documenting the non-interesting

Today my anxiety level is through the roof. I don't know what gives. Anxiety has been an almost non-issue for the past year because we removed the major source of stress from my life: work. Money/finances have been a source of stress and worry but nothing unmanagable, to be honest.

Today's anxiety came out of nowhere. It hit like a freak lightning strike on a stormless, cloudless day. There are no precursors. I am not preoccupied about anything, to my knowledge. Things are taking a turn for the better with The Monkey getting hired on at Verizon. (His hire date, by the way, is June 1st!) His first paycheck for Verizon is going to fall, spectacularly, one week after his last Manpower paycheck. So no juggling finances and rearranging bills. And I've even been consistently losing weight and dared to put on some clothes I haven't worn in a year and a half and was delighted to find that they not only fit, they fit comfortably.

So I have no clue where the anxiety/panic is coming from. None at all.

I saw my pdoc again today. I'll be glad when we have insurance and I can choose my own pdoc and see someone that will give me more than five minutes every month and a half. I understand the situation. And I am grateful that I was able to utilize their services while being uninsured. I'm just ready to see a pdoc that does more than write a few things down on paper and then handing me a prescription.

And speaking of prescriptions, I am up to the lowest theraputic dosage of Lamictal. It doesn't seem to be doing much of anything but it's certainly not hurting me so the doc upped me to a better (and more widely used) theraputic dosage of 200mg per day. So I start that dosage tomorrow. I'm not taking the Zyprexa often. It does keep me from climbing the walls but the side effects are completely unacceptable. I'll take a small dose at night and the next day all I can think about is EATING. So I shy away from it except in times of desperate need (e.g. I haven't slept more than a couple of hours in a week and I feel like I'm going to crawl up the walls and hang from the ceiling).

In other news, So You Think You Can Dance started tonight! I completely missed last season because of everything that was transpiring in our lives at the time (my depression, hospitalization, The Monkey getting fired, my getting fired, moving... blah blah blasé blah) but I really enjoyed the hell out of season three and I am hoping this season kicks some major bootie!

So now I'm going to go sit down and watch Ace of Cakes reruns and then Good Eats. And I'll take my meds like a good little girl and hopefully sleep the entire night and not worry about the shadows and the incessant racing thoughts.

Yep.