dear doctor: please tell me how to feel

I started therapy about two months ago. So far, I've only gone to three sessions. The first session was a huge success. I went in with a huge weight on my shoulder - lots of tears and confessions later, I emerged feeling much better. Plus I like my therapist so much better than I like my pdoc. At any rate, Blue Cross Blue Shield makes any EPS therapist outline a "treatment plan" basically going over what the problem is and what we're going to do to solve it. It feels weird because not all of my issues revolve around TTC and infertility. But that's our main concern -- to get me pregnant and keep me sane while pregnant and off meds.

Being off meds just plain sucks. Especially now that I finally found a combo that makes me happy. Topamax + Abilify + Prozac + Wellbutrin = A Well Balanced Lissa. Prozac and Wellbutrin are fairly well tested/tried during pregnancy. And yes, I will continue to take them while pregnant. I wrestled with that decision for a very long time and I've come to realize that feeling suicidal and/or depressed while pregnant will be a lot worse for me and my child than a little Prozac/Wellbutrin cocktail. But Prozac and Wellbutrin are not what helped me. That was the Topamax and the Abilify. Topamax is not tested in pregnancy and neither is Abilify. The former is an anticonvulsant which are usually heavily contraindicated in pregnancy. The latter is an atypical antipsychotic which are also contraindicated in pregnancy. (Oh, and before you go 'eee gads an antipsychotic??" they are quite frequently used for mood stabilization. Yep, not just for the "real" crazies anymore.)

I don't like being so dependant on pills but I like being a sane individual. Without these meds I really bounce all over the place. 'Tis the nature of being "blessed" with rapid cycling bipolar disorder. I can go from suicidal to bubble master in 2.8 seconds when I'm off meds.

These two major feats in my life (TTC and being mentally interesting) really don't mix well at all. Certainly I'm not the first bipolar patient that has decided to discontinue medication in favor of pregnancy? Probably not, but being infertile and TTC and being mentally interesting and off meds... different story. Who knows how long it's going to take before Tony and I get pregnant and stay pregnant? There's really no telling.

In the mean time, my therapist is researching how to help bipolar patients that are off meds. I have another session next week and Tony is supposed to be going with me. You know, so he can learn my "triggers" and all that jazz when it comes to mood swings. I swear the man is still in denial that I'm mentally interesting at all. Never a dull moment with me.