guess what?

I'm a mom.

And guess what becoming a mom didn't cure?

My mental illness. *gasp!* Yes interwebs I am still very much bipolar after giving birth to my two beautiful daughters. And it sucks! (Um, not being a mom. That's pretty awesome. Being a bipolar mom sucks.)

I seriously need to get my meds straight. I went back on them right after delivering but it has NOT managed to keep the mood swings under control. Not even a little bit. In fact, I can't ever remember being THIS bad while on a proper med cocktail. Ever. (The Zoloft treatment circa my uber-crazy late teen/early 20 years doesn't count. Monotherapy with an SSRI does not adequate bipolar treatment make.) Right now I'm on the 20mg of Prozac and 200mg of Lamictal I was on pre-pregnancy. I feel like I'm on freaking placebos.

Things heavy on my list right now: paranoia, excessive extreme guilt, flight of ideas (O. M. G.), rage/anger/outbursts, deep depressions with crying spells, overspending, guilt, and possibly maybe some mild transient psychosis.

Right now I am rational and I can process this. When I am at either end of the bipolar spectrum (manic/depressed) I cannot. Everything is MY fault. I'm a horrible mother. My children and husband deserve SO much better. The world would be better off without me. Blah blah blah...

The only thing I can think to do for the time being is talk to my pdoc (appointment on Tuesday) about some sort of antipsychotic for the time being. I don't know what else to do. Lamictal was such a miracle drug for me three years ago and now I might as well be taking Pez in its place. And I'm not sure if the Prozac is helping (keeping me from being too awfully depressed) or hurting (contributing to the dysphoric manias I've been dealing with lately).

But these two little creatures that I have. Wow. They are amazingly worth it. I know I can get through this. It may take another dozen medication tweaks but I know we can get my bipolar stabilized. We have to. Because these two little creatures have totally stolen my heart.

12 weeks!

I have several posts pending. I sit down to write and never finish! Even my birth story is sitting in my un-posted archives waiting for me to finish it up.

Life is good. It's not always easy but it's definitely GOOD. I love these two little creatures so fiercly and completely. It's wonderful. ♥

I can't believe that they are already 12 weeks old! They are growing and changing so fast!

Here are some stats. Hopefully I'll get around to posting more often. The girls were born at 38w1d. I was in labor from 1:00 AM until they were born at 7:38 and 7:41 PM on July 3rd. I had an epidural though so it was all good. ;) Abigail Hope was 6 lbs, 13 oz and 19.5" long. Hannah Faith was 6 lbs, 14 oz and 20" long. Both were born vaginally! I pushed for less than 20 minutes to get them both out. (It sure felt like a LOT longer!) At their two month check Abby was up to 11 lbs 1 oz and 23.25" and Hannah was 11 lbs 5 oz and 24" long. They are delightful, happy little babies and I simply could not ask for more. :)

and the clock winds down!

I'm sitting here timing some contractions. I'm certain they're only Braxton Hicks. They're not what I would describe as painful. Uncomfortable, yes. Weird feeling, definitely. But painful... no. Still, seeing as how I'm only going to be 35 weeks on Saturday I'm a little anxious that they are happening regularly. On one hand I am super excited to meet my precious baby girls! On the other hand... well, I'd rather they keep cooking for a minimum of another week! Preferably two more weeks to hit full term status.

Maybe the "new baby smell" triggered something. :P My nephew's girlfriend had a beautiful baby boy yesterday. It was a rough couple of days for me. My blood was boiling with jealousy. It has been tough sharing a pregnancy with a teenager. Especially after years of infertility. I'm a little jealous that she got to go through a very normal labor. But my irritation level was extremely high the entire night and most of the following day. I went with my sister to visit them late yesterday afternoon and it was amazing how quickly a lot of those emotions melted away. He is just SOOO precious! He looks so much like my nephew it's unreal. He was 8 lbs 4 oz and 21" long. A very healthy big boy!

So now that I've gotten a good whiff of that new baby smell I keep going "Wow... I can't wait to see mine!" I have to keep reminding myself that they are better off staying in the belly for at least another week, though.

Despite all of this... it's still really hard to picture/imagine what it's going to look like. I've only just recently gotten used to being pregnant. Feeling pregnant. Believing that I'm pregnant. The fact that pregnant is going to turn into my having babies is still pretty mind boggling!

So far I've had five Braxton Hicks in the last 40 minutes. And I didn't time the ones I was having before but they were fairly regular from what I can tell.

polar emotions

Today I am 34w2d pregnant. I cannot begin to describe how fast and slow this has gone. I'm definitely in a state of disbelief that, in a few weeks (or less!) time, I could be bringing home my babies. I am excited and terrified all at the same time.

These last couple weeks of pregnancy have been rough. I tapered off my Prozac (probably far too quickly) so my emotions have been extra high. Couple that with the general discomfort that comes with being 30+ weeks pregnant with twins and, well... things are bound to get hairy every now and again. The crying spells. Oh dear Lord. The Monkey and I were heading out to a friend's house the other day to borrow a power tool and while he went in to Walgreens to get me a bottle of water I completely lost it. Blubbering. Mess. I took a nap on the way out and by the time we arrived I felt chipper again. Sleep is a luxary that I just don't see much of. I'm up four or five times a night. Three (or more) of those times I have to roll (yes roll) out of bed and hobble to the potty. Other times I just have to switch sides. (I despise side sleeping. It makes my hips and shoulders and neck very sore and I will not lie -- I can't WAIT to sleep on my back again!)

During the rougher days I think to myself "37 weeks can't come soon enough!" Not just because of the discomfort but also because, well duh, I can't wait to meet these little girls! But then I look down at my belly and think about how little time I have left to cherish it. I love my belly. I honestly love being pregnant. Pregnancy has been rather agreeable with my psyche. Dare I say, for the most part, I am comfortable in my own skin. Even though I have packed on a whopping 60 lbs already! [jawdrop] I love feeling all the rolling around that goes on in there. I like trying to figure out which body part is trying to make its way into my ribcage. I love the steady, rhythmic poking when one or both of the babies has the hiccups.

Thankfully I'm pretty sure that once they are here I will have very little time to miss being pregnant. ;) We have everything ready to go. Well, except we need to get the car seats installed in the car and then have them inspected. The nursery is done. We did some maternity portraits (and I'm hoping to do a few more this week). And I find that's another reason I keep wishing for the next few weeks to fly by -- we're ready!

Today is my final visit with the perinatologist. Everything has gone pretty much perfectly. I, apparently, have a cervix of steel. Every measurement has been 5+ cm; long and closed. My girls are growing fabulously! They've consistently remained in the 50th percentile during the entire pregnancy. At our ultrasound with the OB on Friday Baby A was estimated to weigh 5 lbs 3 oz and Baby B was 5 lbs 3 oz. Big, healthy girls!

And so the countdown begins (or picks up) and hopefully very soon (but not too soon) I'll be introducing my sweet little girls to the world.

viability

24 weeks pregnant today. Officially, the twins are considered viable. And yet, it's all still very surreal.

I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. Pregnancy has been truly wonderful thus far. The movement and kicks I'm getting (more frequently) are amazing. Really and truly. I remember thinking how amazing it was to feel my niece kick from the outside. It's a million times more incredible firsthand. The Monkey has been able to feel them quite a few times. (The kicks are still sometimes not as strong. The babies are still relatively tiny; my placenta is anterior; and, y'know, I'm pudgy.) When they're particularly active (usually sometime in late afternoon) I can sit and watching them poke my belly and just be completely awestruck. This is definitely my favorite part of pregnancy thus far.

Things are going swimmingly. Every two weeks I get checked out by either my OB or my perinatologist and we've had zero bad news. My cervix remains long and closed. Babies are always moving/bouncing around like crazy. Heartbeats are always wonderful. It's incredible how after so long of struggling with loving my body because it could never do anything right. Now it seems to be doing exactly what anyone could want from it. For that, I am thankful.

There are other things going on outside of preggie-ville. The Monkey is "scheduled" to lose his job sometime around June/July. Kind of perfect and crappy timing all at once. The good thing is that he'll be eligible for displaced worker retraining. He's finally going to get to go to college and get his A and P certification and, hopefully, after his schooling he'll be able to land a job pretty quick with one of the many aviation places we have around here. He's wanted to work on (well, actually fly) helicopters/aircraft for as long as he can remember. He moved to Alabama to do just that but things just got in the way. (In his words -- he always either had the time or the money; never both.) With the retraining program, he will get $10k to pay for schooling. There is a big of a money gap after that but we're sure he can fill it with grants (hooray for tax deductions!) and student loans if necessary. The great thing about all of this is that the college courses he took in the mid-90s (hehe... when I was still in middle school [snerk]) will ALL transfer to this new program! So basically he has all of his general ed classes out of the way. I know it's a little crazy to be excited about him losing his job with two babies on the way, but it's definitely a step in the right direction. He'll qualify (and get) unemployment. The only thing we really have to worry about is medical insurance for him as I will have Medicare and the babies will qualify for Medicaid. I'm hoping we can get him insurance using some sort of student program. He doesn't get sick often. And even when he does it usually doesn't require medical attention. Our only worries are kidney stones and his mediccation. (And even the latter is not the bigger of the worry as all of his meds can be prescribed by our family doc and they are all generic and dirt cheap.) In the meantime, we have money saved and we have virtually no bills to worry about.

April is right around the corner. We'll be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary (8 years together!) and getting our 4D ultrasound done as well. And then there will also be my babyshower (!!!) at the end of the month. Everything is happening so quickly.

I can't wait to meet this precious little gifts on the outside. <3

21w1d -- onward march!

Pregnancy is starting to feel more real every day. It's still surreal in so many ways. Like I still can't picture two babies sleeping next to me or even changing cute little fluffy butts just yet. But I'm starting to get very distinct pokes and prods from the inside and oh man does that help with the reality! The Twinkies were particularly active the day before yesterday and I swear I couldn't stop grinning from ear to ear. Even the sharp groin kicks made me giggle (and those, uh... hurt).

The Monkey and I went and toured the Family Birth Center at the hospital we're going to deliver at. It was wonderful! All of their rooms are birthing suites. No sharing rooms! The Monkey is allowed to stay with me the entire time (overnight and everything!) which is something I had no clue about. (They don't allow that at our local hospital.) Also, you labor, deliver, and recover in the same room. No being shuffled around! The hospital has a low level NICU and capabilities to medevac to a hospital with a higher level NICU if needs be. (But we're not going to NEED a NICU at all, damnit. That's my resolve and I'm sticking to it!) (That, of course, is my hope and prayer... but we asked for the details because we all know that reality can very easily ruin one's plans.)

Before we headed out for the hospital tour we stopped in Target and picked up a couple more of our 'big' baby items. Specifically a swing and two bouncers. I was looking at a different bouncy seat but when The Monkey saw that they had bouncers that matched the swing he talked me into that one. Imagine! The Monkey being the one that wants stuff to match! [insert ironic laughter here]

I think we are nearly done with the big stuff. We bought the car seats. The co sleeper is on its way (I got a fantastic deal!). The nursery is painted. The nursery furniture should be here in a few weeks. We have the bedding and such. And now we have the bouncers and swing. We're waiting to see if we can get a better deal on the stroller we want before jumping into that. I'm trying not to go overboard on buying smaller stuff that will make good baby shower gifts. Clothes are a complete NON-issue. Between the hand-me-downs my sister gave us, the stuff I got on sale at Target, and the stuff my mom and sister "couldn't resist buying," I think we're set for the first few months at least. Oh, and I went a little nutso on cloth diapers so we're pretty good there as well. :P

Now all we need are a couple of adorable little babies! But I am patient and want them to stay right where they are for a minimum of another 15 weeks.

everything nice...

I love my perinatologist. He reminds me a lot of my RE (except she's, y'know, female) in that he talks to me and not at me. The entire staff at Sacred Heart is lovely. I know this is going to sound crazy but I'm grateful to be a 'high risk' patient. The doctors are so attentive and aim to quell my fears instead of dismissing me as some crazy worry wart.

The ultrasound was fantastic. They always are. I never tire of staring at the ultrasound screen in complete awe with a permagrin plastered on my face. I'm too overjoyed to even have tears of joy at this point. How silly. Both babies are very active (though I can't yet feel it). I've been noticing that the bigger they get, the harder they are to find with my doppler. I surmised that it was because they have so much room to wiggle around and do their acrobatics that they hardly sit still! Baby A is on my right side (head down...for now) and Baby B is on my left side happily kicking Baby A in the nose every now and again.

The ultrasound tech was awesome. She took her time and didn't just rush into doing measurements (they didn't last time, either). Both babies look excellent! Their growth is symmetrical (important for identical twins) and their fluid levels look nice and even. Both of their little hearts and brains look perfect. In a nutshell... so far, so good!

And seeing as how I'm 16w4d today they went ahead and took a peek between their legs. Baby A was bashful but Baby B readily showed us the goods and we are having TWIN GIRLS!! I'm beyond thrilled and amazed and... wow is this really happening to me?

And here is a peek at my two sweet girls! ♥ ♥

Baby A




Baby B




We're still tossing around names but I think we have a good idea who these little munchkins are going to be. :D