Sometimes I wish I were just completely off my rocker. Like eating fruit off the wall paper talking to the people in the floor off my rocker. Because, quite frankly, it would be a lot easier for people to deal with me.
Oh she's just crazy, that's all. They would say. And people would nod understandingly or shake their heads at the terrible tragedy that had befallen me and my loved ones. She's just crazy.
But, no. I have to walk around for days, sometimes weeks at a time where I am painstakingly normal. I have normal conversations and do normal people things like school work and taxes and laundry.
Then I have those days where, to the average onlooker, I am just reeeeeeeeally happy. Or excited. Maybe my husband got a raise? Or we're getting a big tax refund. Or maybe I'm just a happy person. Either way, happiness isn't a bad thing, right? (Nevermind the new wardrobe that just went on the credit card or the new line of makeup I bought to try out. Blah blah blah...)
But then I have days like today. Days where I make people scream at me and make my poor husband cry. Days where I think about death and dying and hurting myself. Days where I feel worthless and pointless and helpless and stupid and fat and ugly. Days where I want to just run away to somewhere where I can't hurt the people that love me for who knows what reason because I'm worthless, stupid, pointless, helpless, fat, and ugly.
I would rather be a non-functioning member of society than deal with this bullshit that I deal with. I'm tired of people thinking I'm okay until I crash into a depression and start sobbing all over the damn place. Don't they know by now that it's inevitable?? This is JUST WHO I AM people. Bipolar disorder doesn't just "go away" over night. You don't wake up one day and not have it anymore. It can't be cured by exercise and sunshine.
I have a massive headache now. And I think I might vomit.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
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4 comments:
I'm sorry you're having "one of those days." You are not worthless or stupid or any of the other things you called yourself. You are intelligent, funny, creative, and have the prettiest eyes. Don't listen to the voices who tell you otherwise. tell them to shut-up. they don't own you. You are VALUABLE, girly!!
Yeah. People don't like things that don't go away. It's harder to ignore them when they don't go away.
((hugs))
I'm sorry sweetie.
People are generally clueless when it comes to mental illness. Case in point: my mom. Everyone ignored it, every symptom she ever had until my dad (my dad?!?!) snapped and The Men In White Coats were summoned, like playful little soldiers maintaining the warpeace. I wish things were different, but wishing does jack shit. I think it's great that you're doing, on average, really well with bipolar. I have depression and have a potential genetic link to paranoid schizophrenia (hoo-RAY!) ... and I wonder sometimes if I am bipolar. I'm too chickenshit to see anyone professionally.
Sending you some "I sorta get it" hugs from across the miles!
xx
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