The holidays commenced with mostly a minimal amount of madness this year. Christmas was a bit of a let down. Even though I thought that I'd mentally prepared myself to spend the holiday just The Monkey and me, it turned out to be very difficult. I spent a good deal of Christmas Eve night and Christmas day crying. Er...sobbing. Boo hoo. I don't think it would've been quite so depressing if The Monkey hadn't had a sudden recurrance of his sciatica. It was so bad that he was incapacitated. Eventually I convinced him (and myself) that he needed medical attention. We drove out to the medical center (which is about 45 minutes away) to the ER. We chose to do this instead of going to our local hospital because we know the type of ER care our hospital gives and it's NOT what we were looking for. As it turned out, however, we wasted the extra money in gas because the medical center was just as bad! If not worse. The on call doctor refused to call the on call MRI staff (seeing as how it was Christmas and all) and sent The Monkey home with NO medication. He got three shots in the butt before he left: a steroid, a pain killer, and a muscle relaxer. But that wasn't after the on call ER doc practically drilled him about his prescription drug use. (She was very accusatory with her line of questioning asking him how often our GP prescribes him Lortab for pain; how often he takes it... blah blah blah.) The Monkey was being very polite until I jumped in and told her very sternly that the prescription he was currently taking for pain was nearly a year old and that he almost NEVER takes pain killers if he can help it. It would be one thing if he even looked a little like he was faking it. But, I'm sorry, you can NOT "fake" a significant rise in BP (like 20+ points) or a crazy fast heart rate. He was in a LOT of pain! At any rate, the medication they gave him either did him some good or the rest and massages and stretching we did at home did him some good. Either way, on the 26th he was completely mobile again. He isn't in pain anymore, so to speak. His back no longer hurts and neither does his butt or his leg; but his calf and parts of his right foot are tingly/numb. We know it's a low back nerve issue. We are working on getting him setup for an MRI.
So, yeah, Christmas pretty much sucked. But it's just another day on the calendar, right? I certainly can't let one day (regardless of it's cultural or religious significance) ruin an entire year. 2009 certainly wasn't, by any means, a horrible year. It was full of some ups and downs (what year isn't??) but over all, I think it was pretty darn good.
2009 certainly ended well. The Monkey, as I said before, went from being incapacitated by pain on Christmas to being almost completely normal for New Year's Eve. My sister and family came home from their vacation early so they were all here for New Year's Eve as well. I have to say I was quite happy that they cut their vacation short. As selfish as that may sound! At any rate, we hung out over at my mom and dad's for th evening. We'd brought our X-Box and stuff over their house for Christmas Eve but didn't get to play it because we wound up staying at home. But we did play it on New Year's Eve and it was a lot of fun. I had a few Mike's Spiced Apple (YUM!!) and a couple of weak rum and Cokes. I can't really drink much alcohol these days. Not only do I not drink often so I've become quite the lightweight. Not to mention several of my daily medications interact with alcohol (read: I get drunker WAY faster) so just a few drinks does me in pretty quick. Which is actually kind of nice. I'm definitely a cheap bar date! Anyhow, we rang in the New Year playing pool and having a good time. We left shortly after midnight and came home to sleep.
Speaking of SLEEP... the most exciting part of 2009 happened on New Year's Eve. The Monkey and I actually slept together in the same bed all night!! We haven't slept in the same bed for three years because his snoring was just that bad. I finally bit the bullet and jumped through a dozen hoops to get him set up with a CPAP machine. The first night was horrific because his pressure setting was WAY too low and he felt like he was suffocating. But now that we have that fixed I don't even have to fight with him to put the darn thing on! We woke up early this weekend for our usual routine of cuddling and early morning nookie. Afterwards I fell back asleep. And he did as well. Imagine my surprise when I woke up and saw that he'd put his mask back on to do so! He can certainly tell the difference in how he feels. And WOW... so can I! He already has much more energy. He's been sitting down to play video games (both WoW and X-Box) without falling asleep during. I took more naps this weekend than he did! It has been absolutely incredible and I only wish we'd known years ago how good one of these machines would be for him! I have a feeling that he'll start losing weight easier now that his body is getting recouperative rest. We are both looking forward to being healthier and happier in 2010; even moreso than we were in 2009. (In fact, I've set my sights on a NEW weight loss goal. I lost a total of 33 pounds in 2009 -- about seven pounds short of my goal. My new goal for 2010 is to lose at least another 30. Definitely more if I can manage!)
So alls well that ends well. Now I'm going to go crawl into bed with my husband and go to sleep.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
holiday cheer
I am ready for Christmas. Well except for buying the kids' gifts. But they won't be back until New Year's Eve at the earliest so I have a couple of extra days. Otherwise I am completely ready. Tomorrow night we are going to take the X-Box over to my parents' house and probably rent The Beatles Rock Band. I have a quart of Dairy Fresh Eggnog in the fridge and will be going to ABC Liquors to get a bottle of spiced rum to add to it. I am also going to make some more mulled wine (my mom LOVED it) and I have a six pack of Mike's Spice Apple as well. Good times are sure to be had.
Life is pretty unspectacular and good all at the same time. We still have yet to put things back together after our recent flooding but we're not going to worry about it until this weekend. It's supposed to rain tomorrow and I would hate to put everything back together tomorrow only to have to tear it back apart again. Since we had to get rid of all the carpeting all we have is a bare concrete floor. Which, granted, might be nice in the summer time but not so much in the winter. We're going to check Lowe's and a few other flooring stores for scrap carpet. We are not doing wall-to-wall this time because that has proved to be a serious hassle.
My very last car payment is due on January 2nd. I cannot even begin to express how happy I am about this! Then The Monkey's last payment is in February. So we'll officially OWN two cars! w00t w00t! One of these days we're going to have to look at getting The Monkey's bumper fixed. (A friend was rear-ended in Panama City back in November 2005. We got the settlement money and, uh, spent it on other things. Seeing how it was November we probably spent it on Christmas. :P)
During the month of October I managed to gain a good eight pounds. I was back up to 217! Thankfully that weight has slowly but surely come off over the past two months. Now I am down to my lowest in years... 207!! If anyone has any ideas for me to drop seven pounds in about a week I would love to hear it. :P (I'm not really considering trying this. I expect that I'll actually gain a few pounds over Christmas and New Years since I plan on drinking.) But seeing as how I'm less than 10 pounds from meeting my weight loss goal for 2009 I won't beat myself up too much!
Having this big ol' house to ourselves is a bit strange. Definitely lonely without my sister and the kiddos. But the quiet is kind of nice. Who doesn't enjoy a bit of peace and quiet once in a while after all?? (Well as peacful and quiet as it can be with five cats and a dog in the house!)
And now I am going to go get dressed and head out to get my eyebrows waxed. Then I will come back home and do my makeup. Trying to figure out what to make for supper. A pot roast sounds good. But, then again, so does meatloaf. Decisions decisions...
Life is pretty unspectacular and good all at the same time. We still have yet to put things back together after our recent flooding but we're not going to worry about it until this weekend. It's supposed to rain tomorrow and I would hate to put everything back together tomorrow only to have to tear it back apart again. Since we had to get rid of all the carpeting all we have is a bare concrete floor. Which, granted, might be nice in the summer time but not so much in the winter. We're going to check Lowe's and a few other flooring stores for scrap carpet. We are not doing wall-to-wall this time because that has proved to be a serious hassle.
My very last car payment is due on January 2nd. I cannot even begin to express how happy I am about this! Then The Monkey's last payment is in February. So we'll officially OWN two cars! w00t w00t! One of these days we're going to have to look at getting The Monkey's bumper fixed. (A friend was rear-ended in Panama City back in November 2005. We got the settlement money and, uh, spent it on other things. Seeing how it was November we probably spent it on Christmas. :P)
During the month of October I managed to gain a good eight pounds. I was back up to 217! Thankfully that weight has slowly but surely come off over the past two months. Now I am down to my lowest in years... 207!! If anyone has any ideas for me to drop seven pounds in about a week I would love to hear it. :P (I'm not really considering trying this. I expect that I'll actually gain a few pounds over Christmas and New Years since I plan on drinking.) But seeing as how I'm less than 10 pounds from meeting my weight loss goal for 2009 I won't beat myself up too much!
Having this big ol' house to ourselves is a bit strange. Definitely lonely without my sister and the kiddos. But the quiet is kind of nice. Who doesn't enjoy a bit of peace and quiet once in a while after all?? (Well as peacful and quiet as it can be with five cats and a dog in the house!)
And now I am going to go get dressed and head out to get my eyebrows waxed. Then I will come back home and do my makeup. Trying to figure out what to make for supper. A pot roast sounds good. But, then again, so does meatloaf. Decisions decisions...
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
the rain, rain can bite my rear end!
It has been incredibly wet the past couple of weeks. We had a lot of rain last the Wednesday before last. To our dismay, water got into the garage (aka our living space). We were thankful, however, that it wasn't anywhere near as bad as the incident back in March.
Sunday morning whilst cuddling with The Monkey in bed, our fat cat jumped up with us for some lovin' (he was probably just hungry) and I noticed immediately that his feet were soaking wet. We jumped out of bed and, sure enough, it had flooded again. UGH. But, once again, it wasn't nearly as bad as it was in March. (Though it was worse than the incident a couple of weeks ago.)
We were completely convinced that it was coming in from under the garage door. We weren't exactly right but we were close (it was coming in between the brick and the door frame). At any rate, I rushed to Lowe's to find something that would seal off the crack and hoped that would be the end of our flooding woes.
No such luck. Not at all.
At about 4:00 PM the rain started to fall heavy. It wasn't long before water was just gushing in by the door. We hooked up the Shop-Vac (which doubles as a 'sump pump' as well) and started sucking up the water as it came in. It was working just fine until my sister noticed that water was starting to come in from the back wall. That is where it came in from the first time (from a crack in the floor along the wall). We'd patched it back in April with some liquid concrete sealant stuff. For the most part the patching worked. Perhaps a bit too well because even though it was still seeping in (and rather quickly I might add) the sealing we did slowed it down enough to allow it to rise high enough to get into my sister's house. I feel awful. Even though it's not directly our fault. At any rate, about half of her downstairs den was sopping wet. Carpet and padding and everything. My dad came over and we dug trenches and put down tarps in the pouring rain. We were all soaking wet and completely covered in mud. In the meantime the garage got a good four inches of water. It wasn't standing because it is at enough of a slant that it ran out the door but it was enough to float something small. A golf ball perhaps?
After the rain slowed The Monkey and I cut up and removed all of the carpet (which was also sopping wet) and hauled it outside. Then we rearranged all of the furniture the best we could at the only (very small) spot that has seemed to stay mostly dry. In the process we found ANOTHER leak in the floor. Yay. Once we got that done my sister started hacking at the patching we did in April with a chisel and hammer. As soon as she busted through that stuff and yanked it up water came bubbling out. It looked like a fountain! The Monkey and I did as much squeegeeing as we possibly could. The rain has slowed to a drizzle but we're supposed to get rain this morning sometime around 4:00 AM. Yay again. Then it's supposed to rain all day.
Thankfully I talked to The Monkey's boss and he has tomorrow off so I won't be fighting the flood waters alone. In the meantime we are just trying to figure out what we can do to fix the underlying problem. At this point we are not sure what the problem is. Whether it's a crack in the wall under the house or possibly a foundation leak. Either way, my sister's home owners' insurance does NOT cover flooding.
And I ask... this crap couldn't have waiting until AFTER Christmas?!? UGH UGH UGH.
And now I am going to take my aching body to bed. I am sure to fall out rather quickly (I hope). We are in for a long day tomorrow, that is for sure.
Sunday morning whilst cuddling with The Monkey in bed, our fat cat jumped up with us for some lovin' (he was probably just hungry) and I noticed immediately that his feet were soaking wet. We jumped out of bed and, sure enough, it had flooded again. UGH. But, once again, it wasn't nearly as bad as it was in March. (Though it was worse than the incident a couple of weeks ago.)
We were completely convinced that it was coming in from under the garage door. We weren't exactly right but we were close (it was coming in between the brick and the door frame). At any rate, I rushed to Lowe's to find something that would seal off the crack and hoped that would be the end of our flooding woes.
No such luck. Not at all.
At about 4:00 PM the rain started to fall heavy. It wasn't long before water was just gushing in by the door. We hooked up the Shop-Vac (which doubles as a 'sump pump' as well) and started sucking up the water as it came in. It was working just fine until my sister noticed that water was starting to come in from the back wall. That is where it came in from the first time (from a crack in the floor along the wall). We'd patched it back in April with some liquid concrete sealant stuff. For the most part the patching worked. Perhaps a bit too well because even though it was still seeping in (and rather quickly I might add) the sealing we did slowed it down enough to allow it to rise high enough to get into my sister's house. I feel awful. Even though it's not directly our fault. At any rate, about half of her downstairs den was sopping wet. Carpet and padding and everything. My dad came over and we dug trenches and put down tarps in the pouring rain. We were all soaking wet and completely covered in mud. In the meantime the garage got a good four inches of water. It wasn't standing because it is at enough of a slant that it ran out the door but it was enough to float something small. A golf ball perhaps?
After the rain slowed The Monkey and I cut up and removed all of the carpet (which was also sopping wet) and hauled it outside. Then we rearranged all of the furniture the best we could at the only (very small) spot that has seemed to stay mostly dry. In the process we found ANOTHER leak in the floor. Yay. Once we got that done my sister started hacking at the patching we did in April with a chisel and hammer. As soon as she busted through that stuff and yanked it up water came bubbling out. It looked like a fountain! The Monkey and I did as much squeegeeing as we possibly could. The rain has slowed to a drizzle but we're supposed to get rain this morning sometime around 4:00 AM. Yay again. Then it's supposed to rain all day.
Thankfully I talked to The Monkey's boss and he has tomorrow off so I won't be fighting the flood waters alone. In the meantime we are just trying to figure out what we can do to fix the underlying problem. At this point we are not sure what the problem is. Whether it's a crack in the wall under the house or possibly a foundation leak. Either way, my sister's home owners' insurance does NOT cover flooding.
And I ask... this crap couldn't have waiting until AFTER Christmas?!? UGH UGH UGH.
And now I am going to take my aching body to bed. I am sure to fall out rather quickly (I hope). We are in for a long day tomorrow, that is for sure.
Friday, November 20, 2009
do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around...
I started this really inspired entry a couple of weeks ago about the month of November. It was really heart felt. And did I mention inspired? Sadly my inspiration comes in spurts and I wasn't able to finish before I'd gotten side tracked. And I can't remember what I was going to say anyway.
November is an ideal month. Because it has a bonafide holiday for which all of my family members have a paid day off. There is plenty of holiday cooking and cheer but no stress over buying gifts and things like that. Of course, up until this Thanksgiving, The Monkey and I had never been quite so broke. (Financially, I mean. As a married couple we are a well oiled machine most days.) It is rough having to be tight fisted. Not being able to go out and buy stuff on a whim. Or, more accurately, in a manic frenzy. I don't even have credit cards to fuel that anymore. Which is probably a good thing.
Speaking of mania that's exactly what I was when I went to see my new pdoc yesterday. Utterly and completely manic. The drive to D-Town was fascinating (and the drive home even moreso... did you know that long strings of headlights in the dark look a lot like Christmas lights??). I was already positively giddy when I bounded into Starbucks and ordered my Caramel Brulee Latte. I could hardly keep still while I sat in the pdoc's waiting room for almost two hours. This doctor has some kind of thing for peacocks. The waiting room was completely decked out in peacocks. I didn't find this at all odd until I went to the bathroom (too much caffeine!) and found that it too was decorated in peacocks! Complete with a really busy wallpaper. When the nurse finally took me back into a room it TOO was decorated in peacocks. I literally could NOT contain my laughter. When the nurse came in to "interview" me I giggled about the doctor's affinity for peacocks. She laughed too and then showed me their Christmas tree decorations. ALL PEACOCKS. Cue hysterics! I finally stopped laughing long enough to answer all of her questions. I'm not sure if she was entertained or annoyed by all of my side stories. It's, uh, a bit difficult to stay on track when you're manic. (Which is why I hardly ever write anything until after I've come down a bit. Things come out way too...jumbled. A hundred half-finished thoughts in ten seconds. It aren't pretty.) When she left I kicked myself. I was so busy trying to remember everything that I'd left out two BIG BIG parts of my mental health history: my previous self-injurious behavior and my binge/purge...uh...thing. I did tell the pdoc when he finally came in, though.
Once all was said and done, the doc gave me some Prozac (to help with the more frequent depressive episodes) and some Restoril for sleep. I've taken both; I had no real issues with either. (Well, except that one time when I OD'd on Restoril and the fact tha Prozac did cause SSRI-induced mania. But the OD was eight years ago when I was single and wanted very much to die; and the mania problem was all because my previous pdoc didn't have me on any kind of mood stabilizer BEFORE adding the Prozac.) I go back in a month to see how things are going.
I have the distinct feeling that this is not over.
In the meantime I am going to focus on the upcoming stuff-yourself-to-bursting day. And my niece's SECOND birthday. (And try not to focus on the fact that our child would have been almost two, too.) And find THE recipe for Red Velvet Cake for my birthday. And baking Key Lime Cake for my sister's birthday. And celebrating Christmas/the solstice just The Monkey and me this year. (I am seriously considering getting totally sloshed on hard eggnog.) And hunting down some Godiva Chocolate Liqueur for my Chocolatinis for New Year's Eve.
Is 2009 really that close to being over??
Insanity, I tell you. Absolute insanity.
November is an ideal month. Because it has a bonafide holiday for which all of my family members have a paid day off. There is plenty of holiday cooking and cheer but no stress over buying gifts and things like that. Of course, up until this Thanksgiving, The Monkey and I had never been quite so broke. (Financially, I mean. As a married couple we are a well oiled machine most days.) It is rough having to be tight fisted. Not being able to go out and buy stuff on a whim. Or, more accurately, in a manic frenzy. I don't even have credit cards to fuel that anymore. Which is probably a good thing.
Speaking of mania that's exactly what I was when I went to see my new pdoc yesterday. Utterly and completely manic. The drive to D-Town was fascinating (and the drive home even moreso... did you know that long strings of headlights in the dark look a lot like Christmas lights??). I was already positively giddy when I bounded into Starbucks and ordered my Caramel Brulee Latte. I could hardly keep still while I sat in the pdoc's waiting room for almost two hours. This doctor has some kind of thing for peacocks. The waiting room was completely decked out in peacocks. I didn't find this at all odd until I went to the bathroom (too much caffeine!) and found that it too was decorated in peacocks! Complete with a really busy wallpaper. When the nurse finally took me back into a room it TOO was decorated in peacocks. I literally could NOT contain my laughter. When the nurse came in to "interview" me I giggled about the doctor's affinity for peacocks. She laughed too and then showed me their Christmas tree decorations. ALL PEACOCKS. Cue hysterics! I finally stopped laughing long enough to answer all of her questions. I'm not sure if she was entertained or annoyed by all of my side stories. It's, uh, a bit difficult to stay on track when you're manic. (Which is why I hardly ever write anything until after I've come down a bit. Things come out way too...jumbled. A hundred half-finished thoughts in ten seconds. It aren't pretty.) When she left I kicked myself. I was so busy trying to remember everything that I'd left out two BIG BIG parts of my mental health history: my previous self-injurious behavior and my binge/purge...uh...thing. I did tell the pdoc when he finally came in, though.
Once all was said and done, the doc gave me some Prozac (to help with the more frequent depressive episodes) and some Restoril for sleep. I've taken both; I had no real issues with either. (Well, except that one time when I OD'd on Restoril and the fact tha Prozac did cause SSRI-induced mania. But the OD was eight years ago when I was single and wanted very much to die; and the mania problem was all because my previous pdoc didn't have me on any kind of mood stabilizer BEFORE adding the Prozac.) I go back in a month to see how things are going.
I have the distinct feeling that this is not over.
In the meantime I am going to focus on the upcoming stuff-yourself-to-bursting day. And my niece's SECOND birthday. (And try not to focus on the fact that our child would have been almost two, too.) And find THE recipe for Red Velvet Cake for my birthday. And baking Key Lime Cake for my sister's birthday. And celebrating Christmas/the solstice just The Monkey and me this year. (I am seriously considering getting totally sloshed on hard eggnog.) And hunting down some Godiva Chocolate Liqueur for my Chocolatinis for New Year's Eve.
Is 2009 really that close to being over??
Insanity, I tell you. Absolute insanity.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
EPIC FAIL, Congress
I'm not huge on political issues. I kind of like to be mostly oblivious because the news SERIOUSLY stresses me out. I watch the news and I can't sleep for two days because I'm plagues with worry. If a nuclear holocaust is in the works, I'd rather be oblivious, I think.
But the Health Care Reform is something I've kept tabs on. And I spent the entire day today watching C-Span and vehemently arguing with the Democrats and, for the first time in my life, cheering the GOP.
I can't get behind a government run health care system. If I'd wanted to live in a socialist nation I would've renounced my US citizenship, learned German, and applied for German citizenship. I grew up there, after all.
But seriously? A bill that backs abortion but is going to deem infertility treatment as "unnecessary" medical procedures (something that has already been said about PGD and other tests involved with IVF)? A bill that is costly and really accomplishes NOTHING that America really needs? A bill that is going to have taxpayers paying for health care for illegal immigrants?!?
I am so livid I can't even think straight.
And this is why I so rarely watch the news.
This is asinine. I still have hope that the Senate will shoot this down.
But the Health Care Reform is something I've kept tabs on. And I spent the entire day today watching C-Span and vehemently arguing with the Democrats and, for the first time in my life, cheering the GOP.
I can't get behind a government run health care system. If I'd wanted to live in a socialist nation I would've renounced my US citizenship, learned German, and applied for German citizenship. I grew up there, after all.
But seriously? A bill that backs abortion but is going to deem infertility treatment as "unnecessary" medical procedures (something that has already been said about PGD and other tests involved with IVF)? A bill that is costly and really accomplishes NOTHING that America really needs? A bill that is going to have taxpayers paying for health care for illegal immigrants?!?
I am so livid I can't even think straight.
And this is why I so rarely watch the news.
This is asinine. I still have hope that the Senate will shoot this down.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
this is what happens
When depression hits as hard as it has in the past month, things stop getting done. Important things like laundry and scooping the litter boxes. There have been a couple days where I've realized late in the afternoon (sometimes the evening) that I've forgotten to feed the cats.
For the past two weeks The Monkey has had to scrounge for work clothes. I did wash and dry all of the clothes last weekend but I didn't really fold them. And I certainly didn't put anything away (who could be bothered??). So my poor Monkey has had to deal with ironing this week. (Normally he can toss his khakis and a polo into the dryer for a few minutes to "dewrinkle" them.) And searching through heaps of clothes for two matching socks and clean underwear.
Guilt, guilt, guilt.
And so today, the guilt has overtaken the depression momentarily. I've decided that today, I will finish the laundry if it kills me. I will scoop the litter boxes. I will vaccuum and take out the trash. I draw the line at making the bed, though. Pshaw. (And I did remember to feed and water the cats this morning; just so we're clear that I'm not starving my furbabies to death.)
In the mean time, I am babysitting my niece. It's kind of incredible that she is already turning TWO this month. She's a good girl (albeit very spoiled and sometimes rotten). I have to bribe her to get kisses and sometimes she is flat out mean to me for no reason at all. But I guess that's just a toddler for you. My oldest niece was the same way at this age. My nephews, on the other hand, were always loveable to me. So it must be a girl thing.
My whacked out hormones combined with my depression-fueled over eating has caused me to pack on a good 10 pounds. My new jeans are snug. My muffin top is harder to conceal. My face is a LOT fuller. I really and truly need to get back on track with losing weight. I still have two months to meet my resolution/weight loss goal for 2009. I'm toying with the idea of signing us up for Weight Watchers while we still have Cigna insurance. (Cigna offers a discount on Weight Watchers but on January 1st our insurance changes to Blue Cross Blue Shield.) The Monkey is on board for it as long as we don't, you know, fork out the money and then diet for a week or two and quit. Perhaps I'll do some research today in between loads of laundry.
I haven't cooked supper in weeks. So yesterday I went and picked up all of the ingredients to make Philly Cheese Steaks and Tater Tots. We'll see if my Yankee blood shines through.
For the past two weeks The Monkey has had to scrounge for work clothes. I did wash and dry all of the clothes last weekend but I didn't really fold them. And I certainly didn't put anything away (who could be bothered??). So my poor Monkey has had to deal with ironing this week. (Normally he can toss his khakis and a polo into the dryer for a few minutes to "dewrinkle" them.) And searching through heaps of clothes for two matching socks and clean underwear.
Guilt, guilt, guilt.
And so today, the guilt has overtaken the depression momentarily. I've decided that today, I will finish the laundry if it kills me. I will scoop the litter boxes. I will vaccuum and take out the trash. I draw the line at making the bed, though. Pshaw. (And I did remember to feed and water the cats this morning; just so we're clear that I'm not starving my furbabies to death.)
In the mean time, I am babysitting my niece. It's kind of incredible that she is already turning TWO this month. She's a good girl (albeit very spoiled and sometimes rotten). I have to bribe her to get kisses and sometimes she is flat out mean to me for no reason at all. But I guess that's just a toddler for you. My oldest niece was the same way at this age. My nephews, on the other hand, were always loveable to me. So it must be a girl thing.
My whacked out hormones combined with my depression-fueled over eating has caused me to pack on a good 10 pounds. My new jeans are snug. My muffin top is harder to conceal. My face is a LOT fuller. I really and truly need to get back on track with losing weight. I still have two months to meet my resolution/weight loss goal for 2009. I'm toying with the idea of signing us up for Weight Watchers while we still have Cigna insurance. (Cigna offers a discount on Weight Watchers but on January 1st our insurance changes to Blue Cross Blue Shield.) The Monkey is on board for it as long as we don't, you know, fork out the money and then diet for a week or two and quit. Perhaps I'll do some research today in between loads of laundry.
I haven't cooked supper in weeks. So yesterday I went and picked up all of the ingredients to make Philly Cheese Steaks and Tater Tots. We'll see if my Yankee blood shines through.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
it was only a matter of time
My entire life has been punctuated by mood swings. Sometimes the swings were gradual and I'd slip slowly into a deepening depression. Other times the mood swings were quite violent. Jerking me (and anyone around me) back and forth between my whirlwind of manic mayhem and tarpits of despair.
And then there are the in between times. When I'm not depressed nor am I manic but I'm certainly not euthymic (that is, normal). Mixed states full of pent up, uncontrollable anger and relentless irritability. Those are the worst times. Because no one, not even I, ever knows what to expect.
I find it a bit ironic that Autumn and Winter are my favorite seasons. I love the changing weather. I'd much rather be bundled up under sweaters and long sleeved thermal tees than wearing tank tops and flip flops. (Some of this preference may, in fact, be due to my being overweight and uncomfortable with my appearance, though.) I have an affinity for knee-high socks and boots. Jeans and hooded sweatshirts. And here in Alabama we don't get long enough for me to indulge myself in thick, bundling layers of clothes. Halloween is, and always has been, my favorite holiday. And despite all that I love about this time of year, I can never seem to stave off the inevitable spiral into depression. Which is why I say it's ironic. Because I certainly don't enjoy being depressed.
For weeks I've wanted to do nothing more than crawl under a rock (or, more fittingly, my blanket) and hide. I try to tell myself that there are things to do. I need to do the laundry. I need to pay the bills. I need to go grocery shopping. I need to cook dinner. So I try to get up when The Monkey leaves for work (only to lie back down because I'm just too tired to stay awake at 6:00 AM). Then I try to get up at 8:00 because 8:00 seems like a reasonable enough time to start my day. Eventually 8:00 slips into 10:00 and 10:00 into 11:00 and 11:00 into noon and before I know it it's already 3:00 and almost time for The Monkey to be home from work. And so what's the use in trying to start my day now when it's already over anyway.
But there is still so much to do.
The pdoc I've been seeing since this time last year is not covered under my insurance. The program I've been using is a program for the uninsured. They called me in to update all of my information and paperwork the other day which means they'll soon be asking for proof of income (or lack thereof) and I'll have to show that I am now insured and blah blah blah. It was good while it lasted. (I was getting my very expensive Lamictal for $5.00 a bottle.) In a way, I'm relieved. The pdoc I've been seeing has always been very unreceptive to my opinions on meds. She insisted that I take Zyprexa (nevermind that I had much better results with Abilify). It took me months of being on Lithium and insisting that it wasn't working for her to FINALLY try me out on Lamictal. And she refused to give me a sleep aid and insisted that I take the Zyprexa to help me sleep instead. (Nevermind that I'd rather NOT sleep than take Zyprexa.) So I made an appointment with a new pdoc. A friend of ours uses this doc (her husband and son both see him). I'm not sure what I'm expecting. I know there's no "magical cure" for bipolar disorder. I know that, despite being medicated, I'll always have mood swings. But right now this depression is really relentless and I don't know how much more I can stand. So maybe it's time to supplement the Lamictal with another med. (Surely I didn't expect Lamictal to be my end all, cure all drug anyhow.)
[sigh] What's another horsey on the med-go-round anyway?
And then there are the in between times. When I'm not depressed nor am I manic but I'm certainly not euthymic (that is, normal). Mixed states full of pent up, uncontrollable anger and relentless irritability. Those are the worst times. Because no one, not even I, ever knows what to expect.
I find it a bit ironic that Autumn and Winter are my favorite seasons. I love the changing weather. I'd much rather be bundled up under sweaters and long sleeved thermal tees than wearing tank tops and flip flops. (Some of this preference may, in fact, be due to my being overweight and uncomfortable with my appearance, though.) I have an affinity for knee-high socks and boots. Jeans and hooded sweatshirts. And here in Alabama we don't get long enough for me to indulge myself in thick, bundling layers of clothes. Halloween is, and always has been, my favorite holiday. And despite all that I love about this time of year, I can never seem to stave off the inevitable spiral into depression. Which is why I say it's ironic. Because I certainly don't enjoy being depressed.
For weeks I've wanted to do nothing more than crawl under a rock (or, more fittingly, my blanket) and hide. I try to tell myself that there are things to do. I need to do the laundry. I need to pay the bills. I need to go grocery shopping. I need to cook dinner. So I try to get up when The Monkey leaves for work (only to lie back down because I'm just too tired to stay awake at 6:00 AM). Then I try to get up at 8:00 because 8:00 seems like a reasonable enough time to start my day. Eventually 8:00 slips into 10:00 and 10:00 into 11:00 and 11:00 into noon and before I know it it's already 3:00 and almost time for The Monkey to be home from work. And so what's the use in trying to start my day now when it's already over anyway.
But there is still so much to do.
The pdoc I've been seeing since this time last year is not covered under my insurance. The program I've been using is a program for the uninsured. They called me in to update all of my information and paperwork the other day which means they'll soon be asking for proof of income (or lack thereof) and I'll have to show that I am now insured and blah blah blah. It was good while it lasted. (I was getting my very expensive Lamictal for $5.00 a bottle.) In a way, I'm relieved. The pdoc I've been seeing has always been very unreceptive to my opinions on meds. She insisted that I take Zyprexa (nevermind that I had much better results with Abilify). It took me months of being on Lithium and insisting that it wasn't working for her to FINALLY try me out on Lamictal. And she refused to give me a sleep aid and insisted that I take the Zyprexa to help me sleep instead. (Nevermind that I'd rather NOT sleep than take Zyprexa.) So I made an appointment with a new pdoc. A friend of ours uses this doc (her husband and son both see him). I'm not sure what I'm expecting. I know there's no "magical cure" for bipolar disorder. I know that, despite being medicated, I'll always have mood swings. But right now this depression is really relentless and I don't know how much more I can stand. So maybe it's time to supplement the Lamictal with another med. (Surely I didn't expect Lamictal to be my end all, cure all drug anyhow.)
[sigh] What's another horsey on the med-go-round anyway?
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