The third month that ends in 'ber'

So, Halloween was completely yawn-worthy this year. My parents decided against the traditional Halloween party which really bummed me out. So no nifty costumes or jell-o shots or cute Halloween-themed cupcakes this year. Nope. Just a night hanging out with Tony's brother and niece for a little while and lots of crying and general moodiness during the day. Now Christmas is on the way and I'm just sure to crash into severe depression. I do every year and I just know this year is going to be worse because we don't have money to spend on gifts which usually helps alleviate some of the holiday blues. But oh well. I did get to carve a pumpkin and I did show my Halloween spirit by wearing black and orange. (Plus I found a wicked-cool eyeshadow tutorial for smokey orange eyes and I must say that I think it turned out pretty kick-ass.) The kids went trick-or-treating and their costumes looked really good.


































I'm 28 in a month and two days. So close to 30 that I am really starting to feel it. (Not that being 30 is a bad thing or anything. I just feel very under accomplished for someone reaching the "big" three-oh.) Some days I feel okay with not being pregnant (or having a child) yet. Then there are days where I remember that this would've been our baby's first Halloween (and first Thanksgiving, and first Christmas... etc, etc). And the fact that we won't be embarking back on our TTC journey for a long time just doesn't help. But whatever.

I have an appointment with our county's Mental Health service on Thursday. This appointment is strictly eval and therapy. I'm not sure when I'll actually get to see their pdoc and talk about meds. They do not offer free services (contrary to what the SSA told me) but they do offer a sliding scale payment method based on income. So we'll find out how much it's going to cost on Thursday. Hopefully I'll like the therapist and the pdoc because they only have a few of the former and ONE of the latter. I guess it can't be any worse than my usual pdoc in Dothan.

My moods are everywhere. I sleep a lot and then I can't sleep sometimes at all. Here lately I've been drugging myself with Xanax when I look at the clock and see that it's 3:00 AM and all the TV channels are going to "Paid Programming" and I notice that I'm desperately awake. Trying not to throw/break things or hurt myself. Trying to supress the urge to verbally wish myself dead. Wishing my life meant something significant or served some greater purpose. And again... whatever.