but... I want to be happy

Still unable to pull myself out of this funk. It's more than a "funk" now, though. It's definitely full blown depression. Being depressed sucks the fun out of everything in life. Even things that I normally enjoy just don't seem as enjoyable.

I went to therapy yesterday and divulged everything to my therapist - including the suicidal thoughts/feelings and the handful of muscle relaxers. So why am I not inpatient? Well, I have years of experience and I know how to get out of these things. Basically she mad me commit to not hurting myself (or others) which I reluctantly agreed to. I did say that I couldn't guarantee anything, though.

I don't know what to do with myself.

it's happening again

After a couple of months of being very stable on meds it seems that they've pooped out on me. At least my anti-depressants have. :( I'm severely depressed. I spent the first three hours of my work day running to and from the bathroom so I could bawl my eyes out. My makeup looks horrid because of it. It's a good thing it's allergy season or someone might've suspected that something was up. My excuse for having teary, red eyes has been "allergies" all day long.

No one at work has any clue that I have a mental illness. Most of the time I'm good at hiding it. When I'm depressed (like I am now) I do have a tendency to miss work, though. I'm surprised I haven't been fired yet, especially after last week's fiasco.

This depression started right after surgery. I decided to call in on Monday because I was still hurting pretty bad and bleeding very heavily. Tuesday I woke up queasy and literally couldn't sit up long enough to put my makeup on. So I called in again. What should've been one extra day off turned into an entire week. :'( My boss was ticked and who could blame him? The reason I missed Wednesday and Thursday was because I blacked out about five or six times in that time period. Thursday I hit my head on the bathtub and now I have a bruise on my forehead. Lovely. I called in Friday because the doctor gave me orders to check into the hospital on Thursday. I didn't go. Everything has been such a trainwreck since my surgery and I don't know why.

Wednesday night I broke down in front of my Monkey after taking a handful of Xanaflex. I cried and cried and explained to him (or I tried, anyway) that while I was severely depressed and even suicidal, I didn't want to die. I know that doesn't make sense but it's how I feel. I want to live. I have plenty to live for! But the living part is just so damned hard when I'm this depressed. We even discussed putting me in a hospital for a while. I'm sure that would go over great at work. Sheah.

I don't understand my brain chemistry. It's so screwed up that I can't even be on TWO anti-depressants and still not get depressed. Lame, lame, lame!

So it's off to therapy I go tomorrow to discuss this depression crap. I'm sure she's going to look at me like I'm crazy (hahaha... no pun intended) when I tell her that I don't have a sound reason for being depressed. I'm worried about being hospitalized again. It's nearly to that point. I don't want to be hospitalized. Been there, done that. Twice. I'm scared either way. If I stay this depressed (or it gets worse) there's a chance that I may decide to take more than just a handful of Xanaflex. It wouldn't be my first OD. I'm a terrible hyper-medicator but I've only seriously OD'd twice in my life. Once on Restoril (a benzo like Xanax). Once on Ultram (pain killer). It takes a lot of pills to kill yourself, fortunately, and I never took quite enough. Just enough to probably fuck up my liver for a while and to make me seriously ill. (Well, with the Restoril I only slept for three or four days.)

I'm trying to talk this out... rationalize it all in my head. I'm trying to keep people that I love and that love me informed of my mood so they know what to watch for. I'm trying not to give in to my urges to self destruct but it's not an easy task. And it's a tough decision to go inpatient. I have work and school and a husband and it's not as easy as it was at @21 to get sent to a hospital for a week or so. There are more serious consequences now. (But what about the consequences of being suicidal?)

I really just don't know what to do.

post-lap update

So my surgery went well. The doctor found Stage II endo, though. :( I'm pretty bummed about having yet another stumbling block in our way. I mean, WTF? PCOS and IR isn't enough? Not ovulating isn't enough? Whatever. I'm so sick of TTC. Too bad I'm not ready to give up yet. [sigh]

Of course in light of my new diagnoses, two of my friends popped up pregnant. One I'm thrilled for because she's 37 and has severe endo herself. So it's a miracle that she came up pregnant so quickly. Of course this just makes me wonder that much more why we aren't parents yet. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not cut out for mommyhood. Maybe I'm too selfish or too sickly or too mentally ill.

For the past two days I've been passing out at random. Yesterday I hit my head on the bathtub. Good times, good times. So now I'm on house arrest. Can't drive, can't do much more than lay around. I've turned into a Nickelodeon addicted recluse. I gained weight from doing nothing all day. Figures. Plus I ate loads of comfort foods. Gaah!

My post-op appointment is Thursday. Thank GOD I have the day OFF. I don't think I could've handled a full week back after being out for 9 days.

be kind, rewind

Let's recap. In the past five years I have been through seemingly endless treatments. I've done rounds upon rounds of Clomid - no success. Then I started treatments with an RE of my very own (Dr. Honea) and was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and insulin resistance - something I knew I had long before I was officially diagnosed. Then I had my first of three HSGs at which time I was diagnosed with a blocked tube. Then I had a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy to remove polyps that were blocking said tube. Everything looked fine elsewhere. Two months later I experienced the most heartbreaking event of my life - the miscarriage of a baby I just knew I was meant to have. A year later we hadn't had any further success despite using stronger and more effective fertility drugs (injectables). Then I had my first of two SIS procedures, the second of which revealed the regrowth of the polyps I'd had removed just a short year ago. A week ago I had my annual physical at which time it came to light that I have hypothyroidism. Now I'm on Synthroid and Glucophage on top of my meds for bipolar disorder. Yesterday I had my second laparoscopy/hysteroscopy during which polyps were removed and a D&C was performed. My tubes are both open, which is a small victory, but they discovered Stage II endometriosis - another diagnosis to add to my ever growing list of diagnoses.

Five years. Five long years and I have nothing to show for it except a long, long list of diagnoses and procedures that I now have under my belt. And a gaping hole in my heart that my little Buttefly was supposed to fill.

I'm tired but I'm not ready to give up. I'm in pain but I have to remember it's going to be worth it. Someday.

I'm not sure how long it's going to be before we can start trying again. Probably at least one cycle. So that blows our chances for a 2008 baby. But I'm happy with the increased chances of a 2009 baby.

Post-op appointment is on the 27th. Hopefully we'll know more about our chances then.

another day in paradise

I decided to ask for tomorrow off and my boss was nice enough to give it to me. This is great! Not only does it mean a four day weekend but it also means I'll have time to finish my homework, straighten up the house, pack for Birmingham, and leave for Birmingham at a reasonable hour (RE: around 2:00). I can't believe my surgery is finally the day after tomorrow. I'm still excited but also starting to get a little nervous. I hope they are able to fix everything that needs fixing. I'm sure it'll be okay.

In another two weeks I have a hair appointment scheduled! It has been a year since I had my hair cut and colored (professionally). I'm trying to find decent hairstyles but I'll probably wind up just looking through books when I get to the salon. I know I want my hair shorter because it's constantly falling out and short hair is far less annoying than long hair. Plus, the summer is coming and I don't want to wear ponytails every day that it gets too hot to have hair on my neck and shoulders. Plus, I think I look better with shorter hair. I'm really looking forward to it!

I really have nothing meaningful to say. I wish I did. :-/

another diagnosis

This morning my RE called and told me that my TSH is elevated. They are starting me on Synthroid immediately. It wasn't terribly bad, just slightly above normal (somewhere just over 3.0), but they treat anyone 3.0 and above so lucky me.

This is not a bad diagnosis, in fact, I'm pleased. Lately my weight loss efforts have been thwarted on every turn. In the past, I could diet (cut calories) and lose weight fairly easily. Granted it was never much weight (10 lbs or so) but it came off rather easily when I put my mind to it. So recently I started walking and cutting back on my calories and I maybe lost three or four pounds. The thought "muscle weighs more than fat" came to mind but my clothes weren't fitting any differently, either. It's nice to know that my thyroid could be the culprit. I guess we'll see. I start Synthroid today and am hoping that I see results rather quickly.

In other news... only three days left until surgery! Hoorah!

talkin' 'bout my... motivation?

I'm becoming less and less motivated to work by the day. No, make that by the hour. I get to work and I sit and stare at my computer screen for about an hour. I surf the Internet; checking blogs, FF, LP, and LJ.

I'm not that crazy about my job. Some days are better than others but lately, it's becoming too stressful. I have a million things to do and I don't know where to start so I put them off for a day or two and, in the mean time, other shit starts piling on top of it. What am I supposed to do with myself? One of these days someone is going to notice that I'm not the best employee I could (should?) be.

Part of me just wants a change. I'm tired of driving to Dothan every day. It's a very tedious drive and it eats away at two hours of my day. Ridiculous. I need something local. Or I need to work from home. I need/want a lot of things that I simply can't have. Boo hiss.

I can't seem to pull myself out of this funk. I've been in it for a few weeks straight now. Completely unmotivated to work, feeling lousy, less energy, putting off exercising. [sigh] Maybe it's because I stopped my Prozac and stuck with just Wellbutrin. You'd think ONE antidepressant would be enough to keep me out of the pit of despair but I guess it's not.

Life. Not all it's cracked up to be, sometimes.