living in the moment

I have a bad, bad tendency to live my life in moments. Not little, insignifcant moments but BIG and potentially life altering moments. Everything in between becomes dismissable. Which is a shame because life isn't always about the BIG moments.

I think this is why I don't write as much anymore. I don't really have anything to say unless something exciting is going on. And even then I find it difficult to write because I get so caught up that I sort of get lost for words.

The holidays are coming up. I am sad to think that we may truly have to hide under a rock. Or run away. So people don't buy us gifts and we aren't expected to buy anyone else gifts. Last year we didn't have the money but we had the credit and that is what we used. But as it stands, every single solitary credit card we have is maxed out. Or nearly maxed out. It's a very uncomfortable feeling. I miss the days when I was absolutely TERRIFIED of credit cards. I miss the days where I was totally and completely 100% debt free. Now I'm barely treading water with the credit cards. And my six month grace period on my student loans ends this month. Now I have to do a mad dash to call everyone and convince them that I am unable to pay my loans at this time and request a deferrment. Honestly, that's not the part that scares me. The part that scares me is the amount of interest $60,000 can accrue in a mere year's time. It almost makes me want to feign death. Does the government forgive student loan debt after you die? I am happy to say, however, that as of February 2010, we OWN two cars. Two cars that have been very reliable over the past five years. Let's hope they STAY that way.

I'm still finding it a bit hard to believe that another year is nearly over. I keep thinking of a former coworker that always used to tell me the older you get the quicker time seems to pass. I find that it becomes truer with every passing year. The Monkey and I are watching the kids for my sister this evening. They went to visit my sister's best friend in Georgia. (The family was there for a funeral and it's basically "right around the corner" so she went to show support.) Madison is growing up so quickly. It was getting close to her bedtime. She gave me a fit about putting clothes on (she, uh...likes being naked) but once she was in her jammies (which I tried to hype up as much as possible since they were new big girl jammies) she was fine. I sat with her in the glider and started scrolling through all the pictures on my phone. I have quite a few of my sister on there and every time we came to one I said "Who's that?" and she'd grin really big and say "Dada!" I couldn't help but laugh and say "No, that's MomMom." Then we'd come across a picture of me and she'd say "Oh! MomMom!" Once again, laughter and then correction. (She also called a picture of her Aunt Desirée 'MomMom' too.) I also have quite a few pictures of her in there. I came across one I took when I first got my phone (in late January) and was kind of amazed how much she's changed. And my GOSH how much hair she's gotten! I looked at a picture of her when she was about six months old she was SO bald. And she pretty much stayed that way until she was well over a year. But now.. it seems her hair is growing like wild fire. I kept brushing it out of her eyes to no avail. She needs a "pretties" in her hair to keep it out of her face but it's quite a feat getting her to keep any kind of bow, barette, or rubberband in her hair. She is cute as a button, though. We still can't decide what color her eyes are. They are definitely NOT the crystal-clear blue that my nephews and niece all have. But they are not the distinct green that my sister has, either. I think she's going to have eyes like mine. The kind that change color. All of my identification has 'blue' as my eye color but anyone that looks me in the eye will tell me they are more green. Ever since my sister found out she was pregnant with my oldest nephew I wanted her to have a green-eyed little girl. Maybe she finally does.

I've been on birth control for nearly two months now. I can't say I'm loving it. Having PCOS means my body chemistry is bass ackwards. The majority of women gain weight on the pill -- I've always lost weight. But not so much this time around. I'd like to go back on Yasmin but all of the FDA warnings and the class action suits have me scared. I'd prefer not to have a heart attack or stroke or DVT, thanks very much. But man this birth control pill is horrendous. I seem to be retaining a tremendous amount of water. I've gained about eight pounds. (Okay, some of that can easily be attributed to my less-than-desirable eating habits while in Pennsylvania, but come on already!) But I think the worst part of it has been the headaches and the incessantly aching BOOBS. I have never experienced this sort of soreness in the twins. EVER. They hurt so much that I sometimes flinch when The Monkey...uh...goes to play with them. :P It's ridiculous. The one good thing I have to say is my skin. Oh MAN does my skin look fabulous! I still have the stray pimple here and there (in fact, I'm nursing one on my chin at the moment) but the horrendous breakouts that I was having are a non-issue since I started taking the pill. It didn't even take a full pack to see the positive effects! So I'm kind of on the fence about the whole thing. I'm supposed to go back and see my RE to have all my levels rechecked and such. I think I'll talk to the nurse about a different type or brand.

I've taken a recent interest in serious cooking. I've been experimenting with a few of Alton Brown's recipes. I'm planning on trying out his Carrot Cake recipe for The Monkey's birthday cake. (Did you know that Carrot Cake is really more of a muffin than a cake? If not, now you do, and you should totally feel compelled to now have a slice of Carrot Cake for breakfast completely and totally guilt free.) Speaking of Pumpkin... oh... wait. Well, whatever. I'm craving a Pumpkin Spice Latte like crazy! I could get my "fix" right here at home if International Delights and Coffeemate would hurry up and flood the stores with the holiday creamers! Mmm... Gingerbread and Pumpkin Pie.

I feel a little better now. Having put some words to "paper" and have them actually make some sort of sense. And have them be about the more mundane aspects of my life rather than the BIG moments. One of these days I will take the time to resize and upload all of my pictures from our trip to Pennsylvania. I have a lovely one of my mom, dad, stepmom, brothers, sisters, and me together for the first time that I really need to post. But part of me feels obligated to explain why that picture is so incredibly special. I hardly speak of my childhood -- mostly because I don't remember much -- but at the very least I feel the need to explain how my family wound up the way it is.

The next "BIG MOMENT" in my life is the Metallica concert. I've never actually been to a concert. (Well, okay, I'll fess up to having been to a New Kids on the Block concert at age 10. Hey, it was sponsored by our church congregation. This is one of the funny things about my memory. I have almost no recollection of the concert itself. The one thing I do remember is when the pastor asked me in front of the entire church congregation what my favorite band was I instictively replied "New Kids on the Block" even though, at the time, my favorite band had to be Guns -N- Roses. Heh. Once a rocker, always a rocker, I guess.) The Metallica concert has me filled the brim with excitement. I've even had a few dreams about it. One I refuse to go into detail about because...er...it might make my husband jealous. And I would hate to see him have a change of heart about his favorite band of all time. The most recent was last night. I fell asleep listening to my iPod -- Metallica, of course -- and it lead to a dream about the actual concert. But just as it started to get good (I was making my way towards the stage) I was somehow back at home on the couch. And The Monkey walked in the door and started talking to me and all I could hear was LOUD music playing. Silly me...suddenly I remembered my earbuds and removed them. But I still couldn't hear what The Monkey was saying! I immediately started crying and panicking over losing my hearing because of a rock concert. Then I woke up. To loud music playing in my ears (No Leaf Clover). I pulled my actual earbuds out of my ears and was relieved that I could still hear. Oddly enough, The Monkey walked in the door right at that time, practically mirroring my dream. [Cue theme to The Twilight Zone]

Buying concert tickets is no easy task. Or, it wasn't for me. Why didn't anyone warn me about Service Fees?? I got all excited over a pair of tickets that were going to cost us $200 for damn good seats only to find out after I went to purchase them that with Service Fees and shipping it was going to cost $300. Eh. I wound up getting some really excellent seats (which I believe I posted about previously). Second [seated] row. Definitely not too shabby. Finding a hotel wasn't much easier. I was agonizing over a cheap hotel and driving to the arena and paying for parking or getting a hotel close to a MARTA stop so we'd only have to pay $8.00 for transportation to and from the arena. Ultimately, the fact that I am a big fat wussy made the decision for me. I booked a hotel near Hartfield Airport. It was relatively inexpensive. We won't have to venture into the city of Atlanta until we absolutely have to. It had excellent customer ratings. And it's only 12ish miles from Philips Arena. (After doing some reading, I decided that I did NOT want to be on public transit at 1:00 AM basically broadcasting TOURIST to every passerby. Especially since we wouldn't be able to carry anything defensive like mace. They don't allow those sorts of things in the concert venue.) I also wasn't keen on either walking to/from the hotel to/from the nearest MARTA station OR parking my car at the free lot at a MARTA station where it would be, for many hours, unattended and quite vulnerable. It would be my luck that some asshole would try to break in it or something. I hate the thought of the $20 parking fee for the garage at CNN Center but I guess it's a small price to pay for peace of mind.

And now that all of the important major details are in order, I can worry about the silly stuff. Like what to wear and how to do my makeup. And whether I or not I want to bring my camera (on which I have NOT mastered the night setting) or borrow my mom's or sister's. And if I do decide to borrow, will I need to look at possibly purchasing an extra memory card. (I would like to take a video clip or two.) Decisions, decisions. Right now the, uh, wardrobe and makeup are taking precedence. I know for sure it's going to be a 'jeans and t-shirt' kind of thing but my problem is what jeans and what shirt. But hey, I have three weeks to think about it, right?

it's official...

After three "gruelling" days of scouring the Internets, we finally settled on a pair of tickets for Metallica! We'll be in the SECOND ROW!! (Since we decided to go to the Atlanta show instead of the Tampa show, we got to spend a little more on tickets since we're saving money in gas/hotel.)

I am super excited! Going out of my mind, even! Only three weeks, three days to go! The Monkey's birthday is on the 26th. I'm planning on baking a carrot cake. Either that or German Chocolate cake. Because he's quite fond of both.

And, for your viewing pleasure... here is a look at what our seats for the concert will be like! We'll be in the row with the red Xs. Did I mention that I was EXCITED!?!

tear the map and shoot the sign*

My trip to Pennsylvania sort of did a number on our finances. I helped pay for food and gas. And I bought lottery tickets in every place that sold them (we didn't win, obviously). To be honest, I didn't do much erroneous shopping. I bought a couple of $5 tops at Old Navy along with a couple of tank tops. That went on my Old Navy card and cost me a whopping $25. (I wound up with four shirts and three tanks.) At any rate, once we got back home I went into a sort of funk. I didn't feel like doing much of anything which included grocery shopping and cooking. We ate out a lot for the first couple of weeks after I returned. Money down the drain. I hate eating out!

I priced Metallica tickets after I got back and really wasn't sure if I should purchase them. The Monkey has been pretty wishy washy about it, too. So I left Well Enough alone and hadn't thought about it at all for a couple of weeks.

Then, the other night, I had a crazy vivid dream starring...ehem...James Hetfield -- lead vocalist and rhythm guitarist for Metallica. It was an interesting dream. I'm not sure how my brain managed to concoct such vividry but the whole dream was full color, surround sound... the works. The best kind of dream.

When I woke up I immediately checked our bank account. We're not doing too shabby and The Monkey should get around a $200 bonus at the end of the month. I just can't see passing up this opportunity. I really can't. Metallica has been around for a long, long time. They've been inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. They are well within my top five favorite bands and The Monkey's favorite band of all time.

So, after a look at our account, I began scouring the Internet for the cheapest tickets humanly possible. The cheapest I could find were around $80 a piece. But there were a couple of problems with these tickets. When I first found out that they'd be [semi] local I told myself that I didn't care how crappy the seats were, I just wanted to go to a concert and see them live! The Monkey agreed. But after much careful research, I learned that St. Pete Times Forum (Tampa, FL) is, primarily, a sports arena. They host mostly hockey games from what I gather. For whatever reason (perhaps Metallica's sheer popularity) they are hosting the concert as an "in the round" setup. Meaning the stage will be positioned in the center of the arena floor. The major problem with that is not knowing which side of the stadium the band will be facing. It would really suck to be looking at the back of their heads for the entire show. Further research brought me to a nifty site called SeatData. The site gives you an estimated view from any given section of the venue. The tickets I priced were for Section 311 (read: nosebleeds). As you can see from the photo, the view is less than desirable. Not to mention we're still unsure whether or not we'll be on the "right side" of the venue.

GRR.

The Monkey has been fairly adament about going to see them on Saturday in Tampa, FL vs. Sunday in Atlanta, GA. Despite the fact that we'd only have to stay overnight ONE night vs. TWO nights. Despite the fact that Tampa is almost twice as far from us as Atlanta. All because he doesn't want to ask for a day off, especially a Monday.

Well I say to HELL with that. We can spend less money, total, if we go see them in Atlanta and still get MUCH better seats! So now I'm talking to A (The Monkey's boss) about giving him October 5th off so we can go. He's giving plenty of notice so I don't see why it would be a problem. And he has the leave time also.

It's becoming harder and harder to resist the urge to purchase tickets. I just cannot see passing up, what may very well be, the opportunity of a lifetime. Who knows if they'll release another album. And, if they do, who knows if they'll go on tour again? I'm especially excited after seeing what they've been playing at previous shows on this tour. It doesn't seem to be favored much, but I'm crossing my fingers that they'll play Fade to Black.

So provided The Monkey is able to get October 5th off, I think we'll definitely be going. Yes. And I am muchly excited!



*Metallica - Carpe Diem Baby

[insert long exasperated sigh]

My mood still isn't right. I just can't put my finger on it. I'm not overwhelmingly sad. I feel... flat. I don't feel like doing anything. Whatever.

I went to see my RE yesterday. I called them after my visit to the ER and they said I should be seen. Turns out their conclusion was identical to the ER's conclusion: pelvic inflammatory disease.

Color me stupid. PID is something people (myself included) almost always associate with STDs. And how on planet earth could I have gotten an STD?? I had a dream the night after the ER that The Monkey had cheated on me and given me an STD. And then he blatently told me he was tired of my "bullshit" and we were done. I woke myself up crying. And gave him the cold shoulder for part of the day. Haha.

But the nurse said with my "history" of problems that my endometrium probably grew out of control and I didn't have a proper period to get rid of all the tissue and fluid. And, basically, it got "backed up" and an infection ensued and then lots of horrible pain that I do not wish to experience ever again in my entire life. (I am not ashamed of the fact that if we ever do get pregnant that I will be planning on having an epidural. I really don't give a crap who thinks it's a "bad decision" because it's not their body and it won't be their kid so they can kiss my ass.)

Anyhow. The nurse said that should the pain continue I'd need to make an appointment with my RE directly so she could examine me herself and determine whether or not I'll need another lap in the near future. Or perhaps need to switch birth control pills. Or suppress my ovaries all together for the moment. (Not too keen on that last option.)

Infection is nothing to mess around with when it comes to the girly bits. Especially when my girly bits are already severely malfunctioning. So, despite the $100 copay that I have no means to pay (on top of The Monkey's $100 ER copay) I am glad I went to the ER.

For now, the pain has subsided. I started my new pack of birth control and, so far, have not had any of the twinges and cramps that I had with my last pack. So maybe that's a good sign.

I can't believe it's September already. I'm getting bummed because I don't think we're going to be able to afford Metallica tickets + gas to get to Tampa + a hotel for two nights. My parents are planning a Labor Day barbecue this Sunday. At least I have something to look forward to. I want to make some potato and macaroni salad. Sis is making baked beans. Mom and Dad are going to smoke a couple of Boston Butts and some ribs. And my dad's brother is going to bring fresh corn on the cob for the grill. Speaking of my dad's brother... he's been dating this woman for a while. She has a little boy... it's hard to judge how old he is because he's very small for his age but I think he's four going on five. The kid isn't potty trained yet. They really don't take good care of him. The live in a dilapidated trailer that has plywood floors and garbage everywhere. I don't think she works. My dad's brother is the "maintenance man" for this trailer park they live in (which is a deplorable area) and I'm not sure what he gets for it other than free rent for this barely liveable trailer. My dad tells me yesterday that she is pregnant. Not sure how far along but apparently she was already pregnant at our 4th of July barbecue. Not that you'd ever know because she was chain smoking her little cigars and drinking. So as if that's not bad enough, my mom tells me that the baby tested positive for trisomy 21. I can't believe this. They don't take care of the little boy she already has and now they are going to bring a special needs baby into this world into those living conditions?!?

I will never EVER as long as I live understand why people like them can procreate so easily and so many deserving couples can't conceive. It's not right.

So I'm going to try to put blinders on for the barbecue on Sunday. I'm really not keen on seeing a pregnant woman chain smoking cigarettes and gulping down booze. If you're selfish enough to get pregnant when you don't want to, at least have the decency to take care of yourself for fscks sake.

Whatever.

Now I need to go try and get motivated to shower and get dressed. I have to go see my pdoc to get a refill on my Lamictal. I think it's high time that I looked for another pdoc and a real therapist.

out of sorts

Ever since we got home from Pennsylvania I've felt off. The kind of depressed that doesn't have me hiding under my covers and/or crying uncontrollably but kind of going through the motions of what every day life entails. Oh, and I've been spending too much money; perhaps as an attempt to console myself.

It's really strange. The Lamictal has been really phenomenal. I've been pretty functional for months now. I get out of bed and I get a shower and I do my makeup. I run errands that need running. I do chores that need doing.

But ever since our trip, things have just kind of went to hell. I don't really see the point in doing anything so I sit around and do nothing.

It certainly didn't help matters when I sat around all weekend waiting for AF to show. I took my last active pill on Friday. On Monday, I started spotting. No big deal. By Monday night it was a full on period, but nothing too horrific. Thank the heavens for birth control. But then on Tuesday, all hell broke loose. I cannot adequately describe the pain I have been in since Tuesday morning. It started off pretty mild; a little worse-than-normal cramping. But by Tuesday night I was in agony. It felt like something needed to come OUT. The Monkey kept throwing me worried looks and asking if I needed to go to the ER. But our ER doctors here are so incompetent that I refused. I took a Motrin and a Lortab and after another hour of excruciating pain things seemed to die down. I was able to sleep for a couple of hours before needing another Lortab.

The pain woke me up early on Wednesday morning. I sat on the toilet clutching my stomach completely unsure of what to do. My sister took one look and me and said point blank that I was acting like I was in labor. She was afraid that I'd gotten pregnant somehow and was miscarrying. I knew it wasn't possible. Still, the pain was so intense that I had her drag me to the ER crying and trembling.

We spent the entire day there. They gave me several doses of Dilaudid which really didn't do much of anything for the pain. (It wasn't a constant pain, see. It was coming in "waves" which made my sister more concerned that it was like mock labor pains...hmm.) They did an ultrasound and I saw lots of "gunk" on the screen. I was sure that I was seeing clots and that my uterus was contracting trying desperately to pass the tissue. At one point, while in the shower, in a desperate moment of my own, I felt my cervix and found that I could easily fit my fingertip into my cervix. Which I have never been able to do. Ever. The ER doc sent me home with scrips for antibiotics since my white count was up. I'm going to see my RE on Monday for bloodwork and ultrasound. The ER gave me paperword about PID and now I'm terrified that I may have it. Though I don't see how.

Most likely this is the result of polyp regrowth. Possibly endo as well. I guess we'll see on Monday. I will be happy to start my new pack of birth control tomorrow, that is for sure.

Now I must lie down because Lortab makes me feel ill. But it's either be almost completely immobile and pain free or completely immobile and writhing in agony. :-/

Because 10 Years is a LONG time...

But 25 is even longer...

Here are a few pictures of our vacation/visit so far. We went to my dad's house on Wednesday and surprised him. He had NO clue we were coming. He thought my oldest sister (who lives here in PA) was visiting us down in Alabama. It was a fantastic night that words can't even begin to describe. First it was just my sisters and me with the kids. Then my brothers all showed up. All seven of us kids were together for the first time EVER. The four of us (my sisters, brother, and I) were together for the first time in 25 years. We're going to have professional portraits done on Sunday. Tomorrow is Dad's 60th birthday party -- also a surprise.



It's hard to see the look on Dad's face in this picture but trust me, it was one of complete and utter disbelief! :D



Sitting next to Daddy. I think he was still in shock. He was grinning from ear to ear the whole time.



All four of us with Mommy for the first time in 25 years.

17 hours is too much

What a long drive. I can't even describe it. I've done 12 hours but my what a difference five hours makes.

More later. I need to shower. But we are here safe and sound. I can't wait to surprise our dad for his 60th! He still has NO idea that we're here. :D