what could have been

Green envelopes and cute invitations with little animals. "Look," I said to Tony. He smiled, half-heartedly. I think we were both thinking the same thing. It should've been us. It should be me happily rubbing my protruding, uncomfortable tummy. Complaining of back pain and running to the restroom every 5.8 seconds.

Yes, it should've been me.Instead, I sat and filled out the cute invitations through tear-filled eyes and the realization hit me; I'm ready to try again. We'll be taking things slow and by the time we actually hit a medicated cycle it'll be nearly one year since we lost our baby. How can a year go by that fast? Didn't I miscarry just yesterday? Wasn't I celebrating new life growing inside of me just a moment ago?

It's so hard to explain. All of these feelings; how they wax and wane.I am waiting to schedule my SIS procedure for next week. This will be my last month on birth control. I haven't lost nearly the weight I wanted to but I plan to keep trying even after I go off birth control. We'll see how it all plays out.