ever the defeated one

Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to get pregnant. Like I'm chasing after something that's just NOT meant to be.

And it makes me so very sad.

Sad because I'm losing hope. And sad because I don't deserve to be going through all of this. And sad because I am tired of being so bitter. And sad because I am tired of feeling so guilty for wanting to live a life that doesn't revolve around TTC.

And I'm just so sad about all of it. And I don't have anyone (IRL) that really understands how I feel.

a new pair of eyes... to go, please.

For the past month or two I've noticed that my visual acuity has decreased markedly. At first I thought it was a fluke but it just kept getting worse so I finally scheduled an appointment with my opthamalogist to make sure nothing crazy was going on. It's much worse at night so my guess was that my vision is just deteriorating in my "old age".

As it turns out, I was right. I have "night myopia" - night time nearsightedness. Interesting, no? Well, my vision in my left eye isn't so great no matter what the time of day but my right eye is good for most part and together they make a great [daytime] pair. At night, different story. Headlights blur into a continuous line. Tail lights and stop lights, well, I can never tell just how far away they really are. (Which oddly hasn't changed my driving habits in the least. Huh.)

So yeah, basically, I need glasses. Only for driving and even then, mostly for driving at night. How freaking cool am I? So I get to pick out new glasses here shortly. Pictures to follow once I have them because, like I said, how freaking cool am I?

This post is brought to you in part by Melissa's [hypo]Mania and by the letters F and U.

carry on.

therapy 101

So my session yesterday wasn't too bad. I really wasn't feeling particularly down anymore and it's so hard to say "I was feeling depressed two days ago, but now I feel okay." without feeling like a complete moron. But I told her anyway and, if necessary, we'll look at shifting some meds around. I'm hoping restarting the Topamax will be the ultimate "boost" that I need to stay moodswing free for a while at least.

We also discussed TTC. She stays up on that because that is the primary reason I started going to therapy. I was just tired of being so bitter towards other women. Anyhow, we talked about a few different things and then she brought up that she has another patient that has been TTC for about seven years. So now she's looking into starting a support group for infertile women! I'm very excited! It may take a while but the prospect of meeting people that are going through the same thing I am is really encouraging. Not that I'd wish IF on anyone, but it's nice to know you're not alone. I have all my online friends and I love and appreciate you very much, but nothing compares to having someone to talk to IRL. (If I lived closer to Birmingham, this wouldn't be a problem. [le sigh])

In other news, school is stressing me out to no end. This class is a lot harder than I expected. Hmmph. Programming can bite me, I just want to get to the web developing!! My next class is going to be my second and final math class. That should be a nice eight weeks. (It's all self-paced so I could finish it in two weeks and have six weeks off! Or something similar, you get the picture.) Following that I'll be taking either Biology or Astronomy. I haven't decided which. I'm leaning more towards Biology because I'm good at Biology. But Astronomy seems so interesting and I love looking at the stars. So I guess we'll see.

I also need to do my FAFSA which means I need to file our taxes. Tony and I both got our W2s back so it's time! If the 2007 H&R Block Tax Estimator is right, we'll be getting around $4,000 back this year. w00t w00t! This excites me to no end. We are going to get a new mattress and box spring, pay off the WaMu credit card and still have some money left over. Hooray! I'm really looking forward to being mostly debt free again.

down the rabbit hole I go

I'm depressed again. It's not as horrible as it was when I was off medication but it's still there and it's impairing my normal activities. I somehow forced myself to come to work today but I haven't done any actual work yet. I tried working on my homework but it's depressing when you don't understand something; especially when you plan to make a living out of doing it. Ugh.

I'm just so tired of these incessant cycles. I'm sick to death of the ups and downs. I'm tired of spending money in hopes that stuff will make me feel better. (It does, but only momentarily.) I constantly feel like I'm going crazy and this is when I'm on my meds. WTF is the point??

So so so so so tired. Restless and uneasy. Paranoid one moment, ambivalent the next. I want to attempt to put my hand through a brick wall! How can anyone tolerate this? How can I continue to live and function when I feel like I'm grasping for sanity at every turn?!

Angry. So freaking angry. There's no end to this downward spiral.

How do you tell someone that you don't want to die, exactly, but finding the motivation to live is becoming endlessly more difficult??

Therapy tomorrow. I am just going to let it all out. Fuck the consequences.

autumn eyes are winter weary

I'm feeling pretty blasé the last few days. I'm not sure why. Ok, so I know why. I'm bipolar; THAT'S why. But still... My BIL is leaving for North Carolina for two weeks so my sister is sad. She likes me to keep her company when he's gone so I'll probably be spending a lot of time with her and the kiddos. She posted pics of all four kids on her MySpace. Each one has their own album and she took pics of them growing up; from birth to present. I looked at my oldest nephew's pics and immediately started to cry. I was still a "baby" (13 going on 14) when he was born. I remember babysitting and giving him lollypops. Now he's the age I was when he was born. And he's so handsome! They're really wonderful kids and I love them to death. It makes my heart soar that they love my husband just as much as they love me. Sometimes more! David - the youngest - has a habit of asking me "Where's uncle Tony?" as soon as he sees me. No "Hello Auntie Lissa!" just the "Where's uncle Tony?" It's cute. Sometimes they make me flip flop back and forth between really wanting my own and really wanting to be able to spoil them for the rest of their lives. Hmmm. Can't I do both??

Sad sad sad. So much melancholy for this restless mind. Tired of living in cycles of up and down. Sometimes I just feel trapped; a prisoner in my own mind. I'm waiting to break free; always waiting to break free.

revisiting TTC

Last night I arbitrarily asked Tony whether or not he ever questioned wanting kids. He said 'Absolutely not. I want kids.' So that's that. If there were ever a doubt in my mind that we shouldn't have kids, it's pretty much out the window now. My husband really wants one and I want one (most of the time) so it's settled. Back on the TTC train we go.

Next stop - injects with IUI. I'm not sure if it'll be this cycle or after we get our taxes back. I'm thinking tax season is a better bet (so we don't drain our savings). Part of me has considered financing a few IUIs. I guess we'll see how things go.

My next step is a repeat SHG with my RE. Last time I had it done in Montgomery with my nurse practitioner. They saw something by my cervix but couldn't really decipher what it was on the ultrasound photos. So my RE wants to do it herself so she can see it firsthand. Which means I have to drive to Birmingham in the next few weeks. (Not that this bothers me. I love Birmingham!) I'm hoping I don't need surgery again. I'll be pissed if I do. Only time will tell.

In the mean time, I am taking prometrium for 10 days to induce AF. Good times, good times.

ooh loook! a little plastic castle

There's a song, forever and ever a favorite of mine, that refers to a goldfish's memory (or lack thereof) and how the little plastic castle is a surprise every time. I feel like a goldfish today. I can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. I have this big project looming over me all ominous and threatening like but even that isn't motivation enough to get it done. Oh wells. I'm sure I can finish it Monday (when I'll hopefully be more focused).

I blame myself, of course. I know for sure I forgot to take my meds last night. (The storms and everything threw me off.) And I think I might've forgotten them the night before. Grrr... hiss. I know I'm okay with the anti-depressants because Prozac has a half life of like six days. So I'm good there. But I'm not sure what the half life of Abilify is. Hrmm. Must research. Noted: 75 hours. So I should be okay there too. I guess it's the caffeine that's made me all loopy. Anyways.

Something wonderful happened to me today. My niece SMILED at me for the first time! That gorgeous little baby grin just melted my heart. She did it repeatedly, too, so I know it wasn't a fluke! She's already gotten so big. If I don't see her for a week she's changed so much by the time I see her again. Amazing.

All my TTC stuff is on hold. I'm planning on drinking again this weekend. I figured fuck it, right? What do I have to lose? If I don't live my life now and I still don't have a baby five years down the road I know for sure that I will regret it. I still plan on doing injects and IUI but I'm not going to stress myself out about it anymore. It's just gotten to be such an unhealthy thing to immerse myself in. Instead, I'm focusing on me (and Tony) in the here and NOW. And I feel much, much better! I've also decided that my meds, no matter what unknowns may be, are a must. They have to stay, TTC, pregnant, or not. The risks are too great. I was in such a bad place just a few weeks ago. I can't go to that place while I'm carrying a child - or even now! It's not a fun place to go, I promise. Just so it's made clear, bipolar disorder is a disorder that cannot be fixed or treated (very often) with just therapy. I knew this when I stopped my meds but I wanted to give it a go anyway. It just doesn't work. At least not for me. Bipolar disorder is chemical - my brain (not mind) doesn't work right and when those chemicals go wacky, consequently, so do I. So that's that.

I'm very eager for this day to be OVER so I can go home, finish my homework, and start my freaking weekend!