my day in bullets

- Wake up feeling good.
- Watch TV until 11:00. Feeling less good, but still okay.
- Try to get motivated to go run errands.
- Fail to get motivated to go run errands.
- Talk to sister about tentative PCS in December.
- Start to Panic about tentative PCS in December.
- Force conversation on unwilling husband about what we're going to do.
- Start feeling more panic.
- Get angry at husband for not being more motivated to get a job RIGHT NOW this very INSTANT.
- Feel doomed that husband is not going to find a job.
- Feel doomed that I'm not going to find a job either.
- Feel panic about having to find a job.
- Depression setting in.
- Start to feel hopeless about everything.
- Start to seriously think that killing myself is a viable (and better) option.
- Try to sleep it off.
- Wake up feeling worse.
- Contemplate filling my scrip for Xanax and taking the entire bottle.
- Fill scrip for Xanax.
- Bawl while talking to my husband about why it's better for all if I just kill myself.
- Sob and intermittently scream "I'm sorry!" to my distraught husband for nearly an hour and a half.
- Complain that I desperately need medication.
- Promise to call the County Health Department and inquire.
- Promise to look into filing for disability.
- Feel less depressed, or, at least, not as suicidal.
- Eat pizza for dinner.
- Purge pizza.
- Play Quizzy's Word Challenge on Webkinz until I've racked up 300 Kinzcash.
- Listen to Pink Floyd.
- Get showered and watch Season 2 of Buffy until I crash.

My days are becoming more and more like this one. My moods are ridiculously unstable and I'm the unfortunate soul that experiences short spurts of hypomania interspersed amongst much longer bouts of depression. Some of the depressions are more melancholic while others, like today, are severe and down right terrifying. Some hypomanic days are characterized by my desperate need to run "errands" (read: spend money) and scouring the Internet for information on random subjects as they zoom through my mind while others are filled with uncontrollable rage and sudden outbursts for no good reason.

I feel like a fucking ping pong ball on crack.