ch-ch-changes

One can only assume it was a matter of time before we wore out our welcome here, right? I mean we've been staying at my sister's for going on two years and that's a long time to live with someone. It's definitely more than I can expect. More than anyone can expect, I guess.

Things have been going downhill for a while. I'm not sure exactly why. My sister has always been clear that she is fine with us being here. She enjoys our company (and I think a part of her enjoys having a 'buffer' between her and her husband). But her husband feels otherwise and I guess that's fine. The whole mess started out over money. I'm a little irritated that he's taking things out on us that aren't our fault. (Like the fact that the boat he and my dad went in on together is now in default because my dad is in jail. Or that he didn't account for things coming out of his retirement like, oh say health and dental insurance. Or that he didn't listen to me when I tried to tell him how SSD really worked. And now he's getting no where even close to the income he thought he was going to be getting now that he's out of the military. So all of a sudden The Monkey and I should start paying half of the $400 electric bill? And help with other utilities? And prepare meals several times a week? And I should talk about filing bankruptcy since I clearly can barely afford to keep up with my credit card payments.) But all of this would be water under the bridge if it weren't for the conniving way he went about "asking" us to leave. Because he didn't. He picked an argument with my sister and gave her an ultimatum -- tell them to leave or I'm leaving. What kind of husband does that??

So, we've been tossing around the idea with moving in with my mom. We can't afford a place of our own until my disability kicks in and that could be several months from now still. (Have I mentioned lately how incredibly tiring this process is??) We hadn't gone forward with it because we were mostly worried about my sister's feelings. She'd already mentioned that she didn't want us to move out. And it went from that from that to this overnight.

So I guess we'll be spending the next week or two getting things organized and moved into storage. We won't need a lot of the things we have here. Our TV and dressers can go into storage as can most of our furniture. We mostly just need our clothes and essentials. There's a big part of me that's utterly relieved. No more worrying about creepy crawlies and sweating to death in the summer time. The Monkey and I can finally look at getting back on track with eating properly. My cats will finally have room to run around. Olivia has really been acting strange lately. Almost like she has cabin fever (if it's possible for an animal to get such). It's certainly going to be an interesting adjustment, though. Our three cats, my mom's two cats, and her chihuahua. Wow. We're definitely going to need a couple more litter boxes.

With this has come all sorts of new questions. My mom keeps telling me that I should stop my BCPs and we should start TTC again. (FYI - this living situation could be semi-permanent. Once my dad gets sentenced, he's likely to get prison time from anywhere from 10 - 15 years; if not longer. My mom has the room and she's not bad company or hard to get along with.) I've already told her that we are not going to be ready for that right away. (I will admit that it's totally tempting; but we're not in financial shape right now to TTC much less support a child. But it is nice knowing that maybe we can start some sort of "countdown" to trying again. Perhaps a 2011 or 2012 baby is on the horizon?)

In the meantime, I have surrendered my credit cards to The Monkey. I am going to start with my lowest balance card and start hacking away at balances the best I can. It's not going to be easy and it's definitely not going to be quick but it has to be done. With any luck we'll have a couple paid off by the end of the year and we can use our tax return to pay off one or two more.

Change. fdsjkf;sjdk

the good, the bad, and the beautified

It has been a HECTIC week. A week full of uncertainty and potential disaster.

It started last Friday evening when The Monkey came home from work doubled over. Kidney stone. It required a visit to the ER, copious IV painkillers, a CT scan, and labs. The stone was only 1 - 2mm in diameter so they sent him home all doped up and told him to come back if the excruciating pain returned and to follow up with a urologist. If/when he passed the stone, he did so without knowing it because he stopped straining his urine on Monday when he went back to work. But he hasn't had any further pain so we're confident that everything is okay. He still needs to see a urologist, though. He was on a medication called Urocit a couple of years ago to help prevent stone formation. We've been together for six years. This is the fourth stone he's had in that time. Poor guy!

So Friday night was boring. He was completely zonked and wound up falling asleep during the movie we tried to watch.

Saturday we got up early to get the house nice and tidy for my sister's return. I wanted to vacuum and straighten up and make sure the bathroom and everything was nice and clean. The Monkey was in a little bit of pain so he decided to go to Walgreens and fill his prescriptions (one for Flomax and one for Lortab 10). When he got back he told me that he couldn't get my car to start. WTF?! So I called my dad and he came over and gave my silver bullet a once over. He couldn't find the problem. He said it was most likely the camshaft sensor or the main computer. (The engine was turning over but it wouldn't start.) I was HIGHLY frazzled. Thankful, of course, that we have two vehicles and we'd still have transportation, but UPSET nonetheless. On Sunday we had dinner with my parents and my dad told me to go to AutoZone on Monday and get them to print out a diagram and instructions on how to remove/replace the camshaft sensor. Since The Monkey has an engine identical to mine, we could swap his and see if that was, indeed, the issue.

Thankfully it didn't even go that far. Upon much Googling, I discovered a message board for Alero owners. Someone had posted the same exact problem that I was having. Four of the five replies told the original poster to check their passlock. The passlock is an anti-theft device. When you put your key in the ignition, magnets align in a certain way and, provided it is the correct key and forms the correct alignment, the ignition switch sends a message to the onboard computer which then sends a message to your engine that says "fire fuel injectors". If someone tries to steal the car the passlock mechanism tells the computer to NOT tell the engine to fire the fuel injectors. No fuel, no start. And once the mechanism is tripped, the car won't start no matter how many times you try. Thankfully one of the people on the message boards had a fix. They said to leave the key in the ignition with the ignition switch turned to "On" and to leave it alone for at least 10 minutes. So I did just that, keeping my fingers crossed the whole time. When I finally went back out to my car the "SECURITY" light that had been flashing was out. I pulled the key out and then put it back in and cranked my car. It started right up!! I haven't had a problem with it starting since. Hooray!

But the car drama didn't end there. On Wednesday evening The Monkey and I were driving to Walmart and my check engine light popped on. I cursed a few times then said we were going over to my dad's promptly to find out what code was making the light come on. P0455, as it turns out which means there is an Evaporation Emissions Control System leak. In parantheses it said "Gross Leak" and I was prepared for the worst. Thankfully, once again, the issue didn't seem to be anything serious at all. My owner's manual said to delete the error code and tighten the gas cap. If the light came back on, there was a problem (which may be no more serious than needing a new gas cap). If it didn't come back on (which it hasn't) then it was most likely due to the gas cap being loose. Another bullet dodged.

But, alas, the car drama still doesn't end there! Yesterday I drove out to Birmingham for my RE appointment (more on that in a moment). It was a hellatious drive and one that I haven't made in a long time. It probably wouldn't have been so terrible if it weren't for all the road work. I hit some form or another on every major highway. I hit it twice on I-65 -- once in Montgomery and then again on the outskirts of Birmingham. Anyway, the ride was mostly uneventful, just a little longer than I'm used to. The way home was rough. I was tired and I hit a couple of storms so there were a couple of times where I had to do about 35 into 70. I left Birmingham around 3:00 and I didn't get back into town until almost 7:00. (Normally this drive takes me just under three hours.) I immediately went to our local Walgreens to pick up my prescriptions. When I turned into the parking lot my BRAKE warning light came on. And then, almost as quickly went back out. I pulled into a parking spot and pulled my hand brake. The light came on (as expected) and then went out when I released the brake. I thought it was a fluke until I turned into Arby's and the same thing happened. And then again when I turned onto a street in our neighborhood. And then again when I pulled into the driveway. The light didn't stay on, though. It was coming on and staying lit for 20 - 30 seconds and then going out. I immediately thought about the $650 brake job I had done a month ago. My front brakes are all brand new and my rear drums were cleaned and adjusted. The last thing I should be having problems with are my freaking brakes! Especially since I've only driven about 800 miles since they were changed and 400 of that was yesterday! Anyway, I called my dad this morning and asked him if my brake fluid could be low. He said it would absolutely cause the problem but just filling it with brake fluid wouldn't solve the underlying problem. Brake systems are self contained. You should rarely, if ever, have to add brake fluid to the resevoir. If you do, there is a leak somewhere. Just. Freaking. Fantastic. So, sure enough, when he opened the fluid resevoir it wasn't just low it was EMPTY. Like seriously BONE DRY. So my dad, after chastising me for taking my car to "amateur mechanics" instead of him, took a look at my calipers and brake lines. Sure enough, the lines were leaking. I was furious to say the least. I told my dad I was taking it back to Expert Tire so they could fix the issue. It was, after all, an issue THEY caused. I've never had this problem before they did the brake job. My dad was afraid that they would call me a silly girl and tell me that the moisture I saw was simply due to the roads being wet from all the rain (nevermind the fact that the lines were perfectly dry except where the connections were) so he called them up before sending me over. They had me in and out in a half hour. Something about a bad O-ring, which they replaced. Nevertheless, I plan to keep an eye on my brake fluid levels. If it starts to go down, I'll be taking it back again. Only THIS time, I'll be bringing my dad, a veteran Army mechanic, along with me. :P

I have to say that my day started off pretty well, though. At my appointment yesterday they drew labs and then I had my annual exam. This morning they called back with the results which are as follows:

• TSH was above three. They like to see it below three and told me to keep taking the 50mcg of Synthroid as directed.


• Cholesterol was normal! A big shocker since PCOSers are predisposed to high cholesterol and I'm not exactly the ideal build.


• CBC showed that my iron count was low. It should be 11.5 or higher and mine was 10.3. They stared me on iron supplements. I am not looking forward to the constipation.


• My pap cultures all came back normal. Hooray again!


• Last, but not least, my fasting insulin was an astounding 5.3!! My jaw hit the floor when she said that. I was totally prepared for it to be much higher than that! For reference sake, when I was first diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance in 2006 my level was above 24. After my first month on metformin it dropped to 12. In two subsequent labs it was 10 and then later on 14. So it has NEVER been this low! She said it was an excellent level. I am not sure how skewed this result might be. Your supposed to be fasting for 8 - 12 hours before they draw blood. I didn't have anything to eat after 8:00 PM on the 29th and they didn't draw the blood for the labs until 1:00 PM on the 30th. Even still, I imagine it couldn't have been too much higher. I'm to continue taking 1500mg of metformin daily. I specifically asked for the immediate release instead of the extended release which they had no problem with.

I started my Synthroid today. The effects on my appetite were incredible. I had to force myself to eat lunch. I have to take it on an empty stomach and am not supposed to eat for at least a half hour afterwards. I wound up being so caught up in getting ready for my busy day that it was nearly 11:00 before I ate anything. I started to feel woozy and scarfed down a sandwich. But every time I thought about eating a bagel or something it just didn't sound appealing. Which is really different since that's what I've been having for breakfast for a couple of weeks now. A cinnamon bagel with cinnamon swirl cream cheese. Or a blueberry bagel with strawberry and cheesecake flavored cream cheese. [drool] I was pretty ravenous at dinner time so I need to make a point about eating smaller meals throughout the day. AF made a rather timely appearance and I'll be starting my birth control pills (Desogen) tonight as well. I'm really hoping this combo of meds will help make losing weight that much easier. My RE and the nurses were all astounded by my weight loss. I've lost 30 pounds since the beginning of the year. I had to make sure and emphasize that I'd gained about 40 pounds in 2008. :P Still, it was nice to get the pats on the back for my efforts and encouragement to keep going. I also found out that my sister's scale is DEAD ON accurate. I weighed myself before I left (being sure to have my clothes on) and I weighed the same amount at the doctor's office.

Today I had a semi-busy day. I had to go to the DMV to register our cars. Today was the last day to do it without the $15 per vehicle penalty. The line was pretty long but the wait wasn't bad at all. Unfortunately, I wish I'd driven out to Dale county to reregister them instead of doing it in Coffee because we wound up having to pay an extra $25 for city tax or something. I could've saved money even though I would've had to drive 28 miles. [shrug] It's just as well, though. Then I took my car to Expert Tire. And then I headed to my stylist to have my hair done. Which, I must say, turned out positively fabulous as usual!



A view from the front.



A view from the back to show the contrasting colors of the top layers vs. the bottom layers.

It's a bit different from the colors I did in March. The bottom layers are the same dark, almost black brown. But the top is much more red than it was in March. Which means it won't fade out quite as nicely but that's okay. Now I'm all set up for portraits when we go up north!

We are leaving here at midnight on the 3rd (well, technically, the 4th). The drive is going to take an estimated 17 hours. I'm wishing I could get a hold of a really GOOD radar detector to cut down our travel time, though. I need to procure a car charger for my iPod so I have some form of entertainment. Reading is out of the question as I get motion sickness quite easily. I wish we could take my sister's Suburban because it's fully loaded, DVD player and TV included. But we won't all fit so we're taking my mom's Trailblazer instead. Only three more days to go! I'm very excited to see everyone! Even if I didn't quite meet my weight loss goal.

And now to go lie down and relax and hopefully pass out after my full day.

just a couple more weeks

Because I didn't continue to steadily and slowly lose weight over the past month, I now have to lose five pounds a week to meet my original goal for August. Since that's obviously not going to happen I am going to lose as much as possible between now and then and hope for the best. I'm really hoping my face clears up before our trip. My mom is talking about portraits and I'd really rather not have to look at this face frozen in time. I have a hair appointment scheduled for the 31st. At least I'll have awesome hair.

So I was going to schedule appointments with an endocrinologist to get new prescriptions for my metformin and Sythroid. But, as it turns out, the only endocrinologist that I can see locally requires a referral from my GP before they'll see me. Then I'd have to fuss around and get records from my RE and everything else. I also wanted to get on birth control pills, preferably before left for Pennsylvania, but my OBGYN couldn't get me in until August 17th. GAAH! So I broke down and called my RE instead. They, as usual, were super nice. They said there wouldn't be a problem managing my PCOS and thyroid. So I have an appointment in Bham for the 30th. It sucks that I have to drive all that way for a 30 minute appointment but at least I'll be able to get all of my meds and my annual pap in one shot. Plus I don't have to wait. So it'll be worth it. Not to mention I won't have to worry about sitting in the waiting room at my OBGYN's office amongst all of the pregnant women. I was dreading that more than the papsmear itself.

I have nothing else exciting going on. I'm looking forward to our trip. My sister is going to the beach for a week. They leave on Saturday which leaves The Monkey and I alone for an entire week. Should be good times. I would like to take a trip down to the beach for a day but I'm not sure if I will.

I am thoroughly excited to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince on Friday. I'll admit to being a little bummed that we weren't able to go to the midnight premiere last night but I'll get over it. I have absolutely nothing to do today so I think I'll lounge around and try to breeze through the book one more time. I am such a nerd. :P

just get it out of your head

Even though getting pregnant right now would be nothing short of stupid I still, in the back of my mind, never stopped wishing it would happen. Of course, it hasn't. And I never, truly expected it to. Just that nagging hope poking the back of my brain...

but what if, what if, what if??

In regards to my girly bits, this past year has been freakish. I am used to not having a period for MONTHS at a time. It's one of the 'hallmarks' of PCOS, after all. But this past year I've been semi-regular. Maybe it comes from living with my ultra-fertile, set-a-clock-by-her-periods regular sister. She gets PMS-y and, sure enough, a few days later I am PMS-y. But, unlike her, my cycles were still erratic. A few times I bled for WEEKS at a time. I'd stop bleeding and be all THANK GOD and jump The Monkey's bones only to hear my sister say "Ugh, I'm getting ready to start..." and, after a mere week's reprieve from bleeding, I would start right along with her. I have wanted to hurt her on more than one occasion because of this.

Gradually the length of my period has been dwindling. The longest I went was 20 days. The shortest being last "cycle" during which I had a light flow for about a week. Only to start again ten days later. So, yeah, it's a bit annoying. Not to mention MAJORLY inconvenient. And a little expensive.

Without insurance, it was kind of pointless for me to try and get birth control pills to control things. Plus I want to be on a specific birth control pill (Yasmin) because the progestin in it has shown to help lower androgens. And it helped me lose weight in 2007 when we went on TTC hiatus post miscarriage. (In less than three months, I believe, I dropped 12-ish pounds.) However, now that I have medical insurance, there really isn't any reason for me to torture myself with these insane cycles. I mean, it's not like they are predictable. And they're wreaking havoc on my sex life. And I really don't need to get pregnant right now. And birth control pills are good for helping with PCOS symptoms. And, all in all, it's a wise decision.

And yet.

what if, what if, what if...?

[sigh]

So I guess it's time to make an appointment with my OBGYN for a slightly overdue annual exam. And it's time to seek out an endocrinologist to have all the routine tests done for hypothyroidism and insulin resistance / PCOS. And it's time to focus on getting The Monkey's back pain under control, even if it means potential spine surgery. And it's long past time for both of us to get our health under control. Especially The Monkey's sleep apnea, weight, blood pressure, and cholesterol.

It sort of feels like closure. It wreaks of finality that I'm not sure I'm ready to go through but know that I need to go through anyway. Hopefully children are still in our future. Hopefully this time next year I'll go back to my RE, get things rolling again, and be knocked up within a few months rather than a few years.

I know it's the right decision. I know it's the adult and smart decision. But that doesn't change how absolutely wrong it feels.

blindsided by a Disney movie??

Last night my sister treated me to the new Disney Pixar movie Up. We've been joking about the previews for weeks looking at each other at random and hollering 'Squirrel!' My niece asked to see it for her birthday so that's what we did.

I'll admit that I really didn't know what the movie was about, exactly. The previews didn't really give away the plot. Right before we left for the theater I read the synopsis online. It seemed harmless enough.

It was a very cute movie but, holy hell, the first 20 minutes of the movie had me bawling. And it was hard to discretely wipe my eyes with 3D glasses on. Damnit! Even the little Pixar 'short' that they played before the movie made me teary. Curse you Pixar! But, seriously, the movie was good. And I think plenty of my IFer friends will appreciate the sentiment the movie expressed.

I was retelling some of the plot to my mom this afternoon and couldn't even get all the way through it without bawling again. Meh.

Errgh. Only 42 more days until we go up north. While I'm thoroughly excited, I am worried that we won't have the money. I am really praying that The Monkey gets a bonus. We have to renew our tags in July. I think I am going to have to take my sister's advice and call in and ask our bank about foregoing our car payment for July. Surely they will oblige? I mean, I only have six payments left (I financed the car for five years) and I've never missed a payment in that entire time. The same thing goes for The Monkey's car. If we are able to do that for the month of July we'll have an extra $400 for the month which we can put toward our tags and we won't be so strapped for money.

proof positive

No matter how you slice it, treating and loving someone else's kids like they are your own is never the same. The bond isn't the same. The love isn't the same.

Lately my niece has been acting super bratty towards me. Whenever I so much as talk to her she starts crying or acts plain ugly to me. I can't really fault her for it, she's only 18 months old after all, but it still hurts my heart. It hurts my heart because no matter how much I want to pretend that my nieces and nephews are enough for me it simply isn't. I want a child of my own. I want that bond that doesn't compare to any other bond. I want the smile that lights up a room when I walk in.

I guess I'm just selfish. And maybe hypersensitive today.

I let myself run out of meds like a dumbass and now I'm paying for it. Hopefully I'll be back to normal in a few days. In the meantime I am going to drown myself in too much Guitar Hero Metallica. I'm currently downloading the entire Death Magnetic album. Maybe my husband will spend some time playing it with me instead of spending much of his off time on the computer playing Diablo. I shudder to think how little time he's going to spend with me when he gets a new card for WoW. Some days I'm just more needy than others.

Completely random and off topic: The Monkey won tickets to Bama Jam today. It's just too bad I'm NOT a country music fan. Not even a little bit. The only band that's playing that even remotely interests me is the Black Crowes. And maybe Kid Rock. Though Kid Rock is favoring towards country lately and, again, I am NOT a country music fan. And, honestly, have never been that big on Kid Rock, either. We discussed selling the tickets. They're going for $180 a piece right now. We could always knock off some of that and have a better chance at getting rid of them. However, we don't know if we could get into trouble for selling tickets that he won. Our second option would be to just say screw it and use the tickets. The third, and probably best option, would be to give the tickets to my sister and BIL. Since they both LOVE country music and they have friends that are going. WWYD?

I need my island now, please!

There's a girl I knew in High School that I check up on via MySpace every now and again. It's been months since I've even bothered because she doesn't update often. Besides that, her son was born at the end of December 2007 so looking at her pictures is kind of like punishment.

But, like I said, it'd been months since I'd checked in on her and I knew her son had just turned a year old and I was curious to see pictures of him eating his first birthday cake and other such things. (What can I say, I am SO glutton for punishment!)

But instead of torturing myself with cute pictures of a baby that is about the same age as my baby would have been I saw a blog post titled "PREGNANT?!?" No, really. So I read the blog post and apparently she had an IUD put in after the birth of her little boy and they [the doctors] suppose it 'fell out' some how.

I can't even articulate how this makes me feel. I am [thisclose] to just slitting my wrists because I don't think I can handle this crap anymore. As hard as I try to just accept being childfree I really just can't. I don't know how. I've spent too long and tried too hard and lost a little too much innocence to go back to being happy the way I was. The way I might have to spend the rest of my life being. So I really don't see the point anymore. I just don't.

Oh and a family friend's daughter just had her second a couple of weeks ago. Her first turned one today. And my mom cheerfully informed me that my cousin's wife had her baby yesterday. A big nine pound five ounce healthy baby boy. Have I mentioned that my cousin got thrown out of the military and doesn't work? And that they live with his dad and girlfriend right now? Yeah.

I'm just not able to sufficiently distract myself from any of it anymore.

ghosts of TTC past

I don't get how some people just seem to exist for the sole purpose of breeding. Furthermore I don't get how this crap can still bother me. I want to scream at myself to GET THE HELL OVER IT ALREADY and MOVE THE HELL ON!

I was in a sort of carefree mood this afternoon. With the news of our tax return and a refund coming in from DeVry I've just been feeling lighthearted. I guess having a financial two ton brick lifted from your chest can do that. I was driving home after my therapy session contemplating dinner. I decided on chicken parmesan and promptly headed to Winn Dixie. When I'm in this type of mood I just feel so...light. Carefree. Almost like I am in an impermiable bubble -- my own little world. It's kind of bad for me to go out in public in such a mood becuase I talk to myself. A lot. In order not to look like I just stepped off the crazy ward I have to consciously remind myself to STOP having conversations with thin air. Other times I just roll with it. Screw what the general public thinks about me. (They're probably right anyway.) But I digress.

So I'm wandering through Winn Dixie (in circles, I might add) picking up the things we need for supper. I find a couple of good deals (chicken breasts buy one get one free!) and eventuall mosey up to the check out. Pay my $60 (but hey, I saved $20!) and as I'm heading out the door a guy is herding his two-maybe-three year old into the store carrying his maybe-one-year old trailed by his [I hope] wife who has a belly. Does she have a belly? It looks like she has a belly. As I'm trying to decide whether or not she's pregnant I read her shirt: EXPECTING, it declares in shiney rhinestone letters.

I suddenly don't feel so carefree and lighthearted anymore. This random stranger and her shirt with the glittery declarative has popped my bubble.

Damn it. Now I have to spend the rest of the afternoon actually feeling all of these other feelings that I have absolutely NO desire to feel.

I don't understand how this can still happen to me. Why it still happens to me. I thought I'd moved to a place of acceptance. Where I could be happy just to wake up and not feel like offing myself. Where I could be happy playing the role of "trophy wife" and "auntie extraordinaire" and being childless. But I guess I'm just not there. As badly as I WANT to be there, I'm just not. I wonder if I'll ever get to that point.

I worry that infertility has scarred me for life and that in order to live out a full, happy, childfree existance I will have to purchase and then move to some uncharted island somewhere out in the Pacific where nary another pregnant belly can deflate my happiness bubble.

hope for the beginning of a trend

The Monkey got a phone call from Manpower this afternoon. He starts training for Customer Service at Unicel/Verizon (the old company is Unicel; they've officially been bought out by Verizon but are still in the process of converting everything from the Unicel brand to the Verizon brand) on Monday the 12th. We are both positively thrilled even if this doesn't mean an end to our financial struggles. (Nor does it mean an end to us living with my sister and family. We still have to wait and see what happens with my SSDI claim.) The starting pay is nothing to brag about (it's roughly the same as his unemployment checks) but it will definitely get us by. And after his initial 90 day probation period the company should offer him a permanent position at which time he will get a pay raise and (and and AND!) qualify for benefits. Oh glorious, stupendous, muchly coveted benefits. This means in about three months I should be able to get medication that is NOT Lithium and Zyprexa. Joy above all joys. Also they have IF coverage. Which is, yeah, kind of cool but not at all exciting since we are in NO financial state (or living situation) to even think about thinking about picking TTC back up.

But yeah. Employment. I was beginning to think we were going to be hobos very soon. Yay for not becoming hobos!

another year gone by...

Today I'm 28. So close to 30 now it's getting scary. :-P I contemplated getting drunk tonight but I'm really not in the mood. Something about melancholy that makes getting inebriated less appealing. Le sigh.

I wish I had something insightful or interesting to say about the year past. I absolutely don't. It was another year. It was a rough year. I'm sure there will be years that will top this one in the 'rough' category, though. Still no children. I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever be parents. I'm beginning to wonder if I even care anymore. Last year I was getting a shot in my ass for yet another failed attempt to get pregnant. The year before I was just starting my long run of visits to Birmingham and Montgomery for a chance to get pregnant. This year, we've stopped trying all together. Funny how things can change so drastically.

I just finished a small slice of red velvety goodness. I can feel myself getting fatter. Literally. Ugh. (This feeling is drastically exacerbated by the string of photos my sister took in which I look incredibly large.) Time to really buckle down and lose weight. Seriously. I really MUST get on the ball. [eyeroll]

So I had cake and icecream and forced a smile (and it actually didn't look fake) and I have new socks and all is just so with the world. Time to wash my face and curl up on the couch under two thick blankets with a warm, fuzzy kitty at my feet. Tomorrow I will be one day closer to 29. I will try not to think about my life ending one nano-second at a time.

Pictures to follow... eventually. My hair looked kinda neat today with the whole wavey look. I think I like it.

The third month that ends in 'ber'

So, Halloween was completely yawn-worthy this year. My parents decided against the traditional Halloween party which really bummed me out. So no nifty costumes or jell-o shots or cute Halloween-themed cupcakes this year. Nope. Just a night hanging out with Tony's brother and niece for a little while and lots of crying and general moodiness during the day. Now Christmas is on the way and I'm just sure to crash into severe depression. I do every year and I just know this year is going to be worse because we don't have money to spend on gifts which usually helps alleviate some of the holiday blues. But oh well. I did get to carve a pumpkin and I did show my Halloween spirit by wearing black and orange. (Plus I found a wicked-cool eyeshadow tutorial for smokey orange eyes and I must say that I think it turned out pretty kick-ass.) The kids went trick-or-treating and their costumes looked really good.


































I'm 28 in a month and two days. So close to 30 that I am really starting to feel it. (Not that being 30 is a bad thing or anything. I just feel very under accomplished for someone reaching the "big" three-oh.) Some days I feel okay with not being pregnant (or having a child) yet. Then there are days where I remember that this would've been our baby's first Halloween (and first Thanksgiving, and first Christmas... etc, etc). And the fact that we won't be embarking back on our TTC journey for a long time just doesn't help. But whatever.

I have an appointment with our county's Mental Health service on Thursday. This appointment is strictly eval and therapy. I'm not sure when I'll actually get to see their pdoc and talk about meds. They do not offer free services (contrary to what the SSA told me) but they do offer a sliding scale payment method based on income. So we'll find out how much it's going to cost on Thursday. Hopefully I'll like the therapist and the pdoc because they only have a few of the former and ONE of the latter. I guess it can't be any worse than my usual pdoc in Dothan.

My moods are everywhere. I sleep a lot and then I can't sleep sometimes at all. Here lately I've been drugging myself with Xanax when I look at the clock and see that it's 3:00 AM and all the TV channels are going to "Paid Programming" and I notice that I'm desperately awake. Trying not to throw/break things or hurt myself. Trying to supress the urge to verbally wish myself dead. Wishing my life meant something significant or served some greater purpose. And again... whatever.

drawing a blank

I've found that my unemployed life is not so much better than my employed life. It's still ridiculously routine and horribly mundane. I do enjoy spending the extra time with my husband but I find myself waking in the morning and going "now what?" This isn't a feeling I particularly enjoy. I just don't know what to do with myself. I know that sounds cliché but I can't really think of any other way to put it.

Is it really possible that, at almost @28 years old, I still have no idea who I really am? I mean, really. Looking back, it seems I knew more about myself when I was @21 than I do now. How is that even remotely possible? Maybe I'm approaching an early mid-life crisis. Maybe I'm just fucked in the head. Both seem logical explanations for how I feel.

After spending five years on a crusade to become a mother and then suddenly halting all efforts, I just feel completely lost. How could I have let something with such uncertain results consume me? Define me, even? Maybe I've never really known who I am and maybe becoming a mom was a way to finally firmly define myself.

I spend so much time bemused by thoughts of what the outcome of my life is going to be. There's an underlying problem and that problem is the urge to self destruct. I began my self destructive behavior at a very young age and carried it, possibly, to a point of no return. This sounds strange, so let me explain. I had no ambitions in High School. I remember having some ambition as a @12 year old to write. And sometime around the 8th grade I suddenly had an ambition to become a pediatrician. But somewhere after the 8th grade, I just started to implode. And I've been on this slow-as-fuck self destruct sequence ever since. But I digress. I had no ambitions in High School to become anything. I didn't take my SAT's. I didn't talk to my counselor about colleges or careers. Then I got booted out of my High School in Germany and sent to Fort Knox to try and finish there. Eventually, I dropped out in favor of drinking and hanging out with my new degenerate "friends". Truth be told, I never expected to make it past @21, thus, I never planned for my future.

I guess it appears, on the surface, that I'm trying to make something of my life now. After all, I am pursuing a college degree, right? But there are times that I'm not even sure I want to work in IT for the rest of my life. Like I said, I can't really tell you what it is that I want to spend the rest of my life doing. When I was younger, I was too absorbed in the now to really think about the future (living in a constant state of suicidality does that to a person, you know) and now that I'm older I am afraid that I'm simply running out of time. I guess that's part of the reason I decided to pursue a degree in Information Technology. It's a widespread, ever growing industry and I knew the career and earning potential were there. (In all honesty, what I'd really love to do is just be a freelance web developer and work from home but I haven't the experience or the credibility to do so. It takes years of experience in coding to really earn any kind of money in web development. It's a very competitive field and you have to be the best of the best to just get a job doing web development, much less do freelance work. Still, this has been my pipe dream since I was @20 and introduced to the spectacular world of HTML.)

Like anyone else in this world, I just want to be (and stay) happy. But at this juncture, I am completely obvlivious as to what it's going to take to get me there.

realizations

I babysat my niece for the first time today. It wasn't for long but it was fun. She slept for me so I didn't have to entertain her much. Then we went to my parents' house for supper and she got in the pool for the first time! She was so cute kicking her legs and propelling herself across the pool. She's such a doll.

Every day I become more and more okay with being Auntie Lissa and Uncle Tony for the rest of my life.