down the rabbit hole I go

I'm depressed again. It's not as horrible as it was when I was off medication but it's still there and it's impairing my normal activities. I somehow forced myself to come to work today but I haven't done any actual work yet. I tried working on my homework but it's depressing when you don't understand something; especially when you plan to make a living out of doing it. Ugh.

I'm just so tired of these incessant cycles. I'm sick to death of the ups and downs. I'm tired of spending money in hopes that stuff will make me feel better. (It does, but only momentarily.) I constantly feel like I'm going crazy and this is when I'm on my meds. WTF is the point??

So so so so so tired. Restless and uneasy. Paranoid one moment, ambivalent the next. I want to attempt to put my hand through a brick wall! How can anyone tolerate this? How can I continue to live and function when I feel like I'm grasping for sanity at every turn?!

Angry. So freaking angry. There's no end to this downward spiral.

How do you tell someone that you don't want to die, exactly, but finding the motivation to live is becoming endlessly more difficult??

Therapy tomorrow. I am just going to let it all out. Fuck the consequences.