guess what?

I'm a mom.

And guess what becoming a mom didn't cure?

My mental illness. *gasp!* Yes interwebs I am still very much bipolar after giving birth to my two beautiful daughters. And it sucks! (Um, not being a mom. That's pretty awesome. Being a bipolar mom sucks.)

I seriously need to get my meds straight. I went back on them right after delivering but it has NOT managed to keep the mood swings under control. Not even a little bit. In fact, I can't ever remember being THIS bad while on a proper med cocktail. Ever. (The Zoloft treatment circa my uber-crazy late teen/early 20 years doesn't count. Monotherapy with an SSRI does not adequate bipolar treatment make.) Right now I'm on the 20mg of Prozac and 200mg of Lamictal I was on pre-pregnancy. I feel like I'm on freaking placebos.

Things heavy on my list right now: paranoia, excessive extreme guilt, flight of ideas (O. M. G.), rage/anger/outbursts, deep depressions with crying spells, overspending, guilt, and possibly maybe some mild transient psychosis.

Right now I am rational and I can process this. When I am at either end of the bipolar spectrum (manic/depressed) I cannot. Everything is MY fault. I'm a horrible mother. My children and husband deserve SO much better. The world would be better off without me. Blah blah blah...

The only thing I can think to do for the time being is talk to my pdoc (appointment on Tuesday) about some sort of antipsychotic for the time being. I don't know what else to do. Lamictal was such a miracle drug for me three years ago and now I might as well be taking Pez in its place. And I'm not sure if the Prozac is helping (keeping me from being too awfully depressed) or hurting (contributing to the dysphoric manias I've been dealing with lately).

But these two little creatures that I have. Wow. They are amazingly worth it. I know I can get through this. It may take another dozen medication tweaks but I know we can get my bipolar stabilized. We have to. Because these two little creatures have totally stolen my heart.

12 weeks!

I have several posts pending. I sit down to write and never finish! Even my birth story is sitting in my un-posted archives waiting for me to finish it up.

Life is good. It's not always easy but it's definitely GOOD. I love these two little creatures so fiercly and completely. It's wonderful. ♥

I can't believe that they are already 12 weeks old! They are growing and changing so fast!

Here are some stats. Hopefully I'll get around to posting more often. The girls were born at 38w1d. I was in labor from 1:00 AM until they were born at 7:38 and 7:41 PM on July 3rd. I had an epidural though so it was all good. ;) Abigail Hope was 6 lbs, 13 oz and 19.5" long. Hannah Faith was 6 lbs, 14 oz and 20" long. Both were born vaginally! I pushed for less than 20 minutes to get them both out. (It sure felt like a LOT longer!) At their two month check Abby was up to 11 lbs 1 oz and 23.25" and Hannah was 11 lbs 5 oz and 24" long. They are delightful, happy little babies and I simply could not ask for more. :)

reality

I'm beginning to wonder when pregnancy is going to feel real. My logical/rational side keeps telling me to keep my cool because bad things can still happen. But my heart is telling me that these are my bring home babies. I can't explain my heart but right now, it speaks much louder than my brain. (It doesn't hurt that I'm able to hear the Twinkies on my home doppler now.)

My brain is busy processing that there will more than likely be two little babies in the house in roughly seven months time. Still... my mind's eye just can't see it. I still can't picture my belly getting big and round. I still can't picture myself nursing (or bottle feeding -- whatever the case may be). Which is really strange because while we were going through cycle after cycle of trying I had zero issues picturing us as parents.

But now that it's really happening, I'm drawing complete blanks! What's up with that?

In other news, The Monkey and I went to Toys 'R Us to do some Christmas shopping and spent our first 20 minutes on the Babies 'R Us side. I don't think The Monkey would admit it but I could sense a hint of excitement from him. He poked and prodded through the different "contraptions." He played with strollers and infant carriers. He even looked at nursery decor.

There aren't enough words to express my happiness right now. I'm just wondering... when does it feel really real??

We decided...

That if we get pregnant with twins we are going to call them "The Twinkies." :P

Follie scan went fantabulous this morning. I have four measurable follies and a smaller 11mm that most likely won't catch up. Measurements were 18mm, 2 x 15mm, and 13mm. My E2 was a stellar 532! I think maybe the DIM supplement I've been taking is working quite well!

So, I took my hCG trigger tonight and we are headed to Bham tomorrow evening and staying overnight because IUI will be at 7:30 AM Saturday and The Monkey said he didn't know how "in the mood" he would be if we had to get up at 3:30 AM and drive! Can't says I blame him there! We are thinking about catching a movie tomorrow evening.

In other news I am incredibly excited about Halloween! We are having it at my sister's instead of here and her garage is perfect. The walls are dark and it kind of feels cave-like. We have big plans for decorating. The Monkey and I stopped in Spencer's this afternoon and I'll be damned if I didn't find some really AWESOME decorations that were on clearance! I paid $31 for two eerie looking mirrors with skulls holding black roses (they have a candle holder in front of the mirror). Then I found two neat looking skull things -- one is a tea light holder and the other is an LED thing. Really super cool. I am thinking we'll go back to Spencer's and check out some of the other things. I'm also (of course!) doing all of the baking and sweet snacks. We're also going to do punch and some savory snacks.

Yeah. Super excited!

Then it's going to be time to prep to make my nephews' birthday cakes by the 10th. And then Madison's birthday cake at the end of November. And my mom wants me to make a cake for her boss' birthday. Then my sister's birthday at the beginning of December.

Anyone want to volunteer to make my birthday cake?? It's my 30th after all! :P

Ok, going to bed now and hoping that I can get some rest and that tomorrow goes by quickly!

Oh, and also there was this:


We went out to eat before coming home and I was terribly tickled by our fortune's. The Monkey's is on top, mine is on the bottom. :D

la la la can't hear you!

I used to think the 2WW was torture. Now I know that waiting for IUI day is the bane of my existence. My first monitoring appointment went okay. I know I know I KNOW that it "only takes one" to get pregnant. I know I know I know. But for crying out loud it would really be great to have more than one follicle developing so we'd have a chance at more than one egg so our chance at pregnancy would be increased -- no matter how minute that increase might be. Still, realistically, another follicle or two could catch up. I really hope so. There was some promising news. My E2 was 99.9 on day 9 and it was a dismal 60.4 on day 10 last cycle. So hopefully that's a good sign.

Anyway.

As of Friday (CD 9) I have one follicle at 10mm. I am on 150IU of Follistim so this is pretty annoying. They decided to have me stim through tomorrow and come back on Tuesday. I'm pretty much banking that we'll trigger on Tuesday and go in for our IUI on Thursday morning. We're planning on going out to eat at Cheesecake Factory afterwards because I've never eaten there and it sounds like a nice way to treat ourselves.

One of my biggest worries at this point is hitting our lifetime maximum. I think we're already up to $4,000 and our max is $15k. Unfortunately meds count against our lifetime max and that's what's killing us, really. The upside of all this is that I've already met my out of pocket maximum for this year. Which means if this cycle fails next cycle is a freebie. :P Silver lining, I guess.

I'm just so ready for this ride to be over. This neverending chapter of my life.

follie scan tomorrow...

I'm reading into things. This whole week I've happened to look at the clock on triple digits (my sister told me to make a wish)... Monday it was 4:44, then 5:55, 3:33, 2:22 the two days after... Then yesterday I was sitting in the truck waiting for my sister and I looked out the window to see a bright green (color of fertility) grasshopper just chillin' on my window. Grasshoppers are considered a fertility symbol as well. I have this long story about why the grasshopper was really significant to me that I'll have to share another time.

So... I took a cue from a few others (specifically I remember her post about her good luck charm and, of course, the lucky socks. So I had my mom string me a "fertility bracelet" for luck. It is moonstone and rosequartz with a turtle charm. All symbolic of fertility in some way or another.

move on, move on...

Right now I am pretty incredibly manic (which has me insanely worried because my hearing is on Friday and I can't decide if being manic at my disability hearing would be good or not??) I'm trying to burn these feelings into my brain so I can describe them accurately on Friday. I feel crazy. I want to focus on one thing but I can't. I am trying to reply to every.single.FB status. Talking my mom's ear off. Talking to the animals. Talking to myself. Talking to YOU! I'm too manic to text my BFF because it literally feels too slow. (Typing feels too slow. Typing IS too slow. I keep misspelling things.) I want to focus. I need to finish baking the cake I started (WTF made me want to bake a cake AND cook dinner AND have my mom fry up eggplant because now the kitchen is a mess!!) Also, I need t odo laundry and clean out the cat fountain and the kitchen floor needs cleaning amd the litter boxes need to be scooped as well and I really want to do all of this RIGHT.NOW. but I can't focus on anything.

I should probably take an Ativan soon or my heart might explode. (The palpitations are REALLY bad today.)

come on the rising wind*

Our financial stress has gone from about a nine to a two since filing bankruptcy. I'm not happy that I had to do it and I'm certainly not proud but I don't regret it. We have quite a bit coming up. The Monkey went to see a urologist regarding his low testosterone level and he immediately handed him a prescription for testosterone injections. Thankfully I'd done my research and learned that synthetic testosterone injections shut down sperm production and even after asking about an alternate treatment (Clomid, hCG) the urologist insisted that testosterone was the only way to go and that it wouldn't affect our TTC endeavors. Really? Well, we definitely won't be going back to see him that's for sure. I called our RE and they got us in on the 27th of July. I'll be getting my annual exam and bloodwork and all of that fun stuff. The Monkey will be getting some routine bloodwork as well along with a repeat semen analysis done. Sixteen more days to go. Why does it always seem like an eternity?

The first week in August I have to be in court for my bankruptcy hearing. I'm not really concerned about it because, as I said, I don't regret the decision. And The Monkey will be there with me and he's been through this before and assured me there's nothing to be worried about. Then, towards the end of August, I have to be in court again for my SSD hearing. Now that I am nervous about. I don't really know what to expect. I can walk. I can talk. I'm intelligent (or so I'm told). So, yeah, I'm worried. I'm worried the ALJ is going to look at me and snort and then send me packing. The Monkey says we'll appeal again if that happens. I really hope it doesn't.

That's the thing about mental illness. It's not exactly tangible. With a physical disability it's easy for someone to see that something is wrong (although, not in all cases). And although that doesn't necessarily make it easier to get approved for SSD (that's not what I'm saying) it is one less thing you have working against you. And you rarely find people frowning upon those with physical disabilities. I'm not looking for pity (I don't think anyone with a disability is) but it would be nice to get a little understanding. Understanding that I don't want this. I don't. It sucks. To go from one day to the next never knowing what your mood is going to be like. To find yourself curled up in bed, under the covers in a pool of tears and completely unable to explain to your husband why you're depressed. Don't get me started on the guilt that you feel when you watch your 58 year old mother drag herself to work day in and day out while you sit at home on your butt all day. (For the record, that is my insecurities talking. I don't sit on my butt all day. Depressive episodes are harder to manage because I do get very little accomplished. On good days, I keep up with house work, I cook, I tend to the animals, etc.)

I can't think straight.

more up and down time

Bloggity bloggity bloggity...

It seems since we moved in with my mom I have been more motivated to blog. I don't know if it's that I have more to say or just more time to say it. I just find that I feel like sitting down and putting my words down, I guess.

Tomorrow I have a consult for a bankruptcy with the same attorneys that are dealing with my disability case. I am sincerely hoping that they say the outlook is good. According the bit of research I've done online I can easily file Chapter 7 despite all of the new laws that Bush put into place several years ago. The Monkey and I don't even bring in half of the median income for the state of Alabama. And if Mom's mortgage doesn't get dropped low enough she is definitely going to need help keeping up with her bills. My dad's retirement really isn't very much. And her income is barely enough to cover their furniture bill (which is has to pay because she works there) and the utilities. As much as I feel like an utter failure for filing bankruptcy I honestly feel like it is the best route to go at this point. First of all, it will end all of my frivilous spending on credit. Our monthly bills will literally be cut in half, if not more. I can eliminate all of the medical bills I have floating around out there and we can set up payments on the few that The Monkey has out there so we can get those off of his credit. We're not looking at buying vehicles any time soon. Or any other major credit purchases for that matter. Our living situation is ideal. Neither The Monkey nor I mind living with my mom. She is, honestly, the ideal roommate. She doesn't eat much (gastric bypass), she cooks occasionally, she doesn't make a mess and what mess she does make is easy to pick up, she doesn't complain, she enjoys our company, and she can't wait for us to have a baby. :) My only qualm with her is that she STILL hasn't given up smoking. For those of you that pray, I ask that you pray hard that she gives it up soon. One of my biggest worries is that she will get lung cancer. My aunt passed from lung cancer in 2004 and another one of my aunts is strugggling with it now. I watched my aunt deteriorate so quickly in 2004 and I don't know if I could handle watching my mom go through that. And I really can't imagine not having her around to watch my children grow up. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. She gave up drinking and recreational drugs (marijuana) the day my dad was arrested but she is having serious problems giving up cigarettes. All the guilt trips in the world from my sister and me have ZERO effect. [sigh]

Today is going to prove to be a rather boring Wednesday. I did several loads of laundry yesterday and they all need to be folded, hung, and put away. Baskets upon baskets. After the day I spent organizing my mom's closets and drawers, I refuse to let it get out of hand. However, I woke up with a nasty sort of headache and I'm waiting for my medicine to kick in before I get started on any sort of strenuous chores. I'm also planning to tackle the kitchen floor (which is really kind of gross) since I finally got my electric sweeper vac from my sister's house along with the bathroom floors and toilets. (I did the bathtubs the other day.) Since I finally got my new litter scooper yesterday I won't mind scooping the litter boxes (all four of them) today as well. Most everything else is done. We cooked braised barbecue ribs, baked potatoes, corn on the cob, and Ceasar salad for supper last night and there are enough leftovers for this evening so I won't have to worry about cooking tonight.

Tonight I take my last active birth control pill. I don't have anymore refills but I do have a spare pack left. My plan is to go buy a new BBT this weekend (both of mine died after two years of gathering dust). I was also looking at buying some cheapie OPKs on eBay. I am going to monitor this next cycle or two off birth control and see how things pan out. I have a bottle of D-Chiro-Inositol that I didn't take and I am going to take that as well. Hopefully the 45 pounds I've lost in the past year and a half plus the eight months of birth control have done my body a little bit of good. Maybe I'll ovulate, maybe I won't. But I figure it won't hurt to see where my body is at. I'm trying not to let the burn of baby fever get to me. After all, it never happened naturally before, I shouldn't allow myself to get all hopeful that it will happen naturally now. I have looked up pricing for injectables and things. They are covered under our prescription insurance, thank the Lord, but they are not as cheap as my previous insurance. But, like I said, thank the Lord that they are covered. I know that is more than many have and I am grateful. Because $80 for a cycle's worth of Follistim is a heck of a lot better than $2,500. But paying for injectables is not my biggest worry. In two years, I had two laparoscopies to remove polyps from my uterus. The second lap found Stage II endo as well. My previous insurance had excellent coverage for outpatient surgery -- $150 copay; everything all inclusive. Our new coverage is different. Instead of a set copay, they cover a percentage. 90% if I remember right. And, again, if I remember right, my laps cost somewhere in the realm of $25k. 10% of $25,000 is $2,500. Which is a far cry from the $150 we paid before. :-/ Perhaps I'll get lucky and not need another lap. But I'm not very optimistic.

I'd better lie down now and let the Midrin work its magic so I can get started on my housework. Being a house elf isn't half bad. :) I look forward to the day when I have a baby to look after as well as a husband, Mom, five cats, and a dog. Life will be a little more complete, I think. But for now, things feel a bit more right than they did living in a garage. I am most definitely appreciative for central air conditioning. OH YES.

woe is Auntie Wissa...

It has become a traditon for the past... I don't know how many years now... for me to bake and decorate birthday cakes for pretty much everyone in the family. For the adults, it's pretty much "what flavor do you want?" But for the kids, I get specifics and I get creative. Or, I try anyway. For Madison's second birthday last year, I was adamant about making her cake into the shape of a '2'. And I did. And for an amateur, I think I did a pretty darn good job!



I've collected some Wilton cake tools to help me better my "skills" along the way. To minimize my frustrations and to amp up my pride a bit. It does boost the ego to see the kids' faces light up.

When my niece Dede saw what I did with Madison's 2nd birthday cake, she immediately began thinking about what she wanted for her 12th birthday cake in June. Which, at the time, wasn't for another seven months. It wasn't long after that she told me that she wanted a rainbow cake. My wheels have been spinning ever since.

So it burst my bubble when I found out that they are going to visit BIL's parents from the 7th through the 21st. Dede's birthday is the 19th. I know that doesn't mean I can't bake her a cake but I can't help but feel a little deflated. BIL's parents are well off with an extravagant house and the like. They'll most likely treat her to whatever gift(s) she wants. She'll probably have the 12th birthday party of a lifetime. A silly rainbow birthday cake will probably be 'whoopity doo' in comparison. Maybe I should talk to my sister about doing something the weekend beforehand. The tiny voice inside my head screams that my BIL picked these dates out of spite. I can count on one hand how many of my nieces' and nephews' birthdays I've missed collectively. And those were due to a significant geographical difference or, you know, something like this.

I know, I know. Pity party for Liss. But they are the closest things I have to children of my own. Of course I'm going to be a little greedy/possessive/selfish over them. [sigh] I guess I should go back to Kindergarten and relearn how to share.

In the meantime, I am imagining something like this. I even considered buying a star-shaped cake pan. Because stars = YAY.

adjustments

The adjustment period of moving into my mom's has been relatively easy. in fact, I don't really feel like there's been much of an adjustment at all. After the initial shock of having to move and all the change, I think maybe the fit is just right. I miss the kids but at the same time I don't miss being around 24/7. One of the luxaries of being an aunt is being able to enjoy your nieces and nephews without feeling too much like a parent. The past two years have not been like that. The Monkey and I have been more like second parents than an aunt and uncle. We shared in the responsibility of doling out discipline, helping with school work, and plenty of other parenting duties. It's not that either of us minded, but it really affected the dynamics of our relationship with the kids. I want that to change. I don't want them to look at us so much as second parents anymore. I want to be Auntie Lissa and Uncle Monkey again. And while I don't want them to lose respect for us or think that we won't discipline them if we need to, I want them to think of us more as the ones they come see when they want to be... you know, spoiled.

You'd think with my BIL having gotten his way his attitude would have changed a bit. Yeah, not a chance. This weekend we rented a U-Haul to move our stuff into a different storage unit and get the majority of our things out of Michele's. The Monkey's brother came over and helped and we knocked it out in like three hours. While we were at Michele's, The Monkey and and his brother pretty much had to tackle all the big stuff by themselves. So rather than sit out in the heat, I retreated into the house to talk to my sister and meet my nephew's new (tattooed and pierced!) GF. It was crazy hot on Saturday. Even though we got started early, it was already well into the upper 80s by the time we got to my sister's. So when I went into the house I went into the kitchen cabinet and got a cup and helped myself to some icewater from the fridge. Whoever had ice before me had put it on crushed. I don't care for crushed ice so I switched it to cubes. Still, when I pushed the lever, the fridge spewed out some crushed ice first. Some missed my cup and a few bits landed on the floor. Oops. I picked up the bigger pieces but I wasn't overly concerned about hunting down ice on the linoleum kitchen floor. I mean, really. If I'd spilled Kool-Aid or iced tea or soda or even a large amount of water I would have mopped it up diligently, but a few pieces of crushed ice? Give me a break. I went to the living room and sat down to talk to my sister and my nephew. While my sister was engaged in a conversation with Becca, my nephew's girlfriend, I hear my BIL in the other room make some off-hand remark about "damn ice on the floor" in the kitchen. Oh. My. Freaking. God. Are you serious? Like this doesn't happen a zillion times a day with the kids! Mostly I thought it was funny because I knew he was trying to get to me. But here's the thing. He can pick at me all he wants. He can try to make me grovel at his feet for "all he did for me" until the day he dies. Until he acknowledges that HE benefited from The Monkey and me living there as much as we benefited from living there I have no reason to thank him. I have given thanks where thanks is due and that is to my sister. He is not going to stop me from coming around to see her or the kids. I don't give a damn what he does. I still have a key to the house because my sister told me to keep it. I will not relinquish it until she asks me to and he will not make me feel bad about using it whenever I damn well feel like it. I have a good mind to remind him off all the hell he put her and his children through over the past two years. I can't imagine what it would have been like for them had The Monkey and I not been there. All those nights my sister sat up and cried. The nights the kids came running to the garage during their screaming fights. So, whatever. I told my sister that she and those kids are HALF MINE too and he's just going to have to get used to it. And that's that.

In spite of everything, I really like being here at my mom's. It feels so much more permanent. So much more like home. I spent all day Friday hanging and rearranging and organizing all of my mom's clothes. This may sound like an easy task but the woman has more clothes than you can imagine. Enough that she fills FOUR closets. And this is after downsizing. Um, that's not including dressers. Or other folded clothes. Like t-shirts, tank tops, sweaters, and jeans. What can I say, the woman likes her variety. Aside from the throbbing pain I had in my neck afterwards, I mostly enjoyed myself. When my mom got home from work, she literally started crying. She's so adorable. I really don't think she ever thought it would get finishd. I kept telling her it would! I try to keep myself busy because the house is so quiet and empty during the day and that gets pretty lonely. Well, it's empty except for the five cats and the dog. That's pretty exciting. Which is kind of silly because we had five cats and a dog at Michele's. But our cats were trapped inside a box. Now all of our animals are together. We have four girls and two boys. The Chihuahua, Frankie, is my little side kick. He pretty much follows me around all day long. We're working on getting him fully house trained which is a bit of a pain. Little dog, little brain and all that. Most days he does pretty well; especially when I take him out regularly. I bought him a leash and harness to take him on walks but the little spaz reacted badly to being on a leash. (He basically freaked out and cowered and refused to move.) So there goes that idea. The cats are pretty hilarious. My boy (whose official name is William but answers to Fat Cat, Fat Boy, and Little Kitty) thinks he's a pimp. He's taken to chasing all four girls around the house at random which really pisses them off. Especially my mom's two, Muffin and Cupcake. Olivia is really happy. I honestly think she was starting to get cabin fever. She was starting to act really strange at Michele's. Jasmine has taken up residence in my mom's room. Which has also pissed my mom's cats off because that was their spot. There's something really endearing about waking up at 2:30 in the morning (which I've been sadly doing quite a lot) and finding a different sleeping cat on each of the sofas.

I have three active pills left in my pack of birth control. I'm considering going out on payday to buy a new basal body thermometer and starting up charting again. I need to start my essay for the IVF sponsorship or at least start jotting down my ideas. I'm going to need to schedule bloodwork and my yearly with my RE soon. I'm pretty sure I need a new prescription for my Synthroid. And I suppose we can talk about getting back on the TTC rollercoaster. I'm looking at starting off very slow. I think I just want to chart for now. Maybe see if my cycles are even remotely regular and if I'm ovulating on my own at all. That's probably the logical first step anyhow even though this raging case of baby fever I have wants me to being doing an IUI cycle yesterday. Must focus on more important things. Must focus on The Monkey's health. Must focus on losing some more weight (198 as of today, by the way). Must do what is necessary to better our financial situation (which is looking more and more like my filing bankruptcy). But, in the meantime, it will at least be nice to get out of this incredibly long holding pattern.

So it goes, so it goes.

new year, yada yada

The holidays commenced with mostly a minimal amount of madness this year. Christmas was a bit of a let down. Even though I thought that I'd mentally prepared myself to spend the holiday just The Monkey and me, it turned out to be very difficult. I spent a good deal of Christmas Eve night and Christmas day crying. Er...sobbing. Boo hoo. I don't think it would've been quite so depressing if The Monkey hadn't had a sudden recurrance of his sciatica. It was so bad that he was incapacitated. Eventually I convinced him (and myself) that he needed medical attention. We drove out to the medical center (which is about 45 minutes away) to the ER. We chose to do this instead of going to our local hospital because we know the type of ER care our hospital gives and it's NOT what we were looking for. As it turned out, however, we wasted the extra money in gas because the medical center was just as bad! If not worse. The on call doctor refused to call the on call MRI staff (seeing as how it was Christmas and all) and sent The Monkey home with NO medication. He got three shots in the butt before he left: a steroid, a pain killer, and a muscle relaxer. But that wasn't after the on call ER doc practically drilled him about his prescription drug use. (She was very accusatory with her line of questioning asking him how often our GP prescribes him Lortab for pain; how often he takes it... blah blah blah.) The Monkey was being very polite until I jumped in and told her very sternly that the prescription he was currently taking for pain was nearly a year old and that he almost NEVER takes pain killers if he can help it. It would be one thing if he even looked a little like he was faking it. But, I'm sorry, you can NOT "fake" a significant rise in BP (like 20+ points) or a crazy fast heart rate. He was in a LOT of pain! At any rate, the medication they gave him either did him some good or the rest and massages and stretching we did at home did him some good. Either way, on the 26th he was completely mobile again. He isn't in pain anymore, so to speak. His back no longer hurts and neither does his butt or his leg; but his calf and parts of his right foot are tingly/numb. We know it's a low back nerve issue. We are working on getting him setup for an MRI.

So, yeah, Christmas pretty much sucked. But it's just another day on the calendar, right? I certainly can't let one day (regardless of it's cultural or religious significance) ruin an entire year. 2009 certainly wasn't, by any means, a horrible year. It was full of some ups and downs (what year isn't??) but over all, I think it was pretty darn good.

2009 certainly ended well. The Monkey, as I said before, went from being incapacitated by pain on Christmas to being almost completely normal for New Year's Eve. My sister and family came home from their vacation early so they were all here for New Year's Eve as well. I have to say I was quite happy that they cut their vacation short. As selfish as that may sound! At any rate, we hung out over at my mom and dad's for th evening. We'd brought our X-Box and stuff over their house for Christmas Eve but didn't get to play it because we wound up staying at home. But we did play it on New Year's Eve and it was a lot of fun. I had a few Mike's Spiced Apple (YUM!!) and a couple of weak rum and Cokes. I can't really drink much alcohol these days. Not only do I not drink often so I've become quite the lightweight. Not to mention several of my daily medications interact with alcohol (read: I get drunker WAY faster) so just a few drinks does me in pretty quick. Which is actually kind of nice. I'm definitely a cheap bar date! Anyhow, we rang in the New Year playing pool and having a good time. We left shortly after midnight and came home to sleep.

Speaking of SLEEP... the most exciting part of 2009 happened on New Year's Eve. The Monkey and I actually slept together in the same bed all night!! We haven't slept in the same bed for three years because his snoring was just that bad. I finally bit the bullet and jumped through a dozen hoops to get him set up with a CPAP machine. The first night was horrific because his pressure setting was WAY too low and he felt like he was suffocating. But now that we have that fixed I don't even have to fight with him to put the darn thing on! We woke up early this weekend for our usual routine of cuddling and early morning nookie. Afterwards I fell back asleep. And he did as well. Imagine my surprise when I woke up and saw that he'd put his mask back on to do so! He can certainly tell the difference in how he feels. And WOW... so can I! He already has much more energy. He's been sitting down to play video games (both WoW and X-Box) without falling asleep during. I took more naps this weekend than he did! It has been absolutely incredible and I only wish we'd known years ago how good one of these machines would be for him! I have a feeling that he'll start losing weight easier now that his body is getting recouperative rest. We are both looking forward to being healthier and happier in 2010; even moreso than we were in 2009. (In fact, I've set my sights on a NEW weight loss goal. I lost a total of 33 pounds in 2009 -- about seven pounds short of my goal. My new goal for 2010 is to lose at least another 30. Definitely more if I can manage!)

So alls well that ends well. Now I'm going to go crawl into bed with my husband and go to sleep.

holiday cheer

I am ready for Christmas. Well except for buying the kids' gifts. But they won't be back until New Year's Eve at the earliest so I have a couple of extra days. Otherwise I am completely ready. Tomorrow night we are going to take the X-Box over to my parents' house and probably rent The Beatles Rock Band. I have a quart of Dairy Fresh Eggnog in the fridge and will be going to ABC Liquors to get a bottle of spiced rum to add to it. I am also going to make some more mulled wine (my mom LOVED it) and I have a six pack of Mike's Spice Apple as well. Good times are sure to be had.

Life is pretty unspectacular and good all at the same time. We still have yet to put things back together after our recent flooding but we're not going to worry about it until this weekend. It's supposed to rain tomorrow and I would hate to put everything back together tomorrow only to have to tear it back apart again. Since we had to get rid of all the carpeting all we have is a bare concrete floor. Which, granted, might be nice in the summer time but not so much in the winter. We're going to check Lowe's and a few other flooring stores for scrap carpet. We are not doing wall-to-wall this time because that has proved to be a serious hassle.

My very last car payment is due on January 2nd. I cannot even begin to express how happy I am about this! Then The Monkey's last payment is in February. So we'll officially OWN two cars! w00t w00t! One of these days we're going to have to look at getting The Monkey's bumper fixed. (A friend was rear-ended in Panama City back in November 2005. We got the settlement money and, uh, spent it on other things. Seeing how it was November we probably spent it on Christmas. :P)

During the month of October I managed to gain a good eight pounds. I was back up to 217! Thankfully that weight has slowly but surely come off over the past two months. Now I am down to my lowest in years... 207!! If anyone has any ideas for me to drop seven pounds in about a week I would love to hear it. :P (I'm not really considering trying this. I expect that I'll actually gain a few pounds over Christmas and New Years since I plan on drinking.) But seeing as how I'm less than 10 pounds from meeting my weight loss goal for 2009 I won't beat myself up too much!

Having this big ol' house to ourselves is a bit strange. Definitely lonely without my sister and the kiddos. But the quiet is kind of nice. Who doesn't enjoy a bit of peace and quiet once in a while after all?? (Well as peacful and quiet as it can be with five cats and a dog in the house!)

And now I am going to go get dressed and head out to get my eyebrows waxed. Then I will come back home and do my makeup. Trying to figure out what to make for supper. A pot roast sounds good. But, then again, so does meatloaf. Decisions decisions...

this is what happens

When depression hits as hard as it has in the past month, things stop getting done. Important things like laundry and scooping the litter boxes. There have been a couple days where I've realized late in the afternoon (sometimes the evening) that I've forgotten to feed the cats.

For the past two weeks The Monkey has had to scrounge for work clothes. I did wash and dry all of the clothes last weekend but I didn't really fold them. And I certainly didn't put anything away (who could be bothered??). So my poor Monkey has had to deal with ironing this week. (Normally he can toss his khakis and a polo into the dryer for a few minutes to "dewrinkle" them.) And searching through heaps of clothes for two matching socks and clean underwear.

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

And so today, the guilt has overtaken the depression momentarily. I've decided that today, I will finish the laundry if it kills me. I will scoop the litter boxes. I will vaccuum and take out the trash. I draw the line at making the bed, though. Pshaw. (And I did remember to feed and water the cats this morning; just so we're clear that I'm not starving my furbabies to death.)

In the mean time, I am babysitting my niece. It's kind of incredible that she is already turning TWO this month. She's a good girl (albeit very spoiled and sometimes rotten). I have to bribe her to get kisses and sometimes she is flat out mean to me for no reason at all. But I guess that's just a toddler for you. My oldest niece was the same way at this age. My nephews, on the other hand, were always loveable to me. So it must be a girl thing.

My whacked out hormones combined with my depression-fueled over eating has caused me to pack on a good 10 pounds. My new jeans are snug. My muffin top is harder to conceal. My face is a LOT fuller. I really and truly need to get back on track with losing weight. I still have two months to meet my resolution/weight loss goal for 2009. I'm toying with the idea of signing us up for Weight Watchers while we still have Cigna insurance. (Cigna offers a discount on Weight Watchers but on January 1st our insurance changes to Blue Cross Blue Shield.) The Monkey is on board for it as long as we don't, you know, fork out the money and then diet for a week or two and quit. Perhaps I'll do some research today in between loads of laundry.

I haven't cooked supper in weeks. So yesterday I went and picked up all of the ingredients to make Philly Cheese Steaks and Tater Tots. We'll see if my Yankee blood shines through.

quoth the raven

Today it was absolutely GORGEOUS out. Mid-70s, sunny, breezy. No humidity to speak of, really. I love this weather. The weatherman says it is supposed to stay this way all through next week. I really hope he is right!

I've been toying with the idea of dying my hair. Since the color on top faded into a brassy red. (This is why I stopped loving red. I simply can't afford to keep it up.) Since the color underneath is a dark brown, almost black, I was considering trying out black. But I was scared to go with permanent dye. So I tried some semi-permanent Manic Panic dye today in Raven. It turned out nice! Now I just have to see how quickly it washes out/fades. Hoping it lasts through Sunday! If not, I have another jar and hopefully can convince my sister to touch it up for me. ;P

adventures with falsies!

I've been contemplating makeup possibilities for the concert. I mean, when I "dress up" I really like to coordinate things. Oh who am I kidding... you all know me well enough that I LOVE to coordinate even when I'm not dressing up. But special occasions (especially ones so far in advance) allow me the opportunity to experiment and play. Mostly I've been playing with grays with hints of black. But it just hasn't seemed...sharp enough for a heavy metal concert. Even the smokey look seems a bit too tame (if you can believe that). So I decided to throw my inhibition to the wind and experiment with dark, heavy grays and black liner. Also, since dark colors on my lids tend to mask the fact that I actually do have eyelashes, I am going to try out some falsies. Heh.

Tonight I came up with this kind of on a whim. It looks okay, I guess. Definitely closer to what I'm aiming for.



I really dig the false eyelashes. I didn't actually apply them with glue yet, but they fit my eyes perfectly and didn't feel strange at all. If these work out, I think I might try some with glitter.

Tomorrow I am going to try this look:



I really like how she went "outside the box" and put dark in the corners of her eyes and left the middle of her lid neutral. We'll see how I do.

(And just so I don't look like a thief, I found the tutorial here. She is speaking German, though. Too bad I didn't, you know, learn more German while I was living in Germany for 11 years. Oh the shame!)

living in the moment

I have a bad, bad tendency to live my life in moments. Not little, insignifcant moments but BIG and potentially life altering moments. Everything in between becomes dismissable. Which is a shame because life isn't always about the BIG moments.

I think this is why I don't write as much anymore. I don't really have anything to say unless something exciting is going on. And even then I find it difficult to write because I get so caught up that I sort of get lost for words.

The holidays are coming up. I am sad to think that we may truly have to hide under a rock. Or run away. So people don't buy us gifts and we aren't expected to buy anyone else gifts. Last year we didn't have the money but we had the credit and that is what we used. But as it stands, every single solitary credit card we have is maxed out. Or nearly maxed out. It's a very uncomfortable feeling. I miss the days when I was absolutely TERRIFIED of credit cards. I miss the days where I was totally and completely 100% debt free. Now I'm barely treading water with the credit cards. And my six month grace period on my student loans ends this month. Now I have to do a mad dash to call everyone and convince them that I am unable to pay my loans at this time and request a deferrment. Honestly, that's not the part that scares me. The part that scares me is the amount of interest $60,000 can accrue in a mere year's time. It almost makes me want to feign death. Does the government forgive student loan debt after you die? I am happy to say, however, that as of February 2010, we OWN two cars. Two cars that have been very reliable over the past five years. Let's hope they STAY that way.

I'm still finding it a bit hard to believe that another year is nearly over. I keep thinking of a former coworker that always used to tell me the older you get the quicker time seems to pass. I find that it becomes truer with every passing year. The Monkey and I are watching the kids for my sister this evening. They went to visit my sister's best friend in Georgia. (The family was there for a funeral and it's basically "right around the corner" so she went to show support.) Madison is growing up so quickly. It was getting close to her bedtime. She gave me a fit about putting clothes on (she, uh...likes being naked) but once she was in her jammies (which I tried to hype up as much as possible since they were new big girl jammies) she was fine. I sat with her in the glider and started scrolling through all the pictures on my phone. I have quite a few of my sister on there and every time we came to one I said "Who's that?" and she'd grin really big and say "Dada!" I couldn't help but laugh and say "No, that's MomMom." Then we'd come across a picture of me and she'd say "Oh! MomMom!" Once again, laughter and then correction. (She also called a picture of her Aunt Desirée 'MomMom' too.) I also have quite a few pictures of her in there. I came across one I took when I first got my phone (in late January) and was kind of amazed how much she's changed. And my GOSH how much hair she's gotten! I looked at a picture of her when she was about six months old she was SO bald. And she pretty much stayed that way until she was well over a year. But now.. it seems her hair is growing like wild fire. I kept brushing it out of her eyes to no avail. She needs a "pretties" in her hair to keep it out of her face but it's quite a feat getting her to keep any kind of bow, barette, or rubberband in her hair. She is cute as a button, though. We still can't decide what color her eyes are. They are definitely NOT the crystal-clear blue that my nephews and niece all have. But they are not the distinct green that my sister has, either. I think she's going to have eyes like mine. The kind that change color. All of my identification has 'blue' as my eye color but anyone that looks me in the eye will tell me they are more green. Ever since my sister found out she was pregnant with my oldest nephew I wanted her to have a green-eyed little girl. Maybe she finally does.

I've been on birth control for nearly two months now. I can't say I'm loving it. Having PCOS means my body chemistry is bass ackwards. The majority of women gain weight on the pill -- I've always lost weight. But not so much this time around. I'd like to go back on Yasmin but all of the FDA warnings and the class action suits have me scared. I'd prefer not to have a heart attack or stroke or DVT, thanks very much. But man this birth control pill is horrendous. I seem to be retaining a tremendous amount of water. I've gained about eight pounds. (Okay, some of that can easily be attributed to my less-than-desirable eating habits while in Pennsylvania, but come on already!) But I think the worst part of it has been the headaches and the incessantly aching BOOBS. I have never experienced this sort of soreness in the twins. EVER. They hurt so much that I sometimes flinch when The Monkey...uh...goes to play with them. :P It's ridiculous. The one good thing I have to say is my skin. Oh MAN does my skin look fabulous! I still have the stray pimple here and there (in fact, I'm nursing one on my chin at the moment) but the horrendous breakouts that I was having are a non-issue since I started taking the pill. It didn't even take a full pack to see the positive effects! So I'm kind of on the fence about the whole thing. I'm supposed to go back and see my RE to have all my levels rechecked and such. I think I'll talk to the nurse about a different type or brand.

I've taken a recent interest in serious cooking. I've been experimenting with a few of Alton Brown's recipes. I'm planning on trying out his Carrot Cake recipe for The Monkey's birthday cake. (Did you know that Carrot Cake is really more of a muffin than a cake? If not, now you do, and you should totally feel compelled to now have a slice of Carrot Cake for breakfast completely and totally guilt free.) Speaking of Pumpkin... oh... wait. Well, whatever. I'm craving a Pumpkin Spice Latte like crazy! I could get my "fix" right here at home if International Delights and Coffeemate would hurry up and flood the stores with the holiday creamers! Mmm... Gingerbread and Pumpkin Pie.

I feel a little better now. Having put some words to "paper" and have them actually make some sort of sense. And have them be about the more mundane aspects of my life rather than the BIG moments. One of these days I will take the time to resize and upload all of my pictures from our trip to Pennsylvania. I have a lovely one of my mom, dad, stepmom, brothers, sisters, and me together for the first time that I really need to post. But part of me feels obligated to explain why that picture is so incredibly special. I hardly speak of my childhood -- mostly because I don't remember much -- but at the very least I feel the need to explain how my family wound up the way it is.

The next "BIG MOMENT" in my life is the Metallica concert. I've never actually been to a concert. (Well, okay, I'll fess up to having been to a New Kids on the Block concert at age 10. Hey, it was sponsored by our church congregation. This is one of the funny things about my memory. I have almost no recollection of the concert itself. The one thing I do remember is when the pastor asked me in front of the entire church congregation what my favorite band was I instictively replied "New Kids on the Block" even though, at the time, my favorite band had to be Guns -N- Roses. Heh. Once a rocker, always a rocker, I guess.) The Metallica concert has me filled the brim with excitement. I've even had a few dreams about it. One I refuse to go into detail about because...er...it might make my husband jealous. And I would hate to see him have a change of heart about his favorite band of all time. The most recent was last night. I fell asleep listening to my iPod -- Metallica, of course -- and it lead to a dream about the actual concert. But just as it started to get good (I was making my way towards the stage) I was somehow back at home on the couch. And The Monkey walked in the door and started talking to me and all I could hear was LOUD music playing. Silly me...suddenly I remembered my earbuds and removed them. But I still couldn't hear what The Monkey was saying! I immediately started crying and panicking over losing my hearing because of a rock concert. Then I woke up. To loud music playing in my ears (No Leaf Clover). I pulled my actual earbuds out of my ears and was relieved that I could still hear. Oddly enough, The Monkey walked in the door right at that time, practically mirroring my dream. [Cue theme to The Twilight Zone]

Buying concert tickets is no easy task. Or, it wasn't for me. Why didn't anyone warn me about Service Fees?? I got all excited over a pair of tickets that were going to cost us $200 for damn good seats only to find out after I went to purchase them that with Service Fees and shipping it was going to cost $300. Eh. I wound up getting some really excellent seats (which I believe I posted about previously). Second [seated] row. Definitely not too shabby. Finding a hotel wasn't much easier. I was agonizing over a cheap hotel and driving to the arena and paying for parking or getting a hotel close to a MARTA stop so we'd only have to pay $8.00 for transportation to and from the arena. Ultimately, the fact that I am a big fat wussy made the decision for me. I booked a hotel near Hartfield Airport. It was relatively inexpensive. We won't have to venture into the city of Atlanta until we absolutely have to. It had excellent customer ratings. And it's only 12ish miles from Philips Arena. (After doing some reading, I decided that I did NOT want to be on public transit at 1:00 AM basically broadcasting TOURIST to every passerby. Especially since we wouldn't be able to carry anything defensive like mace. They don't allow those sorts of things in the concert venue.) I also wasn't keen on either walking to/from the hotel to/from the nearest MARTA station OR parking my car at the free lot at a MARTA station where it would be, for many hours, unattended and quite vulnerable. It would be my luck that some asshole would try to break in it or something. I hate the thought of the $20 parking fee for the garage at CNN Center but I guess it's a small price to pay for peace of mind.

And now that all of the important major details are in order, I can worry about the silly stuff. Like what to wear and how to do my makeup. And whether I or not I want to bring my camera (on which I have NOT mastered the night setting) or borrow my mom's or sister's. And if I do decide to borrow, will I need to look at possibly purchasing an extra memory card. (I would like to take a video clip or two.) Decisions, decisions. Right now the, uh, wardrobe and makeup are taking precedence. I know for sure it's going to be a 'jeans and t-shirt' kind of thing but my problem is what jeans and what shirt. But hey, I have three weeks to think about it, right?

the good, the bad, and the beautified

It has been a HECTIC week. A week full of uncertainty and potential disaster.

It started last Friday evening when The Monkey came home from work doubled over. Kidney stone. It required a visit to the ER, copious IV painkillers, a CT scan, and labs. The stone was only 1 - 2mm in diameter so they sent him home all doped up and told him to come back if the excruciating pain returned and to follow up with a urologist. If/when he passed the stone, he did so without knowing it because he stopped straining his urine on Monday when he went back to work. But he hasn't had any further pain so we're confident that everything is okay. He still needs to see a urologist, though. He was on a medication called Urocit a couple of years ago to help prevent stone formation. We've been together for six years. This is the fourth stone he's had in that time. Poor guy!

So Friday night was boring. He was completely zonked and wound up falling asleep during the movie we tried to watch.

Saturday we got up early to get the house nice and tidy for my sister's return. I wanted to vacuum and straighten up and make sure the bathroom and everything was nice and clean. The Monkey was in a little bit of pain so he decided to go to Walgreens and fill his prescriptions (one for Flomax and one for Lortab 10). When he got back he told me that he couldn't get my car to start. WTF?! So I called my dad and he came over and gave my silver bullet a once over. He couldn't find the problem. He said it was most likely the camshaft sensor or the main computer. (The engine was turning over but it wouldn't start.) I was HIGHLY frazzled. Thankful, of course, that we have two vehicles and we'd still have transportation, but UPSET nonetheless. On Sunday we had dinner with my parents and my dad told me to go to AutoZone on Monday and get them to print out a diagram and instructions on how to remove/replace the camshaft sensor. Since The Monkey has an engine identical to mine, we could swap his and see if that was, indeed, the issue.

Thankfully it didn't even go that far. Upon much Googling, I discovered a message board for Alero owners. Someone had posted the same exact problem that I was having. Four of the five replies told the original poster to check their passlock. The passlock is an anti-theft device. When you put your key in the ignition, magnets align in a certain way and, provided it is the correct key and forms the correct alignment, the ignition switch sends a message to the onboard computer which then sends a message to your engine that says "fire fuel injectors". If someone tries to steal the car the passlock mechanism tells the computer to NOT tell the engine to fire the fuel injectors. No fuel, no start. And once the mechanism is tripped, the car won't start no matter how many times you try. Thankfully one of the people on the message boards had a fix. They said to leave the key in the ignition with the ignition switch turned to "On" and to leave it alone for at least 10 minutes. So I did just that, keeping my fingers crossed the whole time. When I finally went back out to my car the "SECURITY" light that had been flashing was out. I pulled the key out and then put it back in and cranked my car. It started right up!! I haven't had a problem with it starting since. Hooray!

But the car drama didn't end there. On Wednesday evening The Monkey and I were driving to Walmart and my check engine light popped on. I cursed a few times then said we were going over to my dad's promptly to find out what code was making the light come on. P0455, as it turns out which means there is an Evaporation Emissions Control System leak. In parantheses it said "Gross Leak" and I was prepared for the worst. Thankfully, once again, the issue didn't seem to be anything serious at all. My owner's manual said to delete the error code and tighten the gas cap. If the light came back on, there was a problem (which may be no more serious than needing a new gas cap). If it didn't come back on (which it hasn't) then it was most likely due to the gas cap being loose. Another bullet dodged.

But, alas, the car drama still doesn't end there! Yesterday I drove out to Birmingham for my RE appointment (more on that in a moment). It was a hellatious drive and one that I haven't made in a long time. It probably wouldn't have been so terrible if it weren't for all the road work. I hit some form or another on every major highway. I hit it twice on I-65 -- once in Montgomery and then again on the outskirts of Birmingham. Anyway, the ride was mostly uneventful, just a little longer than I'm used to. The way home was rough. I was tired and I hit a couple of storms so there were a couple of times where I had to do about 35 into 70. I left Birmingham around 3:00 and I didn't get back into town until almost 7:00. (Normally this drive takes me just under three hours.) I immediately went to our local Walgreens to pick up my prescriptions. When I turned into the parking lot my BRAKE warning light came on. And then, almost as quickly went back out. I pulled into a parking spot and pulled my hand brake. The light came on (as expected) and then went out when I released the brake. I thought it was a fluke until I turned into Arby's and the same thing happened. And then again when I turned onto a street in our neighborhood. And then again when I pulled into the driveway. The light didn't stay on, though. It was coming on and staying lit for 20 - 30 seconds and then going out. I immediately thought about the $650 brake job I had done a month ago. My front brakes are all brand new and my rear drums were cleaned and adjusted. The last thing I should be having problems with are my freaking brakes! Especially since I've only driven about 800 miles since they were changed and 400 of that was yesterday! Anyway, I called my dad this morning and asked him if my brake fluid could be low. He said it would absolutely cause the problem but just filling it with brake fluid wouldn't solve the underlying problem. Brake systems are self contained. You should rarely, if ever, have to add brake fluid to the resevoir. If you do, there is a leak somewhere. Just. Freaking. Fantastic. So, sure enough, when he opened the fluid resevoir it wasn't just low it was EMPTY. Like seriously BONE DRY. So my dad, after chastising me for taking my car to "amateur mechanics" instead of him, took a look at my calipers and brake lines. Sure enough, the lines were leaking. I was furious to say the least. I told my dad I was taking it back to Expert Tire so they could fix the issue. It was, after all, an issue THEY caused. I've never had this problem before they did the brake job. My dad was afraid that they would call me a silly girl and tell me that the moisture I saw was simply due to the roads being wet from all the rain (nevermind the fact that the lines were perfectly dry except where the connections were) so he called them up before sending me over. They had me in and out in a half hour. Something about a bad O-ring, which they replaced. Nevertheless, I plan to keep an eye on my brake fluid levels. If it starts to go down, I'll be taking it back again. Only THIS time, I'll be bringing my dad, a veteran Army mechanic, along with me. :P

I have to say that my day started off pretty well, though. At my appointment yesterday they drew labs and then I had my annual exam. This morning they called back with the results which are as follows:

• TSH was above three. They like to see it below three and told me to keep taking the 50mcg of Synthroid as directed.


• Cholesterol was normal! A big shocker since PCOSers are predisposed to high cholesterol and I'm not exactly the ideal build.


• CBC showed that my iron count was low. It should be 11.5 or higher and mine was 10.3. They stared me on iron supplements. I am not looking forward to the constipation.


• My pap cultures all came back normal. Hooray again!


• Last, but not least, my fasting insulin was an astounding 5.3!! My jaw hit the floor when she said that. I was totally prepared for it to be much higher than that! For reference sake, when I was first diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance in 2006 my level was above 24. After my first month on metformin it dropped to 12. In two subsequent labs it was 10 and then later on 14. So it has NEVER been this low! She said it was an excellent level. I am not sure how skewed this result might be. Your supposed to be fasting for 8 - 12 hours before they draw blood. I didn't have anything to eat after 8:00 PM on the 29th and they didn't draw the blood for the labs until 1:00 PM on the 30th. Even still, I imagine it couldn't have been too much higher. I'm to continue taking 1500mg of metformin daily. I specifically asked for the immediate release instead of the extended release which they had no problem with.

I started my Synthroid today. The effects on my appetite were incredible. I had to force myself to eat lunch. I have to take it on an empty stomach and am not supposed to eat for at least a half hour afterwards. I wound up being so caught up in getting ready for my busy day that it was nearly 11:00 before I ate anything. I started to feel woozy and scarfed down a sandwich. But every time I thought about eating a bagel or something it just didn't sound appealing. Which is really different since that's what I've been having for breakfast for a couple of weeks now. A cinnamon bagel with cinnamon swirl cream cheese. Or a blueberry bagel with strawberry and cheesecake flavored cream cheese. [drool] I was pretty ravenous at dinner time so I need to make a point about eating smaller meals throughout the day. AF made a rather timely appearance and I'll be starting my birth control pills (Desogen) tonight as well. I'm really hoping this combo of meds will help make losing weight that much easier. My RE and the nurses were all astounded by my weight loss. I've lost 30 pounds since the beginning of the year. I had to make sure and emphasize that I'd gained about 40 pounds in 2008. :P Still, it was nice to get the pats on the back for my efforts and encouragement to keep going. I also found out that my sister's scale is DEAD ON accurate. I weighed myself before I left (being sure to have my clothes on) and I weighed the same amount at the doctor's office.

Today I had a semi-busy day. I had to go to the DMV to register our cars. Today was the last day to do it without the $15 per vehicle penalty. The line was pretty long but the wait wasn't bad at all. Unfortunately, I wish I'd driven out to Dale county to reregister them instead of doing it in Coffee because we wound up having to pay an extra $25 for city tax or something. I could've saved money even though I would've had to drive 28 miles. [shrug] It's just as well, though. Then I took my car to Expert Tire. And then I headed to my stylist to have my hair done. Which, I must say, turned out positively fabulous as usual!



A view from the front.



A view from the back to show the contrasting colors of the top layers vs. the bottom layers.

It's a bit different from the colors I did in March. The bottom layers are the same dark, almost black brown. But the top is much more red than it was in March. Which means it won't fade out quite as nicely but that's okay. Now I'm all set up for portraits when we go up north!

We are leaving here at midnight on the 3rd (well, technically, the 4th). The drive is going to take an estimated 17 hours. I'm wishing I could get a hold of a really GOOD radar detector to cut down our travel time, though. I need to procure a car charger for my iPod so I have some form of entertainment. Reading is out of the question as I get motion sickness quite easily. I wish we could take my sister's Suburban because it's fully loaded, DVD player and TV included. But we won't all fit so we're taking my mom's Trailblazer instead. Only three more days to go! I'm very excited to see everyone! Even if I didn't quite meet my weight loss goal.

And now to go lie down and relax and hopefully pass out after my full day.

I have the cutest niece EVER.

So, we just finished eating supper and we were all hanging out in the living room chit-chatting. My niece, Madison, was walking around playing with a little flashlight. She was pointing it at the ceiling and nearly falling over backward to look at the spot of light. Hilarious! Then my oldest nephew, Raymond, started flipping through some music on his cell phone. When he put on King Nothing by Metallica Madison (who is all of 19 months old) started mimicking my nephew who was, of course, headbanging. And because she's such a ham, when we started laughing at her she kept doing it. I think my sister caught it on video. If she did, prepare to be overloaded by CUTE.

She is DEFINITELY a child after my own heart. [happy sigh] My little rocker in the making. :D

seriously??

For the past week I've been losing a straining battle with my skin. I am most certainly experiencing one of the worst breakouts that I can remember. Certainly one of the worst since I stopped Lithium (which is known to cause skin issues). I chocked it up to being hormonal because it started just before AF made a grand entrance. But instead of steadily getting better it has steadily gotten worse.

I hate when my skin breaks out even a little bit. This is atrocious. I look like I have a freakish bumpy skin rash. (These aren't the kind of pimples that come to a head and can be easily disposed of with a warm wash cloth. These are horrible, painful cyst-like bumps that take FOREVER to go away!)

Perplexed and frustrated, I went to Walgreens to pick up something, anything that might help end the breakout that is making me feel like an overly hormonal teenager. I found a system that looked promising and as I was examining active ingredients I thought about the new Clean & Clear cleanser that I'd bought a couple of weeks ago when I ran out of my other cleanser. (Stupid me, I'm always looking for a skin-miracle-in-a-bottle and try new things every now and again.) When I looked back at the timing of the breakout the only thing that had really changed was my switching to this cleanser. So while I was still looking in Walgreens I picked up the very same cleanser and checked the ingredients...

Can someone please give me a logical explanation as to why Clean & Clear decided to put MINERAL OIL and PETROLATUM (aka Vasoline) into an acne treatment?!? Since when does slathering your face with additional OIL help clear up acne??? I am SO furious. Because a) I was stupid enough to buy the cleanser without checking the ingredient list and b) Clean & Clear was stupid enough to put OIL in their acne wash!

From here on out, I am a Neutrogena girl. I will never, ever again buy another Clean & Clear product. In the mean time, I am covered in pimples. My face looks awful and I have these terribly painful bumps behind my ears. I even found a pimple on my earlobe. WTF?? Hopefully the stuff I bought today will help clear it up in a few days or, at most, a week.

In other news, I picked up my car from Expert Tire this afternoon. The final bill came to $654. It went on credit. UGH. The bright side of this is that my car has all new quality brakes, my 'change oil' light is no longer on, and it no longer veers slightly to the left. And, though I can't really tell right now because I don't drive long distances anymore, the 'shakes' associated with unbalanced tires are no more. So, am I glad I did it? Absolutely. Am I glad it set us back $654 and change? HELL NO! But, that's life, eh?