so much of the good.

I still have a lot to process. And maybe this isn't square one all over again; but it is certainly a large step backwards that I never dreamed I would be taking.

One day at a time.

another week (and another MONTH even)

Things kind of feel like they are in slow motion. Or something to that effect. It's hard to believe it's only been a week. Everything has changed; life is completely different from last week. I'm trying not to dwell on it because it makes me nauseated when I do.

My emotions are all over the place. But my mood, surprisingly enough, is mostly stable. I'm back in therapy for the umpteenth time in my life to try to sort through this new madness and truly process my past. Maybe then I'll be able to focus more on the future. I don't know.

In light of all this madness I've been considering going out to California to visit my BFF for a few weeks. But I haven't decided for sure yet. I just bought a new laptop (after much persuasion from The Monkey). Then I had to buy a new wireless router because our current one wasn't able to handle the new work load (three laptops, X-Box Live, and two desktops all working off of the same connection). My last splurge was really unintentional but it was just an opportunity that was too good to pass up. With all that has happened we are moving my mom over to our wireless plan. There's no sense in her paying $80.00 a month for a cell phone she hardly uses. (In retrospect, there's no real reason for her to be without one, either.) The ideal solution was to add her onto our account since it would only be, at most, $10 more a month on our bill. But then VZW said we couldn't add a new line without changing (read: upgrading) our current plan since it was outdated. And since we were going to be forced to do it anyway I went ahead and upgraded our phones as well. We'll both have Motorola DROIDs tomorrow. Yes, I am excited. (They were buy one get one free. And as a VZW employee, The Monkey only has to agree to a one year contract versus two. BUT we get the two year contract price on phones. And we get that privelege every ten months. Sweet.)

And now it's time for me to lie down. I am taking Mom to the social security office tomorrow morning. And then I have another therapy session at noon. I'm really enjoying all of the extra time I've been spending with my mom. I can't remember ever getting to sit around and just talk to her. Especially while she's sober. :P She's a good person, with a good heart that has been dealt a crappy hand. But she is just the type of woman that will pick up and go on and amaze the hell out of all those around her.

My BFF is trying to help me, too. She told me to start writing stuff down. I haven't written (in a paper journal) in years. I'm also going to start working more on some holistic treatments for bipolar. (This involves learning triggers and how to avoid them and what to do if I can't avoid them... etc etc.)

In spite of everything, I am still pretty confident that 2010 is going to be a good year.