it was only a matter of time

My entire life has been punctuated by mood swings. Sometimes the swings were gradual and I'd slip slowly into a deepening depression. Other times the mood swings were quite violent. Jerking me (and anyone around me) back and forth between my whirlwind of manic mayhem and tarpits of despair.

And then there are the in between times. When I'm not depressed nor am I manic but I'm certainly not euthymic (that is, normal). Mixed states full of pent up, uncontrollable anger and relentless irritability. Those are the worst times. Because no one, not even I, ever knows what to expect.

I find it a bit ironic that Autumn and Winter are my favorite seasons. I love the changing weather. I'd much rather be bundled up under sweaters and long sleeved thermal tees than wearing tank tops and flip flops. (Some of this preference may, in fact, be due to my being overweight and uncomfortable with my appearance, though.) I have an affinity for knee-high socks and boots. Jeans and hooded sweatshirts. And here in Alabama we don't get long enough for me to indulge myself in thick, bundling layers of clothes. Halloween is, and always has been, my favorite holiday. And despite all that I love about this time of year, I can never seem to stave off the inevitable spiral into depression. Which is why I say it's ironic. Because I certainly don't enjoy being depressed.

For weeks I've wanted to do nothing more than crawl under a rock (or, more fittingly, my blanket) and hide. I try to tell myself that there are things to do. I need to do the laundry. I need to pay the bills. I need to go grocery shopping. I need to cook dinner. So I try to get up when The Monkey leaves for work (only to lie back down because I'm just too tired to stay awake at 6:00 AM). Then I try to get up at 8:00 because 8:00 seems like a reasonable enough time to start my day. Eventually 8:00 slips into 10:00 and 10:00 into 11:00 and 11:00 into noon and before I know it it's already 3:00 and almost time for The Monkey to be home from work. And so what's the use in trying to start my day now when it's already over anyway.

But there is still so much to do.

The pdoc I've been seeing since this time last year is not covered under my insurance. The program I've been using is a program for the uninsured. They called me in to update all of my information and paperwork the other day which means they'll soon be asking for proof of income (or lack thereof) and I'll have to show that I am now insured and blah blah blah. It was good while it lasted. (I was getting my very expensive Lamictal for $5.00 a bottle.) In a way, I'm relieved. The pdoc I've been seeing has always been very unreceptive to my opinions on meds. She insisted that I take Zyprexa (nevermind that I had much better results with Abilify). It took me months of being on Lithium and insisting that it wasn't working for her to FINALLY try me out on Lamictal. And she refused to give me a sleep aid and insisted that I take the Zyprexa to help me sleep instead. (Nevermind that I'd rather NOT sleep than take Zyprexa.) So I made an appointment with a new pdoc. A friend of ours uses this doc (her husband and son both see him). I'm not sure what I'm expecting. I know there's no "magical cure" for bipolar disorder. I know that, despite being medicated, I'll always have mood swings. But right now this depression is really relentless and I don't know how much more I can stand. So maybe it's time to supplement the Lamictal with another med. (Surely I didn't expect Lamictal to be my end all, cure all drug anyhow.)

[sigh] What's another horsey on the med-go-round anyway?