After 5 years of this bullshit I don't even really know 100% for sure that I want kids anymore. If it was meant to be, surely it would've happened by now. Ugh. I hate this indifference.
My biggest issue right now is my mental health/instability. I'm going crazy on a daily basis. I'm headed to my pdoc in about 15 minutes where we'll probably decide to put me back on Lithium because I need some sort of mood stabilization and I need it now. Lithium is completely contraindicated in pregnancy so the question remains... sanity or TTC?
I think I'm going with sanity for now. Like I said, I can't even say for sure that I want a baby/kids anymore. The big problem here is that Tony does know 100% for sure that he wants kids.
I'm afraid my marriage is falling apart and it's all because my body doesn't work the way it's supposed to. I don't know what I'll do if I lose the love of my life because I'm infertile and/or crazy.
Life sucks, understand?
About Me
- Lissa
- Crazy little green-eyed girl. Fun-loving and mostly carefree. Enjoys loud rock music and driving too too fast. Loves flirting with disaster and teetering dangerously close to the edge of insanity. Has a semi-unhealthy addiction to makeup.
Regular Reads
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Roosevelt Brewing Company Continually in Progress10 years ago
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Back and Better Than Ever.12 years ago
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move along. move along. nothing to see here.15 years ago
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Feelings….15 years ago
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Creme de la Creme15 years ago
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Rawwwwr.16 years ago
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A test of faith17 years ago
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Encore17 years ago
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The birth – belated17 years ago
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Rain18 years ago
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6 comments:
wow, sweetie. I'm so sorry to see you so unhappy. A few things to think about: Does your DH want children or a happy wife? If he has to choose one or the other, which would he choose? Also, maybe its possible that ttc just feels too damned hard right now to attempt. It doesn't mean you have to commit to the "I don't want kids" side, just the 'I don't want to ttc right now'. Not neccassairly the same thing, not at all. If your that unhappy with your job, your only adding to your stress level (and possibly your depression) by continuing to work there. Insurance, no insurance, whatever. You need to be happy first, above all. I understand that you have to work, I'm not saying quit today. Sigh, its hard being an adult huh? Its a hellava lot harder than i thought it would be. Please, don't blame yourself...for anything. Sometimes, there just isn't anyone at blame for what happens. Sometimes its just life. Bad as it sucks sometimes. please, be kind to yourself*big hug* Amanda from LP
Still praying for you, sweetie. Feel free to vent anytime.
Liss, I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. I think that your sanity is more important that TTC. You need to have your eggs in one basket for when you get ready to get pregnant. If you decide that no children is what's best for you, then hopefully Tony will understand. It's not good for you to have to deal with the stress of TTC for 4+ on top of your emotional state. That's overwhelming for anyone. Like, Janelle, said, would he rather have kids, or a happy wife? I'm assuming that when you two got married he was aware of the struggles you would have with your emotions for the rest of your life. He married you knowing that you never know what the next day is going to bring, so this shouldn't come as a shock to him.
There are times when I thought for sure that my marriage was in the gutter & I still get mad because I got married to have a family. I don't want you to end up back in the hopsital, but I do want you to get back on track. I miss you and your crazy self on FF.
I'll always be here if you want to talk.
Liss, *Hugs*.
You need to focus on you right now. Tony will understand that. There is no point in having a family when you cannot even enjoy them because of your own misery. I hope the lithium does it's magic and you are feeling better soon.
And the wishy washy feelings about even having kids, well I don't know if it's a normal progression of IF or not, but I feel the same way lately. Maybe it's a phase, maybe not. Maybe TTC is just not a good idea right now. To me TTC is one of those things that is stressful enough when you DO want to, so if you don't want ot right now, don't focus on happier things. Maybe you'll come back to it, maybe not. Just make sure it's what you want to do.
I wish I could make it all better. :(
I'm also sorry to see you unhappy. Hopefully after taking some time to take care of yourself, other things will be more clear. (((hugs)))
I think that "going with your sanity for right now" is the right choice. However, I don't believe in "meant to be" and I'm pretty sure you don't either. We just got dealt a shitty hand in the "reproductive fitness" category. My husband drew a shitty hand in the "mobility" category. But you got lucky in the "looks" category and my husband can fix stuff like nobody's business. Statistical chance is funny like that.
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