damn damn damn!

I told myself that I would not stress out about this cycle. Whatever will be, will be. All I have to say about that is... Yeah riiight. I don't know if I'm mentally capable of not worrying about how a cycle is going to turn out. BFNs just SUCK BALLS. And not in a good way. :-P

I told Tony that we'd take it slow. Take it easy. I wouldn't worry so much, I wouldn't put pressure on him or on myself. Slowly that promise is disintigrating and each day that passes I find myself longing more and more for this cycle to work. I guess that's normal.

I need to create a mantra. Something that will help me be as stress free as possible during these stupid cycles. All we can do is try and try again if we fail.

I wish I didn't feel like pulling my hair out all the damn time.

create in me (wishful thoughts)

I keep thinking that Tony and I should clear out the spare bedroom (read: the future nursery). Right now it is packed full of clutter and junk; stuff that we need to sort through anyway. There are hundreds of books, two PCs (neither of which is more than an oversized paper weight), a dresser that functions poorly, bags of clothes that need to go to the Christian Mission, Christmas decorations, and lots of other miscellaneous junk that, like I said, needs sorting. I'd like to get it all cleared out and then paint. And possibly pick out some curtains. I don't want to do anything dramatic like buy baby furniture or anything, but I'd like to start preparing at least a little bit. Perhaps it'll open a window of positive energy. Besides, I hate going in that room. We really need a couple of book shelves. Among other things.

My sister had her baby on Sunday afternoon. It was an incredible experience that I'll not soon forget. In fact, I don't think I ever will. Madison Michele was born at 2:03 PM at Enterprise Medical Center. She weighed 8 lbs 10 oz and was 21 inches long! She was a big girl but so tiny just the same. She's perfect in every way imaginable. Last night I visited the hospital to keep my sister company for a couple of hours. After Maddy through a holy hell fit about getting her poopy diaper changed, she was pretty tuckered out. So I snuggled her for about a half hour. For the first 15 minutes or so, she did nothing but squirm (she's such a wiggle worm!) and stare at me. Talk about melt your heart! Then she started getting antsy so I gave her the binky and before long she was sound asleep in my arms, sucking her binky and holding tightly onto my thumb. All I could think is how badly I wanted to have a baby of my own to rock to sleep. Of course, for now, Madison is a good substitute and I am completely in love! (Picture was taken shortly after Madison was born on Sunday. Surprisingly, I don't look too bad for having on almost no makeup! ;))

In TTC news, I started my injections last night. They have me on 75mIU of Follistim again but I'm thinking of upping it to 100mIU. I responded slowly last time on 75 and I don't want to have to make multiple trips to Montgomery again. Hopefully CD 12 will leave me with at least two, hopefully three good follicles. Last time, I only had one. :-/ I'm really hopeful for this cycle. I'd love a September baby. I remember this time last year, wanting a September baby. September has come and gone. But I won't be defeated. This journey will soon end happily. It just has to.

a new place to blog it

Contrary to what may be popular belief, I am 'hip' and I do keep a blog. In fact, I've kept one for almost nine years now. Yes, the very same blog. It's strange looking back through old entries and seeing what I was up to six years ago. But, unfortunately, I keep my LiveJournal mostly on private or friends only. And I write about everything in my LiveJournal including TTC stuff. So I decided to start posting the TTC stuff over here where my LP friends can have a gander at my meandering thoughts from time to time.

The first two entries are recent LJ entries.

roll with it baby!

After having 80cc's of saline pumped into my protesting uterus on Wednesday, my RE has declared my uterus hopefully free of polyps. Hooray!

Better news? In about a week I'll be starting another round of Follistim injections and we'll be back on the TTC bandwagon. This is all very sudden and unplanned but I'm excited none the less. I'll be tapering off Topamax as quickly as possible and stopping Abilify as well. Wellbutrin and Prozac will remain because I just don't want to be depressed. I can handle manic better than I can handle depressed, I think.

I feel like I'm cramming for an exam. Suddenly I have to start taking prenatals and Omega 3-6-9. Drinking at least 80 oz of water a day. Getting more exercise. Sleeping more. I need to eat healthier. Tony needs to start his Fertility Blend and other vitamins. Wow. It's a bit overwhelming but I'm so ecstatic I can hardly contain myself!

what could have been

Green envelopes and cute invitations with little animals. "Look," I said to Tony. He smiled, half-heartedly. I think we were both thinking the same thing. It should've been us. It should be me happily rubbing my protruding, uncomfortable tummy. Complaining of back pain and running to the restroom every 5.8 seconds.

Yes, it should've been me.Instead, I sat and filled out the cute invitations through tear-filled eyes and the realization hit me; I'm ready to try again. We'll be taking things slow and by the time we actually hit a medicated cycle it'll be nearly one year since we lost our baby. How can a year go by that fast? Didn't I miscarry just yesterday? Wasn't I celebrating new life growing inside of me just a moment ago?

It's so hard to explain. All of these feelings; how they wax and wane.I am waiting to schedule my SIS procedure for next week. This will be my last month on birth control. I haven't lost nearly the weight I wanted to but I plan to keep trying even after I go off birth control. We'll see how it all plays out.