ride the walrus!

I've been riding a nice steady wave of mild hypomania for days. It broke briefly on my birthday during which I sobbed uncontrollably for an hour before pasting a fake smile on my face long enough for my husband, sister and family to sing me happy birthday and eat cake and icecream. I must say that it's a pleasant change from my 'norm' which tends more toward depressive states rittled with anxiety and aggression/irritibility.

I did something kinda, sorta stupid today. I went shopping. ACK! I had a nice time with my sister, though. I woke up super early (after only a few hours of sleep) and got dressed, primped and pressed for a day of shopping in Dothan. We hit up Target first (hooray for Starbucks!) and then we went to Kohl's, Walmart, Old Navy, and the mall. Honestly, as far as manic-fueled shopping sprees go, this one was pretty tame. I found some PJs on sale at Target, a car charger for my iPod for $5 bucks, and two three packs of Argyle socks for $6 bucks each at Target. I followed my sister around in Kohl's and managed to distract myself from their massive pre-Christmas everything sale (jewelry, clothes, and shoes... oh my!) by playing the hand-held game 20Q - TV Edition. In Walmart I found a pair of Happy Bunny fleece PJs but managed to talk myself out of them. In Old Navy - my infinite weakness because I love their clothes AND I have an Old Navy credit card - I managed to walk out only spending $10 on a really cute long-sleeved t-shirt. What can I say, it was on sale, and the last one they had and it just so happened to be in my size. It was totally meant to be, damnit! I was doing fabulously well controlling myself in the mall until we went into Pacific Sun. On the surface, it appears to be a skinny-girl store but their XL tops actually fit me! So, I wound up buying four v-neck long sleeved t-shirts there, too. They were only $6 bucks a piece so it really wasn't a horrible expenditure either. All in all, I spent around $55 bucks, total.

Try as I may, I have been completely unable to find a bathrobe ANYWHERE. I looked in Target, Walmart, Kohl's, JC Penney's, Old Navy, and Dillards and all I can manage to find are fleece house coats! UGH. I want a bathrobe made of terry cloth so I can throw it on right out of the shower while I'm still wet and use it as nature intended -- as a robe-shaped bath towel. My current bathrobe is falling apart and doesn't quite close around my body since I've gained about 20 pounds since Tony bought it for me. But whatever.

Shopping isn't quite finished. I didn't get any Christmas shopping done today, unfortunately. I think I'm going to buy my sister a couple of belly rings, my mom a couple of Urban Decay eyeshadows, my niece some pajamas (at her request), my nephew a DVD (The Dark Knight), my other nephew a Nirvana hoodie, The Monkey World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King and a new 60 game pass, Madison a toy or an outfit, and my dad a gift card. I'll have to consult with my sister to figure out something for my BIL. Oy.

In other news, I found a couple of my good friends from High School on Facebook yesterday! I was freaking ecstatic to finally get in touch with them after more than five years! I didn't have many friends in High School but the few that I did have were really wonderful and it's nice to be in touch with them after all these years.

Hmm. Time to go lie down and curl up under the covers. It's freaking COLD out tonight! Very windy with some rain. Not bad holiday weather for LA ('Lower Alabama'). Tomorrow is Friday (already!) and I need to buckle down and knock out my homework so I can clear my schedule for finals this coming week. Thank goodness we have a two week break after these classes! It's definitely needed.

I hope I can sleep tonight. I have a sneaking suspicion that my hypomanic 'wave' is being fueled by sleep deprivation. :-P

resolve: i want MY body back!

I look in the mirror these days and I am frightened at what stares back at me. PCOS really wreaks havoc on the body but, in truth, I know I haven't done much to stave off its effects. I have always, always been heavy. I remember being horribly self-concious as an early teen because I could easily fit into my mom's size 14 jeans. None of my friends could even dream of fitting into their mom's jeans. But, even being as overweight as I was, I always managed to carry my weight well. In fact, I've always been told that until recently.

I have horrible body image issues. They started at a very young age. I've always been quite round in my midsection, even as a young child. I remember my step-sister teasing me and calling me 'rolley polley' and 'fat back'. I don't have many memories from my childhood. Abuse, trama, yada yada. I blocked the majority of it out, I imagine, for self preservation sake. But I do have a few choice memories, most of which aren't very pleasant. One particular memory I have is of a camping trip we took in the summer of 1989. Or maybe it was 1990. I would've been 8 or 9 years old. My mom bought my sister and I matching bikini swimsuits. Hers was purple polka dots, mine was red. I distinctly remember feeling extremely awkward in my bikini. I remember thinking how inexplicably round my tummy was in comparison to my [six years older] sister's. Of course I didn't have boobs yet; another source of self-conciousness. To be honest, I was probably a [mostly] regular looking eight (or nine) year old. But I couldn't help but feel ugly; fat; different. I have been criticizing and scrutinizing my poor body ever since.

Things culminated in Junior High. Not only did I feel different, I was different. All of my friends and both of my sisters were shaped nicely with perky breasts and hour glass figures. I was cursed with broad shoulders, breasts that seemed to literally repel each other (I've never had much in the way of cleavage without some serious push-up bra action), a flabby, protruding stomach, and a double chin. I had a horrible wardrobe because of my size and shape. This was long before Plus Size was a common household term, mind you, and as a result, I bought most, if not all of my jeans from the men's section. I went through High School suffering the stigma of being overweight. I never dated; I was never asked to go to any dances. By my senior year I was somewhere around a size 20 and weighed in the 240 range.

In the years following High School I resolved to lose the weight that was holding me hostage in my own skin. I set a goal to get down to 145 pounds (my health weight for my height and bone structure) and I vowed that once the scale boasted that glorious number that I would finally be happy. It took me four years to do it but I finally did get the scale to say 145. Try as I may, I still couldn't force my brain to recognize the acheivement.



That was me at 145 pounds. A healthy, reasonable weight; wearing a clothing size FINALLY in the single digits.

I thought I was fat. Not just a little overweight or pudgy or even just a little soft and out of shape. No, I was fat and I was sure of it.

Looking in the mirror today it is abundantly clear that this was completely ludicrous; bordering on completely insane, even.

I really have no one but myself to blame for gaining every pound of weight I lost back; and then some. PCOS definitely plays a large factor. It's hard to get and stay motivated to lose weight when you put in an immense amount of effort and barely see any results. The perpetuating cycle of insulin resistance causing weight gain and making weight loss difficult but being worsened by being overweight is proof positive that Mother Nature can be a cruel, sadistic bitch. But I am determined to beat the bitch at her own game. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, but I know that I absolutely MUST get my body back.

I will stop at nothing.

potential new family member...

Yesterday my nephew came running into the house hollering. "Auntie Lissa! Are both of your cats in here??" He seemed really panicked which made me panic and start hunting for my cats. I found Olivia but William was nowhere in sight. The Monkey and I ran outside to find a cat up in one of the trees in the back yard. Thankfully, on the way to see said kitty, we saw our Fat Boy lounging in the window so both of our cats were, indeed, accounted for. Still, we went to rescue the kitty in the tree. She attempted to climb down to The Monkey but only made it part of the way before climbing back up. The Monkey climbed the tree (hehe...monkeys...tree climbing... [giggle]) and instantly became the kitty's savior. She was friendly enough, just a little wigged out about being held. (I held the scruff of her neck to keep her calm while I was holding her and I began feeling extremely thankful that both of my cats are declawed in the front.) She smelled really good and was very clean and I assumed she wasn't an outdoor cat. She looked to be somewhere between eight months and a year old at the most. We tried to find owners but none of the neighbors claimed her. I made The Monkey bring out some cat food and we left her to her own devices since it wasn't up to us whether or not we could adopt another cat. (We live with my sister, after all.)

Later that night, The Monkey started feeling guilty about leaving her outside because it started to get really cold. We went out to grab some dinner and while we were waiting on Drive-Thru Captain D's my niece called and said my sister let the cat in the house. :-o Imagine my shock! At any rate, she spent the night in the garage with us. She helped herself to some food and has already used the litter box a few times. She's very loveable. She slept with The Monkey all night. However, she's been very bitchy to our two cats so far. Poor William can't even walk by her without getting hissed at. :-( Right now we're sort of up in the air on whether or not we're going to keep her. For one thing, she's a little on the chunky side for her size and my sister and I are both wondering if she's a soon-to-be Momma cat. I looked online for signs of cat pregnancy and the only thing I could find was protruding nipples. I compared hers to Olivia's and hers are definitely more noticeable. I don't think I can handle a pregnant cat. I had Olivia fixed LONG before she was even able to get pregnant so I've never had to worry about kittens. I think we'll hold onto her for a few days and maybe see if we can get her to a vet to find out for sure whether or not she's expecting. If she is... well, I'm not sure what we're going to do just yet. If we take her to a shelter it would definitely have to be a no kill shelter. I can't bear to leave her out on the streets, though. Especially considering how friendly and loveable she is!

So I'm really hoping she's just fat/well fed. I'm also hoping that she'll lose the 'tude quickly and stop being a bitch to my other two cats. If we do decide to keep her she'll definitely have to be fixed and declawed. No unfair fights for my other two babies! :-P For now, we're calling her Jasmine. (The name just came to me the way the names for all of my other cats have in the past.)





She is a cutie! And her eyes are a really lovely shade of green.

a few birthday pics...

All dressed up and nowhere to go.



Mmm...cake. My sister had to do the writing because I screwed it up the first time. :-P



Me holding my cake.



[sings] Happy birthday to me......



Blowing out the candles. Thank goodness we used a "2" and an "8" instead of 28 candles. Yikes!



Just bein' my goofy self. ;-)



Carefully cutting up red velvet deliciousness.



My niece enjoying her piece.



My Boo bear enjoying his piece.



My niece's friend enjoying her piece.



The half-devoured cake.

THE END.

another year gone by...

Today I'm 28. So close to 30 now it's getting scary. :-P I contemplated getting drunk tonight but I'm really not in the mood. Something about melancholy that makes getting inebriated less appealing. Le sigh.

I wish I had something insightful or interesting to say about the year past. I absolutely don't. It was another year. It was a rough year. I'm sure there will be years that will top this one in the 'rough' category, though. Still no children. I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever be parents. I'm beginning to wonder if I even care anymore. Last year I was getting a shot in my ass for yet another failed attempt to get pregnant. The year before I was just starting my long run of visits to Birmingham and Montgomery for a chance to get pregnant. This year, we've stopped trying all together. Funny how things can change so drastically.

I just finished a small slice of red velvety goodness. I can feel myself getting fatter. Literally. Ugh. (This feeling is drastically exacerbated by the string of photos my sister took in which I look incredibly large.) Time to really buckle down and lose weight. Seriously. I really MUST get on the ball. [eyeroll]

So I had cake and icecream and forced a smile (and it actually didn't look fake) and I have new socks and all is just so with the world. Time to wash my face and curl up on the couch under two thick blankets with a warm, fuzzy kitty at my feet. Tomorrow I will be one day closer to 29. I will try not to think about my life ending one nano-second at a time.

Pictures to follow... eventually. My hair looked kinda neat today with the whole wavey look. I think I like it.

do you believe in magic?

Last year my niece's teacher introduced her class to a tradition known as "Santa's Elves". Basically, mom and dad buy a stuffed elf for their child and the elf "arrives" at the child's house shortly after Thanksgiving. The elf is then known for doing little things for the kids (like making their beds or leaving candy) and reports back to Santa on whether the child has been naughty or nice. :) The full story is here. So this year my sister decided to do the elf thing for my niece and my nephew. Earlier today, as a joke, I picked up both stuffed elves and started throwing them around. Needless to say, my niece and nephew were both upset with me. Oops. :-/ My niece was afraid that I'd chased the elves back to the North Pole and she was particularly upset. So I ran into some Naughty and Nice Hershey's Kisses in Rite Aid this afternoon and came up with a brilliant idea. I came home from the store and snuck into my niece's and nephew's rooms and placed a single "Nice" kiss on their pillows. Then I placed a single "Naughty" kiss on my pillow (and my sister's oldest son's because he keeps trying to convince the kids that the elves aren't real -- the turd). The "Nice" kisses are wrapped in silver foil and say "Nice" on the ribbon while the "Naughty" kisses are wrapped in black foil and say "Naughty" on the ribbon. [snicker] They were both tickled pink when they discovered their elves had left the kisses. It's nice to spread Christmas cheer. :)

In other news, my ear is freaking killing me. UGH. It's just about time for some drops and a nice dose of Lortab to ease my suffering. Mmm... narcotics. :-P It's also about time to experiment with my new Waver. I've decided to let my hair grow out (yet again) and I've also taking a liking to adding some "natural" curl to my hair instead of straightening it. We'll see how this thing works. So far it seems a little awkward to hold/use so it may be going back to the store.

un-be-freaking-lievable

So I woke up the day before yesterday with... dum dum dum... another blasted ear infection! That's THREE of these freaking things in as many months! Before the first one in September, I couldn't honestly tell you the last time I had an honest-to-god ear infection. Now I'm having them recurrently?! Yes, I'm slightly annoyed. I decided to go see my ENT to get the bottom of things instead of just goint to my GP to get treatment. My ENT is awesome. (And HOT to boot. [snicker]) He checked out my ear and, yes, it's infected. As it turns out, the skin of my ear canal is severely irritated (possibly eczcema) which makes it prone to itching which, in turn, makes me jab my finger in it to stop said itching, which further irritates the canal which leads to further itching and further jabbing which then leads to pain and an infection. Mystery solved! So I have yet another course of antibiotic drops and a hefty supply of Lortab at my disposal. Joy above all joys! The Monkey went with me to the appointment because his hearing has been cloudy on the one side. My ENT looked in his ears as a courtesy (only charged us for one office visit, how nice, huh?) and said that The Monkey has a "typical toddler ear infection" (otitis media) which is different from what I have (swimmer's ear/otitis externa). So my doc gave The Monkey a week's worth of antibiotics (hooray for free samples!) and me a week's worth of ear drops (again, hooray for free samples!). Prescriptions included, the visit cost us $63.00.

After a couple months of waiting patiently, I finally heard something from the SSA on my disability. Because I haven't been to my pdoc in over six weeks, they are requiring that I have a medical examination done. This includes both a physical exam and a psych eval. My physical is on the 9th and my psych eval is on the 15th. I have an appointment with my new therapist tomorrow and then I finally get to see the new pdoc about meds on the 18th. Hopefully everything works out in my favor. The Monkey and I are already pinching pennies and slowly but surely draining our savings account. :-/ Hopefully he'll be employed soon, too.

So it goes...