realizations

I babysat my niece for the first time today. It wasn't for long but it was fun. She slept for me so I didn't have to entertain her much. Then we went to my parents' house for supper and she got in the pool for the first time! She was so cute kicking her legs and propelling herself across the pool. She's such a doll.

Every day I become more and more okay with being Auntie Lissa and Uncle Tony for the rest of my life.

all moved in... wow

So we're all moved into my sister's garage. I can't believe we did it in less than a week. If it hadn't been for Monkey's brother we would've never made it. Thankfully he sacrificed some time with his daughter and brought her along to help us move. She's such a cutie and a joy to be around. Hopefully Monkey's brother will keep coming out to hang out with us. I guess we'll see.

In the mean time, life has gotten incredibly complicated. I knew it was going to happen but I lost my job. Not good timing but when is mental illness EVER "good timing" right? The anxiety attacks just got too bad to handle. I was almost hospitalized again.

So this is my life now and it's ending one nanosecond at a time. But here are some pictures of our wannabe studio apartment in Southheat... I mean Southeast Alabama. So far, it's really not so bad. My brother in law is really enforcing privacy on the kids and has them knocking before coming in. We flipped the door knob around so now we have the locking mechanism on our side. Looks like our sex life won't be taking a nose dive after all. :P

mi casa es su casa

As of a few days ago, DH and I are moving from our trailer into my sister and BIL's garage. It's going to be a serious transition but we're grateful that we have family that is willing to give us a place to live with no qualms and no strings attached. (Meaning we won't have to pay rent or utilities, etc.)

We simply can't afford to live where we're living now and if we're out by the first the landlord isn't going to charge us for June's rent. That's $450 we get to keep in our savings which is basically our car payments. Our cars are our biggest concern as we've invested 4 years in them already and can't afford to lose them now.

DH is still looking for work. He's a little distracted with the move and my anxiety attacks that have kept me out of work for the past week. Things are just not good right now. We have too much going on and the stress gets to be unbearable. Sometimes I lie in bed and I just can't stop thinking about how much we have to do still.

Tagged

Tagged by kittyguilt.

Things I Did 10 Years Ago ( 1998 )

1. I was still in High School and skipping school a lot to hang out with my dad in the mail room.
2. I watched the video of my niece’s birth and cried and cried and cried.
3. I worked at American Video and got drunk with my friend (also my boss) after work on Thanksgiving night. My parents had no idea.
4. I fell in love with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and become shamelessly obsessed for years.
   

Things I Did 5 Years Ago ( 2003 )

1. In February I went on my very first ski trip to the Dolomites in Italy. I was in transition. I went from living on my own to living with a friend. Skiing was a big part of my transitional period. It sustained me for a while.
2. My sister and her family left Germany on March 12th. I was only weeks behind them but it was the hardest thing to kiss them all good-bye. I wouldn’t see them again for almost two years. (Thanks Uncle Sam.)
3. On March 21st I flew back to the United States to live permanently after living in Germany for 11 years. It was a big culture shock but I’m well adjusted now. March 21st is also the first day I met the Monkey.
4. Sometime around the end of March my mom invited the Monkey over for supper and to the car races in Kinston, AL. A few weeks later (April 14th) the Monkey took me to get my driver’s license. Afterwards, we watched Harry Potter and held hands on the couch. Before he left I grabbed him and kissed him. I knew it was love.

Things I Did Yesterday

1. Complained about my job.
2. Started the South Beach Diet.
3. Hung out at my sister’s house.
4. Lost 5 ½ pounds! (Water weight, but still!)

4 Shows I Love To Watch

1. How It’s Made
2. CSI
3. Good Eats
4. Family Guy

4 Things I Love To Do

1. Shop.
2. Hang out with my family.
3. Play pool.
4. Swim (in the summertime).

I'll tag Steph, Joy, Monica, and Freyja.

we really really don't need this

So Friday my husband broke the news that he'd been fired early that morning. So now we're pretty much up shit's creek in a leaky canoe. We barely subsisted off of both our incomes and now we're living off of just mine and I don't make much at all. His income was the bread winning income and now it's gone. Gone gone gone.

Trying to find a reason/reasons to keep moving forward.

The Changeling

So much is changing. I've spent the last five years of my existance focusing on having a family; making a baby. I'm not as focused on that anymore. I'm more preoccupied with my next mood swing and will it be destructive like the last few have. Meh.

I'm adjusted on 1200mg of Lithium daily now. I'm also still taking 15 mg of Abilify and 1/2 a mg of Xanax PRN and 10 mg of Ambien PRN. I seem to PRN my PRN drugs a lot more than I should. Double meh.

I'm not completely done/given up TTC. In fact, I fully intend on having sex tonight in an effort to maybe catch a miracle egg. My hopes are not high but ideas are soaring through my head. What would it be like to get pregnant without any assistance. Without needle pokes and visits with the dildo cam? I imagine it would be nothing short of miraculous. But I am about to ovulate according to my OPKs and my body signs (not to mention the wicked ovulation pain I had yesterday afternoon). Perhaps this will be my lucky egg... perhaps not.

I'm trying to work on my tan. Jergen's "Natural Glow" is lending me a hand. Fake tanning is a trip. I just want that "healthy" looking glow. It's working, too.

Tony and I will be starting back on the South Beach Diet next week, also. I need to lose at least 25 pounds by summertime. The first 10 should come off rather easy it'll be that second 15 that'll hold me up. But I'm going to try, I have to try.

Mother's Day this weekend. The thought of it makes me want to slit my wrists.

5 years and the journey ends

Five years ago today Tony and I threw out our condoms and decided that we were going to have a baby. I didn't expect it to happen immediately but I never would've imagined I'd be sitting here childless five years later.

The whole thing makes me sad, angry, jealous, and bitter.

I don't want to be finished but we are and that's that. I need a new hobby.