Pregnancy can be so contrite. Why does it have to take so darn long to cook a baby anyway? I was examining the calendar today - something I should really avoid, to be honest. My surgery is March 14th. I am on birth control until then so there's not even a chance of a "surprise!" pregnancy between now and then. (Not that I was really expecting that anyway, but really.) So, surgery on the 14th and then I can throw out my birth control pills and wait for the witch to show her ugly face. I'm guessing it'll take five to seven days for her to show. We'll say somewhere around March 21st is CD 1. Oh goodie. Provided everything follows my mock timeline perfectly (and we all know it won't) I'm hoping to trigger around the 2nd and get my IUI around the morning of the 4th. (I'm basing my dates off my last injects cycle which went remarkably well.)
In a perfect world, I would be pregnant and due December 26, 2008. One last chance at a 2008 baby.
This hardly seems fair to me at all.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
have you noticed?
I haven't had a single mood swing in about a month. An entire month gone by without a swing feels more like an eternity - that's how bad the swings normally are. It has been spectacular feeling level headed, coming to work every day, feeling like life is actually worth living. It's a great feeling not wondering how many muscle relaxers it might take to kill you. A truly wonderful feeling!
Of course, most of this can be attributed to my medication cocktail. Abilify, Topamax, and Wellbutrin are my good, close friends now. I'd no sooner part with them than part with one of my limbs. Seriously, the cocktail is working that well. It's great to feel like myself again! I've even been able to mostly control my spending habits. [gasp!] That's the most difficult thing to control - on meds or otherwise. I have very poor impulse control but lately I've been able to say no to myself. These are all great things! I can't wait to talk to my therapist. And my pdoc. How happy it must make a doctor to finally find the right combination of medications to stabilize a patient. Anyway, enough rambling about that.
In other news, I have been exercising for two weeks running! Okay, okay, so I didn't exercise last week while I was sick. Sue me. But I exercised this week and before I was sick last week. Go me! I've lost five pounds so far - only 15 to go by surgery day! I'm ready to get this weight off. I can already feel a difference in my "well being" since I started walking. I am very proud of myself for finally getting off my fat, lazy ass! I just hope the pounds start coming off so I stay motivated. I get disheartened when the scale doesn't move. :-/ I've also cut back significantly on what I've been eating. I had a small bowl of oatmeal for breakfast (the high protein, high fiber, no sugar kind) and I started taking Glucomannan as well. Right now I'm having my morning cup of coffee with a little bit of Marshmallow Mocha creamer added to it but not as much as I usually put in it. Just enough to take the bite out of the coffee. For lunch I'm going to go to the grocery store and pick up a Lean Cuisine. I'm not sure what to do about supper. I'll probably skip it and have something small since my Monkey has to work late tonight.
Speaking of The Monkey, he was recently promoted to Manager of his store. This would be exciting except he really didn't want the job. It only pays $0.50 more than what he was getting paid but now he's salaried which means MORE hours but no overtime. Fuckers. He does get bigger bonuses (5% of profit as opposed to 2.5%) and cell phone reimbursement, though. So those little things should help us out a little. I just hate that he's working more hours at a job he can't stand. His brother is looking out for him and hopefully will have him a job in the next couple of months pulling CAT5 cable! Monkey's excited about that. It will be a little bit of a pay cut but Monkey gets a company vehicle (yay!) and, more importantly, HEALTH INSURANCE. Monkey's been uninsured since he started working for TitleMax. Not good but we can't afford to add him to my plan. :-/
So things are things. I wish time would hurry up and pass between now and March 14th! I'm so ready to get my surgery over with. Not to mention I'm ready to see my bestest friend of all my friends!! 31 days left to go. [sigh]
Of course, most of this can be attributed to my medication cocktail. Abilify, Topamax, and Wellbutrin are my good, close friends now. I'd no sooner part with them than part with one of my limbs. Seriously, the cocktail is working that well. It's great to feel like myself again! I've even been able to mostly control my spending habits. [gasp!] That's the most difficult thing to control - on meds or otherwise. I have very poor impulse control but lately I've been able to say no to myself. These are all great things! I can't wait to talk to my therapist. And my pdoc. How happy it must make a doctor to finally find the right combination of medications to stabilize a patient. Anyway, enough rambling about that.
In other news, I have been exercising for two weeks running! Okay, okay, so I didn't exercise last week while I was sick. Sue me. But I exercised this week and before I was sick last week. Go me! I've lost five pounds so far - only 15 to go by surgery day! I'm ready to get this weight off. I can already feel a difference in my "well being" since I started walking. I am very proud of myself for finally getting off my fat, lazy ass! I just hope the pounds start coming off so I stay motivated. I get disheartened when the scale doesn't move. :-/ I've also cut back significantly on what I've been eating. I had a small bowl of oatmeal for breakfast (the high protein, high fiber, no sugar kind) and I started taking Glucomannan as well. Right now I'm having my morning cup of coffee with a little bit of Marshmallow Mocha creamer added to it but not as much as I usually put in it. Just enough to take the bite out of the coffee. For lunch I'm going to go to the grocery store and pick up a Lean Cuisine. I'm not sure what to do about supper. I'll probably skip it and have something small since my Monkey has to work late tonight.
Speaking of The Monkey, he was recently promoted to Manager of his store. This would be exciting except he really didn't want the job. It only pays $0.50 more than what he was getting paid but now he's salaried which means MORE hours but no overtime. Fuckers. He does get bigger bonuses (5% of profit as opposed to 2.5%) and cell phone reimbursement, though. So those little things should help us out a little. I just hate that he's working more hours at a job he can't stand. His brother is looking out for him and hopefully will have him a job in the next couple of months pulling CAT5 cable! Monkey's excited about that. It will be a little bit of a pay cut but Monkey gets a company vehicle (yay!) and, more importantly, HEALTH INSURANCE. Monkey's been uninsured since he started working for TitleMax. Not good but we can't afford to add him to my plan. :-/
So things are things. I wish time would hurry up and pass between now and March 14th! I'm so ready to get my surgery over with. Not to mention I'm ready to see my bestest friend of all my friends!! 31 days left to go. [sigh]
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
sitting, waiting, wishing
It has come to my realization that my chances for a 2008 baby are dwindling faster than I can possibly catch up. I'm on birth control until after surgery day and then I'll have to wait until AF shows up before I can start a new cycle. Hopefully that won't take long but there's really no telling.
The anniversary of our miscarriage is approaching and I so hoped to be pregnant before then. It seems so odd because that day is still so fresh in my memory. It's like a wound that hasn't quite healed. How can it already be a year later? How can it already be a year later and I might not even get a chance to try again before then?
It would be pretty spectacular to be due in December again. I was excited about having a December baby. I remember imagining myself at Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas - big belly protruding past my feet; not worrying about how much food I'd eaten at Thanksgiving dinner. Planning Halloween costumes around a big pregnant belly. Helping my sister bake Christmas cookies and stealing bits of cookie dough. I have a very active imagination, ok?
That longing that I'd gotten rid of for a while has returned. That aching; that yearning to be pregnant and nothing else. I really hope surgery fixes everything and I can get pregnant as quickly as I did last time. And stay pregnant, of course!
In the mean time, my main focus/goal in life is to LOSE WEIGHT. No surprise there. I'm obsessed with my weight! [sigh] My short term goal is to lose 15 more pounds by the time I have surgery. It's a lot but I'm sure I can do it. I've been doing pretty good with my eating. I was naughty and skipped exercising yesterday, though. I will NOT be doing that tonight. My midterm goal is to lose 20 more pounds by June which will put me around...eee gads...190. My long term goal is to get back down to 150 at the most. We'll see how things go. Right now, I'm focusing on the short term goal. 15 measly little pounds. I can do it! Must drink plenty of water, too. Hrrmph.
The anniversary of our miscarriage is approaching and I so hoped to be pregnant before then. It seems so odd because that day is still so fresh in my memory. It's like a wound that hasn't quite healed. How can it already be a year later? How can it already be a year later and I might not even get a chance to try again before then?
It would be pretty spectacular to be due in December again. I was excited about having a December baby. I remember imagining myself at Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas - big belly protruding past my feet; not worrying about how much food I'd eaten at Thanksgiving dinner. Planning Halloween costumes around a big pregnant belly. Helping my sister bake Christmas cookies and stealing bits of cookie dough. I have a very active imagination, ok?
That longing that I'd gotten rid of for a while has returned. That aching; that yearning to be pregnant and nothing else. I really hope surgery fixes everything and I can get pregnant as quickly as I did last time. And stay pregnant, of course!
In the mean time, my main focus/goal in life is to LOSE WEIGHT. No surprise there. I'm obsessed with my weight! [sigh] My short term goal is to lose 15 more pounds by the time I have surgery. It's a lot but I'm sure I can do it. I've been doing pretty good with my eating. I was naughty and skipped exercising yesterday, though. I will NOT be doing that tonight. My midterm goal is to lose 20 more pounds by June which will put me around...eee gads...190. My long term goal is to get back down to 150 at the most. We'll see how things go. Right now, I'm focusing on the short term goal. 15 measly little pounds. I can do it! Must drink plenty of water, too. Hrrmph.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Wait, is this 2007 or 2008?
So yesterday's SHG showed that I do indeed have polyps again. And possibly some small fibroids. The answer? Of course! Surgery. AGAIN.
This is starting to be about as good as 2007 started. Meh.
The good news is I'm treatable. AND my BFF is coming to visit for the procedure. Yay!! She's flying all the way from California just for me. :)
This is starting to be about as good as 2007 started. Meh.
The good news is I'm treatable. AND my BFF is coming to visit for the procedure. Yay!! She's flying all the way from California just for me. :)
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
I teeter between tired... and really, really tired...
Yesterday was not a good day. I suspected something wasn't exactly right when my period decided to up and leave after having been present for three whole days. What I didn't expect was to see a pocket of fluid trapped in my uterus on my baseline ultrasound. The results? Canceled cycle.
Well screw me blue, will ya?
I'm so tired of the bullshit that comes along with TTC. It's getting really old and it's getting there fast. I'm sick of the waiting game, y'know? It's one thing to be in the thick of it but this sitting around waiting for tests and procedures just kills.
So the plan is a repeat SHG on the 7th in Birmingham with my RE. This actually doesn't upset me the way it should. I have to drive three and a half hours for a fifteen minute procedure. It hardly seems fair, right? But it's really no big deal because I love seeing my RE and I love going to Birmingham. It's a win/win for me. Now if I can just get good results on the SHG I'll be a happy camper. I'm not expecting it, though. In fact, I'm prepared to hear "You need surgery," again. Such is the life of me.
In the mean time, my focus is back on the weight loss thing. And the health thing. I started back on vitamins and so did Tony. Plus we're both taking Glucomannan as a dietary supplement to help us lose weight and lower cholesterol. And I'm excercising (walking) every day and that feels really good. I just gotta stick with it. If I can stick with it for longer than a week, it'll become habit and that'll be good. I'm sick of being fat. I'm sick of being lazy. I'm sick of being the way that I am. So I'm going to change it. As much as I can, anyway.
And that's that.
Well screw me blue, will ya?
I'm so tired of the bullshit that comes along with TTC. It's getting really old and it's getting there fast. I'm sick of the waiting game, y'know? It's one thing to be in the thick of it but this sitting around waiting for tests and procedures just kills.
So the plan is a repeat SHG on the 7th in Birmingham with my RE. This actually doesn't upset me the way it should. I have to drive three and a half hours for a fifteen minute procedure. It hardly seems fair, right? But it's really no big deal because I love seeing my RE and I love going to Birmingham. It's a win/win for me. Now if I can just get good results on the SHG I'll be a happy camper. I'm not expecting it, though. In fact, I'm prepared to hear "You need surgery," again. Such is the life of me.
In the mean time, my focus is back on the weight loss thing. And the health thing. I started back on vitamins and so did Tony. Plus we're both taking Glucomannan as a dietary supplement to help us lose weight and lower cholesterol. And I'm excercising (walking) every day and that feels really good. I just gotta stick with it. If I can stick with it for longer than a week, it'll become habit and that'll be good. I'm sick of being fat. I'm sick of being lazy. I'm sick of being the way that I am. So I'm going to change it. As much as I can, anyway.
And that's that.
Friday, February 1, 2008
starting the new year right
This year I've vowed to reaffirm my faith. For those of you reading, I am a mostly non-practicing Pagan. Yep, I'm a witch. :P I'd like to change the "non-practicing" part this year.
I stopped practicing as much as I used to when I met my husband. I don't know why, really, because he's open to all sorts of faiths, I guess I just sort of fell by the wayside. This year, I'd like to change all of that. I'm starting off by celebrating the first Sabbat of the year - Imbolc - with a solitary rite passed on to me by my (also Pagan) BFF.
There will be candles and lemon cake and pomegranate juice. And a renewed sense of joy and self with the new year (and new season) coming.
I stopped practicing as much as I used to when I met my husband. I don't know why, really, because he's open to all sorts of faiths, I guess I just sort of fell by the wayside. This year, I'd like to change all of that. I'm starting off by celebrating the first Sabbat of the year - Imbolc - with a solitary rite passed on to me by my (also Pagan) BFF.
There will be candles and lemon cake and pomegranate juice. And a renewed sense of joy and self with the new year (and new season) coming.
it's a whole new you, Charlie Brown
So I finally got AF today after waiting 40 days. 40 days is a long time! Interestingly enough, I started today, which is the 1st of the month. I think this is a first for me! Hah!
So Monday I go to Montgomery for my baseline appointment. Hoping all will be well inside. Then, hopefully, on Wednesday I'll be heading to Birmingham to see my RE personally to have my SHG repeated. My mom and sister are going to be going with me so we can go shopping afterwards.
So far AF has been good to me. Hardly any cramps to speak of. The only precursor was a wicked-bad migraine yesterday which I had to call in sick because of. No big, though.
I'm hyper. Thinking of starting acupuncture courtesy of my BFF. Nervous and excited about this cycle. Not sure what to expect, really. Worried about DH's counts for some reason. Worried that I have polyps again. Just worried in general.
[sigh]
So Monday I go to Montgomery for my baseline appointment. Hoping all will be well inside. Then, hopefully, on Wednesday I'll be heading to Birmingham to see my RE personally to have my SHG repeated. My mom and sister are going to be going with me so we can go shopping afterwards.
So far AF has been good to me. Hardly any cramps to speak of. The only precursor was a wicked-bad migraine yesterday which I had to call in sick because of. No big, though.
I'm hyper. Thinking of starting acupuncture courtesy of my BFF. Nervous and excited about this cycle. Not sure what to expect, really. Worried about DH's counts for some reason. Worried that I have polyps again. Just worried in general.
[sigh]
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