how do I know?

The truth is, I do not know. There is no way of knowing and knowing what I know now and putting it together with what happened then. And knowing how I felt and then how I forgave and then forgot and then trusted... and now look what's happened. Your trust gets dragged through the nastiest muck you can ever imagine.

All of this makes me wonder if I want to have children. Do I want to bring them into a world where these types of things can happen to them? My sister is a good parent. She is attentive and loving. But she was also trusting and, because of that, her son was hurt. And I'm still having a hard time thinking of him as a MONSTER because, deep down, I know that he's not a bad person. Not all the way through. But things will never be the same. Adn I wonder if I'll be able to protect my children adequately from these horrible psyche-destroying travesties that seem to be all too common in my family.

I cry for the person I love. The person I lost. Maybe he was never that person to begin with. I miss the perons that taught me how to drive and helped me take care of my car. I miss the person that took us, the family, out on big summer camping trips fully equipped with big tents and fire pits. And we'd spend our days swimming in Inks Lake and hiking up cactus laden trails to my favorite part of the entire lake -- Devil's Waterhole.

My therapist insists that it's okay for me to feel this week. She tells me that she can only imagine how hard this must be for me; for our family. Knowing that all of these years we essentially lived with two people. And it's hard to distinguish those two people now because the bad has overshadowed so much of the good.

I still have a lot to process. And maybe this isn't square one all over again; but it is certainly a large step backwards that I never dreamed I would be taking.

One day at a time.

another week (and another MONTH even)

Things kind of feel like they are in slow motion. Or something to that effect. It's hard to believe it's only been a week. Everything has changed; life is completely different from last week. I'm trying not to dwell on it because it makes me nauseated when I do.

My emotions are all over the place. But my mood, surprisingly enough, is mostly stable. I'm back in therapy for the umpteenth time in my life to try to sort through this new madness and truly process my past. Maybe then I'll be able to focus more on the future. I don't know.

In light of all this madness I've been considering going out to California to visit my BFF for a few weeks. But I haven't decided for sure yet. I just bought a new laptop (after much persuasion from The Monkey). Then I had to buy a new wireless router because our current one wasn't able to handle the new work load (three laptops, X-Box Live, and two desktops all working off of the same connection). My last splurge was really unintentional but it was just an opportunity that was too good to pass up. With all that has happened we are moving my mom over to our wireless plan. There's no sense in her paying $80.00 a month for a cell phone she hardly uses. (In retrospect, there's no real reason for her to be without one, either.) The ideal solution was to add her onto our account since it would only be, at most, $10 more a month on our bill. But then VZW said we couldn't add a new line without changing (read: upgrading) our current plan since it was outdated. And since we were going to be forced to do it anyway I went ahead and upgraded our phones as well. We'll both have Motorola DROIDs tomorrow. Yes, I am excited. (They were buy one get one free. And as a VZW employee, The Monkey only has to agree to a one year contract versus two. BUT we get the two year contract price on phones. And we get that privelege every ten months. Sweet.)

And now it's time for me to lie down. I am taking Mom to the social security office tomorrow morning. And then I have another therapy session at noon. I'm really enjoying all of the extra time I've been spending with my mom. I can't remember ever getting to sit around and just talk to her. Especially while she's sober. :P She's a good person, with a good heart that has been dealt a crappy hand. But she is just the type of woman that will pick up and go on and amaze the hell out of all those around her.

My BFF is trying to help me, too. She told me to start writing stuff down. I haven't written (in a paper journal) in years. I'm also going to start working more on some holistic treatments for bipolar. (This involves learning triggers and how to avoid them and what to do if I can't avoid them... etc etc.)

In spite of everything, I am still pretty confident that 2010 is going to be a good year.

sudden unmending

I've spent years in therapy trying to reconcile and make peace with my past. But then one event rips everything to shreds and I'm back trying to pick up and put the pieces back together.

But all the ends are too frayed and it seems unlikely that I will ever be the same again.

I want it all to be a very bad dream, please.

new year, yada yada

The holidays commenced with mostly a minimal amount of madness this year. Christmas was a bit of a let down. Even though I thought that I'd mentally prepared myself to spend the holiday just The Monkey and me, it turned out to be very difficult. I spent a good deal of Christmas Eve night and Christmas day crying. Er...sobbing. Boo hoo. I don't think it would've been quite so depressing if The Monkey hadn't had a sudden recurrance of his sciatica. It was so bad that he was incapacitated. Eventually I convinced him (and myself) that he needed medical attention. We drove out to the medical center (which is about 45 minutes away) to the ER. We chose to do this instead of going to our local hospital because we know the type of ER care our hospital gives and it's NOT what we were looking for. As it turned out, however, we wasted the extra money in gas because the medical center was just as bad! If not worse. The on call doctor refused to call the on call MRI staff (seeing as how it was Christmas and all) and sent The Monkey home with NO medication. He got three shots in the butt before he left: a steroid, a pain killer, and a muscle relaxer. But that wasn't after the on call ER doc practically drilled him about his prescription drug use. (She was very accusatory with her line of questioning asking him how often our GP prescribes him Lortab for pain; how often he takes it... blah blah blah.) The Monkey was being very polite until I jumped in and told her very sternly that the prescription he was currently taking for pain was nearly a year old and that he almost NEVER takes pain killers if he can help it. It would be one thing if he even looked a little like he was faking it. But, I'm sorry, you can NOT "fake" a significant rise in BP (like 20+ points) or a crazy fast heart rate. He was in a LOT of pain! At any rate, the medication they gave him either did him some good or the rest and massages and stretching we did at home did him some good. Either way, on the 26th he was completely mobile again. He isn't in pain anymore, so to speak. His back no longer hurts and neither does his butt or his leg; but his calf and parts of his right foot are tingly/numb. We know it's a low back nerve issue. We are working on getting him setup for an MRI.

So, yeah, Christmas pretty much sucked. But it's just another day on the calendar, right? I certainly can't let one day (regardless of it's cultural or religious significance) ruin an entire year. 2009 certainly wasn't, by any means, a horrible year. It was full of some ups and downs (what year isn't??) but over all, I think it was pretty darn good.

2009 certainly ended well. The Monkey, as I said before, went from being incapacitated by pain on Christmas to being almost completely normal for New Year's Eve. My sister and family came home from their vacation early so they were all here for New Year's Eve as well. I have to say I was quite happy that they cut their vacation short. As selfish as that may sound! At any rate, we hung out over at my mom and dad's for th evening. We'd brought our X-Box and stuff over their house for Christmas Eve but didn't get to play it because we wound up staying at home. But we did play it on New Year's Eve and it was a lot of fun. I had a few Mike's Spiced Apple (YUM!!) and a couple of weak rum and Cokes. I can't really drink much alcohol these days. Not only do I not drink often so I've become quite the lightweight. Not to mention several of my daily medications interact with alcohol (read: I get drunker WAY faster) so just a few drinks does me in pretty quick. Which is actually kind of nice. I'm definitely a cheap bar date! Anyhow, we rang in the New Year playing pool and having a good time. We left shortly after midnight and came home to sleep.

Speaking of SLEEP... the most exciting part of 2009 happened on New Year's Eve. The Monkey and I actually slept together in the same bed all night!! We haven't slept in the same bed for three years because his snoring was just that bad. I finally bit the bullet and jumped through a dozen hoops to get him set up with a CPAP machine. The first night was horrific because his pressure setting was WAY too low and he felt like he was suffocating. But now that we have that fixed I don't even have to fight with him to put the darn thing on! We woke up early this weekend for our usual routine of cuddling and early morning nookie. Afterwards I fell back asleep. And he did as well. Imagine my surprise when I woke up and saw that he'd put his mask back on to do so! He can certainly tell the difference in how he feels. And WOW... so can I! He already has much more energy. He's been sitting down to play video games (both WoW and X-Box) without falling asleep during. I took more naps this weekend than he did! It has been absolutely incredible and I only wish we'd known years ago how good one of these machines would be for him! I have a feeling that he'll start losing weight easier now that his body is getting recouperative rest. We are both looking forward to being healthier and happier in 2010; even moreso than we were in 2009. (In fact, I've set my sights on a NEW weight loss goal. I lost a total of 33 pounds in 2009 -- about seven pounds short of my goal. My new goal for 2010 is to lose at least another 30. Definitely more if I can manage!)

So alls well that ends well. Now I'm going to go crawl into bed with my husband and go to sleep.

holiday cheer

I am ready for Christmas. Well except for buying the kids' gifts. But they won't be back until New Year's Eve at the earliest so I have a couple of extra days. Otherwise I am completely ready. Tomorrow night we are going to take the X-Box over to my parents' house and probably rent The Beatles Rock Band. I have a quart of Dairy Fresh Eggnog in the fridge and will be going to ABC Liquors to get a bottle of spiced rum to add to it. I am also going to make some more mulled wine (my mom LOVED it) and I have a six pack of Mike's Spice Apple as well. Good times are sure to be had.

Life is pretty unspectacular and good all at the same time. We still have yet to put things back together after our recent flooding but we're not going to worry about it until this weekend. It's supposed to rain tomorrow and I would hate to put everything back together tomorrow only to have to tear it back apart again. Since we had to get rid of all the carpeting all we have is a bare concrete floor. Which, granted, might be nice in the summer time but not so much in the winter. We're going to check Lowe's and a few other flooring stores for scrap carpet. We are not doing wall-to-wall this time because that has proved to be a serious hassle.

My very last car payment is due on January 2nd. I cannot even begin to express how happy I am about this! Then The Monkey's last payment is in February. So we'll officially OWN two cars! w00t w00t! One of these days we're going to have to look at getting The Monkey's bumper fixed. (A friend was rear-ended in Panama City back in November 2005. We got the settlement money and, uh, spent it on other things. Seeing how it was November we probably spent it on Christmas. :P)

During the month of October I managed to gain a good eight pounds. I was back up to 217! Thankfully that weight has slowly but surely come off over the past two months. Now I am down to my lowest in years... 207!! If anyone has any ideas for me to drop seven pounds in about a week I would love to hear it. :P (I'm not really considering trying this. I expect that I'll actually gain a few pounds over Christmas and New Years since I plan on drinking.) But seeing as how I'm less than 10 pounds from meeting my weight loss goal for 2009 I won't beat myself up too much!

Having this big ol' house to ourselves is a bit strange. Definitely lonely without my sister and the kiddos. But the quiet is kind of nice. Who doesn't enjoy a bit of peace and quiet once in a while after all?? (Well as peacful and quiet as it can be with five cats and a dog in the house!)

And now I am going to go get dressed and head out to get my eyebrows waxed. Then I will come back home and do my makeup. Trying to figure out what to make for supper. A pot roast sounds good. But, then again, so does meatloaf. Decisions decisions...

the rain, rain can bite my rear end!

It has been incredibly wet the past couple of weeks. We had a lot of rain last the Wednesday before last. To our dismay, water got into the garage (aka our living space). We were thankful, however, that it wasn't anywhere near as bad as the incident back in March.

Sunday morning whilst cuddling with The Monkey in bed, our fat cat jumped up with us for some lovin' (he was probably just hungry) and I noticed immediately that his feet were soaking wet. We jumped out of bed and, sure enough, it had flooded again. UGH. But, once again, it wasn't nearly as bad as it was in March. (Though it was worse than the incident a couple of weeks ago.)

We were completely convinced that it was coming in from under the garage door. We weren't exactly right but we were close (it was coming in between the brick and the door frame). At any rate, I rushed to Lowe's to find something that would seal off the crack and hoped that would be the end of our flooding woes.

No such luck. Not at all.

At about 4:00 PM the rain started to fall heavy. It wasn't long before water was just gushing in by the door. We hooked up the Shop-Vac (which doubles as a 'sump pump' as well) and started sucking up the water as it came in. It was working just fine until my sister noticed that water was starting to come in from the back wall. That is where it came in from the first time (from a crack in the floor along the wall). We'd patched it back in April with some liquid concrete sealant stuff. For the most part the patching worked. Perhaps a bit too well because even though it was still seeping in (and rather quickly I might add) the sealing we did slowed it down enough to allow it to rise high enough to get into my sister's house. I feel awful. Even though it's not directly our fault. At any rate, about half of her downstairs den was sopping wet. Carpet and padding and everything. My dad came over and we dug trenches and put down tarps in the pouring rain. We were all soaking wet and completely covered in mud. In the meantime the garage got a good four inches of water. It wasn't standing because it is at enough of a slant that it ran out the door but it was enough to float something small. A golf ball perhaps?

After the rain slowed The Monkey and I cut up and removed all of the carpet (which was also sopping wet) and hauled it outside. Then we rearranged all of the furniture the best we could at the only (very small) spot that has seemed to stay mostly dry. In the process we found ANOTHER leak in the floor. Yay. Once we got that done my sister started hacking at the patching we did in April with a chisel and hammer. As soon as she busted through that stuff and yanked it up water came bubbling out. It looked like a fountain! The Monkey and I did as much squeegeeing as we possibly could. The rain has slowed to a drizzle but we're supposed to get rain this morning sometime around 4:00 AM. Yay again. Then it's supposed to rain all day.

Thankfully I talked to The Monkey's boss and he has tomorrow off so I won't be fighting the flood waters alone. In the meantime we are just trying to figure out what we can do to fix the underlying problem. At this point we are not sure what the problem is. Whether it's a crack in the wall under the house or possibly a foundation leak. Either way, my sister's home owners' insurance does NOT cover flooding.

And I ask... this crap couldn't have waiting until AFTER Christmas?!? UGH UGH UGH.

And now I am going to take my aching body to bed. I am sure to fall out rather quickly (I hope). We are in for a long day tomorrow, that is for sure.

do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around...

I started this really inspired entry a couple of weeks ago about the month of November. It was really heart felt. And did I mention inspired? Sadly my inspiration comes in spurts and I wasn't able to finish before I'd gotten side tracked. And I can't remember what I was going to say anyway.

November is an ideal month. Because it has a bonafide holiday for which all of my family members have a paid day off. There is plenty of holiday cooking and cheer but no stress over buying gifts and things like that. Of course, up until this Thanksgiving, The Monkey and I had never been quite so broke. (Financially, I mean. As a married couple we are a well oiled machine most days.) It is rough having to be tight fisted. Not being able to go out and buy stuff on a whim. Or, more accurately, in a manic frenzy. I don't even have credit cards to fuel that anymore. Which is probably a good thing.

Speaking of mania that's exactly what I was when I went to see my new pdoc yesterday. Utterly and completely manic. The drive to D-Town was fascinating (and the drive home even moreso... did you know that long strings of headlights in the dark look a lot like Christmas lights??). I was already positively giddy when I bounded into Starbucks and ordered my Caramel Brulee Latte. I could hardly keep still while I sat in the pdoc's waiting room for almost two hours. This doctor has some kind of thing for peacocks. The waiting room was completely decked out in peacocks. I didn't find this at all odd until I went to the bathroom (too much caffeine!) and found that it too was decorated in peacocks! Complete with a really busy wallpaper. When the nurse finally took me back into a room it TOO was decorated in peacocks. I literally could NOT contain my laughter. When the nurse came in to "interview" me I giggled about the doctor's affinity for peacocks. She laughed too and then showed me their Christmas tree decorations. ALL PEACOCKS. Cue hysterics! I finally stopped laughing long enough to answer all of her questions. I'm not sure if she was entertained or annoyed by all of my side stories. It's, uh, a bit difficult to stay on track when you're manic. (Which is why I hardly ever write anything until after I've come down a bit. Things come out way too...jumbled. A hundred half-finished thoughts in ten seconds. It aren't pretty.) When she left I kicked myself. I was so busy trying to remember everything that I'd left out two BIG BIG parts of my mental health history: my previous self-injurious behavior and my binge/purge...uh...thing. I did tell the pdoc when he finally came in, though.

Once all was said and done, the doc gave me some Prozac (to help with the more frequent depressive episodes) and some Restoril for sleep. I've taken both; I had no real issues with either. (Well, except that one time when I OD'd on Restoril and the fact tha Prozac did cause SSRI-induced mania. But the OD was eight years ago when I was single and wanted very much to die; and the mania problem was all because my previous pdoc didn't have me on any kind of mood stabilizer BEFORE adding the Prozac.) I go back in a month to see how things are going.

I have the distinct feeling that this is not over.

In the meantime I am going to focus on the upcoming stuff-yourself-to-bursting day. And my niece's SECOND birthday. (And try not to focus on the fact that our child would have been almost two, too.) And find THE recipe for Red Velvet Cake for my birthday. And baking Key Lime Cake for my sister's birthday. And celebrating Christmas/the solstice just The Monkey and me this year. (I am seriously considering getting totally sloshed on hard eggnog.) And hunting down some Godiva Chocolate Liqueur for my Chocolatinis for New Year's Eve.

Is 2009 really that close to being over??

Insanity, I tell you. Absolute insanity.