My heart. It is so full of joy and love for my girls that sometimes it's overwhelming and all I can do is cry. Happy tears, of course.
And now Christmastime is upon us and I find myself reflecting back several years ago and I am happy that this day is here. The day where I will be celebrating with my little family and I am oh-so-blessed. So blessed.
Yes my heart is full.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
thankful.
Oh so very thankful.
The holidays this year are different. Instead of going "Ugh, do we have to put up Christmas decorations??" I'm going "We are TOTALLY putting up decorations the day after Thanksgiving and when can we get a tree again??!" Years of wishing/hoping/longing/praying and here I am. I'm a mom. I'm a MoM, even. Which is twice as nice.
The two little critters are doing fabulously. The Monkey joked the other day how we sort of haven't earned our "twin badges" because our journey thus far (KNOCK ON WOOD) has been remarkably easy. They are just easy going babies.
We had our four month checkup on Friday and Abigail measured 26" and weighed 13 lbs 12 oz. My chunky monkey Hannah measured 25 3/4" and weighed 14 lbs 8 oz! They are growing up so fast it's unreal! They have these little discernible personalities. Abby is a screamer/drama/attention whore. Hannah is laid back/chill. They switch, of course, to keep us guessing but mostly those "roles" are consistent. They had their vaccines on Friday also. This time I didn't cry as much. :P Abby was a little more upset by the whole ordeal (see previous comment about drama queen) and had to be consoled a little longer. They ran a slight temp for a couple of days and were kind of lethargic but otherwise are doing well. Because they've been tossing and turning more we decided to transition them to their cribs. It's not that I wanted to, really, but it was ideal for all of us -- the girls included. So for the past four nights they've slept roughly 10 - 12 hours a night in their own room in their own cribs. :') My heart is torn between being thrilled and being sad that they're already that grown up.
Their clothing size varies. I have some 3 - 6 that still fits them but mostly they are in 6 monhts (Carter's), 6 - 9 months (Children's Place), and 6 - 12 months (Old Navy/Gap). Some of their 3 - 6 stuff still fits, though.
It's hard not to be grateful with a heart this full of joy and love. I'm still having some issues tweaking my meds but it's coming along. I am now on Prozac, Lamictal, Abilify, and Klonopin for mania PRN. Also taking Ambien for sleep when I can manage.
Next time I update I need to update regarding cloth diapering. If anything about parenthood agrees with me it's definitely fluff! I'm resisting my urge to try wool in fear that I'll like it too much and want to redo my entire stash. That's just NOT an option for a stash the size of mine (easily 200 diapers).
In the meantime I leave you with something I see EVERY MORNING:
Abby
Hannah
The holidays this year are different. Instead of going "Ugh, do we have to put up Christmas decorations??" I'm going "We are TOTALLY putting up decorations the day after Thanksgiving and when can we get a tree again??!" Years of wishing/hoping/longing/praying and here I am. I'm a mom. I'm a MoM, even. Which is twice as nice.
The two little critters are doing fabulously. The Monkey joked the other day how we sort of haven't earned our "twin badges" because our journey thus far (KNOCK ON WOOD) has been remarkably easy. They are just easy going babies.
We had our four month checkup on Friday and Abigail measured 26" and weighed 13 lbs 12 oz. My chunky monkey Hannah measured 25 3/4" and weighed 14 lbs 8 oz! They are growing up so fast it's unreal! They have these little discernible personalities. Abby is a screamer/drama/attention whore. Hannah is laid back/chill. They switch, of course, to keep us guessing but mostly those "roles" are consistent. They had their vaccines on Friday also. This time I didn't cry as much. :P Abby was a little more upset by the whole ordeal (see previous comment about drama queen) and had to be consoled a little longer. They ran a slight temp for a couple of days and were kind of lethargic but otherwise are doing well. Because they've been tossing and turning more we decided to transition them to their cribs. It's not that I wanted to, really, but it was ideal for all of us -- the girls included. So for the past four nights they've slept roughly 10 - 12 hours a night in their own room in their own cribs. :') My heart is torn between being thrilled and being sad that they're already that grown up.
Their clothing size varies. I have some 3 - 6 that still fits them but mostly they are in 6 monhts (Carter's), 6 - 9 months (Children's Place), and 6 - 12 months (Old Navy/Gap). Some of their 3 - 6 stuff still fits, though.
It's hard not to be grateful with a heart this full of joy and love. I'm still having some issues tweaking my meds but it's coming along. I am now on Prozac, Lamictal, Abilify, and Klonopin for mania PRN. Also taking Ambien for sleep when I can manage.
Next time I update I need to update regarding cloth diapering. If anything about parenthood agrees with me it's definitely fluff! I'm resisting my urge to try wool in fear that I'll like it too much and want to redo my entire stash. That's just NOT an option for a stash the size of mine (easily 200 diapers).
In the meantime I leave you with something I see EVERY MORNING:
Abby
Hannah
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
guess what?
I'm a mom.
And guess what becoming a mom didn't cure?
My mental illness. *gasp!* Yes interwebs I am still very much bipolar after giving birth to my two beautiful daughters. And it sucks! (Um, not being a mom. That's pretty awesome. Being a bipolar mom sucks.)
I seriously need to get my meds straight. I went back on them right after delivering but it has NOT managed to keep the mood swings under control. Not even a little bit. In fact, I can't ever remember being THIS bad while on a proper med cocktail. Ever. (The Zoloft treatment circa my uber-crazy late teen/early 20 years doesn't count. Monotherapy with an SSRI does not adequate bipolar treatment make.) Right now I'm on the 20mg of Prozac and 200mg of Lamictal I was on pre-pregnancy. I feel like I'm on freaking placebos.
Things heavy on my list right now: paranoia, excessive extreme guilt, flight of ideas (O. M. G.), rage/anger/outbursts, deep depressions with crying spells, overspending, guilt, and possibly maybe some mild transient psychosis.
Right now I am rational and I can process this. When I am at either end of the bipolar spectrum (manic/depressed) I cannot. Everything is MY fault. I'm a horrible mother. My children and husband deserve SO much better. The world would be better off without me. Blah blah blah...
The only thing I can think to do for the time being is talk to my pdoc (appointment on Tuesday) about some sort of antipsychotic for the time being. I don't know what else to do. Lamictal was such a miracle drug for me three years ago and now I might as well be taking Pez in its place. And I'm not sure if the Prozac is helping (keeping me from being too awfully depressed) or hurting (contributing to the dysphoric manias I've been dealing with lately).
But these two little creatures that I have. Wow. They are amazingly worth it. I know I can get through this. It may take another dozen medication tweaks but I know we can get my bipolar stabilized. We have to. Because these two little creatures have totally stolen my heart.
And guess what becoming a mom didn't cure?
My mental illness. *gasp!* Yes interwebs I am still very much bipolar after giving birth to my two beautiful daughters. And it sucks! (Um, not being a mom. That's pretty awesome. Being a bipolar mom sucks.)
I seriously need to get my meds straight. I went back on them right after delivering but it has NOT managed to keep the mood swings under control. Not even a little bit. In fact, I can't ever remember being THIS bad while on a proper med cocktail. Ever. (The Zoloft treatment circa my uber-crazy late teen/early 20 years doesn't count. Monotherapy with an SSRI does not adequate bipolar treatment make.) Right now I'm on the 20mg of Prozac and 200mg of Lamictal I was on pre-pregnancy. I feel like I'm on freaking placebos.
Things heavy on my list right now: paranoia, excessive extreme guilt, flight of ideas (O. M. G.), rage/anger/outbursts, deep depressions with crying spells, overspending, guilt, and possibly maybe some mild transient psychosis.
Right now I am rational and I can process this. When I am at either end of the bipolar spectrum (manic/depressed) I cannot. Everything is MY fault. I'm a horrible mother. My children and husband deserve SO much better. The world would be better off without me. Blah blah blah...
The only thing I can think to do for the time being is talk to my pdoc (appointment on Tuesday) about some sort of antipsychotic for the time being. I don't know what else to do. Lamictal was such a miracle drug for me three years ago and now I might as well be taking Pez in its place. And I'm not sure if the Prozac is helping (keeping me from being too awfully depressed) or hurting (contributing to the dysphoric manias I've been dealing with lately).
But these two little creatures that I have. Wow. They are amazingly worth it. I know I can get through this. It may take another dozen medication tweaks but I know we can get my bipolar stabilized. We have to. Because these two little creatures have totally stolen my heart.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
12 weeks!
I have several posts pending. I sit down to write and never finish! Even my birth story is sitting in my un-posted archives waiting for me to finish it up.
Life is good. It's not always easy but it's definitely GOOD. I love these two little creatures so fiercly and completely. It's wonderful. ♥
I can't believe that they are already 12 weeks old! They are growing and changing so fast!
Here are some stats. Hopefully I'll get around to posting more often. The girls were born at 38w1d. I was in labor from 1:00 AM until they were born at 7:38 and 7:41 PM on July 3rd. I had an epidural though so it was all good. ;) Abigail Hope was 6 lbs, 13 oz and 19.5" long. Hannah Faith was 6 lbs, 14 oz and 20" long. Both were born vaginally! I pushed for less than 20 minutes to get them both out. (It sure felt like a LOT longer!) At their two month check Abby was up to 11 lbs 1 oz and 23.25" and Hannah was 11 lbs 5 oz and 24" long. They are delightful, happy little babies and I simply could not ask for more. :)
Life is good. It's not always easy but it's definitely GOOD. I love these two little creatures so fiercly and completely. It's wonderful. ♥
I can't believe that they are already 12 weeks old! They are growing and changing so fast!
Here are some stats. Hopefully I'll get around to posting more often. The girls were born at 38w1d. I was in labor from 1:00 AM until they were born at 7:38 and 7:41 PM on July 3rd. I had an epidural though so it was all good. ;) Abigail Hope was 6 lbs, 13 oz and 19.5" long. Hannah Faith was 6 lbs, 14 oz and 20" long. Both were born vaginally! I pushed for less than 20 minutes to get them both out. (It sure felt like a LOT longer!) At their two month check Abby was up to 11 lbs 1 oz and 23.25" and Hannah was 11 lbs 5 oz and 24" long. They are delightful, happy little babies and I simply could not ask for more. :)
Thursday, June 9, 2011
and the clock winds down!
I'm sitting here timing some contractions. I'm certain they're only Braxton Hicks. They're not what I would describe as painful. Uncomfortable, yes. Weird feeling, definitely. But painful... no. Still, seeing as how I'm only going to be 35 weeks on Saturday I'm a little anxious that they are happening regularly. On one hand I am super excited to meet my precious baby girls! On the other hand... well, I'd rather they keep cooking for a minimum of another week! Preferably two more weeks to hit full term status.
Maybe the "new baby smell" triggered something. :P My nephew's girlfriend had a beautiful baby boy yesterday. It was a rough couple of days for me. My blood was boiling with jealousy. It has been tough sharing a pregnancy with a teenager. Especially after years of infertility. I'm a little jealous that she got to go through a very normal labor. But my irritation level was extremely high the entire night and most of the following day. I went with my sister to visit them late yesterday afternoon and it was amazing how quickly a lot of those emotions melted away. He is just SOOO precious! He looks so much like my nephew it's unreal. He was 8 lbs 4 oz and 21" long. A very healthy big boy!
So now that I've gotten a good whiff of that new baby smell I keep going "Wow... I can't wait to see mine!" I have to keep reminding myself that they are better off staying in the belly for at least another week, though.
Despite all of this... it's still really hard to picture/imagine what it's going to look like. I've only just recently gotten used to being pregnant. Feeling pregnant. Believing that I'm pregnant. The fact that pregnant is going to turn into my having babies is still pretty mind boggling!
So far I've had five Braxton Hicks in the last 40 minutes. And I didn't time the ones I was having before but they were fairly regular from what I can tell.
Maybe the "new baby smell" triggered something. :P My nephew's girlfriend had a beautiful baby boy yesterday. It was a rough couple of days for me. My blood was boiling with jealousy. It has been tough sharing a pregnancy with a teenager. Especially after years of infertility. I'm a little jealous that she got to go through a very normal labor. But my irritation level was extremely high the entire night and most of the following day. I went with my sister to visit them late yesterday afternoon and it was amazing how quickly a lot of those emotions melted away. He is just SOOO precious! He looks so much like my nephew it's unreal. He was 8 lbs 4 oz and 21" long. A very healthy big boy!
So now that I've gotten a good whiff of that new baby smell I keep going "Wow... I can't wait to see mine!" I have to keep reminding myself that they are better off staying in the belly for at least another week, though.
Despite all of this... it's still really hard to picture/imagine what it's going to look like. I've only just recently gotten used to being pregnant. Feeling pregnant. Believing that I'm pregnant. The fact that pregnant is going to turn into my having babies is still pretty mind boggling!
So far I've had five Braxton Hicks in the last 40 minutes. And I didn't time the ones I was having before but they were fairly regular from what I can tell.
Monday, June 6, 2011
polar emotions
Today I am 34w2d pregnant. I cannot begin to describe how fast and slow this has gone. I'm definitely in a state of disbelief that, in a few weeks (or less!) time, I could be bringing home my babies. I am excited and terrified all at the same time.
These last couple weeks of pregnancy have been rough. I tapered off my Prozac (probably far too quickly) so my emotions have been extra high. Couple that with the general discomfort that comes with being 30+ weeks pregnant with twins and, well... things are bound to get hairy every now and again. The crying spells. Oh dear Lord. The Monkey and I were heading out to a friend's house the other day to borrow a power tool and while he went in to Walgreens to get me a bottle of water I completely lost it. Blubbering. Mess. I took a nap on the way out and by the time we arrived I felt chipper again. Sleep is a luxary that I just don't see much of. I'm up four or five times a night. Three (or more) of those times I have to roll (yes roll) out of bed and hobble to the potty. Other times I just have to switch sides. (I despise side sleeping. It makes my hips and shoulders and neck very sore and I will not lie -- I can't WAIT to sleep on my back again!)
During the rougher days I think to myself "37 weeks can't come soon enough!" Not just because of the discomfort but also because, well duh, I can't wait to meet these little girls! But then I look down at my belly and think about how little time I have left to cherish it. I love my belly. I honestly love being pregnant. Pregnancy has been rather agreeable with my psyche. Dare I say, for the most part, I am comfortable in my own skin. Even though I have packed on a whopping 60 lbs already! [jawdrop] I love feeling all the rolling around that goes on in there. I like trying to figure out which body part is trying to make its way into my ribcage. I love the steady, rhythmic poking when one or both of the babies has the hiccups.
Thankfully I'm pretty sure that once they are here I will have very little time to miss being pregnant. ;) We have everything ready to go. Well, except we need to get the car seats installed in the car and then have them inspected. The nursery is done. We did some maternity portraits (and I'm hoping to do a few more this week). And I find that's another reason I keep wishing for the next few weeks to fly by -- we're ready!
Today is my final visit with the perinatologist. Everything has gone pretty much perfectly. I, apparently, have a cervix of steel. Every measurement has been 5+ cm; long and closed. My girls are growing fabulously! They've consistently remained in the 50th percentile during the entire pregnancy. At our ultrasound with the OB on Friday Baby A was estimated to weigh 5 lbs 3 oz and Baby B was 5 lbs 3 oz. Big, healthy girls!
And so the countdown begins (or picks up) and hopefully very soon (but not too soon) I'll be introducing my sweet little girls to the world.
These last couple weeks of pregnancy have been rough. I tapered off my Prozac (probably far too quickly) so my emotions have been extra high. Couple that with the general discomfort that comes with being 30+ weeks pregnant with twins and, well... things are bound to get hairy every now and again. The crying spells. Oh dear Lord. The Monkey and I were heading out to a friend's house the other day to borrow a power tool and while he went in to Walgreens to get me a bottle of water I completely lost it. Blubbering. Mess. I took a nap on the way out and by the time we arrived I felt chipper again. Sleep is a luxary that I just don't see much of. I'm up four or five times a night. Three (or more) of those times I have to roll (yes roll) out of bed and hobble to the potty. Other times I just have to switch sides. (I despise side sleeping. It makes my hips and shoulders and neck very sore and I will not lie -- I can't WAIT to sleep on my back again!)
During the rougher days I think to myself "37 weeks can't come soon enough!" Not just because of the discomfort but also because, well duh, I can't wait to meet these little girls! But then I look down at my belly and think about how little time I have left to cherish it. I love my belly. I honestly love being pregnant. Pregnancy has been rather agreeable with my psyche. Dare I say, for the most part, I am comfortable in my own skin. Even though I have packed on a whopping 60 lbs already! [jawdrop] I love feeling all the rolling around that goes on in there. I like trying to figure out which body part is trying to make its way into my ribcage. I love the steady, rhythmic poking when one or both of the babies has the hiccups.
Thankfully I'm pretty sure that once they are here I will have very little time to miss being pregnant. ;) We have everything ready to go. Well, except we need to get the car seats installed in the car and then have them inspected. The nursery is done. We did some maternity portraits (and I'm hoping to do a few more this week). And I find that's another reason I keep wishing for the next few weeks to fly by -- we're ready!
Today is my final visit with the perinatologist. Everything has gone pretty much perfectly. I, apparently, have a cervix of steel. Every measurement has been 5+ cm; long and closed. My girls are growing fabulously! They've consistently remained in the 50th percentile during the entire pregnancy. At our ultrasound with the OB on Friday Baby A was estimated to weigh 5 lbs 3 oz and Baby B was 5 lbs 3 oz. Big, healthy girls!
And so the countdown begins (or picks up) and hopefully very soon (but not too soon) I'll be introducing my sweet little girls to the world.
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