reality

I'm beginning to wonder when pregnancy is going to feel real. My logical/rational side keeps telling me to keep my cool because bad things can still happen. But my heart is telling me that these are my bring home babies. I can't explain my heart but right now, it speaks much louder than my brain. (It doesn't hurt that I'm able to hear the Twinkies on my home doppler now.)

My brain is busy processing that there will more than likely be two little babies in the house in roughly seven months time. Still... my mind's eye just can't see it. I still can't picture my belly getting big and round. I still can't picture myself nursing (or bottle feeding -- whatever the case may be). Which is really strange because while we were going through cycle after cycle of trying I had zero issues picturing us as parents.

But now that it's really happening, I'm drawing complete blanks! What's up with that?

In other news, The Monkey and I went to Toys 'R Us to do some Christmas shopping and spent our first 20 minutes on the Babies 'R Us side. I don't think The Monkey would admit it but I could sense a hint of excitement from him. He poked and prodded through the different "contraptions." He played with strollers and infant carriers. He even looked at nursery decor.

There aren't enough words to express my happiness right now. I'm just wondering... when does it feel really real??

a heartbeat!

We saw a heartbeat today! It was immediate and the tears and giggles came quickly. My mom and sister went with me since The Monkey had to work. My mom asked the nurse if she saw just one. I insisted that there was only one last week so there was only going to be one this week.

Turns out... not so much. One gestational sac... two yolk sacs and two beautiful little heartbeats! :D

We were a bit shocked (er.. still are) but OH SO happy!! <3

another milestone...

The further this pregnancy progresses, the more fascinated I become. I still feel like this is an out of body experience. I got so used to watching other people go through what I longed to go through. It's... odd.

Today we went in for our first ultrasound. I am 5w2d so I prepared myself to 'not see much' on the screen. The Monkey was funny. Through all of this, if you can believe it, the man has never been in a room for an ultrasound. So when I promptly went to stripping from the waist down he looked kind of puzzled. As soon as the dildo cam was inserted we immediately saw a round black bubble amidst the seas of gray. After a few more seconds, a tiny white circle inside the black bubble -- the yolk sac. By LMP I am 5w4d (yeah...we all know how accurate that measurement is) but by the measurements she took of the gestational sac, I am 5w2d.

RELIEF.

My beta came back a few hours later. Normally they call and give results (especially if it's bad news) but this time I decided to check my patient voicemail and there was a message waiting. My first beta (12 DPO) was 31.6. Second (16 DPO) was 344. Today's (23 DPO) was 6334. To say I'm excited is an understatement. I am positively elated. This is the furthest we've made it! And things still look good. With every milestone I allow myself to get a teensy more excited. I go back next Monday for a repeat ultrasound and will hopefully get to see a beautiful flicker.

I am still mostly symptom free. Even my boobs don't hurt like they did that first week (when my progesterone was lower -- go figure). No nausea (yet); no aversions. Maybe some "cravings" (mostly I just don't want sweets like I used to; I honestly want savory/salty foods) and definitely having to pee more often (or I'm just hyper aware of it... or not since I'm having to get up in the middle of the night at least once but more often than not it's twice or more).

another busy Saturday

Which is good because it is keeping my mind off of Monday.

I still don't feel pregnant. So I've been periodically peeing on cheapie Internet strips to reassure myself. The only things that are different are my boobs (they are relentlessly sore most of the time) and my heart. My heart? Yes, my heart. I have been having non-stop heart palpitations for the past week. It coincides with the rise in hCG so I'm going to assume it's pregnancy related. I've dealt with them before but have been told by a few people that their vengeant return could be related to being pregnant so I'm planning on mentioning it on Monday.

Monday. My first ultrasound. My ultrasound. It hasn't sunk in yet. I am five weeks today.

Mmm... words taste GOOD!

I am eating my words like crazy right now. Today's beta came back at an astonishing 344. I was hoping for something in the 120s but this... wow! I am freaking THRILLED beyond the telling of it.

Oh, yeah... and I was wishing for some sign of pregnancy. Any sign. My ta tas are sore. That'll work. :P

My progesterone is still on the lower side (though it went from 10.4 to 23.6!) so in addition to shoving capsules up my hoo-hah three times a day I get to start PIO shots also.

Completely and totally worth it.

looks like I'll be eating my words

Yep. I went in for my beta this morning (at 9:00 AM which meant leaving here at quarter after 7:00) and then I waited. And waited. And waited.

And went shopping in the meantime (I'm doing a Crimson Tide cake for my sister's friend's son's 16th birthday this weekend). I tried to kill as much time as possible. I'd stuck an Answer Early Result in my purse and it was burning a hole in it. After about two and a half hours of holding my bladder I caved and slipped into the bathroom in Ulta and busted out my pee stick.

Sadly, I didn't see a line. There might have been something faint; barely visible. I was disheartened, I will admit. But the thing was, I'd gotten a really strong positive on a cheapie strip early in the morning (but a negative on a Clearblue Digital).

You want to talk about HPT HELL.

Usually I get results fairly quick. I knew they wouldn't leave my results on my patient voicemail but I kept calling it anyway. Of course today of all days they didn't call me until 4:00 PM. By then I was going nuts. I peed on two more cheapie strips (both were positive immediately) and decided to dunk my last digital when the second one came up with a really good line. I was staring at that little blinking hourglass when my phone rang. Just as the nurse said "Congratulations it was positive!" the digital popped up "Pregnant."

Shock. Disbelief. Excitment. Fear. All of the above.

My beta was 31.6 and my progesterone had dropped from 25.7 to 10.5 so they increased my supplements (three times a day up the hoo-hah).

So, that's that. It has been three and a half years since my miscarriage. I do hope that this little one (or little ones) stick around for the long haul. Yesterday I laid on the bed and The Monkey moved in like he was going to "squish" me (we do this frequently) but I screamed "NO! There might be a baby in there!" (I was kidding with him, of course.) He said "Oh ok. Don't wanna squish the sea monkey." Heh.

[deep breath]

IUI #2 = probable fail

Which sucks because I was stupid enough to get my hopes up when the Clearblue Easy +/- test came up with a + within a minute. But I know better than to trust blue dye tests. And the Answer I took with the same cup of wizz was negative. I thought I saw something on the ICs I bought but I'm sure now that it was my imagination because the CBE Digital said 'Not Pregnant.' I am 10 DPO. I know that there's still a sliver of a chance of hope that things might change between now and my beta on Thursday morning but I'm not betting on it.

I'm scheduled for another laparoscopy (#3) on November 12th. As soon as I get the results from my beta on Thursday I plan to book our hotel (or, y'know, eat my words). We stayed at a really awesome hotel for our IUI and I want to stay there again. Their breakfast was good and they had an evening snackbar thing included with the room. (We missed out on that for the IUI because of the fire on I-65 and the two hour traffic jam we hit because of it.)

I'm not sure what to feel at the moment. I'm just... so tired. Our RE wants to get one more cycle in before the end of the year. I guess that means I'll be getting baselines right around my 30th birthday.

I can only hope that this lap will have similar results to lap #1 (wherein I got PG the cycle following).

I have to say there is a tiny, tiny part of me that's looking forward to a month off. I am definitely looking forward to asking for BCPs and hopefully losing a few of the pounds that I packed on these past three cycles (two IUIs and one natural). Fifteen pounds to be precise. All of my jeans are snug. Not tight but these are the very same jeans that were falling off me.