Confessions...

I have always been self destructive. It started at a very, very young age. At the time, I think I mostly wanted attention but eventually it grew beyond that. And now, here I sit, the fucked up adult that I am.

As I've gotten older I've progressively kicked most of my self-destructive habits. Self-injury was the first to go. For years I turned to the sting of a razorblade for comfort. Some people exercise, some people just cry, some people go to talk therapy, some people go off the deep end and shoot a dozen innocent people; for me, it was always a nice piece of sharpened steel that brought the inner calm that I tried desperately to cling to. Self-injury is so odd. People look at you like you're some crazy freak that needs to be locked up. I never saw it as any less self-destructive than being an alcoholic or a drug addict. After all, cut yourself open and your body releases endorphins. The best natural high there is. How is that different from taking in harmful substances to get a high or to shut your brain off for a while? Self-injury was my heroin.

The only other self-destructive behavior that has ever been significant in my life has been an eating disorder. [gasp!] At age 19, I returned to Germany quite a bit smaller than I had been when I left. Somewhere around 50 pounds smaller, in fact. Still, I wasn't small enough. (And really, I never have been. Even at my smallest (size 8/10, 150ish pounds) I still constantly looked in the mirror in disgust. This is the very nature of eating disorders, yes?) But it was at age 19, when I started working at my old High School cafeteria (yes, I am the biggest dropout cliché) I started eating bad food for lunch every day. Cookies for breakfast (and sometimes I took some home), french fries (drenched in cheese sauce and sometimes chili), pizza, fried chicken patties, white bread GALORE. (Looking back now I can't imagine WHY the school lunch program allows this trash to be fed to children!) I went back to drinking all sorts of soda, as well. It was bad all around. I felt horrible for doing it but it was cheap and readily available. It was then that I decided to try purging. I never considered it a problem because, after all, purging couldn't be much worse than the crap I was putting into my body. My logic was twisted, yes, but it's how I saw things. (I acknowledge that changing my eating habits would have been the ideal solution, but I simply couldn't stop eating all those horrible foods!) If I ate a salad for lunch I didn't feel the need to purge. After all, salads are healthy. But when I indulged in my craving for cheese fries and a Coke, my sorrows and guilt headed straight for the sewers. No one knew about it. By looking at me, you never would have guessed that I had an eating disorder of any variety. (I was relatively plump, after all.) I've never 100% admitted to anyone (except my BFF) that I had have an ED. Sometimes I don't even admit it to myself. "I don't have a problem! I can stop any time I want to!" The words of a true addict in denial.

At any rate, the problem waxed and waned over the years. I'd go through spurts where I wanted to throw up everything I ate and other times I'd throw up simply when I over ate or ate the wrong things. Sometimes I didn't even bother.

My last fasting insulin revealed that my metformin isn't working as efficiently as it once was. Or maybe I just haven't been eating as well as I should. (Option B, yes.) Regardless, the results not only prompted this hellatious break from trying to get pregnant but it also spawned more Google searches than you can begin to imagine. So this morning, I got to thinking about my past (and, to be perfectly honest, my present) and I Googled "bulimia and insulin resistance" and the results floored me. Studies have been done and experts have discovered a very probable link between bulimia and PCOS.

Bulimia is a mental disorder frequently associated with menstrual disturbances
and low estradiol levels although most bulimic women are of normal weight. Low
bone mass has also been reported in these women. Furthermore, increased androgen levels and polycystic ovaries (PCO) have been described in bulimic women. Little is known about the mechanisms of these hormonal disturbances and the role of sex hormones in the etiology of the disease has not been fully explored. Androgens
may promote bulimic behavior by influencing food craving or impulse control.

Now there's an interesting fact to chew on (haha.. pun not intended). I have both of those problems (cravings and especially impulse control). Not just with food, either. My shiny new eyeshadow collection can attest for my complete and total lack of impulse control.

So these are all things I am working on in therapy. Eee gads! Yes, I finally admitted to someone, a professional someone, that I have a binging/purging issue. So we were working on that but today we got to the root of my problem: it's not that I purge, it's the overeating part. That is where the root of my problem lies. Even further analysis would be my impulse control and need for instant gratification. I'm both glad and terrified to be working on these issues. It has been my way of life for years. It's going to be hard work.