my day in bullets

- Wake up feeling good.
- Watch TV until 11:00. Feeling less good, but still okay.
- Try to get motivated to go run errands.
- Fail to get motivated to go run errands.
- Talk to sister about tentative PCS in December.
- Start to Panic about tentative PCS in December.
- Force conversation on unwilling husband about what we're going to do.
- Start feeling more panic.
- Get angry at husband for not being more motivated to get a job RIGHT NOW this very INSTANT.
- Feel doomed that husband is not going to find a job.
- Feel doomed that I'm not going to find a job either.
- Feel panic about having to find a job.
- Depression setting in.
- Start to feel hopeless about everything.
- Start to seriously think that killing myself is a viable (and better) option.
- Try to sleep it off.
- Wake up feeling worse.
- Contemplate filling my scrip for Xanax and taking the entire bottle.
- Fill scrip for Xanax.
- Bawl while talking to my husband about why it's better for all if I just kill myself.
- Sob and intermittently scream "I'm sorry!" to my distraught husband for nearly an hour and a half.
- Complain that I desperately need medication.
- Promise to call the County Health Department and inquire.
- Promise to look into filing for disability.
- Feel less depressed, or, at least, not as suicidal.
- Eat pizza for dinner.
- Purge pizza.
- Play Quizzy's Word Challenge on Webkinz until I've racked up 300 Kinzcash.
- Listen to Pink Floyd.
- Get showered and watch Season 2 of Buffy until I crash.

My days are becoming more and more like this one. My moods are ridiculously unstable and I'm the unfortunate soul that experiences short spurts of hypomania interspersed amongst much longer bouts of depression. Some of the depressions are more melancholic while others, like today, are severe and down right terrifying. Some hypomanic days are characterized by my desperate need to run "errands" (read: spend money) and scouring the Internet for information on random subjects as they zoom through my mind while others are filled with uncontrollable rage and sudden outbursts for no good reason.

I feel like a fucking ping pong ball on crack.

drawing a blank

I've found that my unemployed life is not so much better than my employed life. It's still ridiculously routine and horribly mundane. I do enjoy spending the extra time with my husband but I find myself waking in the morning and going "now what?" This isn't a feeling I particularly enjoy. I just don't know what to do with myself. I know that sounds cliché but I can't really think of any other way to put it.

Is it really possible that, at almost @28 years old, I still have no idea who I really am? I mean, really. Looking back, it seems I knew more about myself when I was @21 than I do now. How is that even remotely possible? Maybe I'm approaching an early mid-life crisis. Maybe I'm just fucked in the head. Both seem logical explanations for how I feel.

After spending five years on a crusade to become a mother and then suddenly halting all efforts, I just feel completely lost. How could I have let something with such uncertain results consume me? Define me, even? Maybe I've never really known who I am and maybe becoming a mom was a way to finally firmly define myself.

I spend so much time bemused by thoughts of what the outcome of my life is going to be. There's an underlying problem and that problem is the urge to self destruct. I began my self destructive behavior at a very young age and carried it, possibly, to a point of no return. This sounds strange, so let me explain. I had no ambitions in High School. I remember having some ambition as a @12 year old to write. And sometime around the 8th grade I suddenly had an ambition to become a pediatrician. But somewhere after the 8th grade, I just started to implode. And I've been on this slow-as-fuck self destruct sequence ever since. But I digress. I had no ambitions in High School to become anything. I didn't take my SAT's. I didn't talk to my counselor about colleges or careers. Then I got booted out of my High School in Germany and sent to Fort Knox to try and finish there. Eventually, I dropped out in favor of drinking and hanging out with my new degenerate "friends". Truth be told, I never expected to make it past @21, thus, I never planned for my future.

I guess it appears, on the surface, that I'm trying to make something of my life now. After all, I am pursuing a college degree, right? But there are times that I'm not even sure I want to work in IT for the rest of my life. Like I said, I can't really tell you what it is that I want to spend the rest of my life doing. When I was younger, I was too absorbed in the now to really think about the future (living in a constant state of suicidality does that to a person, you know) and now that I'm older I am afraid that I'm simply running out of time. I guess that's part of the reason I decided to pursue a degree in Information Technology. It's a widespread, ever growing industry and I knew the career and earning potential were there. (In all honesty, what I'd really love to do is just be a freelance web developer and work from home but I haven't the experience or the credibility to do so. It takes years of experience in coding to really earn any kind of money in web development. It's a very competitive field and you have to be the best of the best to just get a job doing web development, much less do freelance work. Still, this has been my pipe dream since I was @20 and introduced to the spectacular world of HTML.)

Like anyone else in this world, I just want to be (and stay) happy. But at this juncture, I am completely obvlivious as to what it's going to take to get me there.

hash slinging slasher

Mania sucks. Sometimes worse than depression. I don't get fun mania. No.. I get lovely mixed states or dysphoric mania. Complete with unjustifiable rage. Stupid shit has been pissing me off lately. Like REALLY grating my nerves. The sound of people chewing or even breathing. I mean, there is something seriously WRONG with that, isn't there? I've exploded about random shit several times in the past few days.

I need to start diligently looking for a job with medical benefits so I can go back to the pdoc. Because being off meds... it's not as fun as it looks.

how goes it, sunshine?

So I haven't updated in a month. I haven't updated properly in longer than a month. I guess I really don't have much to say lately.

Living with my sister is going remarkably well. Sure, it's not the ideal living situation, but it's working. Right now The Monkey and I aren't really actively looking for work. I know, shame on us, but we've been enjoying each other's company and The Monkey is drawing unemployment and it's enough to pay our bills so we've both had the "why bother" attitude towards work. It's like being on summer vacation! A vacation that will soon be ending because we do need to work and find our own place to live and get back to being responsible adults again.

One of my primary concerns right now is getting some kind of medical insurance for the two of us. I've never gone this long without medical insurance. I've pretty much stopped all my meds which isn't going as well as I'd hoped. I'd hoped that being minus the stress and anxiety from my job that meds wouldn't be such an issue. I was wrong. I have spent the last week or so pretty much down and out. I sleep a lot. (Which I always feel incredibly guilty for afterwards.) I don't miss being on Lithium. I doubt I'll go back on it when I do have medical coverage again. I'm having more mood swings lately. I guess that's all to be expected being off meds.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want out of life. I can't say that I'm completely satisfied with not having kids because that's not true. I still want children or, at least, one child. But I'm content enough waiting until I'm 30, I guess. No point in worrying over something I have no control over. I want a house. I want furniture to put in that house. I want a good job related to my field of study. I want my husband to get a good job that he's not miserable at. I want to pay off our cars and get rid of that little bit of debt. (For the most part, we are debt free. We only have one credit card that we're paying on and our cars. Other than that, we have student loans but that's it.) I want all of these seemingly achievable goals but it seems like it's going to take forever to get there.

I'm back in school also. At first, I'll admit, that I didn't want to keep going. After my biology course I felt drained. We had a two week break afterwards and it was heavenly not having to worry about classes and assignments and grades for that two weeks. But now that I'm back at it, it's kind of nice. At least I don't feel like a complete layabout. I'm taking Principles of Small Systems. It's a computer course and it's basically repeat of a course I took this time last year so it has been remarkably easy. My standing grade is a 100%. Of course, we are only in week three. I calculated my cumulative GPA recently and found that I have a 3.79 average. I have to have at least a 3.90 to graduate Summa Cum Laude so I'm hell bent on getting straight A's from now until graduation. If I do, I should walk with highest honors. I find myself daydreaming about graduation day. I didn't graduate high school so this will be my first time wearing a cap and gown. I'm looking forward to it. 20 more credit hours to go and I'm FINISHED! It seems like so much yet so little.

update, random style

Today I actually decided to get dressed after spending yesterday in my PJs. I needed the relaxing 'I don't give a fuck' day yesterday, though. At any rate, I got showered and dressed today. I had a new t-shirt I wanted to wear. It's black and says 'rockstar' across it and has Mickey Mouse in foiled rainbow colors on the front. So I asked my sister to do my eyes in rainbow colors today. They turned out wicked cute if I do say so myself.



And this is me today...

realizations

I babysat my niece for the first time today. It wasn't for long but it was fun. She slept for me so I didn't have to entertain her much. Then we went to my parents' house for supper and she got in the pool for the first time! She was so cute kicking her legs and propelling herself across the pool. She's such a doll.

Every day I become more and more okay with being Auntie Lissa and Uncle Tony for the rest of my life.

all moved in... wow

So we're all moved into my sister's garage. I can't believe we did it in less than a week. If it hadn't been for Monkey's brother we would've never made it. Thankfully he sacrificed some time with his daughter and brought her along to help us move. She's such a cutie and a joy to be around. Hopefully Monkey's brother will keep coming out to hang out with us. I guess we'll see.

In the mean time, life has gotten incredibly complicated. I knew it was going to happen but I lost my job. Not good timing but when is mental illness EVER "good timing" right? The anxiety attacks just got too bad to handle. I was almost hospitalized again.

So this is my life now and it's ending one nanosecond at a time. But here are some pictures of our wannabe studio apartment in Southheat... I mean Southeast Alabama. So far, it's really not so bad. My brother in law is really enforcing privacy on the kids and has them knocking before coming in. We flipped the door knob around so now we have the locking mechanism on our side. Looks like our sex life won't be taking a nose dive after all. :P